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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husbands Deluded Ex-Wife

68 replies

freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 13:45

Where do I start,

Me and my husband have been togther for 10 years & married for 5. We have three beautiful boys two of which are my step-sons and my little boy who is three.

My husband was married before, when I met him he was going through a terrible divorce his wife then had an affair with another man and moved him in to their family home whilst her husband was away on a business trip. He came home to find his belongings in a bin liner and had to move back to his parents and leave his two boys behind.

Since the split his ex-wife has been a complete bi*&h, demanding money telling us when we see the children, assaulting me in front of her own children, keeping the children away from us over the christmas period for two months, we had to fight through court to see them and paid thousands of pounds to do this.

The boys are older now and although we have quiet periods, she will start to cause trouble when things dont go her way.

The eldest has been given a mobile phone by her and she will ring him and text him all the time when he is with us just to find out what we are doing that day, She knows the in's & outs of everything we do.

She makes my blood boil we dont have a life as she is always interfearing, I would not mind but she was the one who left the marriage. She has re-married and has two other children.

I know she has a big problem with me, she will try her best to destroy any kind of relationship that I build up with the boy's. Im not there to replace her, but while they are spending time with us as we need a good relationship to make our family work.

She is driving me crazy with all the silly little stunts she keeps playing. How do I deal with this nut job of a woman.

Any advice on how other women deal with this sort of thing would be most appreciated.

OP posts:
noraa · 13/07/2010 13:49

i think your husband can put a limit to what she can do or cant, he has to speak with her about that.

DuelingFanjo · 13/07/2010 14:01

Do you have a formal legal arrangement RE what your husband pays your ex wife for the upkeep of the two children they had together?

lazarusb · 13/07/2010 14:35

I would suggest that the legal route is the best way here but your dh also needs to know & assert his rights (parental responsibility at the very least).

Harimo · 13/07/2010 14:41

Honestly... I'd leave her to your DH.

I've been with my DH for 12 years, married for 3. I deal with my kids. I leave hers to her.

Works for us.

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 14:42

To be honest, the money is not the most annoying part of it we have ways and means of getting around this. Its more a pas Parent Alienation Syndrome, she will use the boys and get them to lie for her, through no fault for their own this is all they have ever known even when we point out that lying dose not solve anything and that we will always find out the truth some way or another. Its more the fact that she will do anything to spoil what we have the boys will come through the week and every weekend and sometimes say two words the whole weekend they are there, more with me as I can only imagine what she has been telling them and saying about me. She is such a horrible person to deal with and I feel that the boys take her word everytime.

I could write 10 years of issues we have put up with on here, but that would take forever. The eldest will turn 16 this year and she has such a hold over him.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 13/07/2010 14:48

You might be surprised- the eldest may start to realise what she is doing as he gets older and she is the one that will suffer then. It's horrible to have to live with this sort of thing though, you have my sympathy.

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 14:54

Thank you, a few people have said that to me, I think its gone on for such along time that I can't ever see it ending.

OP posts:
HonestGuv · 13/07/2010 15:04

Is it causing a rift/bust-ups with your H? And who deals with the woman re. contact from her - you or H?

WildistheWind · 13/07/2010 15:26

freedom , I so feel for you as I am in a similar position. My DH ex is a complete nutcase...even if she has now another life , another partner, more children, she will never be content & let DH just get on with his life.

All I can say is try to detach yourself as much as you can from what the ex is doing -saying-scheming...focus on yourserlf, DH, and children. The shortcomings of the EX will soon be apparent to the children.

My eldest DSD loves her mum but can see how unreasonable she is about me and doesn't give in her bashing /influence anymore...she's lived with me long enough to know that I'm a good parent to her.

Have you considered posting this in Step-Parenting (in Being a Parent), there is a large group of SM just like you that support each other in this marvelous adventure that is having a blended family.

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 15:31

Sometimes it causes the odd disagreement but nothing major we have a very strong relationship and are both on the same side, no I dont ever speak with his ex she wouldnt listen to me if i tried. I know she calls me in front of the boys its terrible really. I could never do that to my children, I know they find it very hard and are put in a horrible situation.

The money she gets from us is never spent on the boys last week she bought a new car 3rd one in three years, I work and can't afford to do that. She is taking her two other children to disney land paris, but leaving the two boys behind, the boys think that the sun shines out of her behind. I know she is their mum and that they love her but I just wish they could see what she is doing. My Husband has been distrot at times its so frustrating. We have a defined contact order to see the boys. Even though the eldet will be of an age that he can make his own mind up she will always get inside his head and turn him agains his father.

