Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Property/DIY

Join our Property forum for renovation, DIY, and house selling advice.

Original poster

Sibling Resentment Over Family Home

74 replies

BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 16:10

My family (parents) own two properties. One was bought, the other was inherited and is situated in countryside. Its occupied 50% of the time by my dad. Its a very nice, private, renovated house.
My brother went to live in the inherited property over 10 years ago. His confidence/mental health wasn't great, and he was financially supported by my parents.
5 years ago he met a woman and they hit it off. During the times that my dad was not residing in the property, he would have her stay over.
They went on to build their own property about 2/3 years ago. He invested over 50,000 but we later found out that it was her name on the deeds, bills and mortgage. As you can see, my brother is not v assertive. Their house is about 10 mins away from the 'inherited' home and is also a beautiful home.
For the past year, whenever my dad vacates the 'inherited house', they both move back in like the old days. I find it so strange as they have their own place and it's making me resentful as it's our family home. I spend 2-3 months there every year.
My dad is useless and doesn't want to say anything. He is cowardly and wants2b everyone's best friend.
I'm feeling really angry with my dad, brother and his partner. I know it's not my property but this situation is taking my peace away. I am single and don't own any property myself. I couldn't care less if my brother lived there forever, but when you bring an inlaw into the equation, feelings change.
How can I cope with this horrible situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 17:28

thedevilinablackdress · 19/05/2024 17:17

I really don't say this lightly, but you're behaving in quite an immature way. Expecting to be able to enjoy time in a family home without any(?) partners ever(??) being part of the picture.
What if you have nieces/nephews or a partner or children of your own one day? Would they be excluded too?
Or does it all boil down to your dislike of this one person?

I think it does boil down to my dislike of her. Perhaps I am being immature. This post is good to see other perspectives.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 19/05/2024 17:29

It's lovely that a home that's been in the family for generations is such a warm and welcoming escape. It sounds as though it's filled with memories. Everyone feels comfortable there (except, sadly, the brother with the disability).

Can't you be happy that it's a place that's much loved and well used? Rather than a holiday home that sits empty and soul-less?

I sense that much of this is about the partner who you don't appear to like very much. And about the relationship they have which is not formalised by marriage.

Have your parents spoken about a will? Do you think it would put your mind at ease if you knew what the plans are for their estate when they are deceased?

LordSnot · 19/05/2024 17:30

You sound weirder and weirder with each post. You're saying you go to the house and make a meal and these two sneak in and steal it?

Chewbecca · 19/05/2024 17:31

This feels a bit like a Dickensian novel.

What exactly would you like to be different about the situation?

DB & his GF never to sleep in the house? Why do they stay there when they have their own place nearby?

Do you know how the property is described in your parents' wills? Will it be split between the children?

BlackStrayCat · 19/05/2024 17:32

You do not trust her; neither would I.

Original poster
BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 17:34

LordSnot · 19/05/2024 17:30

You sound weirder and weirder with each post. You're saying you go to the house and make a meal and these two sneak in and steal it?

Yes. They do the same to my dad...take whatever food is there.

OP posts:
VeraForever · 19/05/2024 17:35

I'd be concerned that your brother is trying to stamp some sort of right over the property, should anything unfortunate happen to your dad.

A rota should be drawn up. I expect your brother won't accept that?

Original poster
BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 17:37

Gazelda · 19/05/2024 17:29

It's lovely that a home that's been in the family for generations is such a warm and welcoming escape. It sounds as though it's filled with memories. Everyone feels comfortable there (except, sadly, the brother with the disability).

Can't you be happy that it's a place that's much loved and well used? Rather than a holiday home that sits empty and soul-less?

I sense that much of this is about the partner who you don't appear to like very much. And about the relationship they have which is not formalised by marriage.

Have your parents spoken about a will? Do you think it would put your mind at ease if you knew what the plans are for their estate when they are deceased?

I think your outlook is correct. I need to be happy that it is being used and loved. I need to park bad feelings.

The property is Dublin will be split 4 ways (Thank God). I am assuming same thing will happen to this one so I need to let it go. Or that it will be left open as holiday home.

OP posts:
Bumblebeeinatree · 19/05/2024 17:40

Where does the father stay when he is out of the house?

Original poster
BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 17:40

BlackStrayCat · 19/05/2024 17:32

You do not trust her; neither would I.

Yes, I wish I liked her but I feel too many boundaries have been crossed for me to want to build a relationship. Sometimes I don't know if I'm being immature but I feel she has imposed herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 17:42

Bumblebeeinatree · 19/05/2024 17:40

Where does the father stay when he is out of the house?

In the house he purchased with my mother in Dublin where he worked most of his life. The inherited house is where he is originally from so he alternates between the two now that he is retired.

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 19/05/2024 17:45

You wonder why your brother likes spending time at this house when he has another.
But both you and your father do the same. I know you don't live quite so nearby, but can you meet see that what draws you there, draws him there?

BlackStrayCat · 19/05/2024 17:46

@VeraForever is right, I think. They are trying to stamp their mark.

