Selling after four years - DH not keen

[Givemethesun]

Hi all. I am aware I’m probably making this a bigger problem than it is. DH and I bought what we thought would be our perfect family home. I really haven’t ever settled and want to sell. So so worried about losing money. DH is happy there. Also we have had a very difficult year for personal reasons (DH side of family but impacts me too but less so obviously) and I am really aware that placing pressure on DH to sell (moving is stressful!) will just give us another stressful year next year. It’s impacting my MH though as I really don’t like being there, and want to be settled somewhere before Dc applies for primary school. Really concerned about losing money. I have tentatively mentioned to DH, but it is very difficult to push it after such a tough year. I’d like to list in spring 25 but we’d have only owned the house for four years. Any kind words or suggestions very welcome. Although not sure what that might be. I find it difficult to speak to others as I know they will think we are stupid for buying a family home and then not being happy there. Ps we are in London so moving costs are high a family home is c 1.1m.

I don't understand if you miss greenery why you don't work on making your garden a nicer space in the meantime?

You can hire a gardener to do the initial work and then maybe someone to cut the grass every month.

Selling/buying is so stressful and expensive that I can understand how someone who has had a bad year already is not keen to put themselves through it quite yet. So I would tell him that you really want to move next year but compromise by saying you want to wait 6 months before starting the process to give everyone some breathing space from the recent family trauma.

Can you perhaps pinpoint a couple of properties in the new area that you really like, and show them to dh being specific about the advantages of moving again.

It does sound like a lot of hassle and expense for just ten minutes up the road - particularly if dh has had a lot of personal stress recently too. Maybe bringing it to life with some suggestions would help. I’d definitely be cautious about school catchments most of all, but also you can see if prices are affordable and try and take some of the ‘unknown’ out of it.

OP, a garden makeover and a regular gardener to cut the grass, prune shrubs etc, would be a lot less expensive than paying stamp duty.

Why not deal with the issue head on rather than avoiding it?

You've given it four years and if you're sure there are no changes you can make as suggested, I'd say start looking at your options for moving.
We're about to move after three years and stand to lose money. We've lived in several places over the years with mostly fond memories and have made various profits/ losses on paper but only once before disliked a place this much. Couldn't wait to get out then and never regretted it despite losing money!

I would work out what your moving costs (removals, solicitors, conveyors etc) plus stamp duty and estate agents fees. That would be the financial implication of moving to an identical house in your preferred location. That’s before you’ve even factored in house prices. I would be temped to take that figure and use the money to pay for gardeners or even landscapers - either to improve your own outdoor space or maintain the garden for you every week/month to reduce your stress about it.

I totally get it. I've been in a house I hated before and it's an awful feeling. It was so practical - great location for commuting for both DH and I, access to a fantastic city, good size, didn't need much work etc etc. But I hated it. I hated the neighbourhood (although not inherently bad) and was constantly looking for negatives. DH thought it was great but he understood my feelings.
Buying a house isn't just practical considerations - it's a very emotional thing. If you can afford to move, then do. Obviously your DH has had a crap year so ensure you do most of the leg work with paperwork. Good luck.

We sold our first house after 4 years. 2018 to 2022, 263k to 391k

Been in our new house 2 years, hate it, it’s going on the market next week. Probably lose money on it £500k to £480k ish.

But the house we buy will also be cheaper than it was when it was two years ago.

If you’re unhappy and want to move and can afford it the money just doesn’t matter. But you need to speak to your husband in a different way to make him understand how unhappy you are as it sounds like he doesn’t realise atm.

What kind of sexist bullshit is this?

Sorry but your reasons for moving sound really strange. You want more greenery but you don’t like having a large garden?! Can you get more use out of the garden eg get it landscaped, put in a climbing frame/swing etc for dc and some nice seating for you? Pay a gardener to come round and maintain it? All of this would cost far less than moving.

Have you actually written down how much the move itself would cost - stamp duty, solicitors, estate agents and movers etc? Maybe then decide to invest some of that in to your current property to resolve some of your issues.

Thanks all some really mixed responses on here and some helpful comments. I suppose I should have outlined In my op that the main road I find loud,and the garden I genuinely find overwhelming. We spend far less time in it than we imagined and more time out and about.

Didn't op say it was too big?

I'm possibly going against the grain because I just can't get over how much stamp duty you will have paid over 5 years if you move again.

If the school you will be in is OK, including secondary, then I would stay. If you're not happy with the schools, then potentially yes do think about moving.

Invite people round more so you use the garden. I'm afraid I do employ a gardener, it's well worth it to me and I garden more if it's kept under control.

Do your windows need looking at if the road noise is bothersome?

If your husband has had a really hard year why would you add to it for what seem poor reasons? The garden is too big but I want more green spaces.

