What do I do r.e housing my disabled sister

[Mercury2702]

I’ve been trying to muddle along since Feb but basically I’m getting really stressed now.

I live in a 2 bed council house with my nearly 9 year old son and we got housed when I left domestic violence. Basically my mum died really young at 57 in February so I’ve taken on care of my 25 year old sister with learning disabilities and she had no option but to move counties and in with me.

To make it work, since Feb my nearly 9 year old son has had to share a bedroom with me as in share my bed and the house is very small. My sister has his room. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing or not but she’s on the home search with my help but has been awarded low priority I’m guessing because she has a roof over her head with me but the circumstances aren’t ideal. We’ve also had social services involvement and she had an assessment under the care act I think it is? I’d hoped she’d be helped into supported living but the social worker said it’s a 2 year waiting list. I just don’t know where to turn now as my son is going through bodily changes so he can’t share a bed with me forever and I’m starting to really get stressed. I don’t want my sister to think she’s at risk of homelessness and I’d never see her out on the streets but it’s really impacting us all.

My house is tiny, I work as a nurse part time so do night shifts and days and it’s really impacting on both mine and my sons sleep. I’m happy for her to stay close and support her but it’s really starting to get me down. She’s been through such a tough year with my mum dying suddenly of a brain bleed, seeing our mum in intensive care and I’ve tried to minimalise drastic things but I’m really struggling to cope with us all crammed under one small roof and neither me or my son having our own sleeping space. My living room also isn’t big enough for a sofa bed for me to do that, it’s a tiny square with radiators and door openings positioned in the most awkward places. I also don’t have a dining room I can convert, I only have living room and kitchen :(

Thank you for all your replies!

yes she lived with my mum in a rural village, she had no friends and it was just my mum and her. My mum also had a learning disability but got through life but it does seem like my mum was doing more for her than she needed to, but obviously it came from a good place.

when she first came to me I had to help her shower etc but now since Feb, her independence has come along lots. She’s not severe, she can do housework and cook herself basic meals in an airfryer and make lunches etc. social services assessed her safety awareness and she has capacity and despite not wanting to make phone calls herself, she rang 999 the day my mum had her brain haemorrhage. I was made appointee of her finances by dwp which all get paid into my bank account and I sort out her direct debits and give her a weekly allowance and I’m also her third party at her gp and attend all her appointments with her because of her anxiety. When I’m at work, she uses her bus pass to go to the library or nip to the shops for food bits etc so it’s more emotional and social support I provide now as well as a few practical stuff. This is why it would be most ideal to keep her close so that I can still support, batch cook for her etc and she does say she wants her own space

Have you looked at supported living for adults with learning disabilities in your area? There are charities that will help your sister find somewhere suitable to live and help with support needs. I have worked for one in the past and they can be really good particularly with additional family support.

So there’s one really close which would be perfect, the downstairs area has lots of social activities, a cafe which we’ve been in as the public can also use it and a hairdressers and I’d love her to be there but the social worker said it’s a 2 year waiting list then has put on the care assessment form she did that we need help with 3 bed housing without really asking what we all want! Although when she first met my sister and she asked what my sister could do, she also said ‘are you sure you want to get rid of her’ in front of her which was also full of compassion

I can't help with the more detailed side of things but for a short term solution I think you and your son should continue to share a room but take the biggest.

Get a bed where there's a bunk over a double bed and a bed tent for each bed. The bed tents create private spaces.

It's not ideal but it will help until the more detailed stuff gets sorted out.

@Mercury2702 I was living with family with my child and fortunately secured a council property.( I used to work FT and own my own home etc before serious illnesses just upended everything before any judgement from anyone).

Knowing I was screwed, I pulled out all the stops to make sure I was prioritised. This did not involve lying, it's about understanding the system and ensuring you don't downplay anything.

