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Original poster

Am I alone in regretting having moved last year and want to move back?

40 replies

wahwah1270 · 14/04/2009 11:34

Last spring when pregnant with dd we moved from zone 2 london to rural essex . whilst we areonly a commuter train ride from london i constantly pine for my normality - i was there for 17 years. DH and ihave discussed this and his view is that we could only do it in x years when i'm working again etc but i feel for my sanity i need to move back sooner, all my friends are in london . how can i convince dh we should move sooner than later.

OP posts:

TheSynOddOneOfWhitby · 14/04/2009 11:44

The rural idyll is a myth - even (especially) with a young family. I feel very isolated in my village - away from "culture" as well as F&F. Your soul will wither and die and you will become 'village'. Move back now and save yourself and years of bitterness towards your DH and friends as they continue to have a life.

BecauseImWorthIt · 14/04/2009 11:46

Why did you move in the first place? Has that reason changed?

Have you worked out how much it will cost you to move?

I think I'm probably with your DH that the cost of the exercise, whilst you're not working, is probably too high - although I appreciate I don't know your circumstances.

In the mean time, have you not made any new friends? With a little baby there are many avenues open to you to make new friends, if you really want to.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 11:54

No that happened to me and 5 years later I'd still move back tomorrow and get very down about it at times.

Our reason for the move has now gone but of course in that 5 years I've built our perfect lives and the kids are happy.
I would say move back now before the children start school if you can.

ABetaDad · 14/04/2009 11:58

wahwah - my wife felt the same. It took her 8 years to 'let go'. She still goes down to see friends and walk round the shops but lately has felt more detached and happier about leaving London.

Maybe you should do the same. Go down on your own to see old friends as and when you want to - but just as a break. Negotiate with DH and you will feel happier as will he. That way you enjoy where you live now and stil enjoy the bits of London you liked but without the dirt and mayhem. With a child the place feels an awful lot different and much more hostile and inconvenient. We lived in London with a baby for 1 year and then moved out. I was glad to go but loved it before DS1 came along.

TheSynOdd - I agree about rural idyll. I lived in the country until I was 20 and then moved to Oxford and then London. I never regretted leaving the countryside and always advise people who have lived in a town/city all their life to just go and rent for a while to see if they like rural life. Birds singing, fresh air, etc. is all very nice but not getting decent broadband, not being able to order a takeaway pizza or just popping out for pint of milk can weigh on the mind.

I also always suggest a compromise location of a mixed urban/country setting with a big Cathedral City and a good rail link to London just a few miles away.

No one ever listens to me though - they just have their eyes set on the idyll.

GypsyMoth · 14/04/2009 11:59

Yes, move back. I also regret moving from London to a village. I mistakenly thought it would be great for DC to grow up in country, like I did!!

Regret,regret,regret!!!!

noddyholder · 14/04/2009 12:03

Move back while you can.Eventually your life will become there as your kids build a network etc etc.I would go back to London tomorrow but have a 14 yr old who would flip and dp also loves where we live now.But I haven't given up on a dream of living in a groovy london apartment in my 50s!

ruty · 14/04/2009 12:05

if you are happier to move back somewhere smaller then do it. But bear in mind it takes time to settle into a community - when we moved out of London we moved to a suburb of another, smaller city, and it took me at least 2 years to get to know people. Don't know how you can persuade Dh unless you stress how unhappy you are, if you're not prepared to give it any more time.

lalalonglegs · 14/04/2009 12:14

Think carefully about moving back - I completely understand not feeling happy in the area you are in (same thing happened to me) but will a move back solve everything? Are your friends all going to be staying there? Are there going to be good schools for your daughter in a few years' time? Will you be able to afford/practically manage to do the things that you used to when you lived there and were childless? Maybe this is more about missing your childfree life than missing the area

noddyholder · 14/04/2009 12:16

I thought that too lala but my friends in London are still living a much more exciting life with kids there than most people I know here although Brighton is pretty groovy and close to london but just not the same 'feel'

TheOddOne · 14/04/2009 12:20

I see your point lala but having your first baby is a big enough change in itself without the added side of being away from the life you know.

