Selling after four years - DH not keen

[Givemethesun]

Hi all. I am aware I’m probably making this a bigger problem than it is. DH and I bought what we thought would be our perfect family home. I really haven’t ever settled and want to sell. So so worried about losing money. DH is happy there. Also we have had a very difficult year for personal reasons (DH side of family but impacts me too but less so obviously) and I am really aware that placing pressure on DH to sell (moving is stressful!) will just give us another stressful year next year. It’s impacting my MH though as I really don’t like being there, and want to be settled somewhere before Dc applies for primary school. Really concerned about losing money. I have tentatively mentioned to DH, but it is very difficult to push it after such a tough year. I’d like to list in spring 25 but we’d have only owned the house for four years. Any kind words or suggestions very welcome. Although not sure what that might be. I find it difficult to speak to others as I know they will think we are stupid for buying a family home and then not being happy there. Ps we are in London so moving costs are high a family home is c 1.1m.

Personally I feel you are going to destroy your marriage if you keep pressuring your husband to move. It's never a good idea to keep nagging once a man said no. Especially as you admit it's a no for sensible reasons. Can you pay an interior designer to pop in and suggest a few things? Also, enroll your child into a private primary? Might work out much cheaper than moving. Certainly cheaper than divorce

What is it about the house/area that you don't like?

What exactly is it that you dislike so much ? Is there no way of working around this or making a few changes that would make things easier for you ?

Until the property is valued etc you wont know if you are likely to lose money.

@ApolloandDaphne and @Neveranynamesleft you asked similar questions.

It is quite a built up area and we are near a main road - no greenery. Also the garden is huge which I find stressful.

There’s also another area ten minutes drive away that I love (access to open spaces). Yes we could drive up to the greenery, but the thought of actually living there and being able to pop out to the open spaces daily with Dc is a real pull. Ps we have stayed in this area temporarily this summer so the reality is yes the green space is amazing and yes we do use it. I just felt more at home up there. First world problems I know.

Moving is so so stressful, is this the only option? What do you not like about your house? I don’t think the concept of a “forever home” that has become so common is always helpful. Houses have good points and bad points, as long as the good outweigh the bad I’d stay put and change what you can afford to in your current home. If your DH has had such a tough time, I think it is unfair to pressure him to move from a home he is happy in and add lots more stress to your lives.

Drill down into what exactly the problem is (which you haven’t outlined here). Is it the property, the neighbourhood or the potential school? Only when you’ve reach an answer and tried to address the issue will you be in a position to explain to your DH the continuing negative effect your home is having upon you. Your DH is happy, maybe your DC is too - everyone’s wishes need to be considered as moving is stressful and expensive.

You want to go to all that hassle and all that expense to move ten minutes up the road?

Oh OP I feel for you. I've been there: it's horrible to feel stuck somewhere where you're unhappy and to feel worried about the logistical and financial hassle of selling! If you're in a family home in London I think you're unlikely to lose money on the sale, and four years in a house is a decent amount of time. I'd be surprised if any seller questioned it, especially if you tell them you're moving to get your DC settled ahead of school starting.

Could you start on some of the little jobs that you'll need to do to get the house ready to sell anyway? Repainting, sorting the garden, fixing that leaky tap, whatever. Then you'll be in a much better place to put it on the market and in the meantime you might feel a bit better about the house itself.

What ‘surrendered wife’ / sexist BS ‘Kosenrufugirl’

It’s unfair to say that a property with the disadvantages you mention is negatively affecting your mental health. You have a decent place but you would prefer to live elsewhere. DH would prefer to stay.

would do pros / cons against a range of criteria and costs - analysis of the options.by yourself. If you think your preference stacks up best talk to DH again.

in the meantime if part of the problem is the work involved in the garden seek ways to address that.

You must have plenty of greenery in your garden to enjoy. Before you purchased you knew how built up the area is, your proximity to a main road, the size of your garden.
You can drive or walk to the area you prefer rather than sell and move.
I think you’re being unreasonable tbh.

Get a Gardner or several of it helps. Look to problem solve where you are. Get house valued so you know where you stand on the losing money or not… Can’t tell what the actual problem is from your post! X

What's wrong with the greenery in your garden?

We bought and sold within 3 years..moved out of SW London to urban Surrey/Zone 5 and I hated it, never settled, never found my 'tribe', so we moved - however DH felt the same so I didn't have to have that fight too, and we moved a reasonably significant distance away.

You say you are 10 mins drive from where you would ideally like to be - so can you access the things you do like by car? Could you love with that compromise?

