Where and how should we live?

[WobbleHead]

I feel squashed in the middle of a dilemma that feels unsolvable.

DH and I have one DS who is 2.5. He will be an only child, so I'd like to move from where we currently live in SE London to somewhere closer to Cardiff, where his cousins live.

I work in Reading (but very WFH, only have to go in once a fortnight). DH works in the City 3 days a week, and doesn't want a monster / super expensive commute. (However, his job is currently becoming unstable due to restructuring plans).

My elderly parents live near Tunbridge Wells. They visit us to see DS in London every week and I'm feeling the drive is getting a bit much for my dad. I'd like to be much closer to them to support them as they age. They currently don't want to move.

How do we choose where to live? Currently DH isn't being very constructive or helpful, my parents don't want to engage. The clock is ticking as we would have to be in situ to apply for a primary school space by the end of 2025 which isn't a massively long time to visit towns, see schools and sell our house in London.

What would you do?

massive move for cousins? i take it you’re very close to your siblings?

I'd like to be much closer to them to support them as they age.

well then rule out cardiff

Oh also - dripfeed - I think my relationship with DH is over and we would need to figure out co-parenting in the mix of all this too.

Yes - I'm close to my brother. I'm sad my DS will be an only. DH said no to number 2.

Why on Earth would you want to move closer to Cardiff when your DPs are in Tunbridge Wells and your DH has to be in City three days a week? That would be madness! Either stay in London or move closer to your DPs and leave Cardiff out of it. But if you need to be in Reading once a fortnight I'd honestly stay either in London or close to the Elizabeth line.

Does your husband have any family he’d like to be near?

Maybe somewhere on the M4 corridor that’s on the Elizabeth Line so easy commute to the city?

How often do you see your cousins? I don’t think you can do everything, if you see them once a month then maybe just suck up the drive. Closer to your parents may be better as they’re getting older so they can spend more time with your child. Somewhere in North Kent that has a good train link, Bromley/Sidcup etc?

oh fgs

that isn’t a drip feed. that’s the entire crux of the thread

That’s a big dripped!! Definitely not near Cardiff then if you’ll have to coparent! Your child will spend most of his time in the car. I think north Kent is your best bet, but cheaper too if you need to buy 2 houses/flats. I don’t know much about Bromley or Sidcup but a few people from work with children live there and seem to like it.

Twells to the west is always a bit of a pain (same with SE London).

If you do split, where will work for both of you? Where are his family? If you have two households will it be possible for him to spend that much time with cousins if you’re not super close location wise to them?

Sevenoaks - near your parents, London and your office is reachable by M25. Cardiff for holidays

DH family is in Stafford - he sees them a few times a year.

Good point on coparenting and less time to see cousins anyway...

I've reached the point where I feel my relationship is over but logistics are so difficult that we may as well soldier on together and buy the next family home together. DH would like to do it that way, but the thought of it upsets me.

OP, six months ago I would have said there must be a compromise, a workable solution for you but life has thrown up so much trauma for me, leaving me so intolerably trapped, that I can understand why you feel you must soldier on. I’m so sorry and wish you well. 💐

I think you need to sort out your marriage first before you consider moving

you sound all over the place

Ah. I have tried, but my husband hasn't really tried. We live quite separate lives now really. I'm not sure I have it in me to love him again, because he's let me down emotionally so often.

Can you say more about what you want- country or city? What sort of atmosphere? How do you spend your spare time? What's your budget?

Your key decision is west or south. In your shoes, and given that you work in Reading, I'd look at the countryside around there- the area to the north of Reading is lovely and is convenient both for travelling into London and getting on the M4 west.

But you also need to make a decision about your relationship as that's going to effect so much, including what you can afford.

Does your current location and house size work for you and you are happy with the schools? If so then stay where you are.

The dilemma isn't unsolvable. But if you want to feel like you have the opportunity of a 'different life' then you have to be brave and make decisions. Who are you trying to please, because you won't please everyone and there will be upset. So decide if you want to try to be in control of the situation or just let things happen. Just my opinion obvs.
Move where you want and let the others 'dance' around you. Again imho you'd be mad to tie yourself in with your husband if the relationship is over. It doesn't even sound like you are friends.

In your shoes I would want to move closer to your parents, perhaps especially if your marriage really is over, as they can support you as much as you support them. But if it isn't over, your DH's commute would be fine from there IMO.

Tunbridge Wells is a lovely place and good for families and schools from what I can gather. Yes, you will see less of the cousins, but your DS will make loads of friends when he starts school.

What about... Not moving?

It seems like you're at a bit of a crossroads. I think the last thing you should do is up sticks. SE London sounds great for you guys. I'd stay there while you work things out, whatever that looks like. Maybe just look for somewhere that's within easier reach of Tunbridge Wells, but still gives you easy access to the city and transport links. Keep an eye on the long term, i.e. the strong possibility that you'll need to have two affordable households in close proximity.

Cardiff is not hard to get to from London - you just need to carve out time for family trips. People often move "nearer" family, meaning actually an hour away from them, and then end up not seeing them any more often than they would have done anyway.

I've reached the point where I feel my relationship is over but logistics are so difficult that we may as well soldier on together and buy the next family home together. DH would like to do it that way, but the thought of it upsets me.

This is so not a matter for the Property section. It's now about where you live, but all about the how. It's madness to buy the next family home together in this situation. Your relationship is over, whether he likes it or not. Better to separate and restructure how you live and co-parent while your DC is still young rather than make things way more complicated with house purchase, moves, schools etc.

(Good luck and of course repost in Relationships about the real issue if you need to, and come back here for the Property stuff - not that I'm policing where you post, hope it doesn't sound like that. Just that this is a big one and not really about geography etc)

you are massively jumping the gun

address marriage. first and foremost as that drives everything

and i can’t fathom that there’s really any logic to cardiff

Cardiff is out because your ageing parents are in T. Wells and you have to either jointly parent or co-parent with a man who works in London. Also it is mad to make work commute harder just for proximity to cousins.

I suggest:

1. Move nearer to your parents.
2. Sort out what is happening with your marriage.
3. Revisit once either re-committed or separated.

No worries pinkdelight - I guess I'm avoiding seeing this as a relationships issue because there's an inevitable outcome to that, I guess I am in denial a bit.