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Original poster

Toddlers and roof terraces

77 replies

MollFlounders · 13/07/2009 16:43

Hi, this could equally be an AIBU but I'd just like some views on the following. DH and I have lived for a few years in a lovely flat on a river. We have great views and a nice glass balcony over the river, 4 floors up. We now have DD, aged 9 months, and need more space and want to move. I really want to move into a house. Our balcony scares me (DD is already cruising). I know houses have their own dangers with stairs etc but I'd love our outdoor space to be a nice groundfloor garden where we can open up the back doors and let DD run around in the grass and keep an eye on her from the kitchen. DH thinks that moving into a house is letting our lives be dictated by a baby and that it would be fine if we found a similar flat to what we have now but with an extra bedroom and a roof terrace instead of a balcony. He says we'll simply supervise DD (and any other DC- he wants more than one) at all times and not let her onto the roof terrace alone. This worries me- even with just DD to look after, I don't think it's realistic. I guess we could gate off the roof terrace but it just seems to add an element of household risk that you don't have in a garden. Money isn't a problem- the flats he likes cost the same as the houses I like. We'd have to change areas (our current area is flats only) but our commutes wouldn't change (we walk to work).

What do you think? I know there are millions of people living in flats with kids. It's just that we're in the fortunate position of being able to buy a house. Or am I being a bit precious?

OP posts:

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/07/2009 10:13

Yes I think you are in counselling territory. Or at least he is as he appears to have failed to have made the adjustment to fatherhood. Do remember that this is not your fault and that the change will have to come from him. I'd be beyond exasperated in your shoes. I do hope he wakes up and realises how he's behaving.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 15/07/2009 10:41

My ex was very much the same after dd as born. Desperate to cling onto his previous life and after wantin 3 children was adamant there would be no more. We did go on to have ds when dd got to about 18 months he did see her growing up and changing and actually how rewarding that time had been without realising it at the time and it was him that suggested TTC again.
He did do a bit better 2nd child around but did still cling onto lot of his previous ways though he either didn't seem to realise how much my life changed having the dc's or he didn't care i'm still not sure which it was. In the end I was most annoyed at myself for allowing it to go on for as long as I did but at the time I was never sure how to enforce the changes.

nappyaddict · 15/07/2009 11:19

Since I read this I would be very scared of living somewhere with a balcony or roof terrace. You would have to gate it off and wouldn't be able to leave them unsupervised on it whilst you nipped in to get a drink or whatever.

Original poster

MollFlounders · 15/07/2009 16:54

Thanks saintlydame. DH has at least agreed we should see a counsellor now

Ineedacleaner - your experience is interesting to read about, thanks for posting.

Nappyaddict - I have been scouring the internet for stats on balcony falls. I sent a whole set of stories to DH this morning. He responded by sending me a link to some product that says it's "climb proof" here What stood out for me in the story you sent was the mum saying "I have no idea how he [18 month ds] got over the railings". The railings might be climb proof but I guess toddlers are fairly ingenious

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 15/07/2009 17:23

To be honest I'd have presumed railings to be "climb proof" anyway without that mesh thing. If you look at the railings it is covering on the picture I don't see how a toddler could climb over that, yet that little boy did. Unless he got through the gaps but I'd have thought they'd be too close together for that. In fact I think those flats don't have railings I think they have a brick wall type balcony iyswim.

PrincessToadstool · 15/07/2009 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DracoDormiensNunquamTitilandus · 15/07/2009 18:00

That netting says it's virtually climb-proof. not totally climb-proof.

Nappy, yes, the railings are climb-proof in themselves, it's the squeezing through you have to worry about. Which is what DS2 did. Through the railings and the edge of the safety netting

nappyaddict · 15/07/2009 18:02

He got through safety netting aswell was he badly hurt?

nappyaddict · 15/07/2009 18:03

If I had a pond I would put a mesh over it. Learning about pondlife is fun and educational.

Original poster

MollFlounders · 15/07/2009 18:03

Princess - I'm really sorry to hear about your mc. I am glad to hear though that there is a possible route through total knobdom. I was vaguely encouraged that DH was thinking about safety stuff, although am flummoxed by the way he seems to approach it like ticking a box - i.e. easy, we just buy some product and it will all be fine. The softer issues around why it would be nice for DD to have a garden that she could get muddy in, run around in, have swings in etc just don't seem to compute. If this was just about the balcony I guess we could sort it out, like you're kind of getting there with your pond.

OP posts:

DracoDormiensNunquamTitilandus · 15/07/2009 18:09

No, he wasn't hurt at all because I saw him and grabbed him.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 15/07/2009 18:13

Definitely a house with a garden, it's going to be more and more important as your dc(s) get older. Plus even if you can educate your offspring about safety on the roof, you will be on tenterhooks every time they have friends over.

