What more can I say?

[backtothedrawingboard]

I've got a difficult relationship for all sorts of reasons and I've posted on here about some of them. I finally spoke to H two weeks ago and told him that I felt like our relationship was over. I told him that I felt so tired and couldn't take the responsibility of everything anymore. Worst of all, I told him that I wasn't sure that I wanted to carry on and that I thought it might be best if we separated. I tried to convince him that he would have a better relationship with the kids if he lived apart from them.

I hate upsetting people and it was really difficult watching him fall apart but I got through what I needed to say to him. He said that leaving me and the kids was not an option for him, we have no choice but to make it work, didn't I remember my marriage vows etc, etc.

He is now going through a denial. He is trying harder to do more at home and cook dinners etc (he works part time and picks up DS from school - I often don't get home from work until gone 6pm). But he has completely missed the point that our relationship is broken to a point of no return.

He definitely heard what I said but he does not want to discuss anything, says things like "are you still cross with me" and I don't really know what to do next.

It took me such courage to say the things I said and now I am going to have to say them all again.

How can I keep having to hurt him?

malnkey - so pleased your MIL is being supportive, important for your DS that relations don't get too strained there.

Am thinking I will carry on with the counselling too if we end up splitting - would like to get to the bottom of some of the decisions I've made.

Good luck to you both.

Oh dear. I told H this morning that I had made an appointment with Relate and he went mad. He said that he has said all he has to say and doesn't want to talk about it anymore and he's not going to discuss the possibility of splitting up.

He really doesn't want to see that there is a problem.

Oh, sorry to hear that. Will you still go yourself? Might be worth it to talk things through with someone.
How are you feeling now?

BTTDB - but it's not just about him is it? I hope you still feel able to go on your own as scarlotti says - it might help you process it all. He can't stop you going, even if he doesn't want to. And the fact that he is refusing to go speaks volumes.

Are you ok? Do you feel safe with him? Just sounds a little worrying.

I think my H is still burying his head in the sand this end too. Because we're still living together - and trying to do so amicably for DS's sake - I think he still hopes that it will somehow work out. Just want to get everything sorted so we can move and actually let him deal with it all.

Anyway, good luck and let us know what happens.

malinkey - I think it's the same here. Think H is just thinking that if he acts nicely and pretends all is well, then I'll forget all about any thoughts of seperating.
Makes me not want to be amicable although I will for the dc's sake.
Roll on next Tues and the next relate appointment where I can say how I'm still feeling.

BTTDB - hope you're ok

FFS these men!

BTTDB are you ok? Did you get to Relate?

scarlotti good luck with your next relate appointment - hope you get to say what you want to. Have got my first counselling appointment next week too.

We went to Relate last night. All a bit strange really. We have to wait to find out when we can start counselling but I still can't get excited that its going to make a difference. We have completely different agendas.

I have a big head ache tonight and I just keep switching from thinking its going to be fine and I can make it all better and then staring at a big black hole.

malinkey - good luck for your appointment next week. Hope you're doing ok.

bttdb - good that you both went. I remember that it took a while for us between our initial consultation and the appointments, but good that you've made the first step. Try not to think about it too much (easier said than done I know) as once you get regular appointments you'll find it easier to work through things.

Thinking of you both.

BTTDB - how did you get him to go? Is he being open to it now or doesn't he want you to go on your own in case you slag him off?

I hope you find it useful - even if you do have different agendas. And even though he doesn't want to discuss the possibility of splitting up, you are perfectly entitled to you know. It takes two people to have a relationship and if one of them doesn't want to be part of it any more and actually no longer loves the other one - the other person can't do it on their own. It might not be easy but he can't make you stay.