Husband no longer loves me after 24 years together

[Singlediva]

My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore. We have been together 24 years, married for 17 with 2 dc's (14 & 10).
I still love him very much but can no longer be with him as it hurts too much. I always thought we had a really good marriage & so did everyone else. Have told both sets of patents (they were very shocked). In laws think there is something wrong with him as his behaviour is so not like him. They made him see his GP but they have said there is nothing wrong.
We have discussed the practicalities of separating (where he will go, financials) but have not told dc's yet. He doesn't see the point of going to Relate, I have been on my own and have requested more sessions as I need to come to terms with this, I thought we would ge together forever. He doesn't want to leave the dc's or the house but doesn't want a relationship with me except as friends. I have asked him to tell me straight that he no longer wants to be with me and doesn't love me but he either changes the subject or makes a joke out of it. Help, I can't work it out.

Has anyone else had experience of their husband suddenly wanting to split up?

WWIFN - may I add that those soothing noises per se are all well and good, and even similar to what we say on here to women who agonise about leaving difficult relationships. They're guff when, as it appears here, the relationship was not dysfunctional in the first place and the kids were already in a happy, stable home. That's why the straying partner has to hold on tight to the manufactured belief that they have been unhappy for years, and that their wife really wants freeing, even when it's the first she's heard about it. The OW hasn't stirred up dissent where none was previously; no no, she's "helped them to realise" what they were missing all along.

Or, quite possibly, not.

I heartily agree, Annie (as usual!)

Urghhh had never thought of those freeing noises being said by OW per se.

WWIFN - very good outlining of how a non affair having person would behave.

Only thing I need to add is my H said he would go to Relate - we went - it was painful, drawn out and really didnt work in summary. I did not know he was having an affair but he was distancing and blaming me for everything. I then found out later he had affair all THROUGH THE COUNSELLING! So some men who agree Relate may still have OW.

H thought going to Relate was right as it would solve our marriage problems if they were solvable. The fact that his having an affair made them unsolvable totally was not in his mind. Twunt! - for lack of a better word.

Actually Mumfun, I think that's the perfect word!

Just thought I would post a quick update.

We are going to seperate, plan to tell the kids at the weekend. He will stay around for a couple of weeks but they will know when he is leaving. (Cannot move into his mums any sooner as SIL visiting with her kids).I think him being around will be good as when the kids start asking questions etc he will be around to help deal with it.

He eventually became much more emotional last weekend, started showing some sorrow and even some remorse, thought we were starting to get somewhere as upto now he has been completely lacking in emotion. But then he went to work on Monday morning and texted me to say he had been invited out to a 50th birthday do on Friday. He had been out the Friday before on a 40th birthday do, he had also been late from 'work' several nights recently. DS has even started to make comments.

I feel like he is messing with my emotions. He doesn't care about us, only himself. He won't go and talk to anyone about his feelings because he finds it 'difficult', would rather break his family up, even though he has admitted he doesn't understand why he feels like he does!

You have my sympathy for what you are going through. So no evidence of an OW then? No counseling?

As WWIFN said : It's impossible to save a marriage when one of the parties won't engage

What a terrible way for him to end 24 years of marriage. I am certain you deserve far better.

I just wanted to send you some hugs.

SingleDiva you haven't divulged on this thread what enquiries you have made yourself to find out if there is an OW. However, if everything is blocked to you, in terms of passwords and access, you could try one last throw of the dice and ask him to show you his phone bills from the last year or so.

If he is insistent that there is no OW, then he won't mind doing this for you. If he says no, I think you've got your answer and will just have to wait until she is unveiled.

Really sorry about the conversation you've got coming up with the DCs. If I were you I'd be making that phone bill request before it.

WWIFN, could you please offer some words of support to my SIL on this thread- I'm sure she'd really appreciate it, and she's new to MN.

SingleDiva- my heart goes out to you, and I can only say that you are sadly not alone, and that Custardo has encapsulated everything I would urge you to do.

Singlediva - can I help you from the children's POV?

I was 17 when I discovered that my Dad was having an affair - and I told my mum the horrible truth. (Older than your children but the next bit is still important).

My parents have been married for 26 years now, and that was 5 years ago... any hoo, it was a fairly horrible time in my life and alot went wrong and hurt me like hell.

I watched both of my parent's hearts break. My mum's world colapsed around her and my Dad was truely in love with the OW and left her and rebuilt the marriage with my Mum.

I still don't think my mum realises how much love my Dad had for the OW - and how there was a genuine future for them, when things between my parents had been wrong for years.

It hurt me, because I was in between them. My mum was depressed and alone and would only talk to me - and when things were bad she blamed me as I am their only child (she would accuse me of being just like him) etc...

At one point I had to take a knife off my mum, and I nearly had her sectioned twice.

