What do I do r.e housing my disabled sister

Mercury2702 · 2024-09-08T18:42:41+00:00

I’ve been trying to muddle along since Feb but basically I’m getting really stressed now. I live in a 2 bed council house with my nearly 9 year old son and we got housed when I left domestic violence. Basically my mum died really young at 57 in February so I’ve taken on care of my 25 year old sister with learning disabilities and she had no option but to move counties and in with me. To make it work, since Feb my nearly 9 year old son has had to share a bedroom with me as in share my bed and the house is very small. My sister has his room. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing or not but she’s on the home search with my help but has been awarded low priority I’m guessing because she has a roof over her head with me but the circumstances aren’t ideal. We’ve also had social services involvement and she had an assessment under the care act I think it is? I’d hoped she’d be helped into supported living but the social worker said it’s a 2 year waiting list. I just don’t know where to turn now as my son is going through bodily changes so he can’t share a bed with me forever and I’m starting to really get stressed. I don’t want my sister to think she’s at risk of homelessness and I’d never see her out on the streets but it’s really impacting us all. My house is tiny, I work as a nurse part time so do night shifts and days and it’s really impacting on both mine and my sons sleep. I’m happy for her to stay close and support her but it’s really starting to get me down. She’s been through such a tough year with my mum dying suddenly of a brain bleed, seeing our mum in intensive care and I’ve tried to minimalise drastic things but I’m really struggling to cope with us all crammed under one small roof and neither me or my son having our own sleeping space. My living room also isn’t big enough for a sofa bed for me to do that, it’s a tiny square with radiators and door openings positioned in the most awkward places. I also don’t have a dining room I can convert, I only have living room and kitchen :(

Soontobe60 · 08/09/2024 19:45

Would you not qualify for a 3 bed house? I’d speak to Citizens advice asap

Pantaloons99 · 08/09/2024 19:47

I'm surprised you aren't eligible for a bigger house with 3 rooms.

It's absolutely ok if that isn't what you want and you need your space.

Ponderingwindow · 08/09/2024 19:48

First thing, could your sister handle sharing a room with you?

if not, I would get individual beds for you and your son. I would try to avoid bunk beds, but putting him in a lofted bed would work. Basically so they are not physically connected. His is lofted and he has his own space. If necessary, yours can be underneath in an L shape, but ideally just put yours on the other side of the room. Consider curtains or a bookshelf for added privacy.

Original poster

Mercury2702 · 08/09/2024 19:53

Soontobe60 · 08/09/2024 19:45

Would you not qualify for a 3 bed house? I’d speak to Citizens advice asap

So basically her social worker said the same but part of me still needs my own life (as harsh as I feel writing that) and my council said we would qualify but they don’t organise it, you have to look for a mutual exchange with other tenants but my area isn’t the best area and nobody wants to swap, I’ve been trying since February.

she’s on the home search thing in her own right for one beds but citizens advice said it’s probably worth also paying to get a doctors letter, I’m not sure if that will give her anymore priority? But social services said she should be a priority as an adult with care needs but she’s been awarded band c with low points for family support even though I’m now her carer. She could live independently and that’s what she wants with me just helping her with her finances and being her third party for medical appointments. I just feel awful for being stressed with the situation

OP posts:

Original poster

Mercury2702 · 08/09/2024 19:59

Ponderingwindow · 08/09/2024 19:48

First thing, could your sister handle sharing a room with you?

if not, I would get individual beds for you and your son. I would try to avoid bunk beds, but putting him in a lofted bed would work. Basically so they are not physically connected. His is lofted and he has his own space. If necessary, yours can be underneath in an L shape, but ideally just put yours on the other side of the room. Consider curtains or a bookshelf for added privacy.

I think this is what I’m going to have to do for now. Me and my son are sharing the smallest room at the mo in a double bed and the room doesn’t even have enough room for a wardrobe so it’s basically open the door and into bed whilst my sister has the biggest as it was half being decorated when everything suddenly happened with my mum and it’s a bigger bedroom. It’s just such a struggle feeling like we’re all on top of each other in such a small space. I wouldn’t have done any different as of course I’d take my sister in and ensure she’s set up and ok, I just thought there’d be more help for her

OP posts:

Pantaloons99 · 08/09/2024 20:00

It's not harsh at all OP.

Absolutely pay for that letter! I'd also tell the GP you feel the situation is having a severe impact on sisters mental health and stick that in the letter. It does make a difference. You can bid for a 1 bed every week I recall.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 08/09/2024 20:22

For now, can you do 2 single beds in the room your sister is in, and you share with her. A single bed in the other room for your son so he can have a wardrobe etc.

