He doesn't want me in HIS world. Is this a fair relationship?

[pigtailplaits]

I'd be very very grateful of any opinions/comments - i'm finding it hard to look objectivly at things atm.

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 18mths, HOWEVER, there are complications:

I am a separated (divorce not complete yet) mum of 5 - he has never married or had children.

He lives some distance from me and I don't have a car. He can drive to me in 30 mins but it would take me abt 4hrs by public transport. So, I don't go to him as it would be a whole day of travelling and wouldn't actually get any time there. Also - I have no family around to help with childcare and can't afford a babysitter for whole days at a time.

The above transportation issue is, I think, really convenient for him ... as I think he has no desire for me to visit him in 'his world' I've made suggestions about trying to get together with his mates or maybe they could come to mine (i'd happily put them up if it was a late dinner party). But still, after 18 months i've not met a single person from his world (family/friends or other). He tells me plenty about what's going on in his life but I will never know if it's the full story or only half of it.

He'll come to me for the evening, we'll eat, chat, cuddle and it's all nice ... but he never spends the whole day with me. He has to go back to his world and touch base with his stuff. Even on my birthday (after saying we'd do something nice for the day) he was gone by lunchtime leaving me doing the chores :-(

I do appreciate the logistics are always going to be difficult for someone in my position - but if I am with someone I want to be as involved in their life as they are in mine. He did not want me to go with him to his fathers funeral last year (we'd been together a year at this point) and that was deeply upsetting. Especially as I know that if his ex had been here (she lives abroad) he would have taken her.

I sense I'm an embarrasment to him, and I don't think he wants to have to try and explain to his mates the whole 'she's got 5 kids but none of them are mine' thing.

I've been really relaxed about the whole thing up till now ... accepting that it is as it is. HOWEVER, now i am thinking - if he hasn't even told his best mate abt me (apparently his mate knows a woman exists but doesn't know any of the details), or introduced me to his mum ... then this really is not going anywhere.

I should mention - he has met both my parents on several occasions and some other friends/aquaintances and is great with the kids.

So he's happy to come into my world - but i'm not allowed into his.

Do you think I am right in thinking that this is going nowhere?

I love him and don't want to part company with him ... but i'm beginning to feel like a real fool for putting up with it.

thanks for reading, x

I'd move on

Really sorry to be negative about this but my immediate reaction on reading is that he has a partner in 'his world' and that it's convenient for him that all visits etc are on his terms. I am wondering if without knowing it you are the 'other woman'.

Sorry to be so mean just that it reads a little suspiciously. He can get to you but can't even be bothered to spend a full day with you on your birthday? Where did he have to go on that day that was so urgent?

Even if my suspicions are wrong it seems to me that he is treating you badly like a part-time relationship, all on his terms and he has no intention of letting you into his life.

Sorry.

He's married.

Is there any chance at all he has another life somewhere else? It does seem very odd that his life is so compartmentalised especially if he's in his 30s or 40s? I would be suspicious.

However, putting that aside, I have to say that it does sound like the relationship will go nowhere. I don't suppose any of this matters if this is all you want from someone - but it doesn't seem like an intimate relationship. Meeting significant people, seeing how your loved one relates to others etc is part of learning to get to know and love someone else. And you should definitely be "allowed" to be part of his life. This sounds like it's all on his terms.

What does he want to happen in the longterm?
What do you want? I'm guessing from your posting here that you want more from him. I don't think you're a fool, but I do think you deserve more than half of someone.

I am so sorry to say this but your post screams married man or man in a long term relationship.

You could be the OW - without realising it.

Sorry.

I know 18 months seems a long time for something like this to go (IF it is what I feel) but I have a lovely DF who recently discoverd her DH had been seeing someone else for almost 4 years. When she spoke to the OW - the OW was completely shocked and had no idea he was married with DC.

I could be wrong. Hope I am because its shit outcome for all involved if I am right.

If he has no "double life" your relationship still does not sound like it will progress. He sounds too self absorbed.

Have you spoken to him on the subject? Have you actually aked outright "I would like to/please can I meet your Best Friend/Family/Mother?" If so, what has he said?

Thanks for all the replies, and so quickly!!

Well, you have all reassured me that this is, indeed, an unacceptable situation.

I realise alot of people 'say' this ... but i am fairly certain he is not in any other relationship. I say this because he is in very constant contact and even sends me silly 'on location' text pics (just a silly joke we have). When he was out of work (till spring this year) he would spend nearly every evening with me also. When he is not here i get good night texts every night and morning ones too.

None of this excuses his behaviour though. I have mentioned this issue to him before and he has said ... well ok ... lets address this situation. ...and then the 'buts' come.

'but'(he says) my mum is a heavy smoker and we cant take you and the kids in her house.

'but' (he says) how would we get you all there (7 of us in total and he doesn;t have a people carrier)

'but' (he says) by the time i drive to you, pick you up, take you back to MY local, it will be time to come back again.

These excuses are plausible i guess ... i just think if a guy is really that into me ... he should wanto t shout it from the rooftops and sow me off to the world.

I think you are all right ... there is only one possible outcome ot all of this. It is so sad though ... becasue after my husband walked out on me and the children i thought i'd never be happy again. This guy makes me so happy (but then right now i guess ican;t be happy can i!?)

pigtailplaits - do you have a landline phone number for him? Have you ever posted something to a physical address and he received it? Just wondering.

You're right. A guy that is really into you won't have any of these excuses. Or would find ways to overcome them, especially as you grow closer.

