I'm so sick of our "do-er upper" house. I can't see a way forward.

[AbsolutelyCrushed]

We moved from a one-bed flat to a two-bed house during lockdown. It's got a converted basement and attic, too. It's within walking distance to town. Big garden. We had plans.

The sale took forever; we missed the stamp duty holiday and I was 38 weeks pregnant when we moved in. DH ripped out all the carpets as he hated them and didn't know how clean they were; so the flooring has always been partially wood, with lots of chipboard inserts.

He half-stripped the stairs and never finished it.

Ripped up the garden; which is now 100ft of soil. He's done bit projects - removing loads of bamboo, laying cement to move a shed, selling four other sheds on the marketplace; but it's still a lot of soil, it needs a lot of love.

The cost of getting downstairs looked at to turn it into my study rocketed; as did having a dormer fitted upstairs to make it our room, so we're in a room that's too small, with clothes everywhere as they don't all fit in the drawers. We need a new kitchen, but can't agree or sign off on the design. It's all so fucking expensive now.

The worst bit about it for me is that it's cold. There are no radiators in the open plan kitchen/living room, just a log burner. We've now had plumbers around for three days straight, and they've just left as they can't find a way to run pipe to the radiators they've fitted to the walls. There's cement under two layers of floorboard, apparently, and no way through it. Our only option would be to run it from the closest radiator, but that would have to go through a door and be visible along a long wall.

I know worse things are happening in the world, and we have somewhere to call "home", and we're all alright. And some of it might be trauma from other areas of life, which I'm struggling with right now. But man, I cannot see how we get this looking anywhere near where we need it to be. Doing anything costs a fortune and then 90% of the time it doesn't come off, for whatever reason.

I wish he'd left everything alone so we could sell it.

(To head off any comments about why I haven't - A combination of a baby, a full-time job, a side business and a physical disability).

Ripping up all the carpets was a mistake we made too. Now I know to focus on one room at a time. That’s what I suggest for you: focus on getting one room beautiful and cosy, so that you have somewhere to retreat to. Then the two of you need to sit down with pens, paper and spreadsheets and work out what your priorities are and how they align with your budget. It will all take longer than you envisaged when you moved in but it will be worth it.

I'm in the same boat, a year in and maybe 60% finished. I got so sick of waiting for DH to finish things he's started I took over some of it and used YouTube to learn how to do things. I taught myself how to plaster, refinished the wood floors myself with a belt sander (wish I'd rented a floor sander in retrospect, it was a horrible job). I did a terrible job the first time, got better as I went along and actually just went back and redid the first room I'd worked on. Agree it's best to do one room at a time, but if the carpets are already gone make a spreadsheet, list every existing task that's already been started and prioritise those. We're leaving the kitchen as the last thing we do because it's the room most important to both of us and want to do it right without worrying about other jobs

Seriously OP you and your husband need to start being a bit more practical and stop expecting quick, perfection in this house.

I bought a 3 bed house 4 months ago that needed much more work than I expected.

I had little DIY experience but ended doing a lot of stuff myself like painting the entire house, removing all the carpets, sanding the wood flooring underneath (including on the stairs) and then painting the floors with floor paint. I did not replace the kitchen, instead I painted all the units with a new, fresher colour and also did the wall tiles.

You need a make a list of what you/your husband can do yourself, what is the most urgent and what needs to be left to professionals.

My house is quite old so when I had a full rewiring done in places the electricians chose not to drill into the walls and instead the some cables run on the walls and nicely covered with a strong white encasing and it does not bother me at all.

It really does not matter if some of your central heating pipes have to be external, they also can be covered with something if needed.

I had no central heating for 2 months. I got a couple of electric heaters and one of these electric stove (the one with the 'flames') for the living room.

I think I also had to really accept that my house would not be perfect and that has it is a period property that had not been maintained for a while there are some ongoing jobs to do and it will be like that for a while. That was the big turning point for me.

Most of my furniture and decoration are from charity shops and are things that have up-cycled myself.

The gardens are really not a priority for me for now, getting the house sorted is the most important thing. I will worry about the gardens in the spring....

Lists are your very best friend with house renovations! We're 3 years in and things are looking pretty good now but there has been a fair bit of despair along the way, the following tips helped keep me sane.

One list for big jobs, one list for small jobs, everything costed. Plan and budget for the big jobs and have them in priority order- have a rough idea when you can afford them so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Plan and budget and allocate time for the small jobs you can do yourself, if life is hectic try and set aside just a couple of hours each weekend so that you can get jobs ticked off, I.e. painting one wall, stripping one door, putting up some shelves. Ticking off the jobs is one of life's great pleasures.

One room at a time as much as possible! Once rooms start being 'completed' you will feel so much better. Try and always keep your bedroom tidy and rubble free, even if it isn't finished, so that you have a safe place to escape to when the rest of the house gets too much.

