Very long and confused. Do we have a future?

[GoodDaysBadDays]

Been with dh 11 years. We have 4 dc's, 2 of them together.

I'm so miserable, I'm so torn with how I feel.

dh is hardworking, funny, reliable. I know he loves me and there's no question of an ow. He is supportive of dc's and obviously loves them to bits.

So why the fuck am I so miserable??

He works long hours - new job after we lost our business a couple of years ago and he's not had much work til now. So financially we are beginning to recover. I am so pleased for him with his new job, not only is he working and earning decent regular money but it's a step up the ladder for him. Inevitably then there's longer hours involved and and the odd dink or dinner after work.

I'm not unreasonable, in theory this doesn't bother me. If it's work related no problem, if it's social, as long as it's not too often, i don't mind. So why, when I get the phonecall or text saying i'll be in late, whether it's work, pub or whatever do I get pissed off immediately?

He plays rugby (summer break atm) and again, I like the fact he plays sport, I'm happy he has a group of blokes to meet up with, again, in theory I don't mind losing an entire Saturday every other week (sometimes every week) to rugby and drinking. But when it comes to a Saturday, why do I get so pissed off?

Tbh I find our house works better when he's not at home, calmer, happier and more fun. (Although it's not always a miserable place when he's here, but a lot of the time it is)
So why do I feel as if part of me is missing when he's not here? Why do I feel sad that he'd rather be somewhere else? (even when some of the time he'd probably rather be here than at work)

I don't feel under pressure to have the house tidy when he's not here, although I can see that he is starting to try to be more supportive. I don't expect much help, I'm a SAHM so am happy to take on most of the housework but I feel if stuff bothers him that much, he should maybe help me do it. I'm normally quite a houseproud person but am struggling with even the basics atm, with 4dc's, 2 with sn and one a baby and I would expect him to know that I don't like the chaos either so chip in a bit. To be fair he has been doing a bit the last week or two, but I feel it's not enough!

It seems that other Dad's help out with bath and bedtime regularly and while dh will usually help if I ask, it's not always met with a great response. It's not as if I want him to do it so I can go out or anything, just so I can wash up or something! I offer him bathtime as (I think) it's enjoyable for him and then I can get stuff done and he wont have to look at it!

I'm aware I've gone on for ages and i haven't even began to mention so many other things.

Basically I feel on one hand I would be much better on my own and could probably cope with lots of things better as I wouldn't have the upset that I so often feel.

But on the other hand I'm scared. Scared of being lonely, scared that leaving might be the wrong decision, scared that this might all be me being emotional and needy (for want of a better word) I'm also scared what it would put dc's through.

He can be unreasonable and fly off the handle at the slightest thing with them (and me) and his parenting skills aren't great with regard to discipline or the day to day stuff but they do all have fun together and they all are pleased when he gets home - another reason I hate all the late nights (none of them have seen him today)

I don't know what I want from you all, so many of you have been in such awful relationships i feel pretty crap writing all this and asking for advice but I really don't want to be this miserable for ever! (I haven't checked this before posting as would probably just delete it all so apologies in advance!)

You shouldn't feel bad for feeling miserable, just because other people may have more obvious difficulties doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel crappy!
The first thing I noticed is that there is no mention of your love for him? Could it be that your feelings for him have changed and that is why all the day to day stuff is becoming so irritating to you? I too am a sahm and sometimes find it hard not to go ggrrrrrr at the prospect of being alone after a day that at times could hardly be described as fulfilling!
Do you do things together? Get any child free time? Has he any idea how you are feeling?
I hope your feeling ok today : )

Be careful posting here! There are lots of people in very miserable relationships and things can often be a bit skewed..

IMO you are in quite a typical position for lots of people who have small children. You say one of them is only a baby, two have sn. Your H works long hours.

But you yourself have said that things are looking up workwise.. You've said he is starting to try to help.. Life with the baby will get easier.

Yes, there are lots of things that are not ideal right now, but none of these is insurmountable.