OP posts:
Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 15:33

Hi Pegsontheline,

Thank you I will, im new to this so you will have to bare with me. It helps to get it all out and have a little rant now and again. Keeps me sane lol.

OP posts:
HonestGuv · 13/07/2010 16:04

When her boys are old enough to get on a train/plane, move the fuck away. If you marriage is strong enough.

Put your own son first. Ahead of your H and ahead of his kids.

Your boy might be badly affected by her shit. Be careful of this.

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 16:21

Hi HonestGuv,

Thank you for your advise, my son is my husbands son too, he is a fantastic dad, the boys love their little brother very much and are great with him and he loves his brothers to the point when they have to retun to their mothers he cries which breaks my heart, because he it too young to understand that I am not their mum.

Even when the boys are grown up and married and have children of their own she will always be their to cause trouble.

OP posts:
HonestGuv · 13/07/2010 16:38

Put your son first. Be more practical about this. When they're old enough the boys can come and visit. If she has poisoned them to such an extent where they don't want to, then you haven't done your son any favours by putting him through the mill over ti all.

Women like this don't ever give up. Your H should stop paying her a soux the moment he legally can.

And then you get on with your lives.

The boys can her to pay for the counselling they're going to need.

Hope her kids also thank her for not knowing their half siblings. Honestly, some women are just evil.

Harimo · 13/07/2010 17:31

HonestGuv... that's not bad advice in some cases.

Sounds a bit like the Ex I deal with.

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 19:42

Yes your right some women are pure evil, she will get her just deserves one day.

OP posts:
detoxdiva · 13/07/2010 19:55

Good advice here - it's good you and dh have a strong relationship as his ex could very easily create a divide between you. Tbh, the fact that you are so strong and she sees her behaviour not causing problems for you, the more this will probably rile her.

HonestGuv is right - she will not change. Women like this don't give up. The best you can do is rise above it and not let it bother you. Put her to the back of your mind and don't waste a second thinking about her.

Concentrate on your marriage and son. Make sure your dss's are secure in your home when they visit and know that you love them. Don't stoop to their mothers level and always be positive about her in front of them.

You can (and do) have a life - the fact that she wants to know the ins and outs of what you're doing just shows that she is jealous of what you have. When the boys are with you make sure you're all out there, having fun and that she sees you living a full and happy life without any concern for her.

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 20:01

thank you so much detoxdiva, great advise most of the time I do rise above it and I will never stoop to her level. You are right that she dose all this due to her own jealousy.

I will never bad mouth her in front of the boys, I know better and as much as I hate her she is still their mum.

Thank you to all above.

OP posts:
HonestGuv · 13/07/2010 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 20:35

Thanks for that HonestGuv, I always put my child first always have and always will, However if you have not been in this position i would imagine its a little hard to comment about and as far as bringing fred west wife into it that just sick.

OP posts:
detoxdiva · 13/07/2010 20:42

Go stay in a yurt with the availability of free on-tap anonymous shagging.

And you're telling others to grow up

Clearly you've not been in freedoms situation or you'd have a better understanding of the complexities involved. You marry a man with children and those children become part of your new extended family. You love them and want to do the best for them. This doesn't mean you have to put up with childish and demanding nonsense of behaviour from the ex, but it does mean that a general 'fuck you all' attitude is inappropriate and just as childish.

Original poster
freedom2010 · 13/07/2010 20:49

Thanks detoxdiva, a little confused by HonestGuv comments above, with a situation like this you have to play the long game I am certainly not going to give up on my step-sons we see them every week as we have a contact order in place in our favor and I am not going to tell my husband to grow up when he never has a conversation with his ex as she will do all to avoid him and send messages via the boys. thanks for the support

OP posts:
HonestGuv · 13/07/2010 20:56

This doesn't mean you have to put up with childish and demanding nonsense of behaviour from the ex, but it does mean that a general 'fuck you all' attitude is inappropriate and just as childish.

what, after ten bloody years of it?

I have been in exactly the situation. It destroyed everything.

Also OP, judging by what people say here, the ex wife isn't a 'nut job' (insulting!) She is just an abandoned mum doing the best for her kids in the face a whole load of crap from you.

Apparently you should keep taking it from her.

HonestGuv · 13/07/2010 20:58

no wonder second marriages have such a shit record. Held to ransom by so much sanctimonious bollocks about the ex.

Harimo · 13/07/2010 21:03

What's your point here honestgov?