You have to get that GP letter. You can even tell them what you want in that letter! You can email those details. As long as it's truthful. For example, extreme anxiety, current housing situation significantly exacerbating extreme anxiety and mental wellbeing ( due to no personal space). The fact a young male is in the home with no private space and 2 adult females is a concern regards his mental wellbeing. Your own mental wellbeing is at significant risk. Etc etc

You have to think of every single negative impact the current situation is having and how that increases points.

Make it a priority to get the letter from the GP. Put your request in writing in an email and include all the points you want them to include. E.g like examples above if applicable.

And the family member I was living with wrote a letter saying they couldn't continue housing me and it was detrimental having us there ( for their health and well being). This then moved me into category of significant risk of homelessness.

Try the above suggestions before officially booting sister out. Sitting in an office for hours on end is going to be so stressful for her and you. I'd try everything first.

Thank you so much

im going to get the doctors letter sorted this week although I know from her bus pass letter it took a few weeks and email her social services assessment, do you think I should send her pip breakdown as well?

You need to officially make her homeless (letter to her SW) OP so she gets priority for her own council place. As she's on the home search system you need to update her details there to register her homelessness so she's reassessed. They may initially place her somewhere unsuitable, they can't magic suitable places out of the air.

If SS have to provide more support workers for her due to this then that's what they'll need to do. I've known people allocated 2 to 1 support not due to the person's behaviour but due to where they're living and the people they're surrounded by. If that's what they have to do so she can get out to buy food and attend appointments then so be it. Once it's costing them, you'll find SS less inclined to shrug their shoulders about finding her somewhere suitable to live.

Don't get sucked into more caring than you can realistically do because SS will never take her off your hands voluntarily. You cutting her loose is the only way they'll do that. I know it sounds brutal but your legal responsibility is to your son not your sister. You can't harm him to save her.

You are a really good sister, and not any less of one for wanting more space and more provision and support. Very difficult situation.
I hope you get what you need soon xxxx
There is a website called disability grants UK which I've been recommended for a neighbour that might qualify.

That was very, very unfair of the social worker!!!! FFS!!!

But social services said she should be a priority as an adult with care needs but she’s been awarded band c with low points for family support even though I’m now her carer

Band C = adequately housed. Which she is, because you've given her a room and made it so your son isn't adequately housed. Give him back his room, put her on the sofa, then update that to the housing portal (as well as officially registering her homeless) and request a reassessment, straight away they can't say "adequately housed" because she doesn't have a room or rights to stay in the property.

Make sure she's bidding every week the maximum amount of bids. Some weeks eg August holidays or Christmas less people bid, so more chance of getting given one.

@Mercury2702 they'll ask for a breakdown of finances once further down the line. I think I didn't have to show anything until my bid on a property was accepted.

Don't give them anything they don't need just yet.

The GP letter and your letter are absolutely vital. If she is engaging with any other support services who can write a letter, they need to also. You can ask them and plead for their support highlight how detrimental this current set up is to everyone. Don't downplay a thing.

Services are over loaded and they won't go out their way to help. You have to keep at them saying look look look. You have to get services on your side. You have to get those services to write letters in support. If you don't go full steam ahead here your sister will be with you forever. No apologies, no oh sorry to bother you. You have got to know how to play it and you don't stop.

( I spent years working for a Local Authority, Housing Associations and supporting tenants so am aware of how it all works sadly.No one really gives a shit because they're just overloaded with no resources and it's dog eat dog right now).

OP just so you know for the future when you're choosing decisions, the biggest mistake you made with this one was taking sister in after your mum died and thinking you had no choice. Sister did have options. At that point she was homeless so top priority, you downgraded her by taking her in. SS wouldn't have left her on the streets for 2yrs until a support home became available, they'd have found somewhere for her ASAP. SS in her area would have tried hard to get her housed in your area because not only does it suit you/her, it's best for them too because she'd have become some other area's SS budget and not theirs.

Whatever the situation, don't let SS convince you ever again that there's no options. Always think - if you didn't exist, what would the options be then? Those options still exist even though you're around.