He doesn't want me in HIS world. Is this a fair relationship?

[pigtailplaits]

I'd be very very grateful of any opinions/comments - i'm finding it hard to look objectivly at things atm.

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 18mths, HOWEVER, there are complications:

I am a separated (divorce not complete yet) mum of 5 - he has never married or had children.

He lives some distance from me and I don't have a car. He can drive to me in 30 mins but it would take me abt 4hrs by public transport. So, I don't go to him as it would be a whole day of travelling and wouldn't actually get any time there. Also - I have no family around to help with childcare and can't afford a babysitter for whole days at a time.

The above transportation issue is, I think, really convenient for him ... as I think he has no desire for me to visit him in 'his world' I've made suggestions about trying to get together with his mates or maybe they could come to mine (i'd happily put them up if it was a late dinner party). But still, after 18 months i've not met a single person from his world (family/friends or other). He tells me plenty about what's going on in his life but I will never know if it's the full story or only half of it.

He'll come to me for the evening, we'll eat, chat, cuddle and it's all nice ... but he never spends the whole day with me. He has to go back to his world and touch base with his stuff. Even on my birthday (after saying we'd do something nice for the day) he was gone by lunchtime leaving me doing the chores :-(

I do appreciate the logistics are always going to be difficult for someone in my position - but if I am with someone I want to be as involved in their life as they are in mine. He did not want me to go with him to his fathers funeral last year (we'd been together a year at this point) and that was deeply upsetting. Especially as I know that if his ex had been here (she lives abroad) he would have taken her.

I sense I'm an embarrasment to him, and I don't think he wants to have to try and explain to his mates the whole 'she's got 5 kids but none of them are mine' thing.

I've been really relaxed about the whole thing up till now ... accepting that it is as it is. HOWEVER, now i am thinking - if he hasn't even told his best mate abt me (apparently his mate knows a woman exists but doesn't know any of the details), or introduced me to his mum ... then this really is not going anywhere.

I should mention - he has met both my parents on several occasions and some other friends/aquaintances and is great with the kids.

So he's happy to come into my world - but i'm not allowed into his.

Do you think I am right in thinking that this is going nowhere?

I love him and don't want to part company with him ... but i'm beginning to feel like a real fool for putting up with it.

thanks for reading, x

I think that as a mother of 5 children you are one hell of a lot of baggage for a single guy to take on. He may well be more than happy to but i guess his friends will make judgements. Maybe he just wants to enjoy being with you before he has to deal with the "are you sure you want to be doing this" conversations from his friends.

When you start a relationship when you have children you just have to take everything very slowly, for your own sake but also for your childrens.

If you are happy being with this man, though not this current situation, then sit him down and speak to him about your concerns.
Tell him that you want to be more involved in his life. It may be logistically difficult but if it is worth the effort he will.

I agree with you that people don't change so much, pigtail. After 18 months your relationship still doesn't include "his world" so I think it's safe to assume he wants it this way.

The question of fairness, or what he is hiding from you, is peripheral to the question of whether you're content with the way things are. You've started a thread about it, so the answer is probably No.

If he wanted to increaase intimacy between you, he would have made efforts to do so. When a person is in love, they want their loved one to know them fully & to become a part of their world. This isn't happeneing. So he's just not that into you ...

You might be able to force this change, but I think it'd be a mistake. From there onwards, you'd be in a relationship which is not of his choosing. If you're content with a fuckbuddy-type of thing, then you can doubtless carry on like this until he calls time on it. Your posts make me think, though, that you'd be "settling for" less than what you truly want. While you're with him, you're making yourself unavailable to potential partners whose life plans more closely match yours.

If this relationship has helped you learn to trust again, to rediscover your capacity for love and to have fun, then it's been worthwhile! Even more so, if it has helped you to find out what you really want.

I'd run honestly. Keeping you way from "his life" is a bad sign, whether there is a another woman or not.

To use the popular slang...he's just not that into you. Whatever the reason, be it there's someone else, or he is just a natural loner or all his friends and family are against single Mums or he is waiting for Ms Right to make his own family with.

The excuses are all just that excuses - if he had some doubts about getting more involved with someone with 5 children, it wouldn't stop him at least introducing you to a few people.

You are a shag buddy for this man. If you want a shag buddy, fine, if you want someone who would be happy to introduce you to his friends and family, get rid.

The least sinister explanation is he is deeply ashamed of the way that he lives and his family. The most sinister is that he's got an awful lot to hide. I have to say that I would not be letting a man spend time around my children when I hadn't even seen where and how he lives.

How did you meet by the way?