Where and how should we live?

[WobbleHead]

I feel squashed in the middle of a dilemma that feels unsolvable.

DH and I have one DS who is 2.5. He will be an only child, so I'd like to move from where we currently live in SE London to somewhere closer to Cardiff, where his cousins live.

I work in Reading (but very WFH, only have to go in once a fortnight). DH works in the City 3 days a week, and doesn't want a monster / super expensive commute. (However, his job is currently becoming unstable due to restructuring plans).

My elderly parents live near Tunbridge Wells. They visit us to see DS in London every week and I'm feeling the drive is getting a bit much for my dad. I'd like to be much closer to them to support them as they age. They currently don't want to move.

How do we choose where to live? Currently DH isn't being very constructive or helpful, my parents don't want to engage. The clock is ticking as we would have to be in situ to apply for a primary school space by the end of 2025 which isn't a massively long time to visit towns, see schools and sell our house in London.

What would you do?

Lots of food for thought everyone, thank you

If you’re going to be a single parent, your earning potential is paramount. Prioritise moving somewhere where you’ll have maximum career opportunities (hopefully with flexible working). I’d assume London tops the list.

Alternatively, move to your parents town so you get time with them, help with childcare, can help them as they age - with maximum logistical ease? Good luck!

Bit of a curveball, but do you think your parents might move to/towards Cardiff if you & your DB are out that way?

However, I agree with other PPs, you need to sort out your relationship before looking to move.

Tunbridge Wells is lovely, a good investment too, easy to London Bridge.
Look now and move before your parents get any older and to get into school of your choice.

Tunbridge Wells is as near to "London" as some parts of London are to the other parts! London is a big baggy monster. It generally takes me an hour to get from West London to South East London on public transport, for example.

Definitely this. Either work on your marriage or start planning your seperation.

I wouldn’t be moving for cousins as they get older the kids may not even like each other.

You also might find it might draw out some issues into the open if you can make a change of some sort and set a boundary....ie..I've had enough, I want to move to Tunbridge Wells, and I am making plans to do this, what your thoughts DH on this and if you don't have any constructive ones, I'm moving anyway.
These thoughts of "moving" are a cry for help...let him hear it.

Well the relationship ending might make the "where to move to?" question a bit simpler to answer as you can just try and please yourself, within reason. I'm sorry though, it sounds miserable.

I think if you're close to your parents and you want to support them as they get older then moving closer to them is worth consideration. It is incredibly stressful trying to support an elderly person from even a 45 minute drive away. But possibly more stressful being nearer if they get really demanding. I would think very carefully about moving closer though if the load is going to fall solely on you and not other siblings or relatives.

I don't really understand the pull of the cousins, but I don't have any. Are you grasping at Cardiff because it feels like an escape? Understandable if you are.

I don't know why you want to move tbh. SE London sounds like the ideal location with the information you have given us. And paying moving costs and stamp duty to buy with someone who you don't want to be in a relationship with?? Madness.

Stay put OP. Figure out your relationship. Once this is sorted, sell up and buy your own place in south London or down towards where you parents are.

I've got an only child and so does my sibling. We lived 12 miles apart and It was great meeting up weekly and them playing together and staying over. But when they started going to school, they each made their own friends and drifted apart as teenagers.

So, don't base your decision on the cousins' future relationship.

As others have said, you should stay put and sort out your own relationship with your partner. It seems dead, so separate and eventually divorce. Once you have clarity with that, your decisions about your child, your parents and your own personal needs (which you appear to be neglecting when thinking only about others), will be a lot easier.