Please help me dissuade DH of his daft idea (re knocking through rooms)

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Less than six months ago, we spent nearly £10k on redoing our dining room. It looks amazing now, with high quality furniture and flooring, it’s fab. DH led the design and declaration options and while it might not have been my first choice, I can’t deny it looks great and it’s a fabulous entertaining space that is now in keeping with the era of the property, with some original features restored along the way.

Fast forward a few months and yesterday DH said he’s been thinking and wouldn’t it actually be great if we knocked through the dining room and kitchen to make it open plan?!

Err… well no, it’s not happening. And I’m a bit pissed off that the dining room renovation was his idea which I went along with and now he’s not happy. But I can’t just say an outright ‘no’ to him, so I am going to let him down gently on the basis on cost and the fact there’s no way we can afford it.

Quite apart from the 10k already spent (and will be paying off the loan for another 24 months)… how much does it cost to knock down a load bearing wall these days? I imagine the wall will be thick as there’s a chimney stack with a fireplace on either side. Then you have a new kitchen, flooring, replastering it all, re-decoration…

I know it’s how long is a piece of string but any guesstimates please?!

Is he usually so dissatisfied with life? Is he needing a distraction from drudgery or problems?. Can you veer him to jobs that actually DO need doing?

Also, when we were house hunting, we talked about how we didn’t really like open plan as it’s good to have separated rooms, issues with cooking smells, washing machine noises etc etc! I’m quite annoyed by this latest idea, especially given all the work and money that was spent less than six months ago!

Why can’t you just say ‘no’ to him? I’d be annoyed too.

He sounds bored so he's looking for things to do. Can you get him to focus on the garden or something? I would say a hobby but if he goes overboard then you will have bikes and golf clubs bursting out all over the place, and then he will suggest moving for more space 😬

But I can’t just say an outright ‘no’ to him,
Yes you can. Why do you think you can't?

Just say no!

Also wondering why you can't just say no. I mean, most people will say no with a reason like you're saying, but that's just because conversations don't tend to go:

"I want to do this..."
"No."
"Okay then."

I wouldn’t say so, no!

Actually, just writing this thread has made me realise what to do.

Further context is that we are expecting DC1, all spare money while pregnant is going to maternity leave savings, then all spare money between child being 1-5 will be going on childcare. (We are not high earners and it’ll be tight!)

He said he thinks we can get a home improvement loan for this idea.

So if he mentions it again I’ll tell him to go and list every trade and job that’ll need doing, research the likely cost of such things, add it up and see what a loan would cost and then tell me where he would find that all that money from (in other words, it’s impossible). And to remember that in the next few years we will also need to magic up a few grand to replace either one or both of our cars…!!

Then I don’t have to be the bad guy by saying no! 😅

Quite apart from the 10k already spent (and will be paying off the loan for another 24 months)

I mean this is the key argument, isn't it? You haven't paid for the first reno yet. Until that one's paid off there's surely no question of doing another.

I can’t just say no because I feel like it would come across as me being the ‘boss’ or not letting him have ideas/opinions etc. This is a madcap idea, but I feel I have to wait for him to work that conclusion out by himself!

Yes that is a very good point so I could always say that!

Just point to all the people who had open plan setups before Covid who were climbing the walls to have separate spaces to house their kids when they were stuck in the same space 24/7.

I have a knocked through front room and dinning room and open plan stairs.

I hate it , it's expensive to heat, the kitchen is tiny so it gets very warm very quickly so I open the door into the dining room and the whole house instantly smells of what ever I am cooking.

As pp said , is he just bored? Can he redo the garden / bedroom instead?

sounds like you want to manipulate him rather than be straightforward and open

Oh dear, maybe he's caught the bug.

A colleague of mine just took up a DIY course at night college and he's loving it. Would he be interested in something like that? He can then put his ideas and inspiration into more practical pursuits. It also might be that he's a bit bored, so that will allow him an outlet, make some new friends and come away with skills in a much more cost effective fashion!

