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Original poster

Toddlers and roof terraces

77 replies

MollFlounders · 13/07/2009 16:43

Hi, this could equally be an AIBU but I'd just like some views on the following. DH and I have lived for a few years in a lovely flat on a river. We have great views and a nice glass balcony over the river, 4 floors up. We now have DD, aged 9 months, and need more space and want to move. I really want to move into a house. Our balcony scares me (DD is already cruising). I know houses have their own dangers with stairs etc but I'd love our outdoor space to be a nice groundfloor garden where we can open up the back doors and let DD run around in the grass and keep an eye on her from the kitchen. DH thinks that moving into a house is letting our lives be dictated by a baby and that it would be fine if we found a similar flat to what we have now but with an extra bedroom and a roof terrace instead of a balcony. He says we'll simply supervise DD (and any other DC- he wants more than one) at all times and not let her onto the roof terrace alone. This worries me- even with just DD to look after, I don't think it's realistic. I guess we could gate off the roof terrace but it just seems to add an element of household risk that you don't have in a garden. Money isn't a problem- the flats he likes cost the same as the houses I like. We'd have to change areas (our current area is flats only) but our commutes wouldn't change (we walk to work).

What do you think? I know there are millions of people living in flats with kids. It's just that we're in the fortunate position of being able to buy a house. Or am I being a bit precious?

OP posts:

spicemonster · 13/07/2009 18:30

Even St John's Wood is zone 2

SoupDragon · 13/07/2009 18:35

No f-ing way would I have a balcony/roof terrace with a child.

when DS1 was 15 months old, he and I were on the balcony on holiday and I put a towel to dry over the edge, looked round and he was head, shoulders and one leg through a gap at the edge. 5 floors up. With so-called safety netting round the balcony. I have never let a child of mine on a balcony since.

poppy34 · 13/07/2009 18:36

Thanks headfairy- and moll you sound perfectly rational whereas your dh sounds bit unrealistic.

HeadFairy · 13/07/2009 18:36

Well there you go, according to his criteria you'll only ever be able to live in a house with a garden in Mayfair... does he have that kind of money?

Original poster

MollFlounders · 13/07/2009 19:59

Thanks SoupDragon. It's exactly that sort of scenario that terrifies me. DD has already worked out how to get a video out of the VCR and how to open the dishwasher while sitting in her highchair. What curious toddler could resist the allure of the balcony (especially one with ducks underneath it, like our current one) or the intrigue of what's on the other side of a roof terrace wall? But why, oh why, is it so hard to make DH see this??? He just doesn't get it. It's just so frustrating.

OP posts:

HerHonesty · 13/07/2009 21:08

has your husband spent a signficant amount of time with a two year old? if not, leave him with one for an afternoon and he will soon change his mind.

it sounds a tad selfish if you ask me. lets face it the "we will keep an eye on them" is actually "you will keep an eye on them"

Original poster

MollFlounders · 13/07/2009 22:42

HerHonesty - no, he really has no idea what's coming. Maybe he needs to take a look at the toddler section of our local soft play session, failing which I'll have to borrow one for him (a 2 year old, I mean). I do feel he's being a bit selfish. An apartment works best for him but not for me or DD. But his perspective is that I'm being one sided because all I'm doing is thinking about what's best for DD. But isn't that what a parent is supposed to do?? Aargh. I'm not sure how this one is going to be resolved.

OP posts:

HerHonesty · 14/07/2009 07:19

i think you really need to borrow a 2 year old. that will resolve it.poor you, i dont like confrontation!!

PrincessToadstool · 14/07/2009 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeaver · 14/07/2009 07:59

Sorry but your dh is being a twat of the first order.

Buy some interiors mags and find him some articles featuring hip, happening types living with their children in a house. Maybe that will change his mind.

Or do you know any other couples who fall under that description? Take him to their houses.

He sounds unbearably superficial and maybe he needs other people's validation. Which is a bit pathetic and not very respectful of you.

Sorry to be harsh.

squeaver · 14/07/2009 08:00

And, btw, how the hell have you coped for the last 9 months living four floors up? I presume you have a lift.

I know people who moved house on the basis of avoiding six steps to their front door with a pushchair!

Buda · 14/07/2009 08:10

Well obv he sounds a bit immature and selfish atm but do you think he is panicking a bit at the whole child/children thing? I think it can be quite common. Holding on to the trappings of his previous life i.e. sports car and apartment with river view from roof terrace seems as if he is a bit in denial as to what life is like with a child and, more to the point, the changes that that necessitates.

Of course your life changes when you have a child. Of course it is possible and easy to live in an apartment with a baby and even with a child if necessary. But if you can have a house with a garden and more space then why wouldn't you?

Having imagination that you can live in an apartment is one thing. We all have that. I can easily see myself in an apartment in the city here in Budapest. Popping out for coffee and experiencing all that the city has to offer in a way you don't when you live in the suburbs. DH could walk to work. But. We have a child. A child benefits from a garden. And if the child benefits so do the parents.

I do have a few friends with children here who live in apartments. Every one of them envies us our garden. They all say they end up forcing themselves to go out to occupy the children. And they all reckon that costs them a lot more money too.