Don't let your kids get involved. Even if te older one is 14... dont tell them how hurt you are, and you have to put a brave face on it.

Onlywantsone- thank you for your insight. I'm sorry you had such a bad time and I will think about what you have said when I'm tempted to off load onto dd.

WWIFN - H only has his works phone and therefore I never see his phone bill. We have had a good talk today and settled on what to tell dc tomorrow morning so this is not the right time to be asking to see the bill. But I will certainly bear this in mind. I may be naive, but right now I think its really important that we are working together while dc are coming to terms with things.

Needafootmassage - it's really good to hear a positive outcome to a similar situation, thank you.

Singlediva - I will be thinking of you tomorrow. XP and I are planning to tell our ds on Sunday. It's the worst part of the whole sorry mess, isn't it? I do agree about the importance of putting on a united front for the dc's. Fortunately, XP and I still feel a lot for each other so we can do this despite the fat that there is an OW in our particular equation. I hope it makes your H realise the enormity of what is happening. Good luck.

Onlywantsone:
We told the children that there was another woman, soon to be ex was positively glowing about her. However the children were and still continue to be devastated - I've been told that the pain they are suffering is akin to that of the death of a loved one.

It's been hard to hide my feelings from them regarding their father and to be honest even though they still love him, their respect for him has been eroded. He has finally acknowledged this and hates the awkwardness that has come between them and him. It breaks my heart to see it. He was originally going to elope and only see the children once a month or thereabouts, however he's now come round to thinking that he can't be 150 miles away from his children as this would make him miserable - the first honest thing he's told me since March. So he's got a place nearby and hopefully will rebuild some bridges. I hope he can work it out with them.

I've been as supportive as I can but to be told that the 18 year marriage was a sham has been a real blow to my self esteem and confidence. I now no longer want to see him and want as little contact as possible. He can pick the kids up any time but I make sure I'm not in the house as sometimes he'll be nasty to me, verbally, such as correcting my grammar(!) and it all gets messy and upsetting for the children. It's very hard to keep your cool when you've been betrayed so badly.

I am sorry but I think he has someone else and doesn't want to tell you.

"The equation is: I love you, but I'm not in love with you + I want to leave + I don't want to go to Relate = affair."

No,not always. Categorically no other woman in my case

Celticfairy - your ex is a complete prat. He seriously needs to grow up and live in the real world. Stay strong and just love your dc.

Told our dc this morning. Both really upset. Ds (10) has been asking practical questions which a see as a good sign, the difficult part for him will be when H actually moves out at end of August.

Dd (14) is very upset and quiet. She isn't very close to her dad anyway and I think she us worried that she will have to spend some one to one time with him now. I have tried to tell her she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. She has phoned my mum and spoken to her which I am really glad about. It will just take time.

I am so very sorry to read this. i know it's a while ago but I wanted to respond as I am now in the same situation. In July my husband of 24 years (we've been together for 29)told me that he's been having an affair for 6 months with an old girlfriend he'd been with before we met - so at least 30 years ago. she is divorced and her husband did to her what she is doing to us. He was un-faithful and now, having Googled him in June of last year to 'see what he was up to' her commitment to her relationship with my husband 'over-rides any guilt' she might be feeling about breaking up our family. My husband tells me that he no longer loves me 'as a husband should, but only as the mother of our children'
My world and that of our children 21,18 and 15 has been utterly shattered. To everyone around us - me included - we had a wonderful marriage and he was always seen as solid as a rock, with the usual periodic ups and downs. Living apart due to his work has meant that in his words ' the disparate life I have been leading has resulted in my becoming increasingly detached from my life at home and I have fallen in love with someone else who loves me too,and I want to be with her'
I experience every emotion in the book on an hourly basis.I cannot get my head round the fact that he's being so calm about it all. He is concentrating on re-building/maintaining a good relationship with the children who seem to be responding to him which is all good,although they're very angry with how he's hurt me.He's got everything covered and I'm just so scared to take things a stage further re finances as he's doing all the right things and nothing has changed on that front. I am fully aware that things might not always be like that - especially as the OW will naturally expect him to in time 'get the wife and finances sortd out so we can get on with being together an plan a future' I love my husband deeply and want him back. is this a lost cause? I would love to hear from someone..

everest10 I think you should start your own thread. I know you will get lots of support, as I did when I discovered my husband of 12 years was betraying me.

Good luck.

Everest I'm the OP and just wanted to give you my sympathy. It hurts like hell and you just can't believe that he could do this. As my situation is a bit different (there's no OW) can't tell you if there is any hope.
Just look after yourself and dc especially 15 yr old. My eldest (14) was suffering more than she showed and 3 weeks ago took an overdose. She didn't take enough to do herself any harm but the intention was there, a cry for help. It sounds as though your dc are coping better, just keep talking to them.
I really hope things work out for you.