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Original poster

Estate agents and overblown prose, post your examples here

26 replies

WideWebWitch · 27/09/2008 05:38

I can't sleep so am browsing Primelocation, as is my wont, and goodness, there are some terrible descriptions out there. I realise it's so early I'll proably be talking to myself on this thread but never mind!

Here's my first example:

"an elegant but discreet and understated external appearance cloaks a sumptuous, stylish and fascinating interior that is full of light with impressively proportioned principal rooms; lavish contemporary appointments and comforts are tastefully combined with abundant period features which include lovely fireplaces, high ceilings with cornices and friezes, tessellated floors, beautiful stained glass, working shutters and big sash windows. Favoured location" etc etc etc

OP posts:
yousaidit · 27/09/2008 06:21

When we were selling our lovely little one up one down in a scraggy area ( which we're pretty much still in !) our very little garden had a gnarly wonky diddy apple tree which did produce apples: one estate agent looked out of the window and said ' Ooh, it's a shame you didn't have another apple tree, if there was more than one i could sell that as an orchard' ???? We didn't use them: their neighing horses and ten gallon hats put us off

Pushpinia · 27/09/2008 06:30

Lmao!!!

My letting agent was graphically honest with me.
He is one of these geezers with a suit and a ferrari or some such nonsense and gives the impression of being a yuppy git, frankly. but his property description went against the grain.

'Well...' he said, grimly...'it's only just come on...I've had a few people interested...yeah it's big, but it needs work. It's got a huge living room. But a horrible kitchen, and just a horrible bathroom and put it this way, it hasn't seen any improvement since 1984'.

He was absolutely right! It didn't put me off, quite the reverse...and after some doing up we now have a gorgeous cheap flat in a leafy posh street which just needed some new floors and a lick of paint

So they're not all bad! I think he knew the phrase 'wallpaper hanging off' would give me an orgasm. He must have dealt with my kind before....

southutsire · 27/09/2008 12:01

Not really overblown prose but my favourite phrase is 'deceptively spacious'. Do they think when we look around we'll just think "Well, it must be bigger because the EA says so - we're just deceived by the fact that when we stretch out our arms we can touch all the walls.'

My big tip is to count exclamation marks - the more of those, the worse the place is going to be...

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 27/09/2008 13:51

lol at these.

I also HATE 'this rarely available village'

OP posts:
noddyholder · 27/09/2008 13:54

'rarely available' with 5 others for sale in teh street

ellingwoman · 27/09/2008 13:55

'3rd reception room' is my pet hate when it is a 5 x 5 downstairs room only fit for a small study or large cupboard

platypussy · 27/09/2008 14:09

I hate it when they say 3/4 bedrooms. Is it 3 OR 4????

One local agent says 'warmed' by gas central heating (or whatever). Dont really know why this gets my hackles up!

An agent once advertised a friends house as a semi. It was an end of terrace - are they really allowed to say they are semis?

Pictures of the properties in our local free paper - usually half of the adjoining house is included as well to give the impression of a larger property.

Also in local free paper - an agent who will only give the name of estate in which house is situated - not the exact street. I want to know exactly where it is.

platypussy · 27/09/2008 14:11

EW - I agree about small rooms being described like that. A house near to me was described as 5 bedrooms but two of them were no bigger than cupboards. Would have made a decent 3 bed house!

Lizzylou · 27/09/2008 14:13

There is an upmarket estate agency round here, which is hilarious. They have snippets from the current owners, which are priceless.

Here

Can't get into the properties from this computer (work), but it is worth the effort!

critterjitter · 27/09/2008 18:22

Pushpinia

I can outdo you on that one!

Spoke to an agent today who described a house as follows:

"I'll warn you now right, it stinks of dogs, you'll clock it as soon as you get through the door. Right, nothing's been done to the house for years. Basically, just think of the house as having double glazing, and that's it.."

Pushpinia · 27/09/2008 18:58

Brilliant

Did you like it in the end? I wonder if sometimes they put a place down just so you'll think it ain't too bad when you see it...reverse psych or something!

critterjitter · 27/09/2008 19:32

Off to see it on Monday night, Pushpinia. Couldn't resist a challenge like that! I will take my mask!