PrincessToadstool · 15/07/2009 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 15/07/2009 18:18

Sorry hadn't read last page of posts

spicemonster · 15/07/2009 18:22

I think you sound like an eminently sensible woman Moll. And like I said ages ago I have got a few male friends who've been a bit like this after the birth of their first child but have eventually got with the programme. I'm sure your DH will too but it's just not that much fun for you waiting for him to get there. You are having a dialogue, he's agreed to counselling, it's all really positive. And you know that any counsellor is going to tell him he's being an arse about this. So hopefully that will give him the wake up call he needs.

I don't suppose he has any friends who have given their DINKY lifestyles over to kids and grime does he? A quiet word from one of them IME can do wonders.

nappyaddict · 15/07/2009 18:23

Draco was the mesh on the inside of the railings or the outside iyswim?

HeadFairy · 15/07/2009 18:26

spicemonster's right about if your dh has friends who've had children, my dh just didn't get it until his best friend had a son 6 months after us. At every stage, when he's whingeing about something or other (first it's how long it takes to bf, then it's having disturbed sleep, then it was how much mess a toddler makes etc etc) about 6 months later when his friend goes through exactly the same thing he realises it's not just our ds making his life hell on purpose, it's just that's what children do.

DracoDormiensNunquamTitilandus · 15/07/2009 19:47

Heavens, I don't know! It was 9 years ago and I really wasn't paying attention beyond grabbing my child. I've had 2 more children since then... my memory is shot.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/07/2009 20:06

I think with any product you still have to supervise and that is a pita. Why does he want to make his life harder?

bran · 15/07/2009 20:34

This thread has obviously moved much further on than just the flat/house issue, but I live in a riverside flat with a roof terrace and a glass sided balcony and I didn't want to move after children. I have a 5yo DS and an 18 mo DD. We are just very comfortable here and it's the first place that I've lived that I haven't started considering moving out of within 3 years of moving in.

The kids don't go out on the balcony as there is a gap between the the glass and the base of the balcony, it's not big enough for a child but it's plenty big enough for something lethal like a toy car to fall through. They do play on the terrace a lot, although I always supervise. Both the sitting room and the kitchen have double doors onto the terrace and if I need to go elsewhere in the flat out of sight I bring DD with me.

I think I would have considered moving if the housing stock wasn't so lacking in variety in this area. Houses are either small 2-storey dockers cottages with fairly large gardens but usually only 2 bedrooms and a downstairs bathroom or tall narrow 4 bed houses with 3 or four floors and often with the kitchen and sitting room on different floors.

We are possibly moving back to Ireland next year and will buy a house with a garden but I will really miss being up high and having a distant view in almost every direction.

Having said all that, this is what about what you want and it's no less important than what your DH wants. There are unusual, quirky and interesting houses and garden flats out there and it's a good time to be a buyer. I think your DH should learn to compromise.

Original poster

MollFlounders · 15/07/2009 22:42

Thanks again everyone and thanks Bran for your perspective.

Spice/HeadFairy - no he doesn't have many friends with kids at all. There's this one couple he always goes on about who often say that they don't let their lives revolve around their kids, but we don't see them all that much as they live in another country and basically they live in a nice big house in a village so I'm not sure what aspect of their life is so radically "non-DC". Problem is, he's so determined to be non-conformist that even if he did have lots of friends with kids he'd just deem them to be lacking in imagination if they've decided to build a family-friendly way of life.

Anyway, I've found a really excellent counsellor and we are booked in for next week. Sorry, this probably hasn't been much of a property thread after all but I did just want to get some perspective on whether what I thought about the desirability of a garden was OTT or not. Thank you all.

OP posts:

GrapefruitMoon · 16/07/2009 11:21

As you say this is about much more than the type of property you move to....

but if the property issue turns out to be the only sticking point, maybe the way to go is not to say you want a house because it would be better for your dd but to cite the other benefits of a house?

For me, I would be very loath to move back to an apartment because 1. I'd want a garden (for myself even if I didn't have dcs), 2. There is more of a risk of problem/noisy neighbours above or below in an apartment (esp if the building is full of trendy young things like your dh who still have a social life ), 3. It's easier to own the freehold in a house

I do think that if you want to live in a property that's a bit different it's not so easy to find a house that ticks all the boxes - but no impossible - wouldn't he like the challenge of renovating somewhere and putting his own stamp on it?

If you can afford to buy a house in a central area then it shouldn't feel like you are giving in and moving to suburbia. We live in the centre of a city and tbh I think our families thought we were mad when we moved here as there is no off street parking, and it is a neighbourhood that could be described as urban cool mixed. But we love being in the centre of things!

confusedperson · 26/05/2011 23:37

An old thread but very interesting atm. I live in a crapy old 2 bed house with a garden in a crapy area, and considering buying a newer 2 bed town house, detached, with a roof terrace (no garden) in a better area. Ds1 is 3yo and Ds2 is 6m. Which is the way to go?

confusedperson · 26/05/2011 23:41

p.s. We haven't used our garden much, mostly for hanging clothes. Ds1 wouldn't stay there on his own, it's mostly patio and I gave up growing veggies in pots long time ago!

iskra · 27/05/2011 08:51

Just read the whole thread without realising it's an oldie.

Any updates, Moll?

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