Does anyone live with a "dry" alcoholic?? Please help

[vintagewarrior]

Hi all. Since the birth of ds 2 years ago, our relationship has really hit the skids. His moodiness the main factor. He's seemed to manage to put the blame at my door for most of it to the point of me being on ad's. After a dreadful holiday last week, he moved out for a few days ( at my insistence ). Finally confided in a friend of ours last night and she said she thinks he's a dry alcoholic!! Very very similar (freakishly so) behaviour to her ex. Well to say I'm astounded is an understatement. I know he is weird about drink (abstains for months at a time) and used to drink way too much, but this has thrown me. He lives his life with an inner rage always drinks too much once he starts etc. But as he drinks so rarely now I had no clue this might be the problem?? I'm freaking out, have phoned him and told him to come round for a chat and why, but don't know what comes next!!! Will he see the connection when I show him the aa website, or try to blame me??? Any replies will be greatfully received!!

Hi vintage, in AA a dry drunk is someone who is an alcoholic who is not drinking but is not 'on the programme' i.e. following the 12 Steps. According to AA this state is as bad as being a 'practising' alcoholic. As I am the alky in my relationship I do not have much advice! I just wanted to respond. The best person would be MIFLAW - hopefully he will see your thread shortly. He really knows his stuff!

All the best (and sorry for not being all that helpful!)

vintage - have no real words of wisdom for you, like moomin, im the alky in my marraige too, just wanted to send you my best wishes and also recommend miflaw, he is a huge help!

Can you explain a bit more about the freakishly similar behaviour, please, vintage?

What the others have said, above, is right - most alcoholics have underlying issues of some sort. The 12-step programme brings about self-awareness, which addicts have been trying to avoid through using. A dry drunk is somebody who thinks their issues will go away if they don't drink, but still won't face them. So they never deal with anything and, as you describe, end up getting lashed once in a while when their bad feelings get too much.

As you & your friend have noticed very similar patterns of behaviour, I'm wondering whether both men might have a condition (like a personality disorder) that drives both their inner turmoil and the abuse. If so, it's a dead cert that posters here will recognise it; people with these disorders seem to follow a 'script'.

Whatever the underlying cause of his problems, they are definitely causing YOU problems. Inner rage, as you put it, is an unpleasant and dangerous quality.

I don't see how being a dry alcoholic can be as bad as a drinking one- seems ridiculous to me!

Recognising one has a problem with alcohol is a very important step, and not giving in to that siren-call takes strength.

The main traits are being able to not drink for weeks or months, then going on a complete bender to the point of hurting themselves, getting arrested etc.

Thinking about the next time they can have a drink CONSTANTLY. This takes up all their headspace sp no room for anything else.

Massive guilt and feelings of despair when they do have a drink.

Low self confidence and paranoia

grandoise behaviour, thinking they are very clever for not drinking day in day out.

Actually starting arguments and leaving as an excuse to get drunk

walking around in a constant rage at the unfairness of it all.

Chateaurouge. You are more than welcome to come and live with my dp to see how bad it us. To be forced to beleive there is something wrong with me, to avoid the real issue.

I live with an alcoholic who no longer drinks. His behaviour isn't as extreme as you describe but he is full of anger most of the time,very grumpy, completely paranoid and has an outrageous grudge against all his family and all my family and friends because he somehow blames them for his drinking years and everything that happened during them. He has never been able to see that his behaviour affected other people, either, or that he abused me physically, mentally and emotionally. As far as he is concerned, I made all that up to force him back to drink. The grudge goes to the extent that no one is allowed in this house, he comes to no social things or even things like funerals and my DS1 is planning to run away abroad to get married to avoid the conflict.

He has only had a very few incidents of drinking over the last 10 years but each one has been to the extreme; getting arrested, passing out, wetting himself, complete memory loss, all that kind of thing. Followed by complete remorse etc. afterwards.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice except that if he can stay off the booze for lng enough, it seems to get a bit better with time. I don't think that life can ever be "normal" though.

WHen my OH was on Disulfiram his behaviour was exactly like your husband's. He would plan when our next money was due and secretly stop taking his meds a few days before, so that it would pass through his sytem. All he thought about was when he would be able to get a bottle. Everything was an excuse to drink wile the money lasted. When the money ran out, he would take the meds again until next time. It's like walking on pins all the time, waiting for the next episode. I'm sorry that I can't help, but I do know how you feel. And while it isn't as bad as living with an active alky (at least in my case) it's completely bad enough.

