The Gift, Radio 4 documentary series

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

Anybody else listening to this? It's only being released weekly, I think. It's a series of at least three episodes looking at the life-changing discoveries some people have made as a result of uploading DNA to genealogy websites like Ancestry. Last week's was an eye-opener - it was about children conceived with the help of fertility clinics long ago and tracking down sperm donors. This week's is about a man trying to find out something about his father's family and getting a huge shock. It's thought-provoking stuff. As the intro to each episode says, without anybody really noticing it, far less regulating it, an enormous database of DNA has been created worldwide and the ramifications are enormous.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0gd2dgb

I came here specifically looking for a thread on this. I’ve just listened to the first three episodes.

Im just filled with upset and injustice and pain for Jessica. I know she declined to take part but I feel like the rest of the family have really minimised her pain. Clearly she has struggled immensely and vastly reduced contact with them but the way they have embraced Claire so wholeheartedly and the way they speak of her and talk of regret she wasn’t in their lives must feel so painful for Jessica. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have welcomed her- of course she was robbed of her childhood within the family but it feels like to me Jessica has had by far the worst outcome overall.

Did anyone else feel like this?

Oh sorry I only read the first half of the replies when I posted.

Quite glad others felt it too as I felt a massive sense of hurt and outrage for her when listening and like no one else was getting it!

I listened to the Jessica and Claire episodes today. So painful for Jessica but I really hope she can come to see that for 55 years, she had the best deal. And that her loving family upbringing has helped her to be the person she is now. Tony sounded lovely and, it seems, they were a family who supported and encouraged their kids. Hopefully, Jessica has benefited from that and can come back to the family one day. Must be so shocking and upsetting though.

I would hypothesise that Jessica is thinking - my only family are opening saying the swap was a horrible mistake and that means I (Jessica) am a horrible mistake in their eyes; and that they wished I had gone to my birth family and lived through a chaotic and deprived childhood. That may not be her family's intent but it's a pretty obvious subtext and they're dense if they can't see that. I really feel for her and would struggle myself in that situation. The episode with the Australian man in his 50s would discovered he was adopted without his birth mum's consent was similar - his relationship with adoptive parents was damaged and whilst he spent time with his birth mum they didn't really 'bond' (his words). Clearly he should have been told he was adopted, but 50 years ago that wasn't the norm and he'd have probably had a fair bit of stigma about it.
There's an interesting thread in AIBU about missing people who don't want to be found - apparently a chunk of people who are approached by programmes like Long Lost Family don't want to know, and I sympathise.
I enjoyed the presenter's mum's reaction to the 23 & me data breach -rightly asking what use your (limited) DNA info is to someone else, and having your credit card hacked would be way worse.

I agree I feel sorry for Jessica and quite angry with the mother and brother. The brother seems a mummy's boy. When he realised the mistake his first inclination was to tell his mother not his sister who was more affected by it. I agree that by going for lots of money they are saying what happened was awful ie having Jessica in their life was awful and by wishing Claire hadn't been brought up in poverty they are wishing Jessica had been. Jessica must feel forced out by a fairy changeling who wants to take her place in the family and now is always there at family gatherings. Claire seems to have no awareness of how her behaviour is impacting Jessica and that maybe she should step back a bit and not try so hard to be the " only daughter"

I think that's a pretty good summary. The Brother's and Mother's lack of empathy and understanding for Jessica was breathtaking.

I agree with all that's been said about Jessica. It broke my heart.

This episode, along with others, raised lots of questions about biological links versus life experiences. However, and it's a big however, I don't know how I would behave if I was placed in that exceptional situation.

However, and it's a big however, I don't know how I would behave if I was placed in that exceptional situation.

None of us can ever say how we will react when life-changing events occur I totally agree. It does seem though that the Mother and Son haven't reflected at all on how this woukd have affected Jessica.

Some adults do not have the ability to assess their actions though and alter their behaviour, I don't know if that's them or the Mum is enjoying the attention.

I thought the same, I kept exclaiming "you're such a dick" at the older brother narrating the story, especially, when he was complaining about her crying during the meeting "I was trying to have a meeting" - It's not his story! I was fuming for 'Jessica '

How hurt must she have been; that was her discovery to make and he should have gone to her first before the woman he matched with and before their mother imo. It should have been her choice at her own speed.