But you went along with him deciding, designing, presumably leading the discussion with the the bank for the loan. He's already had the ideas and opinions. Just because he's screwed it all up and is dissatisfied doesn't mean he gets his own way again without seriously thinking it through so it lasts longer than six months. What would he do if you said no? Stamp his feet and throw stuff, or behave like an adult and admit you are right?

It's not just the cost but the fact you don't really want it done. The amount of money and the inconvenience of the building works mean its only worth it if you both really love the idea.

Sorry this is a hard no.

You’ve recently finished renovating it. You’ve got a loan you need to pay back for that renovation.

He hasn’t priced it up at all it seems (we can get another loan!!!) - if the wall has a chimney stack in it then you’ll need to seal that if it’s not already been done and get an RSJ. So lenders consent, architect or surveyor involved, builders and waiting ages for a good one who isn’t going to leave you in a building site for months, building regs… then the works themselves. Skip on the driveway. Redecoration. Neither kitchen nor dining room fully useable while they do it. Furniture covered up or shoved wherever so it doesn’t end up full of dust. (Everything ends up covered in dust)

You’re pregnant and trying to save to cover maternity and childcare. Do you want to be heavily pregnant or with a small baby and in a house with random builders, plaster everywhere, walls being ripped down and a barely useable kitchen and dining room?

This is a great big steaming pile of Nope!

When he's literally just redesigned the space to his liking? Is he the kind of man who just ploughs ahead with things and turns on you when you raise reasonable objections, instead of operating as a team? I can practically feel your nervousness that he will do what he wants unless you find some surreptitious way to stop him.

It seems obvious that this is a mad scheme that you guys shouldn't be throwing money at in your circumstances. Worrying that he can't just have a reasonable conversation about this and accept your refusal.

Or you could just say no rather than put him through that whole pantomime to say no at the end.
I mean give him reasons like you have given here but don't pretend you are considering it if you aren't

Be careful how you handle this because there are two troubling things about this dynamic:

1 - you sound like the kind of person who gets work done so you can live in a better space afterwards. he sounds like the kind of person who just likes tinkering with things and will never be finished. If he is that kind of person he needs to indulge in his hobby where it will not take up too much money, get into debt, or impact on your convenience and calm in the space you are actually living in.

2 - is there some reason why he hasn't done the maths on this yet? Thought through the costs, the commitments you already have, the discussions you had about the disadvantages of open plan space? no. there is no reason he can't do this. He prefers to make you do it because he enjoys a dynamic where you are the manager and he is the creative. Or where you are the parent and he is the child.

especially given you are about to have an actual child, this will drive you mad over time if you allow it to entrench. You will never get a chance to be playful because he will have polarised your positions to the point where it is incredibly risky to stop managing for one second. He will get to have all the fun, will constantly be pushing for the impossible, and blaming you for "veto"ing his insane ideas

I think the OP knows this which is why she is wary of just saying "no"

Tell him he can do it when you have saved the cash , life throws curved balls & tying yourselves up with an uneccessary loan is madness .

I wouldn't worry about it, chances are it will be full of giant colourful plastic in a few months anyway and he'll be delighted to shut the door.

Or your living room will be full of those things and he'll love the escape.

Regardless of the merits of knocking through, it's not the right time financially. And once his hands are full with a baby I doubt he'll want to tackle even more mess so I'd reckon if you keep him busy with research it will never happen even if you don't say 'no'.

Tip - when my husband has bad ideas (happens occasionally!) I have learned to discuss it in terms of why doing something else (or not doing anything) is better. It's sometimes easy to want to kind of yell 'Oh my God, can't you see that's obviously a terrible idea?!' or words to that effect, but it puts them on the defensive. Just keep re-iterating how lovely the rooms are as is.

And I’m a bit pissed off that the dining room renovation was his idea which I went along with and now he’s not happy. But I can’t just say an outright ‘no’ to him

Why not? Why are you unable to say no, or just going along with expensive house renovations you don't want? I say 'No, that's a stupid idea' all the time to DH, and he to me.