So is the AA 12 step program the only way to be recovering? What if you don't want to do 12 steps? How is that as bad as drinking?

I really am no expert but I think that the 12 Steps tries to provide a 'path to living' for a recovering alcoholic and helps to take away the anger, self-pity etc. I am sure that there are those that can recover - and happily - without it.

If you stop drinking, but don't address the underlying issues - as the OPs H seems to have done, you are still dealing with an angry depressed man. What he needs is therapy of some sort. My DH has given up drinking, didn't do AA but did get therapy via our GP. Dealing with the issues behind the drinking has helped him control it.

Dh stopped drinking a year ago. He has been to AA many years ago, but it wasn't for him.

I personally think he could do with going to some sort of therapy/counselling but he is not exhibiting any kind of the behaviour described here. Though he has not 'stopped for a month'. He has stopped drinking completely. He is quite evangelical about it tbh and very positive.

So while I agree that people absolutely need to deal with their issues, as Moomin and Pfft say, I don't think AA is the only way.

If your dh drinks at all, OP, he is not 'dry'. Dh talks about it - he would stop for a month but then obsess about the time he could drink again, or the excuses he could make. Vintagewarrior, agree your dh needs help. Good luck, it is really hard. I hated it when dh was drunk - like a different person (though he was never abusive). So glad he listened to me, and eventually when I said 'look, I feel like alcohol is more important than me and the kids', he thought about it, then made the decision to stop.

Oh, and dh has had therapy in the past too.

God, Vintage, that's awful! It sounds like hell for him and for you & DS

Yes, the total obsession with drinking does make him an alcoholic - whether or not he's actually drinking. In my mother's day, "He's a dry drunk" was considered one of the few good reasons to leave a marriage; it's that bad.

Of course AA isn't the only way to deal with one's underlying issues - in many respects, it offers a way to skim over them, while still learning to live more comfortably with oneself. IMO therapy is better (and both is best). It's usually even harder to get an angry person to a counsellor than to AA, though ...

Thank you so much everyone, I am veering between elation and despair after this weekend, as is dp. But at least we have a starting point. Going to investigate all options open to us now. He is willing to get help, just going to give him a few days to let this sink in first. The shocker for me is that even tho he is a right twunt when he drinks, he very rarely drinks, so it never occurred to me this might be the problem. Feel a little bit dumb!!!

vintage- I am sorry that this is your experience, but I am an alcoholic who does not drink. I do not behave like that.

I do have a lot of 'inner rage' as you aptly describe it, but I have never ascribed it to being an alcoholic, nor do I let it out into my children's lives.

Then, CR, you're not what is called a "dry drunk". It's a particular set of behaviours, as identified by OP and her friend.

Don't you ever want to deal with the rage?

Chateau rouge. This has been a shock for dp, as we have only just come to realise he perfectly fits the dry drunk profile, the rage etc has been going on pretty much since he started drinking 20 years ago. Apparently some people can be stuck luke this when they abstain from alcohol, but never go through a recovery process.

i have just stumbled across this thread and it's helpful as i am in a similar situation and at wits end - hope i'm not too late to join in. my dh has been going to aa on and off for about 3 years. then it'll all get too much and he'll convince himself he hasn't a problem/can control it himself..until about 2 weeks later when it's escalated back into a problem (e.g drinking to excess, seeking out opps to drink and basically changing to a diff person)we reached this point again last night. he is in turmoil today and his biggest issue seems to be he doen't want to commit to AA - and i say commit as it really is a commitment. i see him less when he's doing AA than when he's drinking! but i'd rather that. he doesn't like it as he says he's constantly thinking about drink when on AA and has feelings of guilt etc all the time - plus he doesn't feel he's 'as bad' as some of the people at the meetings (yet). has anyone any experiences of other programmes he could try? i'm wondering if it's be worth him seeing a one to one counsellor who specialises in alcohol probs? sorry for long post. any hekp gratefully received..have had 4 hours sleep after waiting up for him last night and am 2 weeks away from giving birth to 2nd baby..and to be honest am bloody furious with him right now

'I said 'look, I feel like alcohol is more important than me and the kids', he thought about it, then made the decision to stop. '

i said the same thing to my dh and he has agreed to see GP about this as he refuses to go to AA
he gets very angry and aggresive (doesnt hit me but squeezed my arm last time and was very in my face ) whenever i start this subject and i drives me mad when he tries to twist the fact blames me and my attitiude
i should be less mumsy, loosen up etc.
well no - you grow up and put your son first before night out!