Look after yourself. Your H is getting a chance to get away from his reponsibilities, you aren't.. and you need it. We all do.

Talk things through with your husband.

It's ok to have bad days.. and weeks and months.. but the time has come. Things can be better and they will be!

I am in a v.v happy relationship. My point was that it shouldn't only be huge problems that people feel entitled to post on here.
I agree totally with mamsnets point about your baby and life getting easier and you do have 4 children! I struggle some days and I only have 2..... ; )
Best of luck!

i think its time you sat him down and told him how you feel
seems like you need a lot more support with the children, he needs to do more, and you need to do something for yourself.
do you go out with him, babysitter?

Thanks
primrose I guess my feelings have changed, I just posted on another thread saying I feel we've both changed but that I don't know if the new me wants the new him! I don't get much child free time and we rarely do anything together. When we do I try to enjoy it but I don't enjoy his company that much anymore, we're going on holiday soon and I'm dreading all that time with him! I'd love for me to just take dc's and I've never felt like that before. I think he knows how I'm feeling. He's not one for talking and does tend to think I'm always 'moaning' if i try to talk about us so I don't try too much, that said I'm sure he does as the bit of washing up he did at the weekend must have been prompted by something

but after that whinge....

mamsnet You are right, it's not all bad and things will start to get easier I'm sure, I just do wonder if things will be even easier without dh?

And I didn't mention I love him? That made me cry when I realised that. I'm sure I do, I think I'm in such a rut I just can't see it anymore

Thanks again, and sorry for whining about trivial stuff. I'm sure it will get better, maybe I just needed to be reminded it's not all bad so I can pull myself up!

Do you ever have time together just the 2 of you? Try to get some, preferably regularly. Talk to him about you needed time for yourself.

Also some days just let everything go to pot and do something for yourself. We all need that.

Also don't fool yourself other DHs aren't all great. My DH never takes the rubbish down, leaves it for me to organise builders/painters etc. and usually then make it clear he thinks I'm being ripped off. Hardly ever changed DC3's nappy. Rarely makes parents evening etc. And we joke if I was knocked over by a car he'd have problems working out which schools and classes they are all in. But he does make up for it in other ways.

Now I feel better for whinging about mine!

GDBD

You need to talk. There are far worse situtaion that you could be in but I think you know that.

You seem to mention that he has a drink rather often in your post (not that he drinks a lot).

Do you think him having a social life upsets you (by that I mean after work drinks and rugby)?

Running a house with 4 DCs is hard work. Especially with 2 having SN (my 14mo DS has SN)

I think that maybe you resent the fact that he has time outside of the home and you don't.

Do you ever get to go out with your friends? Or have some time off?

You need that escape too. Not to go and do the weekly shop. No. You need to go for lunch woth the girls or similar.

Why do you want more help with bath and bedtimes but then say you feel you'll be better on your own some days?

Do you still love him? I notice you don't mention that at all.

GDBD - sorry, I see that you do love him in your last post.

Well, talk to him. He can't change or help if he doesn't know how you feel can he?

"He can be unreasonable and fly off the handle at the slightest thing with them (and me) and his parenting skills aren't great with regard to discipline or the day to day stuff but they do all have fun together and they all are pleased when he gets home - another reason I hate all the late nights (none of them have seen him today)"

How bad is his temper?

aaww hug for you, i feel very similar a lot of the time, hot and cold on if we have a future together or not, im a sahm too and i think it gives way too much time to think, compare and analyse situations to the point were you get totally confused.

ive just come out of the baby stage, my ds is 20 months and its been really hard, and i only have 1 other dd who is 4.5. so with 4 you do have a lot on your plate.

Hope your feeling better and your not on your own, just take your time making any big decisions and have a really good talk with your dh about it x

A few suggestions:

Go out together and ensure most of both of your social time is invested in eachother, we all have to give and take and so he may have to let go of some of his social time.

Go and talk to your GP, you sound depressed.

Get yourself a hobby, be yourself at least once a week.