However, if you are targeting state schools, what are the ones you will be allocated, like? If they are better in your target area, can you use that as a rationale for moving?

Sympathies OP, it's miserable living somewhere when you aren't happy..life is too short IMO. Houses are in short supply, so although you may lose money in the shorter term, due to stamp/costs etc, I'm sure longer term, you would recoup it.

No harm in getting estate agent valuation and putting it on the market? Do houses come up often in your preferred area or will you have to rent?

*live with...can't edit on the app!

When does DC start school? If it’s 2025 you’ll have to apply in Jan, you’d probably want to know where you’ll be.
Moving is tough, but I couldn’t be somewhere I hated. I love my home. Maybe point out more of the upsides to the new area, such as the improved quality of family time with access to all the green spaces.
Im also of the opinion that moving is as tough as you make it. The buying process can be stressful if there are chain issues, but I think if it’s meant to be it will be. Otherwise I’m in the throw money at it camp and last time round just paid a moving company to pack us and move us it, best money ever spent, they even made the beds, we just had to turn up.
In the meantime hire a gardener to help out with weeding/lawn, and install an irrigation system for the beds-it’s a game changer.

Definitely get an estate agent round to slur it. Have you done any work on it? The first thing prospective buyers will do is go to the previous listing and compare. Since borrowing costs are so much higher people are expecting flatter prices.

An alternative would be to really embrace the garden and spend the funds you would do moving, transform that into a fabulous green space. Huge gardens are so, so rare.

We moved house after 5 years, we put it on the market a few months beforehand. We also thought it was our forever home but had to move due to jobs.

I think you need to work out who's emotions usurp the other's at the moment. Sounds like you are both in a bad place for different reasons.

Is there a timing issue e.g. applying for schools? If so, when is that?

Sounds like if your DH felt 'better' he might be in a better frame of mind to consider your request of moving up the road. If you pile it on now it might make him feel worse.

I don't think your reasons for moving are unreasonable. It's just that most people know how they feel about busy roads / green spaces before they move into their forever home - there will never be the 'perfect' property but at least you know what your non-negotiables are now.

I also think you need to have in mind your minimum acceptable offer, if you don't get it, you don't move.

Four years is long enough to know you aren’t happy in a house. Actually it’s a fair amount of time even if you love the house. I’d moved six times by the time I left for uni, my parents just enjoyed the change!

I also wouldn’t worry about losing money. In the scheme of things any losses will be absorbed by property price rises.

Your DH will come round once you find a property you both love, it’s not like you’re going to spring it on him. I say go for it.

It's never a good idea to keep nagging once a man said no.

WTF

When you say personal reasons on DH’s side of the family are you talking serious illness, bereavement? I would be very hesitant to put the pressure of house moving onto us as a family next year if that is the case though moved a few months after my Dad moved as that’s what we were planning to do. It was very stressful though.

You seem to be in the position where you want more green space but don’t want the green space you have. How big is the garden and can you get it divided into areas given that it is big so you can just open the back door and your DC can go out ?

If you have a lot of space you could have a section at the bottom as more of a wild area with some fruit trees and it could be a great space to encourage wildlife, maybe a summer house thing doe you to sit in, create somewhere lovely for your DC to play in along with another play area closer to house. The back section would be lower maintenance and the rest can be designed to be be pretty low maintenance too with some thought and planning.

You say you have a huge garden - that's great ' just get a gardener to help you make it lovely and really utilise it then you won't crave going ten mins away to share a green space with strangers ? Consider enrolling your child into private school

Im also of the opinion that moving is as tough as you make it. The buying process can be stressful if there are chain issues, but I think if it’s meant to be it will be. @ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit Sales and purchases fall apart all the time and thinking “ it wasn’t meant to be” may not help reduce the stress as you lose thousands of pounds in the process. So many decisions to make, people acting unreasonably…looking on the Property board you can see all the many many ways trying to move can cause huge stress.

Of course plenty of people do sell/buy on the first attempt, but when a family has been through a really tough time I think it’s sensible to consider if they are up to dealing with an expensive potentially lengthy process which is hugely dependent on other people to succeed.

This sounds like it's going to cause an unnecessary amount of stress and put a strain on your relationship. The only reason I would move in your shoes is if my child wasn't going to get the school place I wanted. Even then you might not get it all through in time.
You may well lose money. Could you not use some money to get help with the garden or improve the house, even if only cosmetic? If you wait another couple of years it'll be a different financial position and maybe you'd both be in a better place to make big move decisions.