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Original poster

Where to live? The grandparent problem

51 replies

NewpyMum · 18/09/2025 11:13

We currently live in a flat in south London and are looking at locations to move to buy a house.

Currently, our parents see their grandchildren every week travelling just under two hours from the south coast. We love that they get this time with them and it’s a big factor we are considering in the move.

So option 1 is that we move to the south coast to a decent sized house that’s really close (walking or short drive away) to the grandparents.

Option 2 is to move north of London where we could afford a much bigger house and garden potentially with an annexe too for the same budget. This would mean we would likely see our parents less frequently as they’d be a 3-4 hour+ drive away but they could stay over when they did come.

Really we are tossing up value for money in a property or a smaller property but close to grandparents.

We don’t need to factor in jobs or schools as we can work remotely and are going to home educate (currently have a 3 year old and 1 year old).

Would love to hear your thoughts on what you think we should do.

OP posts:
JDM625 · 18/09/2025 16:40

Am I correct that both sets of parents live near each other on the Sth Coast? So your parents and DH's? Do you ever stay at their houses?

A cousin had a vaguely similar scenario. They lived in London with parents on the St Coast. When they had their 1st child, they moved to to within 45min of the parents and often used to stay at the parents house overnight.

I asked why she hadn't moved closer, but cousin said it was lovely to stay at the parents like a mini holiday! Parents had a much bigger house and loved seeing the children when they were little. They were close enough to provide help when parents needed it, yet far enough that it wasn't a trek for hours on end.

The parents decided to downside and moved 2hrs away! Something my cousin had never considered and always thought they'd stay in the same town they'd always lived in. Sadly, within 6mths of the downsize, 1 parent died suddenly. My cousin was then trekking back and forth on 4hr round trips to help. Things have settled, but cousin is worried if/when the remaining parent can no longer drive and needs more support.

I don't have the answer I'm afraid. For me, I'd want to be closish, but certainly not walkable to my in laws or within a few min drive. BUT, I don't have children so not a factor for me.

Kwamitiki · 18/09/2025 17:08

We had a similar conundrum. In-laws were in a thriving market town 1.5 hrs from where we were; my parents were 30 mins away, and never came.

No chance would we move to my hometown, but we ended up moving to where inlaws were after 20 years in London. Ended up around the corner from ILs, and it has been a total godsend as things have become a LOT busier.

choccychipcookies1988 · 18/09/2025 23:11

If you don’t have a strong pull or reason for north of London other than the space then definitly move to near your parents! The relationship with your dc will be invaluable

Lollipop2025 · 19/09/2025 14:25

I would move closer to GP only if its actually some where you could see yourselves living. I love the idea of having GPs nearby but both of our parents live in our home town which is deprived and not some where I would want to live. We are an hour away and we see them as much as we can, of course it would have been nice if the children could pop over to nanny's for dinner one day a week but not nice enough for us to impact our overall day to day.
Maybe take the parents out of the mix and truly think about where you want to be and what you see your children growing up around.
Good luck its a tough decision but don't move somewhere jusy for other people's happiness.

GiveDogBone · 19/09/2025 18:57

How much north of London are you talking about and why can’t you find a similar house south of London? I mean there’s many places south of London that would office similar value as north of London (depending on how far you are talking about)

llizzie · 19/09/2025 19:03

NewpyMum · 18/09/2025 11:13

We currently live in a flat in south London and are looking at locations to move to buy a house.

Currently, our parents see their grandchildren every week travelling just under two hours from the south coast. We love that they get this time with them and it’s a big factor we are considering in the move.

So option 1 is that we move to the south coast to a decent sized house that’s really close (walking or short drive away) to the grandparents.

Option 2 is to move north of London where we could afford a much bigger house and garden potentially with an annexe too for the same budget. This would mean we would likely see our parents less frequently as they’d be a 3-4 hour+ drive away but they could stay over when they did come.

Really we are tossing up value for money in a property or a smaller property but close to grandparents.

We don’t need to factor in jobs or schools as we can work remotely and are going to home educate (currently have a 3 year old and 1 year old).

Would love to hear your thoughts on what you think we should do.

What sort of message will you be sending the grandparents if you move further away from them, when they have given so much time and effort to stay in touch?