Finally, it's great that this guy makes you happy, or has up until now. Even if this comes to nothing in the longterm, you still get to take that happiness and all the good times, and your rebuilt confidence. No one will take that away from you.

pigtail, looks like you already have the answer.

I once had a relationship like this. Very odd chap. I eventually broke up with him. It is not the only relationship I had to leave, but mind you, this one still makes me perplexed. He was a time-waster.

Thanks pavlovalover, yes, we one did a whistlestop drive around his area ... (didn't stop tho) and once we went to his (deceased) dads house. It was empty - i can;t remeber why we went there. so i can verify all that stuff. I could never be 100% certain that he doesn't have someone else on the side ... but i'd bet huge amounts of money that he doesn't (and i'm not a rich lady!)

I don;t think the issue is whether there is someone else, but as you rightly said, these excuses just shouldn't happen.

I personally beleive that people never change. If he is like this now - then i think that's my lot.

I'm truly gutted. And very angry at him. And sad that i will lose someone who, for a while at least, made me feel more special than anyone has in my lifetime. We had a really beautiful 6 months or so inbetween us getting serious and when thinks started to go awry.

I always thought it was too good to be true that anyone would be interested in me in my 'situation' ... looks like i was right!

Thanks again for everyones posts.

Moving 6 peopel about would be a nightmare though.

Let's be honest-it would be a very brave man indeed who took on a woman with 5 kids on a more permanaent footing.

I am sorry pigtails, but this sounds all a bit bizarre to me and my immediate reaction was "another life" with other relationship.

Please dont think that your situation means nobody will love you or cherish you, they will.

wHEN YUO SAY YOU 'CUDDLE' IS THIS A EUPHEMISM FOR HAVING SEX?

yes Moondog, it is a logistical nightmare. this is why i was so unsure as to whether i was being unreasonable/expecting too much.

He does nice little things for the kids (usually small gifts) as he is not experienced in handling children and so it has been a big learning curve for him.

I my experience, things don't generally get better. I guess my only real dilemma now is whether i just finish the whole thing now or wait and see how the next few months pan out.

Problem is i am so emotionally weak already, maybe if i'd been a bit more headstrong and demanding he'd not have had it all his own way for so long.

I am proabably equally to blame for things getting to the way they are now. If i didn't like it i should have either put my foot down or else moved on.

Live and learn eh!

Moondog .... yes, it is! . I don't feel used though ... it is very much for my gain as well as his

pigtail, please don't blame yourself. It creeps up on you. Never too late to reclaim lost ground, when you are ready.

This is patently going nowhere.

The last thing you need is any relationship at all given your situation currently. You now need to love your own self for a change.

ok, regardless of whether this is fair or not. you aren't happy. it isn't the type of relationship you want (i wouldn't want that either)

you need to end this relationship and spend some time thinking about what type of a relationship you want. clearly a casual on eisn't it. a good tip i learnt is to think of your longterm dream, how do you see yourself,a nd more importantly, is there someone there with you? do you want someone who will play a father figure role for your dcs? someone to live with you and your family or someone who you are committed to long term but love separate from.

Pigtail - I was in the same situation as you a few years ago.My EXP would not introduce me to any of his friends or family - he gave me various excuses but I felt it was because he was ashamed of me.
The truth was that he had just told so many lies about himself that he couldn't risk me meeting anyone that could have exposed the lies to me. It seems crazy now - but the main lie was about his ethnic background - he had huge hangups about it and didn't want me to know that his father was Indian!!! I only found this out when he was sent to prison (for fraud,unsurprisingly!) and finally met his family.
What I'm trying to say is - this guy is hiding something - it could be something really major like another woman or it could be something ridiculous. Either way, he is a liar. You know something is wrong- it's time to get out of the relationship. I really wish I had got out sooner than I did.
Good Luck.

(Is he a Virgo?)

Obviously there's an imbalance. You've let him into the heart of your life (children, home, etc) but remain skirting around the edges of his. He may be hiding nothing but obviously, 18 months down the line he now has to involve or lose you.

It just isn't fair for you to feel like an outsider although it is something that can happen, to some extent, when stuck at home with many children. I know myself!

I had an ex who did this and he was seeing someone else.

Everyone's very quick to say, "Another woman", or "Ditch him and move on".

Surely if there isn't another woman (as the OP is fairly certain of), and if they make each other happy (as the OP also seems to think), then this is a long-term problem that needs to be solved?

Rather than everyone swiftly concluding, "It's not going anywhere".

Presumably, with 5 kids, the OP doesn't have loads of social opportunities to find someone who will be "great with the kids" like she describes this bloke as being.

I'm not saying it's a good situation; I'm saying it might be worth working on.

Belfast, you have a point. Pigtails could keep him as a fuckbuddy, if that is what she wants.

Could you hire a people carrier for a day so that you could all go and visit him and his family/friends or if this is too expensive possibly just sugest to him that you do this and see how he reacts.

If there is no-one else involved I see no reason why you and your dc's couldn't stay at his house or even go camping in a caravan or tent near his house and have a holiday there meeting all his friends and family but if he hasn't suggested it then I would walk away.

I dont think he necessarily has someone else. It may well be that he cant deal with the idea of being a full time stepfather to 5 children but loves the OP and playing happy families on his terms and is basically in denial about how it's not a permanent solution. Doesnt make him a bad person, necessarily.

However, OP, realistically, it's not a permanent solution and if you want more I think you need to have a conversation with him on this basis.