How do you know you've made the right decision?

[FrazzleRock]

DH and I separated 2 weeks ago.

Some days I'm absolutely fine and look forward to the future.
Other days, usually evenings I miss him so much I can't breath.

Tonight is a bad night.
I've even got the wedding album out

I'm so so sorry, this must be such a strange and difficult time. Do you want to tell us any more, was it mutual and how did you leave things? It certainly sounds like you are dealing with this in a really sensible way in managing to look forward sometimes and also that you still have something special that you still miss him?

by the way in answer to whether it's the right thing, do you think it could be too soon to know? Sometimes i wonder if being apart for long enough can often help clarify things as it helps you to take a proper step back and see where you are within yourself and how you are without him?

you know,i think we should have an 'this is why we split'album!!

pictures of the good times,we all have....never many of the bad times,if any,are there? those are in our head only

Tif, I once took a photo of my ExP while in a drunken rage and the aftermath; sofa upside down, pictures smashed etc.

I look back on that now and smile.

Frazzle, was it a mutual split?
Don't deny your feelings.
Of course you will wobble. You built your life around this man. But there will be life after him.

Frazzle, I am sorry you are feeling so down.
It is early days for you and you are still grieving.

I dont know why you split up, but I split up with my ex last year and whenever I have my sad moments I just go through in my head why i ended the relationship. I remember specific incidents that made me unhappy, how i felt at the time, his behaviour, reactions and why i felt so unhappy. I then start to feel angry. I then remind myself that he cant do these things to me anymore and that i am in a much better place now and think of the positives i have. It seems to put things into perspective for me. Its a bit like Tiffany's 'why we split up album' in my head.

A year on, and I am definitely over him and rarely think about him. I still see him as we have a child together but he is just the father of my child. Time definitely heals.

Just take it slowly and you will get through this. Take care

Thanks for the support everyone

It was my decision at first and we hadn't been getting on at all for weeks.

I suggested we separate and he agreed, so it was mutual.
I was absolutely fine about it - or perhaps in limbo until a week later I noticed he'd taken his wedding ring off
This really knocked me for six as I felt this was such a final thing for him to do.

I felt hurt and angry that it was obvious he wasn't prepared to fight for us I've been a complete mess ever since with the odd good day here and there.

We've been together 9.5 years, have two DC (DS1 is 5yrs and DS2 15 months).
We only got married in September last year

I know that I can do better, he brings me down so much and isn't the responsible reliable father/husband I'd hoped for.
He hasn't (to my knowledge) cheated so it's not about another woman although these thoughts, obviously, go round in my mind.

I just can't believe, after all we've been through, he's prepared to throw it all away.

I just want him to grow up (he's 29, I'm 31 but still!)

I feel like begging for him back but I know I'll regret it as he won't ever change. He's not been brought up to be responsible and reliable so he can't see what the problem is.
Apparently I'm uptight and want too much from him .

Why do I miss him so much?

Maybe it is too early to know if we're doing the right thing.

I supposed I'm scared of doing this on my own - even though he'll want to see the boys as much as possible but, like I said, reliability and responsibility aren't his strong points.
I should be used to it as he was always like a third child to me. A hormonal teenage student more like.

In fact, I had to do a course all day on Saturday so he had the boys at home. I got back to chaos. Empty fizzy drinks cans everywhere, sink full of washing up, pizza tray on stove and crumbs everywhere. There was even tomato sauce from the pizza on the duvet and cushion on the bed.

Made me realise how much easier it's been not to have an extra child gto clean up after.

But I still miss him

Frazzle, your DH sounds EXACTLY like my DP. We separated just over a week ago, for different reasons than you did. We have 2 DCs too. I am 32 and he is 27. I often wonder if he wasn't ready to grow up and be responsible, as he has never been a brilliant father.
I can really relate to the 'good days and bad days'. When it's just me and the kids, and I just get on with the day to day stuff, I'm ok. But once they are in bed I have been going to pieces. I have to stop myself grabbing the phone and asking him to come back . no advice I'm afraid, but just so you know you're not alone in feeling like this. (hugs), Mercury x

Is it really him you miss? Or the man he once was/could have been? Or just the company, support, shared history.