It really didn't happen to him and he needs to get over himself. Poor woman. I think it was quite irresponsible for the BBC to have made those episodes with him and not the woman how has lost her family.

I’m donor conceived and have a very different take on this.

It’s very common for donor conceived people to be rejected by biological family. The latter often close ranks if the biological parent is identified. This has happened to me and my “birth brother” (we have different fathers).

So maybe because of this I was happy for Claire. I did feel sorry for Jessica but much less than everyone on here. Obviously their situation is very different from mine but I really related to Claire’s delight in finding someone who looks like her. Discovering my father helped me to make sense of how I look and also my DC.

I think your situation is different though because you turning up as a donor conceived child aren't ousting any of the parent's other children, plus it was always intended that you would be brought up by different parents to the biological donor and many semen donors don't go in to the process thinking that any children produced by the process are "theirs". I couldn't think like this so could never be an egg donor unless it was for a close relative like my sister and the child conceived and everyone in the family knew from the start that I was the egg donor so no secrets.
Jessica in this story was ousted by her family, they didn't reject her but the comments about how sad they were that Claire was brought up by the "wrong" family imply they are sad Jessica was brought up by them and they all sounded over focussed on DNA and the nature aspect of parenting rather than the nurture aspect. The mother didn't mention going to visit Jessica and doing lovely things with her and the brother hardly mentioned Jessica.
Jessica seemed to have lost her place in the only family she had.

I'm with the consensus view on Jessica and Claire. For me it was the repeated statements by those in the family pleased by the change that it was a terrible shame that the life Claire should have had had been taken from her. That contains the very clear subtext that it was somehow "wrong" that Jessica had taken possession of this birth right.

I can see how the "happy group" responded to the situation in a way they thought was correct, and indeed they were righting an injustice, but, in hindsight, drawing Claire into the family as long lost daughter so quickly and so strongly was not the best thing to do.

I'm so glad that finding your Birth Father has helped you. I think it is very different to Jessica's situation though where they have essentially ousted a previously much loved DD and DSis.

Did you listen to the episode on Donor Conceived people? I think that one of the people that they had interviewed mentioned a support charity that she had set up?

Enjoying this series myself atm. Well the new series too. Heartbroken for Jessica! I wasn’t sure they should have made the series without Jessica’s blessing...

The ‘taboo’ episode was interesting but also very very sad.

@Newdevelopment
What was the "taboo" episode?
I listened to it a while ago.

Incest… more common than previously believed, according to the stats.

The incest one was heart breaking. The son was so gentle and thoughtful. I felt so sorry his mum doesn't want to make a connection, as he came across as just so lovely, and very respectful - though I understand she must have deep trauma.
Both the son and mother have missed out on their relationship.

An interesting listen, not at all sensationalised. Thought provoking around a taboo issue.

Oh yes...that episode was heartbreaking.
I think there was another one around incest in the first series. Brother and sister.

I listened to all of these , the one set in Canada was really sad

I've just listened to the Jessica and Claire episodes today. I knew I'd find a mn thread that saw it the way I did.

They were so utterly tactless towards Jessica. It's just so so upsetting. I think the 'new' daughter saying how upset she was that her mother's lost two baby daughter and then her own live daughter too was appalling. It's like Jessica didn't have any value or has been written out of history. I hope the compensation pays for good therapy. Poor woman. What a shitty 'brother' she has.

They were painting her as being in the wrong somehow in how she reacted. Totally lacking in empathy.

But then the nature v nurture is amazing.... Nature seems to win out. Claire, the brother and mother all seem cut from the same cloth.

It's a great series.
Agree on poor Jessica and her family failing to acknowledge that if things had been different they would never have known her.
The donor episode was interesting for me as my husband has donated sperm recently (we already have kids).

Series 2, episode 3. So shocking. Really wasn't expecting that story.

1000 sold babies. I remember watching a drama series from Australia along similar lines. Sobering to know that in Montreal, this went on for real - and it wasn't against the law (1940's/50's).

Glad the siblings found each other.

Really interesting series.

Yes, one of the most interesting series Radio 4 currently have running.

I watched the first Episode of Playing Nice last night and did wonder if the story was inspired by The Gift

Was it worth watching @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto ??