WTF do I do now? Ex won't accept offer on our house

[Headspinning09]

I'm up shit creek, and don't know what to do.

My EP and I split in October. We own our lovely 4 bed house in a popular area. He wanted to stay in the house and buy me out but delayed and delayed for months before finally admitting he couldn't raise the mortgage to afford it. We had almost agreed on a buy out of £165k, the minimum I needed to rehouse myself and two young DC. We can't agree in child arrangements. He sees our split as me "taking his kids away" dispite all evidence to the contrary. He worked out the link between CMS and percentage of time with the kids very early. So is gunning for 50/50 which won't work for the children.

So this month he begrudgingly agreed to put the house for sale, it's been up for 3 days and we've just had an offer of 98.5% of the asking from a 1st time buyer which means my equity is worth £172.5k. Insane in this market!! I want to accept, or else try to get the buyer to go up to 99% which I'm sure he will.

The XP is now saying he won't accept anything less than the FULL ASKING PRICE AND He won't accept any offer until we have a custody agreement in place for the arrangement he wants. I know if we go back with that the buyer will pull out. I suspect he wants the house to stay on the market until Sept when our childcare fees go down and he may be able to afford a buy out.

I am so furious there could actually be steam coming from my ears. What on earth do I do now? P.s murder isn't an option sadly..

Are you sure you're not both being unreasonable? If he would be more likely to get a mortgage in Sept can you not hang on? Or is he also still living in the house at the moment?

If he wants 50/50, would having the house in Sept make this easier for arrangements? Just looking at it from the his side, if he can retain the family house and also provide 50/50 care isn't that what's best for the DC?

I don't condone his method of bargaining by the way, by holding the sale to ransom. I just wonder if some mediation might help.

He's absolutely holding the sale to ransom. All part of his need to have control. I'm not being unreasonable. I've waited 5 months for him to come to terms with our split and what it will mean for both of us. I cannot wait until September, that would be awful for everyone. Our split has been acrimonious and it's effecting our children terribly. We need to be out of this situation. He's still in the house.

Also we tried mediation. He charmed the mediator and we achieved nothing.

A judge can enforce a house sale, they can also agree to a price on behalf on Ex which takes away his ability to refuse a sale. Go see a solicitor and ask them about the court process, fees and length of time.

I'm not sure it would be entirely unreasonable to wait until Sept either, but that needs to be a clearly discussed and agreed plan.

To clear up any doubt, my x is on 6 figures. He can get a mortgage easily, just not one that means he can stay in our 4 bedroom house.

He worked out the link between CMS and percentage of time with the kids very early. So is gunning for 50/50 which won't work for the children.

So are you offering him the majority of the time with the kids or have you worked out the link too?

If the house has only been up for sale for 3 days, no judge is going to force a sale because one party wants to wait a bit longer and see if they can achieve the asking price

Taking the emotion out of it OP, on paper it doesn't seem particularly unreasonable that your ex wants to hold on until September to see if he can keep the house rather than sell it. Realistically if you sold sometime in March/April, for example, it'd likely be June/July before completion anyway.

I agree with this.

Also OP's stance that he charmed the mediator, probably just means he was being more reasonable than OP....?

It's very unfair for you to say that about the mediator @Calculuses.

Maybe the nasty mediator refused to validate her desires to murder him.

It does seem reasonable to me to try and wait until September. As another poster has mentioned that would be beneficial to the children, to keep the family home. It would mean so much less disruption for them if 50% of the time they were still with Dad in the original home.
Try to think of your children rather than your own frustration and hurt.

Unfair to whom? I'm saying the mediator probably called it right.

If you are feeling furious, perhaps you need to work on that emotion in order to try and give your kids some closure. You are separating; the amount of time left in which he can truly control you is running out. Hold onto that thought, and don’t let your anger create an atmosphere that’s unbearable for your kids - seems like making the household uncomfortable is not going to drive your DH to move faster.

As for 50:50 childcare if you can achieve it, then it can be fantastic for the kids, especially if they can still keep their old bedrooms etc, that familiarity will help with that feeling of the world being turned upside-down. And ultimately if your kids are miserable and struggling and end up resenting how you manage this separation, you’ll end up with damaged relationships and a lot of regret.

It’s really not long until September. Could your exDP find somewhere else to stay in the short term or over the summer, or could you? So that at least you aren’t in each other’s faces the entire week?

50/50 child care really is not always fantastic for kids! He’s earning 6 figures £. He’s not got the time for 50/50 parenting. He’s deluded and it’s not fair to offer it. He’s very likely to need wrap around care or he’ll ask op to do it. Judges think this is ok now by the way! Women gets to do even more to help the man out. Be realistic about what childcare he can actually do and an agreement to sell means just that.

A mediator doesn’t set the selling price. No one can move on and partner knows this. I would see a solicitor for advice. These issues could be never ending! Or give him 50% of the valuation and you take the hit. Gets him out of your hair. I would take the hit on those sums @Headspinning09

I would do this too, OP. My parents were in a similar position jointly owning a property with a parent.

You can effectively "buy him out" by taking a slightly lower cut of the proceeds, so he still achieves walking away with 50% of full asking price.