You are still so young - you have many many good years ahead of you. The best, in fact, now you are free of a man who didn't value you.

I wouldn't torture yourself with wedding photos. Why not put an album together of good times with friends/family.

Remember those good times, and plan some more.

Sorry, for late reply.
DH came over last night for a face to face chat.

He text me "I'm coming home"
I saw that as for good so got all excited as I wanted to reconcile our marriage.
He didn't mean it like that and when he got home he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and it's too late for reconciliation.

I'm heartbroken. Really wanted to work at our marriage. After nearly 10 years together and two children I thought we could talk it out with a councillor. Now I've got no hope

I know it's for the best but I'm hurting so much. I can't do this on my own.

You're all right by the way. You're all making perfect sense and I really appreciate your support and help but right now all I want is my husband back.

I feel like he's died and like a part of me has died too.
I want this feeling to end. I want to be normal again. Happy normal me.

Oh Frazzle, that's horrible. So sorry to hear you are having a sh*t time. Again, I can't give you any advice but I'll be watching your thread to see how you're doing. Take care of yourself x

thanks Mercury, I really appreciate it.
I'm sure I'm boring my friends with my up and down moods - they don't act bored but I know I would be bored!

It really helps to write it all down here and having people, who don't know me and have been through the same, to listen and give me great advise will really help me get through this eventually.

I think once I snap out of feeling sorry for myself, I can take on board everything you've all said.

frazzle

So sorry that you are going through this.

I'm also sorry you got your hopes up that he would be back to stay.

Why did he take his wedding ring off so quickly? Do you think that he has been thinking of leaving before and in actual fact, you made the decision for him?

He told you he's not in love with you anymore. When did his feelings change?

You're going to grieve. You'll be so up and down. It's like you've been hit by a train. Nothing will seem real. You'll almost float through the day.

What have you told the DS1?

Can I ask why you wanted to seperate/have a break when it seems to me it isn't what you wanted at all? Just by the way you say you feel.......

The fact that he isn't fighting to save the relationship has really upset you. Do you think that maybe you were 'testing' him?

If I'm out of line here, please tell me to sod off but I think there is more to this. I think that you must still love him and want to be with him if you feel like this.

But, perhaps he np longer feels the same and needed a reason or green light to tell you so.

Again, sorry if I'm way off. I'm not trying to add to your upset. I'm just going off what you have posted.

It probably was a test. I thought it might buck his ideas up. Although, at the time, I'd really had enough.
I've threatened separation so many times and I've also told him in the past I wasn't sure if I loved him or not.
He's learnt over time to fall out of love with me.
Who can blame him?
I wanted to separate because I couldn't stand his miserable behaviour any more. He was moping around like an overgrown teenager and wouldn't communicate with me I thought it was work getting him down, turns out it was me and my constant nagging and no sex.

It's catch 22 though, I nagged because I wanted his help. If I didn't nag I'd moan about being knackered from doing everything.

I think I just assumed that with time he'd grow up mentally. 10 years later and no joy.

However, I have spend a third of my life with him and have two beautiful boys so to just throw it all away is devastasting

I know I was horrid to live with but if he'd just been a little more considerate, reliable and responsible with money I wouldn't have been such a cow.

He says he's not ready to grow up and at 29 years old, thinks he acts his age

Well, I'm off to the jobcentre tomorrow to talk to the Lone Parent Adviser (Or someone or other)

I've no idea what to expect but having spoken to the jobcentre over the phone I'm not holding out too much hope.
Apparently, because I work 50 hours a week (as a self employed childminder) I probably won't be entitled to anything. I was very surprised they don't base it on income rather than hours worked - I actually earn very little once I've taken tax and expenses out.

Looks like I'll be scraping the barrel for the foreseable future

frazzle

Good luck at the job centre.

The thing is, if you constantly tell someone you're going to leave them, not sure if you love them or want to be with them, at some point, they will take that decision away from you. And leave.

I think that is part of what has happened. Your insecurity has pushed him away.

You said it was a test. Why? Did he never say he loved you? Show you affection? What made you test him?

