Very long and confused. Do we have a future?

[GoodDaysBadDays]

Been with dh 11 years. We have 4 dc's, 2 of them together.

I'm so miserable, I'm so torn with how I feel.

dh is hardworking, funny, reliable. I know he loves me and there's no question of an ow. He is supportive of dc's and obviously loves them to bits.

So why the fuck am I so miserable??

He works long hours - new job after we lost our business a couple of years ago and he's not had much work til now. So financially we are beginning to recover. I am so pleased for him with his new job, not only is he working and earning decent regular money but it's a step up the ladder for him. Inevitably then there's longer hours involved and and the odd dink or dinner after work.

I'm not unreasonable, in theory this doesn't bother me. If it's work related no problem, if it's social, as long as it's not too often, i don't mind. So why, when I get the phonecall or text saying i'll be in late, whether it's work, pub or whatever do I get pissed off immediately?

He plays rugby (summer break atm) and again, I like the fact he plays sport, I'm happy he has a group of blokes to meet up with, again, in theory I don't mind losing an entire Saturday every other week (sometimes every week) to rugby and drinking. But when it comes to a Saturday, why do I get so pissed off?

Tbh I find our house works better when he's not at home, calmer, happier and more fun. (Although it's not always a miserable place when he's here, but a lot of the time it is)
So why do I feel as if part of me is missing when he's not here? Why do I feel sad that he'd rather be somewhere else? (even when some of the time he'd probably rather be here than at work)

I don't feel under pressure to have the house tidy when he's not here, although I can see that he is starting to try to be more supportive. I don't expect much help, I'm a SAHM so am happy to take on most of the housework but I feel if stuff bothers him that much, he should maybe help me do it. I'm normally quite a houseproud person but am struggling with even the basics atm, with 4dc's, 2 with sn and one a baby and I would expect him to know that I don't like the chaos either so chip in a bit. To be fair he has been doing a bit the last week or two, but I feel it's not enough!

It seems that other Dad's help out with bath and bedtime regularly and while dh will usually help if I ask, it's not always met with a great response. It's not as if I want him to do it so I can go out or anything, just so I can wash up or something! I offer him bathtime as (I think) it's enjoyable for him and then I can get stuff done and he wont have to look at it!

I'm aware I've gone on for ages and i haven't even began to mention so many other things.

Basically I feel on one hand I would be much better on my own and could probably cope with lots of things better as I wouldn't have the upset that I so often feel.

But on the other hand I'm scared. Scared of being lonely, scared that leaving might be the wrong decision, scared that this might all be me being emotional and needy (for want of a better word) I'm also scared what it would put dc's through.

He can be unreasonable and fly off the handle at the slightest thing with them (and me) and his parenting skills aren't great with regard to discipline or the day to day stuff but they do all have fun together and they all are pleased when he gets home - another reason I hate all the late nights (none of them have seen him today)

I don't know what I want from you all, so many of you have been in such awful relationships i feel pretty crap writing all this and asking for advice but I really don't want to be this miserable for ever! (I haven't checked this before posting as would probably just delete it all so apologies in advance!)

I have to go and get something done at home today!

Will come back later, thank you all again

GDBD i was in a similar situation felt lonely, like i'd do better on my own. he has his friens i have none, childcare hard to organise to get some me time. i questioned if i still loved him, had secret cries and screams and didnt talk to each other. my DH isnt the talking type either.

but one day it all came to a head and we talked and talked about him helping with DD and chores and me not being happy and it worked. he listened and now we make a point of sitting together and talking more often be it at home when DD is in bed or out for a meal or a drink and i have a friend round for coffee once a week and i even go to the gym twice a week purposely at 7pm so he has to do the bath routine which is good for DH and DD too.

so you must talk about things. men arent psychic and i often thought my DH must be able to tell that i wasnt happy but he actually had no idea. you have to have respect for each other (im a SAHM too)

Sometimes you just need to be a bit selfish although it must be harder having 4 DCs i only have 1 and thats hard enough.