Moving to the coast would help them - and you. I cannot imagine that the air north of London is cleaner than the air on the coast, and that is something more important than the size of a house.

Healthy and safety wise, I would move to the coast.

girlwhowearsglasses · 19/09/2025 19:06

NewpyMum · 18/09/2025 14:37

I think this is the worst of all solutions really because houses between London and the coast are all v expensive too (Tunbridge wells, Sevenoaks etc.) so we wouldn’t benefit from the value but we would still be a 40 minute drive away.

If it’s going to be a drive away then surely better to go up to Norfolk, Northampton, Nottinghamshire even where we can get almost double the size property for our money or be in the same town for easy access to grandparents

Show quote history

Not necessarily. T Wellsnis comparable to London but within an hour of London on the train there are plenty of MUCH cheaper options. Are they Brighton or nearby, Hastings or nearby, Folkestone or nearby

Calloja23 · 19/09/2025 19:13

l Truly, wouldn’t want to live anywhere near London, neither north or south.

Having done this, I then moved to the south West coast where I have lived for over 40 years and where my children and grandchildren have grown up. It’s a slower pace of life, more community spirited and a lot safer. One set of grandparents lived in the same town and the other set the other side of London. It was a palaver when the other set of grandparents came to stay as it was generally a long weekend and not enough time to cram everything in. For myself, it was the right decision and I wish you good luck in whatever you choose to do..

Elle771 · 19/09/2025 19:18

NewpyMum · 18/09/2025 14:34

Thanks for all the posts and your thoughts. A lot of comments on considering when our parents become older. At the moment they range from 58-66 between all four of them. We aren’t necessarily looking for a forever home so we would be happy to move now and then if, in 8-10 years time the situation was different then we would be happy to move again closer to grandparents who now needed more help.

If you're going to do it anyway in 8-10yrs then do it now... uprooting teenagers will be harder than toddlers

MyElatedUmberFinch · 19/09/2025 19:20

Big house on the south coast.

Violinist64 · 19/09/2025 19:31

I would move nearer to the grandparents, personally. It would benefit all of you, especially the children and their grandparents as they build a relationship together. If you are homeschooling, living at the coast offers many opportunities. Your other options would make life harder for family visits and, of these, Norwich would be the worst choice. It is a beautiful city, my nenhome city, but it is a very long way from the south coast and you don't want to spend five or six hours in the car each time you visit your family. There are a lot of really nice parts on the south coast and you won't need such a big house if you live near your parents

deeahgwitch · 19/09/2025 20:43

Off the point of the thread but I’m interested in your choice of home schooling @NewpyMumYou write “…..as a fully qualified and very experienced primary school teacher ….”
Why do you prefer it for your children ?

Doingmybest12 · 20/09/2025 08:04

I would say that unless you are really set on London ,then move somewhere that is more practical with family. You can always travel in to London for day trips etc.

Original poster
NewpyMum · 20/09/2025 11:06

deeahgwitch · 19/09/2025 20:43

Off the point of the thread but I’m interested in your choice of home schooling @NewpyMumYou write “…..as a fully qualified and very experienced primary school teacher ….”
Why do you prefer it for your children ?

But of spiel off topic but in answer to your question: I’ve been in schools for many years now as a teacher and wider curriculum leader and I know inside out the failures within our education system. Unfortunately education needs a radical shift to be able to provide what it ought to for our children and so many get missed in class, whilst government policy and ofsted inspections drive for outcomes which we know don’t match with children’s developmental needs. I am genuinely so passionate about education but having been in the thick of it in a wide range of settings from small village schools to multi academy trusts and all in between, I know that I could provide so much better than any school could. I am obviously very fortunate that I have the knowledge required of the curriculum that I can deliver age appropriate lessons tailored for our needs which not all parents have available to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewpyMum · 20/09/2025 11:07

thank you all for your feedback. Given us lots to consider about our moving plans!

OP posts:
PrimeTimeNow · 20/09/2025 11:11

100% move near your lovely parents. It will be immensely beneficial for both you and for your children. Also, as they age and may need a little support, you won’t have a hideously long round trip.
And how wonderful to have all that fresh air and space.