We really focused our time on our garden to the detriment of the house, possibly not the best idea, but it brings us a lot of joy and was a place I could go and sit when I'd had enough of the building site. Also great for getting the little one out of the dust whilst work is ongoing. What is your plan for the soil, do you want to lay turf? Cost it out and get it planned if its bothering you and you can afford it, if you don't get it laid before mid spring it would be best to wait until Autumn so that's a full summer of soil.

Work parties. Cook a load of food (or order in if you can afford it), get a load of beer in, invite your friends over for a house renovation party. Ask for it to be considered as a Christmas/birthday present if you feel cheeky, in my experience they are fun and people love to help. I've really enjoyed helping friends with their projects and they've been so helpful for us.

Don't be shy to put your foot down. Your husband sounds enthusiastic but I think needs to be a bit more organised. I am lucky that my husband is very handy with building work which has saved us a lot of money, but we would still be covered in plaster without my sense of direction aka telling him what to do and not to do with the big jobs 🤣 It will be worth it, sounds like a great property. You can do this!

Also just to add, we have exposed radiator pipes and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. You can box them, paint them or buy wrap tubing if it bothers you. I don't understand why it would need to go through a door though, that does sound awful, why can't you put a hole in the wall next to the door?

Some days are tougher than others! I think when you're feeling positive/more positive then sit down and prioritise. We have exposed pipes and they look great, surely there's a way to have them without going through the door, can't they put them through a wall instead? We have them exposed but then they drilled a hole in the wall between our study and living room and ran the pipes through it, then used a bit of plaster and polyfilled to neaten it up. They're brass colour and actually look nice in a period house, in keeping. Until then buy an oil filled electric radiator on amazon for fifty quid and keep yourself and the kids warm, it'll improve your mood! Also light the fire every morning and log burners chuck out a lot of heat, you can get night briquettes to keep it running over night so it's not freezing first thing too.
I'd say after central heating it's the floors, either put a cheap one down to keep you going or spend the time and prioritise the budget on getting what you want.
Then look at storage, can you utilise cupboards on the landing, or in the children's rooms (my wedding dress lives in my sons cupboard, he has more storage than in our room). Also have a big sort out, and get rid of stuff you don't wear.
Then get your room how you want it, painting is a quick and cheap win to make it feel nice.
I'd say the dormers and the basement office are nice to haves and can wait till you've saved up a bit, and will be great projects to add value once you're settled in.
When I feel low about house projects I take to Pinterest and use the inspiration there to cheer me up. It does take ages, it does cost loads, it is horrid (I had a cardboard kitchen floor for 11 months) but now my house (other than 2 bathrooms) is exactly how I want it, because I did it all myself - and that's worth a lot to me! You'll be so proud when it's all sorted. Alternatively, sort out the floors, give it some paint, get it looking ok cosmetically and look to sell so you're at least not making a loss/can afford to buy something you do like.

It sounds like bad choices, lack of commitment and biting off more than you can chew.

We are also buying a doer-up (taking forever) and have all the plans and budget in place already. If things go over budget we have wiggle room and prioritization lists.

For instance the garden in the house we are buying is AWFUL (a health and safety death trap as is). It has potential but its looking at being the most expensive change to the whole house project. It will be dropped if needed and we just won't use the outside until we save enough to do it.

Priority is Bathroom/Kitchen first (as they are BAD and non functional with my disability) and then wallpaper stripping a bit of plaster skimming and basic paint in the living room/playroom to make it not look like a slum. Then adding an upstairs bathroom for practicality (we can cut back to the bare basics if needed). Then if we haven't gone over budget ripping out the wood chip walls in the long hallways/stairs (ugly but livable) and sorting the garden.

You didn't need to rip out carpets because you 'don't know how clean they are' (second time I have seen someone use that bizarre argument on mumsnet, you don't need new carpets when you move over 'cleanliness' fears). You shouldn't have done it until ready to replace them.

You also should NEVER start one project without finishing the previous one and ask yourself was the garden really a priority over the living spaces?

Your DH clearly can't handle it and you need professionals in.

I suggest you go buy carpets/lino/laminate etc... (even the cheapest ones is better than nothing) and see how much a fitter costs.

Ignore the garden.

Look into how much you need to fix your bedroom/office situation (just the most basic fix nothing fancy) and start saving (or if you have money get quotes and crack on with actual pro's who will finish the job).

You can’t “work hard” to get your way out of this. You need to throw money at it.

Get a bank loan and complete the work. Pay the loan off asap once complete.

Honestly? Having a pile of crap house that’s not liveable will continue to damage your MH. It’s not worth it.

Accept that work costs more now and get it done.

Do not allow your husband to work on the fucking garden when there is no heating or flooring. That’s just ridiculous and is essentially busy work that won’t solve the problem.

And if your husband complains then let him know that divorce is pricier than radiators and a carpet because that’s where you’re headed.

The other thing I suggest is before you do it up you do it up enough to live in it now. We did up our sitting room, paint, carpet shift furniture around for a better layout etc but it was one of the rooms completely done 5 years later in the refurb. You still have to live now and your environment affects your mental health badly. Get it in liveable state for now and then do it up bit by bit.

