How do you know you've made the right decision?

[FrazzleRock]

DH and I separated 2 weeks ago.

Some days I'm absolutely fine and look forward to the future.
Other days, usually evenings I miss him so much I can't breath.

Tonight is a bad night.
I've even got the wedding album out

If he's playing out parenting roles he's seem at home (and it sounds like he might be) he will find it hard to change. He'd need to recognise what's he's doing first, and why, and then work quite hard to find new ways of relating to you.

Not impossible, but you'd need to get him to see the point in counseling.

Good Luck!

God almightyl love, you are so much better off without this loser. Really. It hurts a bit now, change is always painful, but fairly soon you will find yourself losing that miserable knot in the chest of tension, anxiety and resentment that living with a parasite brings. The one that;s all 'WIll he overspend this month? Is he going to sit about with a face like a smacked arse so I have to spend hours going 'What's wrong my sweet papoo' finally to discover that he didn't want to be reminded to put the bins out cos it kills his buzz? Would it kill him to pick his skiddy pants off the floor?'
YOu are very young. There is a whole world of opportunities and possiblities out there: so much more to life than hanging on to a crap relationship. Best of luck.

"Well, my standards are pretty high now so I'm not so sure!

I'd like someone to look after me for a change! "

When you say standards - looks, treating you, other behaviour? Just curious, it could mean lots of things. Or just something clicks, with just a few men?

And the looking after?

I'm curious as I'm doing something wrong with my relationships and I need to change me or the type of relationship! I think I have 1 last chance (nearly 40) for the family life I want.

Helicopter - he doesn't want to change and can't see the need to as he's "only 29" perhaps he should have thought about that before agreeing to two children, a marriage and a mortgage
He says he's not "in love" with me anymore so I doubt very much he will agree to councelling, I've already suggested it anyway.

SolidGold - you've hit the nail on the head there! Still can't forget all those years together and can't believe he is throwing it all away

DryWitted - By standards, I mean treatment - respect for one. Looks aren't hugely important to me although of course I would need to have initial attraction towards someone. DH is good looking (well, I think so anyway). I'd like to meet someone who is happy to share responsibility and general care of the home, especially if we both work full time.
I think DH thought, as I work from home, I'm basically a stay at home mum. In fact, when we were talking the other night, he said
"Most of my friends girlfriends/wives don't moan about help around the house and even iron their husbands' clothes!, I've never asked you to iron my stuff!"
"Err, no and I've never asked you to iron my stuff either you moron" (I didn't actually say that, I was just gobsmacked)
He never realised how full on CMing is. He would even say "Why don't you not go to playgroups/parks/farms one morning a week so you can clean the house?"

He's a complete neanderthal (sp) I know I'm better off without him, I'm hoping I don't weaken if he ever asks to come back as I really think I deserve better - and all my friends agree.

The looking after bit - I'd like to meet someone who isn't rich but is financially comfortable, someone who looks after money and isn't in huge amounts of debt and getting deeper and deeper all the time.

I think I just want to be with a grown-up!

That doesn't sound too much to ask!

NO, I don't think so either!

Future partner sounds a little dull though...?

He must have a bit of a fun streak too!

Oh Frazzle - I'm so sorry to hear your news

But it does sound like you are/will be much better off without him. He is not behaving like an adult and is forcing the burden of responsibility on to you. You deserve someone who will treat you as an equal and not as their parent.

Thanks BIWI, I really appreciate it, how are you anyway? We must do another meet up soon

Fine - no work, which is a bit worrying , but shortly off on holiday so trying to look forward to that.

How about we plan for a September/after the kids are back at school meet up?

Oh a holiday would be lovely! September meet-up would be great x

Frazzle I have just read your thread what a horrible situation .

I know from bitter experience no matter how many people tell you you are better off without someone and even knowing it yourself doesnt actually reduce the pain involved. You thought you were with him forever and pictured a future together and now that is gone and you have to face the unknown.

You sound strong Frazzle and like the others I think in the long run you will have a more secure happier future without him , give it time

FrazzleRock I'm amazed no-one's mentioned it and perhaps others on here know your situation better, but I think this has all the classic signs of an affair.

I don't know if you saw a thread recently from someone called littlecritter but have a look at her threads. The similarities are spooky and also, I have seen this scenario played out a lot elsewhere. You made to feel it's your fault for nagging, when all you're doing is citing perfectly reasonable expectations, behaviour worsening, distancing etc. - all behaviour that gets you to sack him, so he doesn't have to reveal his hand and explain why he really wants out of the marriage.

Now the only reason I'm telling you this is because you might be moving forwards with a completely distorted story of why you have broken up - that you sucked the love out of him and in the end he'd had enough.

He married you in September and I suspect he is re-writing history about that now. I'd wager a lot on the likelihood of an OW who appeared on the scene sometime after you were married. Try to pinpoint when behaviour started to really worsen and when the distancing started. Then add up some other clues.

This information will liberate you, not floor you.

gettingeasier - thank you

WhenwillIfeelnormal - This had crossed my mind. I'm still in two minds about it. It might sounds terribly naive but I actually don't think he would. I've spoken to friends who know him too and they also don't think he's capable. That's not just them trying to be nice either. He's quite shy when it comes to women and he's also quite insecure and not hugely confident in the bedroom department either.
Obviously, never say never but I'm thinking probably not, knowing him.
He's too lazy to have an affair for a start!

