Husband no longer loves me after 24 years together

[Singlediva]

My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore. We have been together 24 years, married for 17 with 2 dc's (14 & 10).
I still love him very much but can no longer be with him as it hurts too much. I always thought we had a really good marriage & so did everyone else. Have told both sets of patents (they were very shocked). In laws think there is something wrong with him as his behaviour is so not like him. They made him see his GP but they have said there is nothing wrong.
We have discussed the practicalities of separating (where he will go, financials) but have not told dc's yet. He doesn't see the point of going to Relate, I have been on my own and have requested more sessions as I need to come to terms with this, I thought we would ge together forever. He doesn't want to leave the dc's or the house but doesn't want a relationship with me except as friends. I have asked him to tell me straight that he no longer wants to be with me and doesn't love me but he either changes the subject or makes a joke out of it. Help, I can't work it out.

Has anyone else had experience of their husband suddenly wanting to split up?

For all these situations that are sooooo depressingly familiar, MN should splice together WWIFN's well-constructed advice with custardo's kick-arse rabble-rousers

that, to me, would be the perfect response to this OP (so sorry you are in this situation, love, it is utterly shit) and many, many others

You've just had a go at Rafwife ( quite rightly) by slating her "all men" stance, yet you state that all men who say they are no longer happy / in love with their wives are having or contemplating, an affair.

If I'd have come on here saying my DH had said he was unsure that he loved me any longer, you and others would have categorically stated that he was either cheating or about to cheat, yes?

I may well have driven my DH away by allegations of cheating, on the say so of half a dozen women insisting that he must be, instead of listening to him tell me how unhappy he was and vowing to put things right.

Both you and SGB have said that it always means that - I'm just pointing out that it doesn't.

Dear god what is it with these men who think they can shag their OW and still stay at home with the wife so that they don't have to do their own cooking and ironing.

OP - you seriously need to kick the fucker out and start your new life without him.

Mal...I think that what WWIFN is saying that it is very likely there is an OW and you should always rule it out (or in)

for all the reasons she so eloquently listed above...whether a couple stays together or doesn't stay together

Of course it's not true that no man ever wants to leave a marriage unless he's having an affair, nor that it is the only reason a husband might express unhappiness. For example XH used to regularly pull the "this marriage is a sham, we're incompatible, I'm emigrating" stuff. As far as I know there were never any women involved, it was just a passive-aggressive attempt to bring me to heel. But that was part of a regular pattern of controlling behaviour, which wouldn't seem to be the case here.

It is the case, though, that when an affair is the reason, they tend to follow a scarily familiar script. So far the OP's H's doings seem to be pretty close to that script. Unless the OP is deluded about his unhappiness being sudden (she can almost pinpoint a day when he changed), it does sound awfully likely that there is an external cause. This may not be another woman, but it certainly bears investigating.

Of course it's the most likely scenario and should be investigated, but it's not the only one - that's my only objection, it could add unnecessary fuel to the fire and make things even more unpleasant .

Mal, unless I'm missing something, I can't see where I have written that "all men who say they are no longer happy / in love with their wives are having or contemplating, an affair."

What I said on the other thread that has been linked was that personally, I have never known a man come out with the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you and I want to leave" and there isn't an OW in the background. I can't say this is always the case, I can only say I've never known otherwise, you see.

The critical difference is the desire to leave. From what you've told us, your H didn't want to leave and your H's colleagues don't seem to want to either, by the sounds of it.

So at this critical stage of the OPs' lives, when decision-making needs to be sound, it just makes sense to me, to advise getting all the information that is available.

Mal I do agree it is a possibility that the H doesnt have an OW.

But the problem is the combo of 'The Speech' - ie I love you but Im not in love with you plus the distancing - means there almost always is the hope or promise of someone else. For the friend of a friend recently it meant her H had fallen in love with a mum at a playgroup he took his kids too. In the end she didnt reciprocate. But the wife had had the speech and a terrible time while he was mean and distant. Other Hs can have emotional affairs where they dont reach the physical - until the separation from wife. And again the emotional affairs mean terrible distancing and meanness to wife and/or children

The important thing for most women is to alert them to the possibility of an affair. Many many just couldnt conceive of it! I am eternally grateful to the members of another website when I met them on a night out to warn me of the possibility of an affair. I would never have thought my lovely devoted respectable hitherto serially monogamous since puberty H to be capable of this. I had been trying to get him to go to the doctor and trying to help him with what I thought was his depression and issues of where he was going in his life. Even as the website members told me, he had been having an affair with a woman I knew well for 1.5 years. I couldnt see it then. But I found love poems and other stuff on his laptop a few weeks later.