I am dreading this weekend and opportunities and excuses he will come out with

things are hanging on a VERY thin thread now
I know i cannot change him so if he doesnt go to his app tomo i will know he doesnt want to change

i am so sad it has come to this he was such a lovley man when we got married
i was only 19 mind you so i missed a LOT of signs..
oh well wont be making this mistake again!

Dried apricots and usedtobe. Thanks for sharing, I feel very alone this week. Trying to be supportive to dp, when I actually feel so disappointed that I waited til 36 to have first baby, and thought I'd finally found a man who'd look after me, and once again i am the strong one in the relationship. (same as all ex's and exh)
people don't know what it's like to live with a passive aggressive negative man. On top of that my lovely lovely dad has some health problems, which he hasn't brought on himself. I know being alcoholic is an illness but my son and myself will not suffer because if this I am determined.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but wanted to put up my hand and say I'm in a similar situation too so you're really not alone.

My husband tried AA and although he found it supportive in many ways it was the over the top almost religious aspect of the 12 steps that put him off. He now has weekly counceling and hypnotherapy to help him get to the crux of why he drinks and to prevent further episodes.

It has helped him in many ways. He has a better understanding of the triggers and physiological reasons of how a binge starts - ie dopamine release when he gets excited about seeing his friends etc.

However, it still happens now and again - he stars drinking then drugs get involved and he doesn't come home for days. I called the police last time in the hope they may sling him in a cell and dry him out for 24 hours.

Sorry, getting off the point1
It does sound similar to your dh in that he used to have the inner rage and blaming of all around him. With the counceling and therapy it's given him a better understanding of himself and why it happens so he's a lot more relaxed.

It's been a long road already and we're nowhere near at the end yet but it is getting better.

is it selfish of me not wanting to stick around if he doesnt do anything to change? I know I have to protect my ds hard thing is my dh is lovely person to outide word- I hardly see the nice guy, he comes home around 6 has dinner goes on computer, meetings, gym etc we hardly even speak these days and when weekend comes he's busy doing he's things and does everything to go out in the evening we have drifted apart and I can't bear to go out with him because of drink- I'm happy to socialise and not drink but he can't
So there we are
I feel so lonley and resent him more and more :/

No, usedtobe, it's not selfish. It's self-preservation. It's IS incredibly helpful to an addict if their partner believes in them, like some of the people on your thread. That support can never fix him, though

JWN is motivated to stay sober for one more day by the rapid improvements she's seen in her family & personal life. Those circumstances will only exist for some people. Many more - sadly - have inner problems behind their drinking and cannot get themselves to a state where they're prepared to handle their issues. So, as you've observed, they carry on with their 'addicted' behaviours even when they're not using. All addicts blame something and/or somebody else for their problems.

Recovery programs NEVER say partners and families 'should' support an addict. It's nice if they can do so, but it's never anybody else's responsibility, only the addict's.

Declaration: I am an alcoholic and an addict. I've been in rehab, am a lapsed AA member and I still drink & smoke tobacco. I haven't fully dealt with all my issues yet. I'm lucky to have guidance but know I can't expect anyone else to make me better. I'm avoiding relationships until I can trust myself to be fully "present" with a partner.

FWIW my exh went out drinking every night for the last decade of our marriage would drink either just enough to come home and crash out or be out of it completely confused/falling down/bed wetting etc.

We were well off so money wasnt the problem but I was very lonely at home with 2 dcs.

He left at Christmas and ironically tells me he hasnt got drunk since , says he darent as hes afraid he would fall apart .I am glad for sake of dcs as I was worried about his drinking when they were with him overnight but deeply resent it took the end of our 17 years for him to deal with alcohol.

Sorry op I know this isnt relevant to you but just to say to anyone who is putting up with what I did do something about it.

I failed to and will regret that forever

gettingeasier, what is that you wish you'd done?

I'm glad to hear he's not drinking around your DCs now, but of course am sad that it took breaking up your marriage ... though it can't have been that much of a marriage for 10 years
Silly bugger. (Him, not you!)