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Original poster

if your partner chats unknown to you on dating sites is this betrayal

33 replies

mopsera · 13/07/2010 21:35

if you found ur partner had been chatting to women online/ msm lots of them and had a dating profile saying 'single/ looking' but said it was only to chat to women as he is lonely; sneaks off to chat to them at night ; and doesnt tell you he's doing it...would you feel betrayed or think oh well let him has his fun as long as he doesnt do anything....? where is the line? why do i feel threatened and betrayed?

OP posts:
compo · 13/07/2010 21:37

Yes I would feel betrayed

sorry

GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 21:37

he's overstepped my line,for sure!!!

SilveryMoon · 13/07/2010 21:39

Yes, I'd feel very betrayed if it was done behind my back like that, and why say you are single and looking? If you just want to talk and be friendly, you'd say married in search of friendship wouldn't you?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/07/2010 21:39

His profile says he's single and looking for a relationship and he's keeping it secret from you? And you're in a monogamous relationship that has been agreed by you both? If yes to both of those questions, then yes of course this is a betrayal.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 21:41

Mop...I commented on another thread that I don't think you are in a monogamous relationship

you might think so...but he clearly does not

I am very sorry, but you need to open your eyes, love

Original poster
mopsera · 13/07/2010 21:42

no need to say sorri! i am just trying to be open minded as his ex says he did this periodically with her and she realised it was just a way of asserting his ego again...she says he his faithful but i just dont feel easy , tonite he even wrote to someone while sitting next to me and recently while away he chatted top someone, but explianed it away as 'she is 60 and a gomper'and 'im trying to help these women'

OP posts:
Original poster
mopsera · 13/07/2010 21:51

maybe u r right 'af'...see above post; yes i think i need to talk to him about this, he jokingly says its ok for me to sleep with other men; but then goes all wobbly when i even mention other men eg. my ex !!

..who- ..by the way adored me and is still angry i left and despite all the unclearness still thinks my 'partner' does not treat me well.

he thinks the film carrington is how we should live; open relationships and all that but i know they just dont work. i think next time i will want a traditional rel with commitment,

when you have a child, you can change and now i want a safer place for her without complications

he is anti-marriage as his last rel ended in painful divorce

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 21:53

mop...your thinking is all over the place, love

he is a dick...get rid of him and perhaps your own thinking will get a bit clearer

skinnymalinki · 13/07/2010 21:54

Mopsera, I dont know your other posts but all I can say is if my DH did this I would be devasted, as you obviously are.

Some people have very different ideas on how relationships should work, if his does not match yours perhaps he isnt the one for you?

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 21:54

I thnk you and your child would be better off alone for a while, tbh

dearprudence · 13/07/2010 21:55

It's betrayal in my book.

Original poster
mopsera · 13/07/2010 21:56

he thinks you can love lots of people, but my point is more emotional commitment; and i agree i think actually i realise thats what i need to feel. if you feel like you are the most important person then their love for other freinds is great but i guess i see that really his ex gets that emotional commitment, but im not sure i do. im not even sure he like s me.he is so critical. i guess i just want someone who loves me as i am!! and its really really hard when ur partner treats thier ex as you would want to be!!

OP posts:
skinnymalinki · 13/07/2010 22:04

It sounds to me like he might have been quite hurt before you?

Perhaps you need to test his love for you?
If you were not there would he really suddenly miss you and decide to commit?
Bit of a risk and I dont like games but it may be worth a try?

skinnymalinki · 13/07/2010 22:05

And yes its very hurtful for you.
It all comes down to how much you want this man completely yours.

DuelingFanjo · 13/07/2010 22:06

Sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me. Dump him.

skinnymalinki · 13/07/2010 22:10

Its never that easy though is it!

HairExtensions · 13/07/2010 22:14

mop this is a total betrayal and it's down right disrespectful. He does it when you are next to him?

I haven't read any other posts from you, so if your relationship is not monogamous in his eyes, but this is how you want things to be then you have to move on.

This sort of behaviour (his) can actually be like an addiction, and it appears that it is more important than you and your rights in the relationship.

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/07/2010 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:44

shiney...have you noticed the OP's other threads this evening ?

doormat don't come close

sorry, love

open your eyes, for gawd's sake, he is making a fool of you

BertieBotts · 13/07/2010 22:55

Mop You need to get out of this situation. He is never going to make you happy. The hardest thing I ever did was leave my ex who just wouldn't (couldn't?) extricate himself from his ex - it was just tearing me apart though. And although it was hard at the time I got over him and it is much better now.

You know it's the right thing to do.

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/07/2010 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 23:02

dunno about that, but this is the 3rd similar one under this name...

ItsGraceActually · 13/07/2010 23:05

Mop, sweetheart. He loves his ex not you. It looks like she doesn't want him because he pissed her off with his "open mindedness" and his horrid little ego. Perhaps she still sleeps with him, if he managed to damage her self-esteem as much as he has yours, but she'll get over him eventually. You can move ahead of her, that way, by stopping this baloney right now.

He doesn't want what you want. And he's liar, selfish, and a bully. Set yourself free to find somebody who does know how to respect a nice woman like you.

BrittanyBeers · 13/07/2010 23:06

Any behavior that makes you feel like this is wrong, and a deal-breaker IMO.

Partners should make you feel good. Happy.

He should not dictate the rules of the relationship. It's your relationship too.

GloriaSmut · 14/07/2010 17:40

WTF is a gomper ?

But to answer the original question, this behaviour would count as a betrayal. Or at least it'd be clear evidence that I was spending time with someone who wasn't interested in a monogamous relationahip. This might be fine. But you both have to feel similarly and I don't get that impression.