They definitely are. I mean taking other peoples food and sleeping in other peoples beds? Crazy. I think I might check with a lawyer. To put my mind at rest.(although I think it is all psychological/manipulative tbh.)

Your religon is irrelevant IMO. I would hate this and I am agnostic!

thedevilinablackdress · 19/05/2024 17:47

Your religion is irrelevant IMO. I would hate this and I am agnostic

OP mentioned it as being the reason for not liking her brother and his partner sharing a bed unmarried.

BlackStrayCat · 19/05/2024 17:48

She did: she is trying to fathom it all and wondering if it is her. I am saying it is not!

ajandjjmum · 19/05/2024 17:50

Can you not meet with your siblings - obviously with the support of your parents - and agree some rules?

BlackStrayCat · 19/05/2024 17:54

I am in the middle of a highly contentious situation. So, quite possibly seeing the really dark side of (badly behaved/toxic) family.

But:
brother has NO HOME legally: he is not on the deeds with his "partner".
brother has used the family home as HIS in the past (like my brother!). Last registered address.
Everyone else has home or rents in their name.

Has the brother got more rights to the home and she knows this and deliberately omits him from the deeds? Then marries him?

Honestly, this could, as I have said, be due to what I have experienced recently.

Or she could be a prime manipulator.

MuskerHounds · 19/05/2024 17:54

I'd stop thinking of it as an 'inherited home' or as your family home.

It's a house that belongs to your parents.

BreadInCaptivity · 19/05/2024 17:56

thedevilinablackdress · 19/05/2024 17:45

You wonder why your brother likes spending time at this house when he has another.
But both you and your father do the same. I know you don't live quite so nearby, but can you meet see that what draws you there, draws him there?

Edited

A guess is that as a couple they see the other house as "hers" and the family property as "his" having spent so much time there.

As such they are acting as boyfriend/girlfriend who split their time fairly equally between each of their respective "homes".

This is why they act with so much entitlement (taking food/rooms) because in their heads the interlopers are his father/siblings.

But it's not his home. It's a family retreat and needs to be respected as such.

My thoughts remain the same in that your parents need to assert some boundaries and expectations because I fear when they are gone your brother and partner will move in full time and your only course of action will be to sell to get any benefit from being a part owner.

That said I see no reason not to address the issue of your food being taken irrespective of what your parents decide. I'd be half tempted to visit their home, open the fridge and take whatever I fancied....

BlackStrayCat · 19/05/2024 17:56

I think the point is that the woman is acting extremely oddly.

maxelly · 19/05/2024 17:57

Yeah I think putting aside all your feelings (reasonable or otherwise) about the partner and the food stealing and everything else, shared family holiday houses are really quite hard to make work. Arguments about who uses it when, cleaning, upkeep/maintenance, improvements, money are inevitable. DH's family have a holiday house abroad that's been in the family for ages so people are attached to it but it causes no end of grief and they're all very reasonable, sensible people otherwise. I think if I was your parents while I might not care to cause WW3 during my lifetime I think I'd be stipulating the property is to be sold after my death and divided 4 ways (or if any of the kids wanted it for themselves they could buy the others out then have the right to set rules for the others using it). Otherwise the cheeky local brother and his partner are clearly going to move themselves in full time, OP and the other brother and family will be reduced to visitor status and the disabled brother will see no benefit at all which hardly seems fair...

Toastiecroissant · 19/05/2024 17:58

It’s hard to see what you’re angry about.
you stay at a house that doesn’t belong to you
db also stays at a house that doesn’t belong to him

you don’t want her to stay in your family house but it’s not your house, and is she not family really?

why are you chasing your brother for money for your dad? I don’t understand why you’re so involved.

you say you want the house for all of you to split as a holiday home, but since two of your brothers don’t really / can’t use it that’s not true.

you are also being weird about premarital sex and another female in the house and forbidding her to be there but he’s free to hang out as much as he wants. Very odd.

regardless you have a free holiday home that you stay in for several months a year. I think calling it a horrible situation is a bit much.

BlackStrayCat · 19/05/2024 17:58

@BreadInCaptivity yes. you explained it better!

viques · 19/05/2024 17:58

BoundaryGirl3939 · 19/05/2024 17:26

I know it's common place but I guess they've been together 5 years now. He would marry tomorrow if he could. She doesn't want to. All assets in her name so she is smart. Guys can be stringed along too.

Show quote history

From what you have said about your brothers health and financial issues over the last few years I wonder if his girlfriend has contributed considerably to the building of their house, which would explain why it is in her name.

I don’t understand the issues of the beds, are you horrified that they might be having s e x in the family home sacred beds, if so grow up, they live together, it’s 2024. If they don’t strip the beds when they stay then take your own sheets, strip the bed they have used if you want to use it , make it with your own bedding and take it home with you when you leave, leave the other sheets for them to wash .

maxelly · 19/05/2024 18:01

But ultimately it's your parents house so it's up to them to decide how it's used now and also what happens after they're gone. If they want to let your cheeky brother ultimately have first dibs and treat the place how he likes them I don't think you can really do much, just expect them to be there being annoying and adjust your own expectations accordingly, you could always stay somewhere else for your holidays and not deal with them at all?