So yes not absolutely always is an H having an affair - but I personally think its in the high 90 per cents.

OP -Im so sorry youre going through this. DO know your legal and financial rights as information is power. Lean on your family, friends for support. Be open to the possibility of an emotional or physical affair (sorry). Look after your kids and yourself. The pain is horrible. Consult your doctor if you are finding it really tough - some people choose to take antidepressents to help - many people I know have found counselling invaluable - your GP can refer you for some counselling. Keepposting for support. (())

I have been bowled over by the messages of support and the really good advice given, thank you so much. (especially WWIFN)

You will be pleased to hear I have made a solicitors appointment for Friday. I have also told H to book some time off work to sort out direct debits etc in readiness for him moving out. Have also told him to talk to his mum about when he can move in there and have spoken to her myself tonight to tell her where we are upto as he has a habit of 'glossing' over things to make them sound not as bad as they are.

I plan for us to tell dc's at start of summer hols (end of next week) hoping that his means we have chance to sort out new arrangements over summer before they go back to school. Thank you to helicopterview for her advice with what to tell them. She was saying the same kind of thing that I was thinking. My main concern is that ds (10) is close to his dad and he will blame me for making him move out, he may not be old enough to understand that I can no longer live with H. Has anyone told kids of this age?

I have thought about if there is OW, still not sure. Can't find any proof and he isn't missing from the house on a regular basis. But he has been on several nights out straight from work over the last couple of months, usually Friday nights. He has stayed out til late (4am being the latest) and when I asked where he was he says that a groupm went out from work, they had some drinks at a pub(he doesn't drink) and then go back to one of their houses.He works about 40 mins drive from home so I have never met any of these people. I know how this sounds!

All of you have really helped me and I feel like you have given me the push I needed. I had started to feel that I was over reacting to the situation but now I know I'm not.

Gosh, you sound very together.

I think those Friday nights out are very telling. Who knows?....I would imagine at the very least the silly bastard has had his head turned another woman.

Well, he will certainly regret it, OW or no OW. Good for you, for not hanging around like a kicked puppy !

Singlediva, my husband told me in January that he doesnt know what he wants, he cant say that he loves me and has been distant and cold since just before Christmaas. I initially cried alot but then felt stronger and decided hes a complete twunt and has been controlling with finances and cold to me for quite a while and I would be happier without him. HOWEVER ! hes is still in the house, refuses to move into another room or buy a spare bed and we are not speaking to each other at all except regards our 7 year old daughter. I cannot make him leave the house as in his words "I pay for everything Im not going anywhere " is his reply, how do you get the man out ? and I have no money he pays our big mortgage and all the bills. I have been the main carer for our daughter and hes always made it clear he has no respect for me as I dont earn any money, its very hard though thankfully I have lots of good RL friends for suppport and I just get on with things. He isnt out much though comes back from work at 9pm every night even though its his own company and his office is half an hour away.

op = best of luck, keep strong

breakfastfairy - have you sought advice about your rights re: the house. This doesn't sound like a satisfactory arrangement.

Breakfastfairy, you need to see what benefits you would be entitled to if he moves out and how much maintenance he would have to pay you. Once you know this then it will give you the confidence to make him move and know that you will be ok. Go and see a solicitor. You cannot go on living like this, I am beginning to realise this myself.

Singlediva youre right, I am coping becuase my days are busy and luckly mostly filled with fun times with my daughter and friends but I am sad and with the summer holidays coming God knows what hes thinking... I couldnt go anywhere with him, havent stepped in a car with him since the argument/split and when he comes in at nine I go upstairs and watch TV on my laptop and then go to bed.. Im too scared to talk to him I dont know why I just know he will be vile to me I think I will go back to the solicitor and see how I can get him to get out ? at least temporarily - but all those bills ?!?!?! he says he would stop my allowance ?!

This is why you need to go to the solicitor, he cannot treat you this way.

You must get this sorted out, for your sake and for dd, she will pick up on what's happening, do it for her.

Life is far too short to carry on like this.

No good advice to give, just wanted to send hugs.

When you say you can't find any proof, where have you been looking?

Singlediva well done for making the solicitor's appointment and taking control of the message to your MIL. I'm sure he is "glossing over things" - rather a lot actually, but I would say that is a euphemism for lying.

I'm assuming you must feel that even if an affair is discovered and admitted to, he wouldn't re-commit to the marriage, hence you are going ahead with telling the DCs next week?

Singlediva

Good luck - I was there six years ago - the no "longer loves me", and the cold distance the denials then staying out with 'mates' that I had never heard of from work (prior to that he didn't have any mates).

Blah de blah de blah.