So what happens when the 'talk' doesn't work? Or if it works but only for a few days? Or if you don't notice all the 'help' that he is doing (because it is a drop in the ocean with 3-4dc)?. Or if the 'talk' just ends up in another row? Or if the person is sulking while they are 'helping' making you feel guilty?
I have ended up thinking there is something wrong with me and how I approach things, because it doesn't seem to sink in.

i dunno really im pretty rubbish at talking too and if i get angry im one of those people who end up in tears so dunno if that makes him feel guilty about things. ive been in the situation where its only lasted a couple of days and reverted back to the old ways and so i just push and push and say its not good enough. and i suppose if things didnt change then its be drastic measures but like i said i havnt been there, that far into it so i can only hypothesise. i cant inagine how hard it is with 3 or 4 children and with children with SN.

that's how I feel newname, that it's unlikely to make much difference. I've always said that the good in our relationship outweighs the bad and that I'm happy to ignore / put up with the crap as the good is so good, but I can't see the good anymore!

I guess this probably does say more about me really and where I am right now. I need to address myself before seeing if there really is a problem

SoBloodyTired this:

'That may mean waiting until it's all cooled off and just saying "I'm not going to tolerate that, I won't stay with you if you behave like that, and I want you to get help to sort it out" and then walking away.'

Is great advice but i find that dh is understanding, apologetic (well almost apologetic!) when i've brought it up, but just to revert back to type in an argument.

I tried chatting to dh about dc's, holiday and stuff tonight and was planning to open up about all this if it went well but couldn't draw him away from the fucking tv. I did suggest turning it off, I did say i was trying to talk (generally talk not talk talk - we never got that far) but couldn't manage it, to make matters worse it was hot shots part deux that was so engrossing!

Am going to work hard to be more cheerful and hope we get some time on holiday. Plus there's a spa where we're going - I'd love an hour there but not sure how well that suggestion would go down, maybe I'll mention it once we're there.

Thanks again everyone x

GDBD - So much of your post strikes a chord with me. My three are now teenagers, but when they were small, I stayed at home, whilst struggling with three kids and doing a degree with the OU. DP did the minimum and usually only when asked. This he said was nagging. I always got the impression that he was doing me a huge favour, and any task was met with irritability and a sense that I was being lazy.

When the kids were older, he got a really good job, which involved him working away a lot. I preferred our home life when he was away. I actually used to heave a huge sigh of relief when he went away. Things went smoothly - looking back, I think I allowed him to get away with doing little, because the kids and chores got me down, I lost my self esteem, so I enabled him to be a big kid himself. I resented him - he would still have drinks with the lads on a Friday, after I had seen no one but my kids all day - he still spent weekends glued to Sky Sports, whilst I juggled three kids, housework and studying.

Now, I have a degree and a good career. The kids are teenagers, and I have a great relationship with them. I still feel that I am responsible for everything around the home - but he has started paying the price for this. I have my own network of friends, and the kids feel disconnected from their dad. I think he resents the closeness I have with them. But of course, you reap what you sow - and he's realising this. I don't know how long we will stay together actually, but that's for another thread. What I'm trying to say is this: your kids will grow up sooner than you think, and you will regain yourself - you will have a future, a job, a new network of friends. I look back to my life 10 years ago, and it's completely different, I could never imagine that I would be where I am now. However, you will probably always resent him, unless he realises how serious you are about him pulling his weight. I was weak then, so please learn by my mistakes. I didn't have the strength to confront him, either emotionally or physically, as I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed with having three kids (twins) and another one, born less than two years later. What I'm trying to say, is I don't want you ending up where I am - kids who are distant to their dad, because he never really took the time to spend with them when he could spend it doing other stuff, and a wife who will always resent him for it.

Thanks Saffy,

Saffysmum Thu 15-Jul-10 17:10:16
DP did the minimum and usually only when asked. This he said was nagging. I always got the impression that he was doing me a huge favour, and any task was met with irritability and a sense that I was being lazy.

That's it, you've summed it up!

I might show him your post, I think it might do the trick and maybe at least get us talking.

It's made me see the bigger picture too.

I'm sorry you had to go through such a crap time, but you do sound like you have a great relationship with your dc's which is a due your strength as a Mum I'm sure.

We're off on holiday tonight so wont be checking back for a while and hopefully we'll have a good week together

Have a lovely holiday - and grab some "me time" - don't ask if it's okay, just say "I'm planning have a swim/sauna (whatever) this afternoon, so have a think about what you will do with the kids". Say it nicely but remember you don't need his permission.
My hubby has kind of made himself redundant as a dad - although he does drive the kids around, I don't drive, which I've always thought a pain, but at least it forces him to do something, without offloading it onto me! Other than that, I feel quite empowered, because I have had to do the majority of bringing them up, I know I could cope if we split. It is sad though - so do try and assert yourself. X