Would that work?

Soontobe60 · 08/09/2024 20:25

So for now, you and DS share the bigger room, DSis has the smaller room.

Owl55 · 08/09/2024 20:30

I’m afraid the only hope of your sister getting a home for herself is for you to ask her to leave and she’s homeless , that seems to be the only way she’ll be rehoused . My sister had to do this with her daughter when she was pregnant and because she was homeless she had a house offer .

IncompleteSenten · 08/09/2024 21:00

Sadly ss will do nothing as long as they know she can stay with you.

And if you say she can't then they'll try to guilt trip you and they'll not think for a second you mean it.

The only way to help her is to tell them she's got 4 weeks then she's out on the street and make them believe it by telling them she's a vulnerable adult and therefore their responsibility and you have no legal responsibility for her and put it in writing that you are going to drop her at their offices on such and such a date.

Absolutely nothing less than that will make her a priority to them. And they'll push it till the last second, saying there's nothing they can do and promising you the moon on a stick if you just wait so youve got to call their bluff and really convince them you mean it.

You've got to be the emergency situation that takes priority over their other files.

loobylou10 · 08/09/2024 21:33

Please also get some support, emotional and practical, from Sibs. The charity supports siblings of disabled children and adults. Www.sibs.org.uk.

PolaroidPrincess · 08/09/2024 21:41

IncompleteSenten · 08/09/2024 21:00

Sadly ss will do nothing as long as they know she can stay with you.

And if you say she can't then they'll try to guilt trip you and they'll not think for a second you mean it.

The only way to help her is to tell them she's got 4 weeks then she's out on the street and make them believe it by telling them she's a vulnerable adult and therefore their responsibility and you have no legal responsibility for her and put it in writing that you are going to drop her at their offices on such and such a date.

Absolutely nothing less than that will make her a priority to them. And they'll push it till the last second, saying there's nothing they can do and promising you the moon on a stick if you just wait so youve got to call their bluff and really convince them you mean it.

You've got to be the emergency situation that takes priority over their other files.

Sadly all of this is true.

carly2803 · 08/09/2024 21:55

IncompleteSenten · 08/09/2024 21:00

Sadly ss will do nothing as long as they know she can stay with you.

And if you say she can't then they'll try to guilt trip you and they'll not think for a second you mean it.

The only way to help her is to tell them she's got 4 weeks then she's out on the street and make them believe it by telling them she's a vulnerable adult and therefore their responsibility and you have no legal responsibility for her and put it in writing that you are going to drop her at their offices on such and such a date.

Absolutely nothing less than that will make her a priority to them. And they'll push it till the last second, saying there's nothing they can do and promising you the moon on a stick if you just wait so youve got to call their bluff and really convince them you mean it.

You've got to be the emergency situation that takes priority over their other files.

this with bells on

in the meantime, share with your sister room wise and let your son have some privacy

Jyckin · 08/09/2024 21:56

I believe your best way to up your sister in her housing is to right a formal letter / email saying from ... date you will no longer be able to house her and she will be homeless from said date. With you having social services involved you can have assessment for respite day hours and night hours also and with her being your sister and you having a young son there should be no reason you would not be awarded these. Sadly they will say housing will take long because you are housing her and I know you will love her dearly but for all your sakes you need to tell the LA that she has to be out by certain date (even if you don't obviously kick her out they don't need to know that ). It's something you must do to move her up the list. If she is diagnosed with learning disabilities she should have afew services involved that should be able to help you it's finding out which are involved and how they can help. All the best to you and you sister. And sorry if I've just said what you already know. Xx

Jyckin · 08/09/2024 21:58

IncompleteSenten · 08/09/2024 21:00

Sadly ss will do nothing as long as they know she can stay with you.

And if you say she can't then they'll try to guilt trip you and they'll not think for a second you mean it.

The only way to help her is to tell them she's got 4 weeks then she's out on the street and make them believe it by telling them she's a vulnerable adult and therefore their responsibility and you have no legal responsibility for her and put it in writing that you are going to drop her at their offices on such and such a date.

Absolutely nothing less than that will make her a priority to them. And they'll push it till the last second, saying there's nothing they can do and promising you the moon on a stick if you just wait so youve got to call their bluff and really convince them you mean it.

You've got to be the emergency situation that takes priority over their other files.

Absolutely this 100%

Spartak · 08/09/2024 22:03

It may be worth getting in touch with your local Mencap group and asking for some support around accessing services locally to you.