I kicked him out - he was seeing someone else and now I really don't give a dam what he is doing or where he is. That was six years ago. I stated very firmly whilst looking him in the eyes that if I found out he was lying to me, about another woman, any scrap of respect for him would vanish in an instant. The look on his face when he was found out is something I will never forget and he knew exactly what I thought of him at that moment in time (and still do)

I cannot believe how happy I am with my life now and how unhappy I was in my marriage.

So sorry OP, this is going to be a shit time but I promise one day you will look back on it with a very wry smile. Head up, think clearly and remember he has everything to gain from any loss of control you show.

Also NEVER be tempted to sort out finances 'just between yourselves'. Leave that to the professionals.

You sound strong and are doing the right things. Good luck

I have posted many times about my marital problems...married 34 years and for the last 8 years no kisses, cuddles or sex...{blush}

My wife has never, ever said she doesn't love me anymore. But then again, she hasn't told me she loves me either.

Doesn't mean she is having an affair(except with f***g Facebook!!

Why can't people fall out of love without there having to be someone else?

I am curious because I KNOW my OH isn't having an affair with anyone else.

I may have missed something OP but have you two actually discussed what is wrong? I have tried with my OH but she doesn't want to know, but hopefully you can talk to your OH and possibly resolve why he is feeling like this...or have I missed something

Singlediva so sorry to read your thread.

Mal of course there may not be an ow but from my own experience (dont love you anymore, need to move out for a while to decide what I want)there is an ow not least in my case because exh was too weak to leave without someone to go to.

lamp I felt cheered by your post I am 6 months in to this rollercoaster and long to get off , I was unhappy in the marriage as well and know I will eventually be so much happier.

Singlediva my dcs are 13 and 11 ,long story but in horrid situation it fell to me to tell them and I kept it short and sweet Daddy doesnt love Mummy and we think its better to live apart but he loves you the same etc. At great personal expense I kept it together , didnt badmouth twunt and they have been fine. From time to time I casually asked if they were ok with everything just to remind them its ok if you arent over it 5 minutes later.

Wwifn love your name so apt for me too great advice always given although hard to read at times !! Bit on another thread about emapthy being transferred from you to ow and how you are no longer the priority hit home to me

Because she's still THERE. The equation is: I love you, but I'm not in love with you + I want to leave + I don't want to go to Relate = affair.

And sadly, more men than women come out with this tripe. Statistically, women very often leave without needing an alternative bed to lie down in, especially if they are financially independent.

Thanks for all your threads.

Lamplighter - I can really relate to the going out with mates suddenly when he didn't have any before. Also I have told him if I find out further down the line that there was OW then he is a @&£&ing liar and will make sure everyone knows. He still denies it even though his own mother and sister think there it!
Gettingeasier - I hope my dc's take things as well as yours did, we plan to tell them that dad no longer loves mum and they can't live together anymore but that doesn't mean we don't love them and dad still wants to be a big part if their lives. H says he will be there for if/when they are upset but I reminded him he won't be living with then! Also if they get upset in the middle of the night or when I pick them up from school then he won't able to be there and I will have to deal with them. He's not living in the real world.

I asked him tonight if separation is really what he
wants, he said yes. I hope he can live with himself, he has done nothing to save this marriage. I fell ashamed & guilty that we haven't made this work for the kids and really bad that they are going to have all this heartbreak. He just said he didn't feel guilty!

Off to the

I would stress to the kids that you and H are still friends (however strained it may be).
It will make them feel more secure.

"I fell ashamed & guilty that we haven't made this work for the kids and really bad that they are going to have all this heartbreak. He just said he didn't feel guilty!"

Why is it the one who was trying to make it work feels guilty?

And the one who is causing it all doesn't feel guilty?

Give it time, you have done your best, and it might hurt the kids but they will get over it. Eventually he will realise what he is missing, maybe the guilt will come then.

Good luck!

I understand your guilt, although rationally, it is sorely misplaced. But this is why an infidelity discovery often helps, as long as you realise that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

It's impossible to save a marriage when one of the parties won't engage. And his avowed lack of guilt speaks volumes, I'm afraid. People whose feelings have changed without interference from another do feel guilt and they will go to Relate because they feel that they must try everything before throwing in the towel, especially where children are involved.

Whereas someone who feels "entitled to happiness with another" won't let themselves feel guilt - plus they've got that other person making soothing noises such as "children are very resilient, they will get over this", "you are freeing your wife to meet someone else", "A happy man makes for a happy Dad, why your kids will even benefit from this" and other such guff...

I am assuming you don't want to reveal where you have looked for information - or why you're not doing more digging, but it is pretty telling that his own family echo what we are telling you on here.