I'm not sure how long it would take to force a sale, but I suspect it might take several months. Everything is horrifically slow with both house sales and court stuff. Maybe try and tell yourself that the better offer you get, the more he has to pay to buy you out? So keep the house on the market, have a proper chat with him about the mortgages, and then maybe aim to buy your own house in September, when his mortgage comes good? Totally appreciate that continuing to live in a house is not what you want, but it may realistically be the best option for you all. You have my sympathies though - shitty situation.

If the house has only been up for sale for 3 days, no judge is going to force a sale

Perhaps i should have clarified. If OP believes he is likely to keep blocking the sale (even in September) then she should explore this option. If she believes he will only block until September and then suddenly turn into a reasonable human being then sure, she might have to suck it up. But since he has already fucked around with delaying tactics I suspect he won't suddenly turn into a reasonable human being.

Mediation is not suitable where one person is considered to be abusive. Abusive people can be very charming when they think it's to their (controlling) advantage.

Sometimes it's better for the children to not have 50% of the time in their original home, sometimes it's better if mum and dad both have a new home. My friend is going through this and her kids need closure from dad moving to a new house. He's using the house as a way of keeping power over her.

By some miracle, he saw sence and accepted the offer. Yet I don't feel any relief, as I'm sure he has another trick up his sleeve to impede the sale further down the line, or try to drag it out till he can afford the buy out.

As someone has said, he is absolutely using this to control me, he always needs feel that he's in charge.

Regarding the 50/50 he wants, does the court (should it go that way) consider each parent's ability to actually provide 50/50 care themselves - not using backup care, or relatives help? He's insisting it's his 'right' and entitlement' to half the time with our DC, but I don't believe he could cope and his work wouldn't allow for it, and clearly neither does he. I found out his mother is planning to move to the UK and live with him to help. What does that say?

He sees this entirely from his point of view of his 'rights as a father', and not from the view of what arrangements are in the DCs best interests and what we can each provide to them at this point in their very young lives. Bfeeding our baby for example, is no longer important, according to him.

Good news that he's agreed to the sale so take comfort from that. As to his mum helping him out with the childcare, that sounds eminently suitable to me and would help give them some stability when he's at work. The breastfeeding is neither here no there with regard to his mother as that's something he won't be providing anyway. I'd try and take it a step at a time as emotions are obviously fraught on both sides and, without being alarmist, house sales do fall through further along the line. Good luck.

Just hope he doesn't pull out of signing/ exchanging contract. Because that is quite common in cases like this.

Regarding the 50/50 he wants, does the court (should it go that way) consider each parent's ability to actually provide 50/50 care themselves - not using backup care, or relatives help? He's insisting it's his 'right' and entitlement' to half the time with our DC, but I don't believe he could cope and his work wouldn't allow for it, and clearly neither does he. I found out his mother is planning to move to the UK and live with him to help. What does that say?

what it says is he is planning to care for his children, putting wheels in motion to have someone there before and after school, in their own home.

I had to use, nursery care then after school care as a resident parent. If my ex had wanted 50/50 he would have had to do the same - but pay the fees. Instead he wanted EoW. So I paid all the fees for child care.

the advantage of having live in grandma is when the child is sick, you won’t miss work

"Regarding the 50/50 he wants, does the court (should it go that way) consider each parent's ability to actually provide 50/50 care themselves - not using backup care, or relatives help?"

Surely he is their parent and entitled to have 50% custody if he can manage it. They are just as much his children as yours
Does it really matter if he asks their grandmother to help out with wraparound care? Plenty of women and working parents rely on grandparents for childcare. Is it really reasonable for a court to say otherwise?

It's quite common on Mumsnet to have complaints about feckless father's abrogating their responsibilities. Your ex wants to main tain the best relationship with them he can and already lining his ducks up and you want a court to say nope not happening?

A lot of parents rely on family for childcare. It all depends on how much he is relying on it. If they're staying with their grandparents Monday-Friday and he's only seeing them on weekends that's different from grandparents collecting from school and looking after them for a couple of hours until dad is home or dad using wrap around care. Just because you are available 24/7 doesn't necessarily mean you'll be awarded full custody. I think it is important that kids get to spend equal time with both parents unless there are safety reasons why that can't be the case. Most courts will award 50:50 unless they have good reason not to. The use of wrap around care will unlikely be deemed as a good reason.

I can understand why he wants to have the parenting schedule agreed as it's possible that the main carer will be awarded a higher percentage of the equity as they will be housing the kids the majority of the time. I see he's agreed to the sale now so hopefully that's a good sign. Now you need to come to an agreement about childcare. Courts require you to attend mediation first but if you've already done that and couldn't come to an agreement then you should apply to court for a court order.

Like a few others have pointed out, you seem to be very angry and emotional at the moment which if course is understandable, but this will possibly cause you problems in court. Try to take your feelings out of it and focus on what's right for the children, accepting that that includes a fair amount of time with their dad.

He’s earning 6 figures £. He’s not got the time for 50/50 parenting. He’s deluded and it’s not fair to offer it. He’s very likely to need wrap around care

I earn just shy of that, my ex earns more. We do 50/50 and we ‘have time for it.’ I pick up twice a week from school and he does once. There’s nothing wrong with wrap around care - and it’s not dependent on whether parents are together