Renovating is really bloody hard and it can be soul destroying. You have my sympathies, we’ve got a fixer upper and my partner is also not a natural finisher 😂

I’d suggest sitting down with your husband and agreeing what your top priorities are and then focusing your money and time on that. We’re renovating and we do this every month or so because otherwise you end up with random things done that don’t yield enough benefit/pleasure.

If I was you I’d park the garden for now, you can’t use it much for a chunk of the year and the house you spend most of your time in is more important.

If there’s no central heating option, could you have a plug in electric heater fixed to the wall? They can be a bit more expensive to run but you’ll save on wood. Rooms without heating hugely impact on how you feel and they impact on the saleability of a property.

I know you said if you dropped one thing it would be the renovation but it also sounds like that’s not an option - could you reduce your hours at your job to part time maybe? You’d still get some mat leave pay but it gives you a bit of breathing space.

I was given some very good advice which was to think about how long you’ll live in the house (for us that’s 15+ years) and how small the rubbish renovating period is in comparison. Not always easy but it can help give the perspective needed to push through.

I had this exact thing with my husband! It led me to depression. I really really understand and feel you.

We had a nice house but too small and found a new house and DH said he’d do it all and sort everything- massive plans he was excited. Moved in and he started doing jobs and never ever finishing them- it was worse than if he’d just left it . He also dug our garden up and I was so incredibly embarrassed as we have a corner plot and he’d took our path away and everything.
And the gate and garden walls our dog could escape.

We eventually ended up getting professionals in to sort it and used his bonuses to pay. But my gosh it took 5 years- and I was so cross and upset. I felt he could have done it way cheaper and more efficiently if he’d stop starting random things and never finishing them. I would happily do it but I didn’t have the skills and he wanted it to be done perfect.

never again will I ever buy a house with him that needs doing up as I now understand his personality. I can just look at the in laws and they do the same - no rush Or motivation!

I had counselling and a big part of it was about my home- your home is your safe space and I also
like entertaining and we couldn’t do anything!

I wish we could have sold it but he’s made it worse so we were trapped as we couldn’t sell it until it was finished! We also have 2 kids and a baby and I had no kitchen or anything when I had my baby- it’s sorted now but I can only describe it as painful and never again!!

sorry you’re going thought this OP I feel you x

You have a DH problem. Crazy to rip up carpets with no plans for alternatives. He should have just cleaned them with a machine you can hire. I've renovated at least 8 houses. Sort out heating first. Nobody wants to go through winter with no heating especially with a baby. Let pipes run along skirting. Pay someone to finish stairs and get it painted. I'd measure up and get cheap underlay and carpet in all bedrooms, landing, down the stairs and the sitting room. Something cheap and clean is better than nothing and in a couple of years you can replace it. Find a handyman/carpenter who is willing to fit a pre used kitchen. My son did this when he moved into his house in August. We found it on eBay it's only 18 months old. He hired a large van and collected it then ripped out the old one and DH helped DS tile the floor and fit the kitchen. He bought one with a double Neff oven, extractor fan, 5 ring hob, integrated Bosh dishwasher and integrated fridge and freezer and marble worktops. He's paid a company to come in and cut down worktops and upstands to fit as his kitchen is far smaller. He's bought new end panels and door handles. It looks like new and he only paid £2k for entire kitchen and £1200 for granite fitting and about £300 for end panels and door handles so an entire kitchen for £3720 including van hire and fuel for collection. In March rake over the garden and put down grass seeds.

@caringcarer to be fair, carpets are very manky! my house was all 60's/70's patterned carpet (every room a different carpet) also they had been smokers! so it had to go.

In kindness, it's easy to rip it all out without realising how long everything takes. So some grace would be nice. Not everyone has done 8 renovations.

A few rugs or cheap offcuts hemmed would really improve things.

You should pick one room at a time. There is too much to do and to look at it as a whole is depressing. Pick a room and sort it. Maybe get some second hand storage for the bedroom and paint. Decorate the room nice paint colour. You will feel better and have a clean comfortable room. You can then slowly move through the house. Maybe your family can help with decorating.

I’ve been there, still there actually as we haven’t finished our Reno either, a very similar story to yours! Are you sure your plumbers are any good? They sound like they want to do what’s easiest rather than what’s most practical in the circumstances, they should have planned out the pipes before putting the radiators up! A good tradesman/woman will move you forward so much more quickly, the fact they’ve not come up with a solution after 3 visits sounds poor to me!
id definitely get a local gardener (or yourself) to sew grass seeds as soon as it’s possible to do it so your toddler can play outside in the Summer.

We’ve just had plumbing put in a room with concrete floors. They had to dig under the foundation and into the concrete and run channels. Cost £1500 including plumber to run the pipes.

always check out local selling sites , amazing bargains can be found , friend recently got a good oak kitchen from local site