Where to live? The grandparent problem

[NewpyMum]

We currently live in a flat in south London and are looking at locations to move to buy a house.

Currently, our parents see their grandchildren every week travelling just under two hours from the south coast. We love that they get this time with them and it’s a big factor we are considering in the move.

So option 1 is that we move to the south coast to a decent sized house that’s really close (walking or short drive away) to the grandparents.

Option 2 is to move north of London where we could afford a much bigger house and garden potentially with an annexe too for the same budget. This would mean we would likely see our parents less frequently as they’d be a 3-4 hour+ drive away but they could stay over when they did come.

Really we are tossing up value for money in a property or a smaller property but close to grandparents.

We don’t need to factor in jobs or schools as we can work remotely and are going to home educate (currently have a 3 year old and 1 year old).

Would love to hear your thoughts on what you think we should do.

Do the grandparents have other relatives (younger than them) nearby who will be able to support them as they get older? If not I would really advise not moving further away from them (unless the plan is for them to move into the annex at some point).

It's not nice to think about but even the most fit, active, independent minded people are likely to need support at some point as they get older and juggling children and supporting parents is hard anyway but even harder with a bigger distance.

I speak from experience - one set of our parents were 2 hours away and the other further.
My in laws went pretty much overnight from a very active lifestyle, driving two hours to see us, lots of holidays etc to suddenly really struggling when my father in law lost his vision and couldn't drive, while needing lots of hospital appointments quite far away.

Without a crystal ball there is no way of knowing when some help might be needed.
Perhaps have a quick glance through the 'elderly parents' board to see the sorts of challenges that arise with juggling children, job and elderly parents.

But maybe you've got a big extended family near them in which case this might be a less relevant consideration, except that the journey may get harder for them over the next ten years or so and you might find yourself needing to do a lot of travelling with the children in order to visit them instead.

I hope you find the right option for your circumstances..

Previous poster has said it all I think.

DP’s parents are just under two hours from us. His brother has moved and is over three hours away now (and that’s on a good run across the M25). No doubt we’ll be the ones on call, and even two hours can be a bit of a trek if something is needed ASAP.

Its easy to think you’ll get more quality time for longer if they stay, but practically it’s hassle going somewhere for a few days, packing up etc. much better to see the GC for tea twice a week every week, I’d say. My mum is 15 mins away (she moved near me).

Could you move south of London rather than north? Agree that you need to think about being in the sandwich generation and having to care for both your children and parents, not just thinking of visits as a fun time to spend together, but being on duty for hospital visits and sorting out administrative issues.

I'm not sure I'd choose to move to the south coast if the only reason is to be near parents - you'd be moving away from lots of enrichment opportunities for dcs in London, which must be particularly important for home ed. It would depend specifically on where on the south coast - some areas are socially deprived and are quiet in low season.

Thank you for the time to reply. My brother in law and his family are very settled in London and my siblings all live at home still so there’s definitely people around but it’s good to consider.

Thank you!

We moved away from grandparents when our DC were young. It worked out fine when grandparents were still fit and before the DC became teenagers. In the long run it became tiring having to host older parents for a overnight stays over several nights to make their journey worthwhile.

The grandparents did less with the teenagers than they did young children and we'd find ourselves juggling the needs of both and not having much we could do outside the house. The grandparents who used to play on the floor with young children and take them out for the day got older and became people who came to our house and sat around reading the papers. I'm most envious of people who can just pop in to see their parents or invite their parents over for Sunday dinner then drive them home. Also envious of people who live near enough to family that they can help out when there's a mini crisis or you just need a teenager picking up from somewhere because both of them are somewhere at the same time and you and DH have work things going on. Don't underestimate how much easier life is for all if you live closer to your family (provided you get along 😄)

We Are at a different stage in life, but considering a move to the south coast from south London. We will not do that while PIL are still alive. They are couple of hours north of London and the journey is already a nightmare. And it’s always us who have to go and visit. First they stop driving, then they can’t cope with public transport etc.

You need to decide what works for you but consider the wider picture too. I’ve always thought of n London as being more expensive than s London. I’m sure you could find somewhere in s London to suit your budget?

Saying that - I did think my parents were going to move close to us when they retired. My mum would have but my dad then decided against it.