Maybe, as corny as this sounds, sorry, you need to learn to love yourself before you can let others love you.

To be fair he pushed me to telling him to leave. I couldn't bare his laisez faire attitude.
He earns 45 grand a year but he was constantly pushing us into deeper debt.

He can't look after money.
He's unreliable and irresponsible.

He used to pay me attention and tell me he loved me but he got more and more distant and wouldn't communicate.

I'm not really that insecure. I used to be but not so much anymore.
It wasn't insecurities pushing him away (not quite sure where that came from...?) but his childish behaviour.

For instance, he was supposed to sort out the MOT ages ago. Tells me two days ago it's still not been sorted We were 2 weeks late to pay our car tax. I had to sort out a last minute MOT myself and have now ordered a new tax disc.
He was very lucky not to have been stopped but that's him, just doesn't seem to have a care in the world.

He uses the credit card all the time and isn't paying back what he's spent. Keeps saying "next month I promise" but nothing.
I'm fucking sick of it. He's a 29 year old married father of two.
He's told me he won't grow up, doesn't feel like he needs to.

It sounds to me like you've been in some sort of mother-child relationship. He's irresponsible in terms of finances, MOT and the like, because he knows you (the responsible one) will rush to the rescue.

Perhaps you wanted to run the show, but when he gave you authority you didn't respect him anymore. And who can blame you if he's playing the role of an adolescent.

I could be off the mark, but if I were you I'd have some sort of counseling to work out how to have a happier better balanced relationship next time.

I think you're right helicopter. Definitely need some sort of counseling. My last relationship was very similar!

I'm sick to death of being the responsible one.

My friends say "oh you'll find someone else" Well, my standards are pretty high now so I'm not so sure!

I'd like someone to look after me for a change!

Oh Frazzle, you sound so sad I know how it feels. I miss my XP although I do not want to be with him, but last year when we split temporarily, I was a mess. I felt like I couldn't function without him. It will get easier and you must stick out this bit; I massively regret going back, because I wasted another shitty year with him before I realized I was right back where I started and I HAD to get out this time, and for good. My resolve is stronger this time round though.

Are you getting Working Tax Credit because you are self employed and on a low income? I'm doing this (SE) and it's been a godsend. I couldn't manage otherwise.
Keep your chin up hen.

I just wish H would realise he needs to grow up, still (stupidly) miss him terribly

Cheerful - I've spoken to tax credits, just waiting for it to kick in, not sure when to expect it....

I just feel so sad for the last 9.5 years together. I feel like a fraud because we only got married in September last year.
I asked him why he married me, he said "I thought it would make you happy"

I would be sort of annoyed that he didn't he married you because he wanted to, but implies it's what you wanted so he gave it to you.

Nevertheless as recently as last September he was committed enough to you to get married to make you happy.

Was he irresponsible like this before you got married, or has marriage changed him? If so, he could be playing out the marriage style of his own parents.

sorry - missed a word out...he didn't say he married you...

God, yes, his parents are the most easy going people you'll ever meet but in a bad way. Just like DH. He's been brought up to spend money whilst it's there and get things done when you feel like it.

It's so frustrating. For instance, MIL will say to DS1 "Come and stay with us at the weekend and I'll buy you a toy too"
DS takes this literally (why wouldn't he?) and counts the sleeps. Then MIL will say she's working but will take him next weekend, and it starts all over again. Although she will also take him on the spur of the moment. I just can't take anything any of them say literally.

It's not DH's fault, he was brought up this way. He makes me feel as though I'm uptight and nagging.

DH was like this, to a certain degree, before we got married but he seems to have gotten worse since the wedding. Or maybe I've noticed it more..?

Friends say, as much as they like him (he is very likeable), they can't see him ever growing up it's just the way he is.

I don't want him to be bored and stay in all the time but I just want him to realise that life isn't full of fun and games.
I want him to realise that important people in his life need him to be reliable. I want him to realise that money isn't there to be spent, especially the banks money!
We get charged every month for going over the overdraft and he will slag off the bank but if he just kept control we wouldn't get charged!

I'm sick of being the boring one. I want fun too, but with our own money, not the banks