Saw one today that had been kitted out to look like a pub throughout! The owner was avidly telling me about her 'journey' in life and how her house reflected that. [grin} There was also a very strong whiff of cow manure coming through the windows (that she'd put on her gardens) that was making me feel really queasy. DD kept pulling on me and whining: "Can we go now, please can we go now? It stinks in here!"

I was desperately trying to cover up what she'd said in front of this woman: "Oh no, DD, that's the smell of my jumper. Didn't you realise?" and trying to stand in front of her. But DD kept saying: "No its not mummy, its a really horrible smell. Its just horrible, I want to go!"

Don't ya love 'em?

othersideofthefence · 27/09/2008 20:50

I like 'early viewing essential'

It does lose impact when you know the property has been on the market since 2006.

catweazle · 27/09/2008 20:59

I've seen a lot of that advertising an end of terrace as a semi. Also the 3/4 bedrooms.. next door converted their garage into a room and the agent advertised it as a 4 bed house. No it's a 3 bed with an extra room downstairs.

We moved from a housing estate that was built as 2 separate estates. The houses in the newer half had cloakrooms and the estate is more desirable. Estate agents always advertise houses in the older part under the name of the other (usually with "sought after" before it). It drives me mad.

Fizzylemonade · 28/09/2008 20:08

Top tip for critterjitter forewarned is forearmed, stick some vicks under your nose before you go to view that house

Have gagged in the past at overpowering dog smell.

I love anything described as "delightful" I have yet to view a house that "delights" me I just see all the work that needs to be done.

Oh and "previously on the market at £XX" which means it was over-priced, NOT that you are getting a bargain. Do they think we are stupid?????

FuriousGeorge · 28/09/2008 22:50

I particularly like 'must be viewed',as if you'd buy a house you hadn't seen.Seeing dormer windows described as 'dorma' gets my goat too.I want to shake them & scream 'Dorma make bedding,you imbecile!'

onceinalifetime · 28/09/2008 22:56

This agent always has very amusing write ups - he must have a dictionary of superlatives.

www.woosterstock.co.uk/Property.php

For example:

"Approach the fantastic facade through a beautifully laid out garden with paving and high gates. A classic portico invites you into a wonderful hallway with high ceilings, picture and dado rails and original ornate cornicing. The double reception sits to the right with two striking fireplaces to welcome and warm you. Two matching chandeliers provide a proper snazzy feeling with yet more divine cornicing circling overhead."

rubyloopy · 29/09/2008 12:20

Message withdrawn

wombleprincess · 29/09/2008 13:35

we once but a house which was a complete wreck where they had described the bathroom as a "wetroom" it was actually a disabled bathroom where you can wheel yourself into the shower and had a massive drain in the middle of it!

Fimbo · 29/09/2008 13:38

I saw one on Friday

"the outside pool is ideal for those who like to bathe outdoors in the cold winter months"

{hmm]

Charlee · 29/09/2008 13:40

Lol the house we used to live in was private rented, when we moved out i had a sneakl look on the website to see the description it was hilarous!

'a lovley, cosey breakfast room' was actually a tiny 2 seater table suck in the corner of the kitchen!

'a jaunty, authentic, loft room (wtf?) was actually an illegal loft conversion that was a hazard to be in.

'A proper country garden' rat holes - everyhwere, cows literally a fence away so the place constantly stunk like sh*t, plus you had to don moutain climbing boots to get across all the hills and bumps.

It really was a sh*thole but the description made it sound so good i may have re rented it myself.

Cloudhopper · 29/09/2008 13:44

Not quite what the OP refers to but the expression 'ever popular' in my experience means 'no-go area'. I mean, who are they trying to kid?

FOr example, this 'ever popular {insert local name} estate'

I once saw the expression 'offof the brighton road' printed in a local paper.

Cloudhopper · 29/09/2008 13:45

er

I meant I am not sure if this example fits what you meant.

I blame the teletubbies nursery rhymes which is blaring away in teh background for dd who is 'ill'

onceinalifetime · 29/09/2008 13:46

Annoys me when they can't spell either - often see 'sort after location'

southutsire · 29/09/2008 19:24

"Fantastic investment property"

i.e. "You wouldn't want to live there yourself but who knows, maybe you could persuade someone else to?"