Get some counselling/do a day marriage course.

a great read

here

Well if you do still love him then you surely do have a future. Do try to talk to him and p.parker has a point, you have had a baby recently, could you be depressed? Do you have friends/family that you can talk to?

mouseface I don't get out with friends, he's fine if I want to but it's a nightmare to sort out - no guarantee he's be in on time etc.. I'm not that fussed about going out tbh, I don't think I resent his social life but do resent the fact if he wants to go out he just rings and checks it's ok, no organising or worrying. And If I do go out, I still have to get everything done at home, if not I just have to do it next morning, whereas he spends an hour or so getting ready before he goes out all relaxed! And

whatname i have spoken to him about some things but he usually just laughs it off (as with most things - his attitude is that he knows he's a git but thats him) He does say that he understands it must be hard work being at home but also never seems happy with what I have or haven't done at home

newnamethistime I knew someone would ask that as soon as i wrote that sentence. He has a horrible temper and can be aggressive but not violent ifkwim

posie i did start going to the gym a while ago but i can't rely on him being home. I do see my time on here and the internet in general etc as something for me, a bit of an escape. Thanks for the link, I'll have a read later. Not sure about gp, I have very low days but as someone else said we all do, I feel as if i'm keeping my head above water atm iykwim

Thanks for the advice and sorry if i missed a question, loads to take in and read (always thought that sounded like a cop-out before but get it now!)

I don't tend to talk to family, 1, because i'm the strong one who copes and that's just how it is! and 2, i don't like dragging them into stuff as they would (inevitably) resent dh

I don't have many close friends, more a large circle of people i knnow. Many of them would listen and be great i'm sure but I don't like to burden people (except all of you!)

There so many other things going on with 2 of our dc's i don't think people could cope with more worry either! Our wider family have had lots going on too (as people do) so this really is not on the scale of importance.

I think it's clear I need to look at the positives, take a deep breath and realise it's not so bad. Just having a bad day I guess (as my mane would suggest!)

Thanks everyone for your replies

my name obviously. My mane suggests nothing except maybe that it needs a wash

A horrible temper and aggressiveness is a form of violence GDBDs.
It makes you scared of bringing things up.
Do you want to give any examples?

GDBD what you are saying on here is what so many people in your shoes would be feeling.

None of what you have said makes me think you have no future with this man but I think if you don't address this it could easily become a much worse problem. You need to find a way to make your problems clear to your DH - you are feeling unsupported and this is leading you to resent him his time away. I can identify with you not particularly wanting more time to yourself, but having to be the one that's responsible for everything all the time leaves a bitter taste, even if you do like the fact that he maintains a social life for himself. I get the impression that if you felt he could commit to having more reliable input to family life you would both respect him more and maybe he would respect what you do more, too.

I think the first step is finding a way to talk to him about this one-to-one in a situation where it isn't a moaning sesh but an extraordinary meeting, so maybe try and get time away for a walk or a meal or something for a few hours one weekend or evening.

The second step is feeling that you've been heard and letting yourself be close to him again because I think under it all you've maybe forgotten how you once felt about him.

FWIW at times (most memorably when first child was only a few weeks old) I have had to sit DP down and spell out that it is not OK to continue living life to suit himself when we have a child for whom we are both responsible. Once pointed out clearly (and in DP's case, you have to then let him digest the info for a while or it ends in an argument) he's always sorted it out. I really think some men are as oblivious to the bleeding obvious in relationships as they are to unwashed dishes/grimy bathrooms etc!

Do see your GP, you could be suffering depression (the head full of water comment made me think that).

You really need some help and time for yourself. Are any of your kids at school? What kind of SN do your kids have? Is there any kind of local playgroup/coffee morning for Mums? Is there anyway you can get someone to come in once a week regularly, so you can go for coffee/go for a run/swim or something?

GDBD

Hmm, I think that you resent that then. The very fact that he can just call and say 'I'll be later' or get showered and go out without giving you, the house or the DCs a second thought.