However, it would explain where all his money goes.
I've questioned him a few times since the split, telling him it all adds up but he's pretty convincing. Either he's turned into a very good liar or he's telling the truth.

I think it depends whether you feel it would help you, if it turns out that all the recent worsening behaviour was attributable to him (and someone else) and not you. That you weren't being unreasonable or "horrid" as you put it earlier. I suspect it would help you enormously actually, because you can bring all those lessons learned into new relationships. You know that you don't want to parent another irresponsible man and that you want to have some fun, instead of the role you have been enacting in this marriage, of controlling/nurturing parent.

What worries me is that without knowing the full picture, you will suppress perfectly reasonable requests to share the load, because your ex complained that this was nagging. That you will have a completely distorted view of what happened here.

I don't have one friend whose jaw wouldn't drop if I told them my H had engaged in an affair and I've got one friend who now thinks that if my H could do it, anyone could. Likewise my family. As for laziness, there is no greater motivator in life than lust. My H was lazy too.

It's difficult when your H is insisting there is another story, but have a think about what I've said and whether it resonates at all. Apart from him, is there any way you can find out? Do bills (especially phone) still come to the house? Is he registered for online phone billing?

hi just seen your thread,
have moved out with my 2 dds on thursday after 10 years of marriage.was estatic first night but feel like a right misery at mo,my ex dh took off his rings this weekend its so hard to be positive,keep strong,,

i cried all yesterday but i am not going back to him ,we have broken up twice before and nothing changes so its 4 the best

he brought our cats over today and tbf i realised i missed them more than i missed him so dont give up.we can get through it

loads of us feel the same xxx hugs

WhenwillIfeelNormal - I will try to do a bit of investigating. A lot points to an affair but I can see that I pushed him away. I'm obviously too strong for him, he needs a doormat and he's realised I'm not going to be one anymore.
His mobile phone bill comes here but I wouldn't recognise numbers anyway so if there was one number he kept calling, it could be a friend or another woman and I wouldn't know.

We have mutual friends. His best friend (who was his best man) and his wife, who is a really good friend of mine and we have children the same age. I'd imagine the friend would know but I don't know if he'd tell his wife as she's bound to tell me, especially if I asked (she's awful at keeping secrets)

How else would I find out?

His mobile has a lock on. I know, I know - it was because the children kept buggering it up - ok, I sound like a right wally now don't I.

In fact, I've just questioned him again.
I said, why has your phone got a lock on? He says "I don't want the children messing my phone up, they've already got rid of loads of things on there and when you phone me, it doesn't ring"
I told how suspicious it is.

He's sitting there arguing with me now

I can feel my bloody boiling.

Why am I even getting stressed about it?

He's trying to put all the blame onto me saying I was horrible to live with, I kicked him out so it's my fault.
Yes, I know that - there was a reason for that in the shape of an overgrown teenager.

I just can't understand why anyone would throw away all those years together

He can't admit to himself what he's like, he never will.

fucker

You would know I'm afraid if you looked at a bill. It would be absolutely obvious. People having affairs text a lot. If you find that to be the case, you really need to get on to that phone if you can to match a number with a name, but often these are saved under inoccuous names such as "Dave -work" etc.

Stop asking him. If he hasn't told you there's an OW, he's not ready to. You might raise suspicions by asking him, causing him to cover his tracks more, I'm afraid.

How are you today Frazzled? Meant to say too that having a password protected phone bcause of the DCs doesn't prevent you from knowing the pin, does it?

I'm ok today thanks
It's so weird how I can wake up in the morning in a great mood and looking forward to the future but the very next morning I can be feeling so shit and depressed.
What on earth can happen overnight for that to happen!?

How would I get his pin? Thought it would be his birthday but it's not

Hmm I thought you wouldn't know his pin...

It might be OW's DOB, or the DCs', or yours, or his bank pin. It might be written down somewhere.

Is he on contract for his phone? If you've got an old bill lying around, you will have his account number and can therefore register him for online billing. Then you will have access to up to 2 years of phone bills.

Is he still in the house? Another method is to invent a reason to borrow his phone and watch the panic on his face. This is best if you are out together and therefore don't have access to a land line. Pretend your phone is broken/left at home. Watch him unlock it and try to see the numbers used. Then, invent a reason to walk right away from him with that phone and out of sight. Pretend it's a confidential call and this is good if you are with the DCs in a cafe, because he'll have to stay with them while you disappear.

Then go and lock yourself in the ladies loo and search that phone - the picture gallery, every folder that exists and especially the log. Have a pen and paper to hand to note numbers.

bloody hell, you've done this before!

I still find it hard to believe he is having an affair. He probably isn't - as stupid as that makes me sound

I haven't actually.

My DH was daft enough to have registered himself for online billing and saved his passwords - and it would never have occurred in a million years to have looked at his phone, which was not password protected.

I don't imagine I'd have any suspicions ever again, but if I did, I would snoop in a heartbeat.

Just sending you some hugs, I'm in limbo at moment, so i know how you feel.

Thanks Ladywolf. When was d-day?

Last weekend he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, this weekend he says he wants to leave. He hasn't gone yet though.