Absolutely, definitely, move to the south coast.

menopausalmare · 20/09/2025 11:13

Our grandparents live locally and it works both ways. They helped us with babysitting and visits when the children were younger and now we can get to the hospital quickly when granny has had another fall.

OrangeSlices998 · 20/09/2025 11:29

We are the other side of the country to my IL’s, and it is very tough. We have a big house, low cost of living and a lovely town to raise the kids in and we are here for DH work but it would be so lovely to be closer. Even though they drive me crazy it would be less stressful and intense to be able to just go for lunch with them or have them come over for a few hours rather than staying with us for 4 days!

PrimeTimeNow · 20/09/2025 11:30

NewpyMum · 18/09/2025 14:34

Thanks for all the posts and your thoughts. A lot of comments on considering when our parents become older. At the moment they range from 58-66 between all four of them. We aren’t necessarily looking for a forever home so we would be happy to move now and then if, in 8-10 years time the situation was different then we would be happy to move again closer to grandparents who now needed more help.

You say that now, with a baby and a toddler - extremely portable and get no say in the matter.

In ten years time you’ll have a teenager/ two senior school age kids with likely firm opinions on not wanting to uproot their whole lives to move somewhere where they know no one except aging parents.

I’d honestly make the move now.
I nearly 60 and my adult kids live ‘the wrong side of London’ for me. Getting together is EXHAUSTING for all of us: packing up, travelling, making arrangements for pets, sleeping poorly in a different bed etc etc etc.

Honestly, move near your families.

80smonster · 20/09/2025 11:42

Since when has North London been cheaper than South London? Do you mean north of Watford? I think I’d go for the south coast if so, nice bits of that are quite pricey too? Is Brighton an option?

angela1952 · 20/09/2025 17:26

@NewpyMum I'm in my early 70's and my DH is 79. We moved five years ago to be nearer to two of our DC which is great (though we are aware that they may choose to move away at some stage). Personally I wouldn't want to live on the south coast, whatever age I was. Some areas are like ghettos for the elderly, others are very run-down, and the nicer parts are expensive.

Sorry, I've not read all your posts but have you discussed the possibility of moving to London (N or S) with your parents? They may welcome the opportunity for a change even if this means leaving friends. As you get older many of your friends either move, go into care homes or (sadly) die.

Trapunt0 · 20/09/2025 22:36

It's not just about how much support the older family members might need but how much (and how irreplaceable) is the time and experiences your kids will get from being closer to another generation.
So many families are increasingly insular, not by choice, if you can give them a closer extended family then that is a great gift

Zanatdy · 21/09/2025 05:34

for me closer to grandparents is a no brainer. Would be a real shame to double the grandparents drive when they are making the effort to come once a week at present. You’re fortunate that they do that. I have lived 4hrs drive away from family / old school friends for 25yrs now and I am finally returning next year. My mum is 72 now and in good health but will be good to be closer (not going to live in same town, still 20 mins drive at least). I do feel my kids have missed out not being close to grandparents.

GlasgowPingu · 21/09/2025 16:04

Would you want to move to the South Coast if your parents didn’t live there? I ask as we moved in part to be closer to my parents when I was pregnant and within two and a half years they were both dead (in their early 60s, so not something that we had envisioned). But we liked the area, and I don’t have any regrets.

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 25/09/2025 16:21

We both moved to London for work in the early 80s, because of the recession. We lived in SE London for 10 years. It was a minimum 4 hour drive to my parents and 6 hours to PILs; and that doesn’t include times like bank holidays and Christmas.

Eventually, we moved to N of London to cut down the journey times to 1.5 and 3 hours respectively. Even so, when MIL was in her 90s, it was hard for DH to do his share of her care - which his sister expected him to do. His sister, who lived 45 minutes away from MIL didn’t just do it all happily.

Both DC moved to towns a 10 minute drive from us, after university. All of us are living in smaller houses, than we could afford in the North - but it’s worth it! We are happy to look after the DGC, whenever DC ask; and they help us out. It’s great to have a close relationship with the DGC.

(We do the three hour drive to Norfolk for DH’s hobby every so often. There is no way, I’d want to drive from there to the S Coast regularly to help care for aging parents, when they get too infirm!)