I assume that if you were to go out, your routine would go something like this:

Get DCs fed, watered and bathed.
Diiner for you and DH
Lunches for school tomorrow if a school day.
Any meds/treatments administered if required for SN DCs.
Feeds made for that evening/morning or breakfast sorted.
Last load of washing/drying sorted and put away.
Make sure everyone has clean clothes for the next day. Clean shirt for DH.
Tidy house.

Then you have what, about a half hour, with DCs still around asking for things, to get ready and go?

You leave the house feeling completely flustered wishing that you could just go back home and go to bed.

Am I close?

When does this temper of DH's come out BTW????

I don't know, just that he can be unpredictable, arguments tend to end up with him becoming irrational and aggressive, can't really explain - he has a look about him when he loses his temper. Trouble is I wont walk away from an argument just because he might lose his temper, I hate that he almost seems to use that as a way to finish it. It's like that's his trump card, but I want to resolve things, not argue about them. Does that make any sense?

Newname, he's not hit me in 11 years, yes his temper can scare me sometimes but I do push him sometimes when I know I shouldn't, we're what might be called 'firey'

So yes, I do chose what I bring up and when but don't most people have their limits? I can't imagine not having to pick my time talking to people about things, it's just part of life surely?

GDBD

Also, I think you have a hell of alot to deal with here. You really do need some 'you' time and you need more help around the house.

You need to spend time with your DH and feel like a family unit. You may well have PND by what you have said.

You are fed up for a reason. Please go and speak to your GP. Especially if you feel that you can't approach your family.

Are they really too busy for you?

Perhaps it is GDBDs, just my H has horrible temper and your post just rang a few bells. I find it difficult to go out with friends because it often causes hassle. I have problems talking to H about his temper with dc, because it cna cause another row.
Then I feel miserable because I feel I've let dc down.
H's temper could be about how I haven't taken his advice on how to cook something - it can end up in a row about how little I respect him.
He complains that it is the way I say things, that causes him to get cross/angry.
Is that normal? I don't know, but it makes me miserable.

Sorry that last post was to newname

Mouseface you've got it about right there

mummytime - i'm embarrassed to say i already have someone who comes in once a week to give me a hand, but it gives me time with other dc's or to catch up on paperwork / housework, couldn't afford her any more than that, (dla pays for her) and tbh i feel guilty about having her anyway, others manage well enough without help!

Sobloodytired your post makes lots of sense, i just feel i've done the talking thing and got no where. As I think I said somewhere he acknowledges it's hard work but think he feels the acknowledgement is enough!

I will try talking again and think i might try getting to the gym again. 2 dc's are at school and dc3 will be at preschool in sept so maybe i can try and get back to myself then.

Thanks everyone, it has helped, maybe we'll get a chance on holiday to have a chat

yes that does sound familiar newname, especially about letting dc's down. I feel as if i do that so often, it's one reason i feel wwe might be better off on our own, i feel i might have more control over things like that

GDBD, re the temper.

This I can also identify with. We have had our problems (DP also loses the plot at times in a scary way, never hit me but is very aggressive). I too am not good at walking away (because I don't think it's my responsibility to manage his anger for him). I told him I absolutely wasn't able or willing to tolerate being spoken to like that and he went to the GP about it and has been referred (for something which he can't remember the name of!). The GP took him seriously and was very helpful. What I am getting at is that this behaviour is a serious issue because it prevents you communicating with each other, and he needs to be told that you won't accept it. That may mean waiting until it's all cooled off and just saying "I'm not going to tolerate that, I won't stay with you if you behave like that, and I want you to get help to sort it out" and then walking away.

Many people on here have sadly suffered at the hands of aggressive men who have progressed on to becoming physically violent. For that reason you may well (understandably) get advice to get yourself out. I don't subscribe to the idea that violence is inevitable in your situation, although if you don't address the aggression in some way then whether it progresses or not it will have bad consequences for your relationship. It's also not good for your DC to see a man behaving aggressively to "win" arguments or get his own way.