Would you ask him or leave it?

[NotAgainIHope]

I am a regular but namechanging as dh often reads MN.

So DH and I have been together for 10 years, have two children together. Generally life has been pretty settled and happy.

About 7 years ago while i was pregnant with ds I found out that dh had kissed a woman on his works leaving do and had stayed at her house with his mate that night. dh swears that nothing happened more than kissing and his mate seperately backed him up. I only found this out while playing games on his mobile and having a sneaky look at his texts, to find one from her.I confronted him and it all came out.

Anyway I admit to occasionally checking his phone from time to time but never found anything suspicious.

Recently our sex life has petered out and we rarely have sex, more out of never spending time together than not fancying each other but I am sure that is also part of it.

On friday night he went out for a sports presentation do and when he came into our bedroom at about 11pm I was pretty much asleep but opened one eye as he went back out of the room and saw him texting. He doesn't have many texts as a rule and his mates don't text him often at all.

Yesterday out of curiosity I checked his texts and in the sent box there was a text saying "its only a coffee, it will be okay"... I didnt get chance to check the inbox for the matching message IYKWIM.

Dh stayed up late last night and when i was up with the kids this morning I checked again and the message had been deleted.
Am i being super suspicious for no reason or should I ask him about the texts?

I don't want to confront him about nothing but I have a sinking feeling which is getting me down.

TIA

It does sound pretty suss.

i had a feeling someone would say that...

Difficult one.... You know he'll get defensive if you ask him and accuse you of prying, snooping, no privacy etc, as you'd checked his mobile. He'll make you out to be the offender.

Keep your knowledge to yourself if you can for a little bit longer. Be one step ahead. I really wouldnt admit to reading his texts. Sneaky I know but keep an eye on his behaviour. I think female intuition is an amazingly strong thing and he'll show himself up sooner or later by guilt, acting strangely, dressing differently, whatever and then you can confront him. Don't mention the text. Let him confirm it to you in other ways.

Am just going out with ds to the park, will check back later...

Doesn't look good.

Rather unnerving that he's reassuring [whoever] the meeting is innocent ... however, this would suggest that you've caught [whatever] very early! I'd also recommend sitting on it for a while, if you can manage that.

Are you tempted to stalk him when he goes for his coffee?

I would say nothing at the moment, and keep an eye out. Check his phone as often as you can as long as you won't get found out.

It does sound pretty dodgy to me

I would sign his phone up for bluebook and read all of his texts.

I don't know what that is but wouldn't that be risky if DH found out?

Have you got any other reason to think he might be up to no good, other than this text?

Has his recent behaviour towards you changed? Does he have enough spare time in which to have an affair?

I agree the text could be suspicious, but it could be totally innocent too. Could it be work-related?

I know he has made a mistake in the past but I think it's unfair to go to the extreme of getting bluebook etc - that just seems a bit too far based on what evidence you have.

Have you spoken to him about your sex-life? Are you happy with the way things are, and is he? I think that there might conversations you need to be having which would make you feel less insecure, TBH.

Having no spare time is a red herring, given the the majority of extra-marital relationships are conducted at work and also, lots of deceivers pretend to be going to work, when they are actually meeting someone else for the day.

I think what this boils down to is you didn't truly believe him last time - but perhaps because you were pregnant and vulnerable, you swallowed an implausible tale. Even then, you perhaps didn't get any resolution about why he gave himself permission to do what he admitted to. If you discovered it via texts, it's evident that there was more to this than a drunken kiss after a works do - there was some connection present.

Think rationally about why you're not having sex at the moment. Is he avoiding it, by going to bed at different times to you?

Does he normally delete texts from his phone so soon?

I'm afraid I would very much think there is something to worry about here.

Agree with WhenWillI...sorry.

Have you checked his E mail etc too? Receipts in wallet?, etc?

Another for agrreing with WWIFN.

Sorry but if the 'coffee' is innocent, why does the reciprocant of said text need reassuring.

Did he delete his 'sent' folder or just random texts including that one?

I would be the first person to say he's up to no good usually and I am sorry to say that this along with the kiss before does eem to spell trouble..

How ever I had to just pop on and say that a female who works for a competitor of my company has been trying to poach me and recently sent me a text asking to meet up and discuss, I said no because her office is near to a client of mine and I said it would look dodgy.. she replied... 'its only coffee, it'll be ok'

Hoping if her DH read it he wouldnt have thought she was starting up some kind of lesbian triste..

And i deleted the message off mine phone stright away incase my director read it...

There is sometimes an honest explaination..

Although i have to say if it was that late at night, it is unlikely to be work.

I would go MI5 on his ass... can you enlist anyones help?

Oh shit, should prorbaly delete that... Director - if youre reading this, I love you and would never allow myself to be poached!

at foureleven.

Thanks for all your replies.

Unfortunately no 'coffee' meeting has been mentioned to me so even if I could stalk him (have 2 dc's to look after) I wouldn't know when this is meant to happen.

I have no specific things to make me suspicious really. We spend a lot of evenings apart at the moment as i am working or he plays sport regularly (as far as I know anyway...)

Unfortunately you make a lot of sense WWIFN. A lot of your comments ring true. I know we need to address the sex/affection issue, and maybe spending some time together may be a start.

What's bluebook?

its a place online to store your text messages and voicemails.. you only need the mobile number to sign up so you could do it with his phone but you have to be with the phone on your own as it sends a text message through so you can confirm its your phone etc..
Im guessing he doesnt leave his phone with you when he's not there though?

Bluebook is an online text/photo storage site available to o2 customers. It stores all sent/received texts. Is he with o2?

I think oyu can have it even if youre not with O2.. You just need an O2 email account.. as far as I understand.

Ah, ok. I didn't know that.

It's an inspired idea, to sign-up his phone. Genius.

You do need to be on O2 to use it I think.

You can't sign up to bluebook without the phone owner knowing, they get a text to confirm set up, DH and I are synched up on it, that's how I know.

Ah, okay. Well he's not on 02 but does leave his phone around sometimes so probably could register it.

Not sure if i want to do that yet...

So if he happens to mention a coffee date should I just play it cool?

Yes, but ask lots of questions about it in a subtle way... you'll hopeflly know from his answers if he's lying or not...