Sibling Resentment Over Family Home

[BoundaryGirl3939]

My family (parents) own two properties. One was bought, the other was inherited and is situated in countryside. Its occupied 50% of the time by my dad. Its a very nice, private, renovated house.
My brother went to live in the inherited property over 10 years ago. His confidence/mental health wasn't great, and he was financially supported by my parents.
5 years ago he met a woman and they hit it off. During the times that my dad was not residing in the property, he would have her stay over.
They went on to build their own property about 2/3 years ago. He invested over 50,000 but we later found out that it was her name on the deeds, bills and mortgage. As you can see, my brother is not v assertive. Their house is about 10 mins away from the 'inherited' home and is also a beautiful home.
For the past year, whenever my dad vacates the 'inherited house', they both move back in like the old days. I find it so strange as they have their own place and it's making me resentful as it's our family home. I spend 2-3 months there every year.
My dad is useless and doesn't want to say anything. He is cowardly and wants2b everyone's best friend.
I'm feeling really angry with my dad, brother and his partner. I know it's not my property but this situation is taking my peace away. I am single and don't own any property myself. I couldn't care less if my brother lived there forever, but when you bring an inlaw into the equation, feelings change.
How can I cope with this horrible situation.

I would honestly see a lawyer.
Get something drawn up.

Get what drawn up? OP has no legal rights here. It's not her house.

A family rota.

What reason do they give for wanting to stay in the family house rather than their own 10 mins away when asked?
I think they are positioning themselves to move in when your parents die too.

A guess is that as a couple they see the other house as "hers" and the family property as "his" having spent so much time there.

As such they are acting as boyfriend/girlfriend who split their time fairly equally between each of their respective "homes".

Yes, I think that's exactly probably how it looks from their POV.

And, as a fellow Irish person who has seen in my own life more RL drama than in John B Keane's entire output over family homes, land etc, it's not in the least an atypical situation for the parents not to want to take control or stir the pot in any way, preferring to leave it to the next generation to sort out the awkward stuff.
This (and unclear or absent wills) is the reason behind half the derelict houses in rural Ireland. My own family home (mother's childhood home) was willed to one child of four, because he was the boy, (while my mother looked after both parents till their deaths in our house) and he has let it decay over the past thirty years, and turned off the water and power to make it impossible for other family members to stay there, despite the fact he's never told them he doesn't want them to. Nothing is ever said directly. Eventually, his son, who lives abroad, will inherit and sell the land. My mother is heartbroken about it all, but refuses to say anything.

Basically, many of us think the OPs suspicions and the "boyfriend"/housing status and their behaviour are based on something more than an uneasy hunch.

Until you have had a toxic person within the family dynamic, it sounds unbelievable. It is not though.

I agree with this. Sometimes I wish this extra property was not here at all as it is causing a headache.

Everything is fine at the moment but it's when my parents pass away that trouble may start.
I want the property to stay as technically my brother doesn't own anything with her and his relationship may not last. I wouldn't mind if he lived there forever. But my gut feeling with her is off.

Yes, sometimes certain things seem so unbelievable that I actually don't believe it myself, and second guess myself. Their behaviour is so brazen that I'm so perplexed and shocked.

This is really sad. It causes so much heartbreak. What is it all for.

They've never been asked outright. I don't think my parents want to rock the boat as he wasn't in a good place for many years and noe they prefer her there than not there.

The scenario for me, sadly, is:

1. Her house and bills ALL in her name. They are unmarried. She has no intention of getting married (yet) Her property and not your brothers.
2. Your brother presumably has medical records with mental health issues/something. Lived at the house as his last legal address. Father pays bills.
3. Parents sadly pass away.
4. Brother is entitled to the house in his lifetime at least as he is reliant on being housed (or something? No idea 100% but there is something about this)
5. She married brother.
6. She divorces brother.
7. Half her home now with easily manipulated brother.
8. She is setting the stage NOW with their claim on the house by staying as @VeraForever says in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation as that is all they are. She with her house and he with his.
9. Your instincts are not off. Stop trying to find ways you might be unreasonable. You are not. I think you are spot on.
10. This other property on the land? All need sorting. All of it.

OP, I think some of the bafflement on this thread is a cultural difference between Irish and English people. Both cultures are indirect, but Irish indirectness is more subtle and long-ranging.

(Having said that, it's a long time since I met an Irish Catholic under the age of 80 who frowned on premarital sex. Unless they belong to one of the Tridentine breakaway groups...)

Your dad needs to change the locks and establish some boundaries. Maybe your mum could move to stay there more often a well.

What’s the inheritance law like in Ireland? Could he claim the house over the rest of you?

It’s s no good saying you don’t mind him living there forever- he will always be free to move in people you don’t like.

Get your dad to clarify things to save trouble later.

What needs to be separated out is what is reasonable and what is not.