Good luck!

saintlydamemrsturnip · 14/07/2009 08:21

We live in a house with a garden, balconies and roof terrace. We moved in when ds1 was 2 (he;s now 10), but would never have bought this house now as ds1 has turned out to be severely autistic so the roof terrace and balconies remain locked shut. The idea of him on the roof terrace terrifies me, although he does try to climb the wall up to the first floor balcony

A toddler/child benefits from swings/slides etc (don't mean they need all of them, but one or two outdoor toys of that sort can help) which I wouldn't put on a roof terrace.

Our garden is postage stamp sized, but really improves life.

He sounds like he's being a idiot.

HeadFairy · 14/07/2009 08:45

Moll, as you're in London do you want to borrow my ds for a day? He's totally crazy, constantly on the go and if there's a dangerous part of your flat, he'll find it

HerHonesty · 14/07/2009 09:28

ha ha headfairy, you could set up a business, you know "rentakid" for naive fathers...could be quite a moneyspinner..

a compromise might be a garden flat in the area you are in? my uncle lives in a fab flat in hampstead with a private garden that has a gate onto the most massive shared garden?

Original poster

MollFlounders · 14/07/2009 11:32

Thanks everyone. I feel a massive fight brewing on this one. He has been sitting pointedly out on the balcony all morning before going to work just to make the point about how wonderful it is. And it is, but it's so obviously not family friendly. He just doesn't get that. HeadFairy - "rentakid" sounds like the way to go. Squeaver - we do have a lift thank goodness, although it has broken down several times which has been a nightmare. DH is not superficial he's just very very inflexible. It's infuriating, especially we now have DD and in reality our lives do need to revolve around her needs at this stage of things

OP posts:

saintlydamemrsturnip · 14/07/2009 11:39

It's actually in his interest as well (and yours). OK Ds1 is a nightmare, but ds2 and ds3 are regular young boys (aged 7 and 4) and I would have to supervise them on a roof terrace or balcony. Children do things like climb on railings. Even very sensible ones (ds2 is very sensible, ds3 goes out of his way to do the opposite).

So if you have balconies and roof terraces then you have to supervise constantly even very sensible children. Now personally the constant supervision that ds1 requires is the most exhausting part of parenting him and I wouldn't go out of my way to make more work for myself. I'd much rather be sat down in a room drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper than wondering what my young child is doing near a roof terrace or balcony.

Yes I love out roof terrace and balcony and when ds1 leaves home and the other children have left or are older no doubt we will enjoy them, but so far we've had 6 years of them locked and probably have another 10 to go. (Even if we didn't have ds1 I think we'd still need to wait until ds3 was about 11 until he needed no supervision).

Your dh is in danger of cutting off his nose to spite his face. Show him my post (or an edited version) and tell him a roof terrace/balcony is fine providing he does ALL the supervision.

lalalonglegs · 14/07/2009 14:00

I have a roof terrace and three children. It's fine - kids play out there, shown no interest in climbing over the railings.

Original poster

MollFlounders · 14/07/2009 22:21

Well I guess it's time to move this thread to Relationships. We've had "the row" and some big themes came up. Including, "yeah I said I wanted 3 kids but that was before I knew what a f*cking hassle it would be" and "yes I do put my needs ahead of DD's" (to be fair, subsequently qualified by "provided some basic boxes are ticked for her"). It's amazing where you can end up in a discussion about balcony vs garden

OP posts:

PrincessToadstool · 15/07/2009 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/07/2009 07:43

Bloody hell. So he's having an immature strop because he's not the centre of the world anymore. And he'll dig his heels in over a balcony to prove a point. You poor thing - you already have two children. He needs to grow up and quickly.

spicemonster · 15/07/2009 07:51

I'm not entirely surprised but I'm really sorry that he's behaving like this. Turnip's right, he's behaving like a total child

HeadFairy · 15/07/2009 08:25

Moll, sorry this descended in to a fight... for what it's worth my dh has been through a similar phase (though admittedly not as extreme). I guess I should have known better but he'd lived on his own since he was 18, never done house shares etc, so he was pretty set in his ways and pretty selfish.

When we had ds it was a big shock to his system. We'd always said we wanted at least 2 children and after we had ds he completely put his feet down and said no more... he said ds had changed our lives too much and we can't do any of the things we used to do anymore etc etc. The usual crap to be honest.

It took me nearly a year of gentle persuading to get him to agree to another one (I'm now 16 weeks pg with #2) but I think it's something a lot of men go through, be it about having more children or giving up the trappings of their former life style.

I don't think there's any secret to how to make them see, a combination of gentle persuasion, leaving your dh with your dd to experience just how hard it is to keep any eye on an active toddler and sitting down and having a proper discussion where you both agree that each will listen to the other, and will not flounce in a huff. If all that fails then I'd be seriously considering my position, because someone who refuses to compromise for his family is someone who's going to be pretty hard to live with IMO.

squeaver · 15/07/2009 09:08

Oh dear Moll, so you've already got two children in your life - a baby and an overgrown teenager.

I'm afraid I don't have any practical solutions for you now because, you're right, this is much bigger than a balcony vs garden debate.

Do post something on relationships - you'll get some great support there and I'm sure there will be people who've been through the same thing.

Original poster

MollFlounders · 15/07/2009 10:10

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your messages. It suddenly feels like our problems have mushroomed into something big and ugly so quickly and I'm feeling pretty down. I think we are in counselling territory.

HeadFairy - it's encouraging to hear that you got through something similar (and congratulations on your pregnancy!).

You might see me on relationships soon...

OP posts:

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