How many relocation type programmes have resulted in the DH having his carrer and chums still in the big city (and sometimes a crash pad ) while wifey makes jam and brings up the kids stuck in the middle of nowhere? It doesn't suit everyone.

ickletickle · 14/04/2009 13:41

likewise i pine for london life but when i go back i realise the "exciting" life that they lead is little more than a better choice of coffee shops!!

would you consider going back to work earlier in order to move back?

raggedtrouseredphilanthropist · 14/04/2009 13:46

I moved from the city (not london) to a village 6 years ago, and hated it. We moved for xh's job, and I ended up resenting all the time he spent there. Now we have split up, and I have moved back and LOVE IT!!! I feel like I have come home, it is so natural to me. Agree with Abetadad- things like not being able to order a takeaway/ pop out for a pint of milk (or beer even) really brought me down. It really isnt for everyone...
Not that helpful, but i love being back so much, I have to tell everyone all the time

Pollyanna · 14/04/2009 14:02

I agree with noddy, move back now before you have schools to think about. I moved out of London 2.5 years ago and want to live there still. I can't move back either though because children are all settled in school and we can't afford it

noddyholder · 14/04/2009 14:20

God pollyanna I am still moaning about london too!

ellingwoman · 14/04/2009 14:23

Are you very rural? I can imagine that being very isolating. Small towns are better but you need to give them a chance. Where are you (roughly)?

basementbear · 14/04/2009 14:36

Think carefully before you move back - we live very centrally and it has been great while the kids were little, loads to do - museums, parks, easy to get around etc, and their state primary school is excellent. But, the secondary schools are diabolical and I can't wait to escape to the country! I'll move back to London as soon as they have left home . I agree with BetaDad, keep your London friends and visit whenever you can.

Original poster

wahwah1270 · 14/04/2009 18:29

thanks all for the advice, i will continue to diuscuss with dh , he is from the country so thought rural life ideal for a child. I do go "up to town" every few weeks for the day - but that also makes me resent having to get a train back to the country rather than the number x bus or tube to home. We live in a very pretty village (a few miles north of chelmsford) but i do find most of the mums here adore the place and that doesnt help iyswim. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

wahwah1270 · 14/04/2009 18:30

plus re working (in the City) I'm not comfortable about combining commute plus 10 hour day plus baby so that seems very either we stay here or i resume my career.

OP posts:

overthemill · 14/04/2009 18:34

i have a good idea of the sort of place you are in. all i can say is that i moved from the big city and took me a long time to feel at home. i reckon the critical time is when you find some nice mums through the preschool - it does take ages to settle. it is worth it though. good luck

Pollyanna · 14/04/2009 19:00

I agree wahwah, I was fine about moving out until I got a job in London. I really resent the commute now.

lovetoloveyoubaby · 14/04/2009 20:38

wahwah we did and moving back! here's a recent "interesting thread
here"

hatesponge · 14/04/2009 20:58

I think it depends on your reasons for moving in the first place, and whether or not they are still valid or there are other compromises to be made...I moved from the area I grew up in (& where a lot of my friends still lived) several years ago to live closer to my then partner's family. We looked at moving to various areas, but in the end I gave into him saying he wanted to be near family (I dont have any family other than DCs so felt he should come first...) anyway fast forward a few years, none of his family ever visited us despite only living a couple of miles away, & in essence it made no difference than when we lived a lot further afield. Hence now we have split up I'm planning on moving back 'home' again.

one thing i would say you should think very carefully about is schools, particularly secondary. it comes round a lot quicker than you expect, and chelmsford has 2 of the best grammars in the country, plus the other non-grammar schools are very good as well (this isnt always the case in grammar areas)

I'd be loathe to move away from there for that reason alone if I was you, but then I'm a girl of the suburbs & must have spent the equivalent of several years of my working life commuting!

ickletickle · 15/04/2009 08:57

ref mums who adore the place, you will probably find as you build closer relationships that there are a fair few with the same feelings as you!

goldenpeach · 16/04/2009 14:04

I moved from London to Rugby last summer. I'm just glad we rented because we now fancy to live in Oxford. All my friends are in London so I went to a party once and walked around my area and realised I had moved for the right reason. London is way too busy and has changed so much since I gave birth it's not as entincing as it was (I lived in London from 1994 till 2007). I agree with abetadad, find a smaller city to live in with lots going on. However, one thing that 'saved' me was to volunteer here in Rugby. I have met lots of people through the nct and I volunteer as breastfeeding helper too. But, yes, Rugby is too quiet for me and work opportunities in my field are limited, so we will relocate. DP and I are missing the international flavour, so Oxford will do nicely.

goldenpeach · 16/04/2009 14:05

Oh, I forgot to say, prices in East London have totally crashed, so for us it'd be cheaper to move back there, but we don't want to.

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