There is likely to be a group of parents/relatives who have got well used to fighting for things and know who to contact etc. I work with adults with LD and the local Mencap group was central to keeping our local authority day centres open.

You will need to be persistant with social services as if you don't keep in regular contact with them, your sister will just fall of the radar.

It may also be work asking SS for a carers assessment in your own right, so they have it fully documented that the current arrangements will not work in the longer term.

Floppyelf · 08/09/2024 22:03

What’s your sister’s entitlement? Speak to Adult social care and let them know that you can no longer house her and confirm a date of eviction. She will be easily housed in a suitable home for adults with disabilities.

Floppyelf · 08/09/2024 22:08

IncompleteSenten · 08/09/2024 21:00

Sadly ss will do nothing as long as they know she can stay with you.

And if you say she can't then they'll try to guilt trip you and they'll not think for a second you mean it.

The only way to help her is to tell them she's got 4 weeks then she's out on the street and make them believe it by telling them she's a vulnerable adult and therefore their responsibility and you have no legal responsibility for her and put it in writing that you are going to drop her at their offices on such and such a date.

Absolutely nothing less than that will make her a priority to them. And they'll push it till the last second, saying there's nothing they can do and promising you the moon on a stick if you just wait so youve got to call their bluff and really convince them you mean it.

You've got to be the emergency situation that takes priority over their other files.

@IncompleteSenten is completely correct. The funding for adults with LD’s only activate if she’s a warden of the state. It is such a mental toll. As you are a nurse you’re better off advocating for your sister but first you have to make her the social services problem.

Floppyelf · 08/09/2024 22:10

What support does your sister need? Is it severe LD’s or minor disabilities?

Ozanj · 08/09/2024 22:13

I suspect you would need to make her homeless for them to take this seriously. One of my friends was at the end of her tether and actually abandoned her brother (he had significant needs) at the GP and that triggered a social services referral.

MuchasSmoochas · 08/09/2024 22:19

So sorry OP. Yes the advice re homelessness is the best although it sounds awful, it’s the only way. We had to do similar and I also emailed the Safeguarding Committee to let them know that a vulnerable adult would be homeless on x date. It worked out really well, my relative is in supported accommodation near by, she is very happy there and can come and go to ours as she pleases. Good luck OP 💐

JC03745 · 08/09/2024 22:26

Sorry for your loss OP.
I assuming your sister lived with your mum previously? Would your sister be able to live independently in her own flat, manage shopping, cooking, finances etc herself, would she need supported living/group house or more support akin to a care home? Do you have other relatives who could help with respite, so you can have more quality time with your child? I agree that making her homeless will get he seen quicker- but that is only suitable IF she could manage living independently. I'm afraid no real advice but withing you all the best x

Gazelda · 08/09/2024 22:35

I second @Spartak's suggestion to get in touch with your local Mencap. They often have excellent groups and connections.

Or the national mencap organisation has an advice service.

Sibs is fantastic for siblings of people with disabilities.

Depending on the level of your sisters needs, is your DS a young carer by default? If so, do let his school know.

Twistybranch · 08/09/2024 22:44

Until you find a long term solution

Could you reconfigure the bedroom she is in,so it’s self contained. So have a tv in there, mini fridge, own laundry hamper, coffee/tea station. Just so you don’t have to be on top of one another.

Give the small room over to your son and get a decent sofa bed for the living room and make that your space.

Make a rule that everyone is out the living room by 8pm. Your sister in her room with her tv etc, your son in his room for bedtime.

Use paper plates in the house (less mess to clear up/dishes to wash)

canspan · 08/09/2024 23:27

IncompleteSenten · 08/09/2024 21:00

Sadly ss will do nothing as long as they know she can stay with you.

And if you say she can't then they'll try to guilt trip you and they'll not think for a second you mean it.

The only way to help her is to tell them she's got 4 weeks then she's out on the street and make them believe it by telling them she's a vulnerable adult and therefore their responsibility and you have no legal responsibility for her and put it in writing that you are going to drop her at their offices on such and such a date.

Absolutely nothing less than that will make her a priority to them. And they'll push it till the last second, saying there's nothing they can do and promising you the moon on a stick if you just wait so youve got to call their bluff and really convince them you mean it.

You've got to be the emergency situation that takes priority over their other files.

Absolutely this. My mum had to be very harsh and say she was throwing out my sister who was a single mum with a baby, so that she could get council housing. They did home visits and my mum had to say she had essentially disowned my sister and couldn't tolerate her in the house any more. You must convince them that your sister will be out on the streets if they don't find housing for her. Get any professional letters you can, including GP letter but a consultant is even better, and any other professionals involved in your sister's care.