Rather than waste money on moving, I’d spend the money on the garden and making it a place you do want to spend time. If you still feel the same in a couple of years it will hopefully be reflected in the selling price.

You need to apply for primary schools in January if your child is about to start so the chances of you moving in time if you decided to move today is slim.

Let your husband breathe before you start pushing on this.

I hope it works out.

I think you need to cut your DH some slack here OP. If he’s recovering from a stressful year and is happy in his home, I don’t think you should upset that and add to his stress.

It sounds like your issues are to a certain extent controllable - e.g. get a gardener, visit parks - while his are not (personal family issues by the sound of it). If your MH is being affected, I think this is one time where I’d say frankly, deal with that and how you’re responding to the feelings you have so you can be strong for him and not put him under more pressure.

I’m not saying your feelings are invalid, I just think you should explore less dramatic ways of managing them until your family has steadied itself.

Oh I’m well aware, we lost £000’s on our seller pulling out very late on in our first purchase. My point is it’s entirely out of your control, you can’t manage other people in the process, so you go into it knowing the risks but also no point in stressing yourself out over something you have no control over 🤷‍♀️

In your post you said 2 times that you are so so worried/scared about losing money on your house. I think the stress of selling and moving would be too much for you both at the moment after what you have been through in the past year. Try to get a gardener in and start to love your garden.

We have a huge garden/land and what we have done is get rid of one huge garden and make it it into different areas and it's beautiful. We hired professional landscapers and they have a a better vision of how to divide the areas up but make it all cohesive and flowing.

Sounds pretty daft to move house because you prefer the greenery up the road and your garden is too big. Sounds like you have the cash so just get a gardener in.

your DC is going in to school next year (or the year after I assume as you'd need to be moving now if it's 2025).

So it would seem that you moved to the house as a couple and now you are a parent. Is this more to do with the change in your life in general? It's ok to feel dissatisfaction with the drudgery of parenting.

Also, your DC is 3(ish) and at that age you watch them constantly. In a couple of years you'll have thrown them out into the big garden with their mates and will have time to yourself again.

I'd look closely at how you really feel about the whole change. Not just the house.

@Changingname1988 ill also add that when we lost all that money I wasn’t nearly so pragmatic, I felt very upset and stressed, my (now) DH was the one telling me not to stress, and he was dead right. It was a lovely little flat on the canal in kings x, when it was a lot more up and coming. We would have made a packet on selling it. But we ended up buying a bigger, and cheaper (cos we’d lost some money) flat further out and we loved it, we were so happy there, so I do think it was meant to be. Plus we’ve walked past the property we lost out on numerous times since and realised it really wouldn’t have suited us as much, it’s loud along there.

How long you've been there isn't an issue, IMO.
But I don't see the point in moving closer to greenery if you have a large garden. I agree that investing in the garden would be better.
The noise from the main road can also be reduced with shrubs, if you have space in front, or good windows. Maybe invest in a small glasshouse extension at the back, so that you can spend more time there than in a front room?

@ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit I’m sorry you’ve been through the mill too. We’ve not had our “happy ending” yet, still trying and hoping after multiple failed chains.

I agree it’s a good idea not to obsess over things, but I think that’s harder if people are already in a stressed state. In this case, it sounds like OP’s husband has had a tough time of it over the past year and as he doesn’t actually want to move it doesn’t seem great timing.

@Changingname1988 ouch, I’m so sorry you’ve had multiple failed chains, that’s a nightmare. I hope you end up in your dream home soon. It’s definitely easier to be pragmatic when you’re out the other side 😅

Yes, OP’s situation definitely more stressful but also so hard to come home everyday to a home you’re not happy with. I’m quite emotional when it comes to home, I quite literally breathe a sigh of relief when I get home and close the door behind me, it’s my refuge and happy place.

slight note of caution from me: I spent five years in a house and area that I felt wasn’t right and constantly wanted to move. Didn’t feel there were my kind of people around, found it hard to make friends, didn’t like the look/ feel of the town we were in, hard to access green spaces etc BUT we had a fairly big back garden which we did t use much. We moved after five years to my choice of area and house, much smaller garden. In some ways it’s better, but I’ve actually realised a lot of the issues were more to do with me. I still haven’t made loads of friends despite having ‘my kind of people’ around, and now I realise this is partly because I have a close knit family and group of friends from uni and actually don’t have much band width left for new friendships. Our house is lovely but we still need to work at keeping it tidy and maintained, and the smaller garden is actually a real downside now the children are older and wanting to throw paper planes/ footballs/ stomp rockets etc (which we really can’t). I definitely let the house stuff become a lightening rod for all my general unease in life. We are about to move again but I have my eyes open this time. Most of life is just life wherever you are! And every house has pros and cons.

Oh and I totally agree, the concept of a forever home can be really unhelpful (and unnecessary)