• the fact the brother is not married and the OP disapproves in 2024 is not relevant.

• he is entitled to bring his partner to visit.

• the brother and partner treating the home as "his" and taking food/rooms is relevant and not acceptable.

• what is also relevant is that the whole set up is unfair. The OP and brother/partner both use this property a lot in comparison to the other two brothers, especially the one who is disadvantaged as a result of a physical disability.

• arguably the person with the right to the biggest grievance is the one who has a share of a property he cannot access....

Referring to a pp who said this is the reason why so many rural homes fall into disrepair I think it's wise to take this on board.

Does the OP think the brothers who rarely use this property will want to pay to maintain an asset they barely use for the benefit of two siblings?

Personally I find it utterly infuriating why so many people leave this type of mess unresolved prior to their death. It's really selfish but ultimately the property belongs to the parents and if they won't act there is nothing to be done.

All of this except points 2 and 4. He was quite down for years, had dyslexia/dyspraxia and serious lack of confidence/interaction in working world so my dad extra nice to him. No medical records though and nothing diagnosed. Just lost for years.

I dont know if this was his last legal address, or if there is any trace of him in their house. I asked him once if his name was on any bill, and he wasn't too happy and snapped back.

I think she is waiting to see how inheritance will pan out before she legally commits. I think she thinks they have it in the bag, and is making herself at home whilst she waits.

I know I'm in the minority with my views on premarital sex, even in Ireland. Whatever about them doing it in their own house, I don't like the thoughts of it here.

I agree with everything you say. My older brother is currently everything preoccupied with 3 children under the age of 10. Once they are raised, I'm sure he will spend more time in the holiday home. He is just up to his eyeballs right now but that will change.

The disabled brother just doesn't want to be here. He is invited all the time. He will be financially taken care of in the future. He is not at a loss, but yes, he is out of this picture.

I know I'm in the minority with my views on premarital sex, even in Ireland. Whatever about them doing it in their own house, I don't like the thoughts of it here.

Well that's your cross to bear and I'd advise making it an issue as it won't help you address the far more valid points you raise.

Fair enough. I'm just vocalising all my thoughts as I have a chance to do so anonymously and i can gauge whether I'm being reasonable or not. Perhaps I am being unreasonable.

My other brother is not married but he is in a committed relationship with a property owned 50/50 and 3 children. His unmarried status doesn't bother me so I think it's the situation with cheeky brother as a whole that I don't like.

Yes, the pre marital sex is irrelevant. (IMO you are looking to somehow make sense of your suspicions/reassure yourself by thinking YABU. I also did this, but not about sex)

Good there is no official medical records. Huge worry out the way.
One thing I would do is make sure whe you transfer your 80euro a week or whatever you mark it "my payment for stay and bills in family home" on the bank transfer.
There is a reason he got funny about bills at her house. I bet he pays his share in cash.

My other brother is not married but he is in a committed relationship with a property owned 50/50 and 3 children. His unmarried status doesn't bother me so I think it's the situation with cheeky brother as a whole that I don't like.

So you are being inconsistent with your values.

This smacks of blaming the partner of the problem sibling because perhaps you don't want to acknowledge that he is the issue?

He's the one using the property as a daily crash pad and presumably encouraging his partner to view it as his home.

Who takes the food? When they both visit or perhaps the slow cooker gets raided after he drops by to chill after work?

The view is that's she grabby? Maybe she's just bloody sensible in protecting her assets in the face of a partner that brings far less to the relationship than her?

Or is she taking her lead from your brother who has assured her that this is his home?

Frankly it sounds to me like you need a good old family conversation to sort this out and be honest with each other rather than dealing with festering resentment over situations you may have misinterpreted,

Its not your house.

Thank you for your advice BlackStray.

I will park the premarital sex opinion. Legally, I don't think he has any right to holiday home which is a relief.
I do think he pays his share in cash and my questions were hitting a sore nerve. The audacity of the whole situation is mind-boggling. It's very abusive but he allowed it to happen.
She is so chatty and friendly when I meet her, which has confused me for years. I cant figure out her thoughts. I feel gaslit but it's her actions that speak louder than words.

It's sad as if there were boundaries, and my parents spoke up, I may have a better relationship with her.

Yes, most of this is my brothers fault. But they are both eerily similar and both want the same thing.

They both take food. They are worse when they come together as I think he is eager to please her by offering anything.

They used to visit regardless of whether I was there and help themselves. They would take whatever they needed. It was my brothers fault who would offer, but she would also be aware that it wasn't his to offer. I've come back to a fridge with zero milk. They would literally drink the litre for tea/coffee. I have spoken to him about other issues but I will bring up the food issue again.

She is sensible in protecting her assets but she took 50,000 off my brother to get the house built. He is also paying half her mortgage which isn't fair. But he signed up to it.