My parents were 2.5 hours drive from me probably same on train if you include getting to and from station. My in laws 1 hour. One hour you can go for the day which helps.
When my mum was ill I really struggled to get down and see her. I was working flat out as a GP during COVID and getting cover was a nightmare. Yes I could have just gone but then the complaints came in. Had she been local I could have done a lot more. I see my dad monthly or at least my brother does one month and me the next. My dad is tired and his memory is starting to go due to medication to control his epilepsy. Staying over is a huge committment. I wish he was down the road so I could pop in several times a week.
My in-laws are both dead now. FIL last month so we are having to deal with his house and arrange for people to go in and clear the place and do it up sufficient to go on the market but it will be spring next year before this happens so we are still responsible for them and there is no other family who help. We tend to go for a couple of nights and work hard whilst we are there. So move nearer them is the answer now but would have been different 20 years ago.

I am very torn so didn’t vote. Looking ahead, how do you know home education will work for you? Also are the grandparents very elderly, hate to say that. Coukd they possibly move away?

I agree with previous poster that having family stay overnight cos it’s a long way is very tiring for everyone. To me 1hour away seems a better option, so visitors can go home, I love it that my grown up children are 35mins away and don’t need to stay the night when they visit,

South coast or you’ll have a lot of travelling once they get too old to care for themselves.

This. It comes around surprisingly quickly. My parents are 30 minutes away, FIL is three hours away. You can guess which is harder. And it is very hard.

Your children are very young to make a firm decision on home ed for them. Nothing against home ed but it doesn't suit everyone, so I would give schooling some consideration when making your choice, so you have a back up plan.

I moved back to the South East which made a significant difference to the house size I could afford. But over the last 27 years since I did, I've never regretted being close to family.

When my DPs were healthy it was lovely being able to pop in or host Sunday lunch and they'd go home. My dd had a fabulous relationship with them.
Then as they aged and health declined we were able to support and deal with that without trekking across country. That really mattered to me and I'm so glad I was here not a 3 hour drive away.

I can't advise you, OP I can only give my experience.

What will you do if either of your dc want to go to school? I think she should still factor schools into your decisions.

I live walking distance to my in-laws and have an annex where my parents (several hours drive/train away) can stay. I would 100 per cent choose walking distance over the annex every day of the week.

South coast, near them. No question.

You have very involved grandparents, which is worth its weight in gold. I wouldn't be moving further away from that support system. In your shoes I would be moving to a nice area closer to them.

Don’t consider grandparents in this. We did and moved nearer to them and then they stopped wanting to be regular visitors anymore! Decided once they were retired they wanted to spend their time on things they wanted to do which obviously didn’t include their daughter and grandchildren anymore! Wasted money and years buying somewhere we regretted after this and took years to get back to the original plan

I’m a fully qualified and very experienced primary school teacher and now run my own edtech so I’m fully confident in home education!

Thanks for all the posts and your thoughts. A lot of comments on considering when our parents become older. At the moment they range from 58-66 between all four of them. We aren’t necessarily looking for a forever home so we would be happy to move now and then if, in 8-10 years time the situation was different then we would be happy to move again closer to grandparents who now needed more help.

I think this is the worst of all solutions really because houses between London and the coast are all v expensive too (Tunbridge wells, Sevenoaks etc.) so we wouldn’t benefit from the value but we would still be a 40 minute drive away.

If it’s going to be a drive away then surely better to go up to Norfolk, Northampton, Nottinghamshire even where we can get almost double the size property for our money or be in the same town for easy access to grandparents

I would choose based on the way of life you would like. Bringing up children on the south coast is likely to have very different opportunities than in London. I personally love living where the is more space and quietness and love outdoor activities so wouldn't choose London - it depends on how you and your family want to live! Also, friends who home school really value the home schooling community around then, so worth checking up on whether there is a good community in the area.

My children are nearly all adults. If I had my time again, I would move nearer to my parents when my children were little. We can't know what is coming to us in life, unimaginable things really, and having family close by is a gift I wouldn't ignore....if your relationships with them are good! We are planning on moving nearer to our son in the next couple of years because we want to be present to support him and his wife. We don't want to be a couple of hours away. My family are an hour and forty minutes away....it's too far

Move closer. My parents stay for months at a time, it's very, very hard work and we have a huge house and annex. Except they don't want to stay in annex.....