I'm so sick of our "do-er upper" house. I can't see a way forward.

[AbsolutelyCrushed]

We moved from a one-bed flat to a two-bed house during lockdown. It's got a converted basement and attic, too. It's within walking distance to town. Big garden. We had plans.

The sale took forever; we missed the stamp duty holiday and I was 38 weeks pregnant when we moved in. DH ripped out all the carpets as he hated them and didn't know how clean they were; so the flooring has always been partially wood, with lots of chipboard inserts.

He half-stripped the stairs and never finished it.

Ripped up the garden; which is now 100ft of soil. He's done bit projects - removing loads of bamboo, laying cement to move a shed, selling four other sheds on the marketplace; but it's still a lot of soil, it needs a lot of love.

The cost of getting downstairs looked at to turn it into my study rocketed; as did having a dormer fitted upstairs to make it our room, so we're in a room that's too small, with clothes everywhere as they don't all fit in the drawers. We need a new kitchen, but can't agree or sign off on the design. It's all so fucking expensive now.

The worst bit about it for me is that it's cold. There are no radiators in the open plan kitchen/living room, just a log burner. We've now had plumbers around for three days straight, and they've just left as they can't find a way to run pipe to the radiators they've fitted to the walls. There's cement under two layers of floorboard, apparently, and no way through it. Our only option would be to run it from the closest radiator, but that would have to go through a door and be visible along a long wall.

I know worse things are happening in the world, and we have somewhere to call "home", and we're all alright. And some of it might be trauma from other areas of life, which I'm struggling with right now. But man, I cannot see how we get this looking anywhere near where we need it to be. Doing anything costs a fortune and then 90% of the time it doesn't come off, for whatever reason.

I wish he'd left everything alone so we could sell it.

(To head off any comments about why I haven't - A combination of a baby, a full-time job, a side business and a physical disability).

Tbh just make it as comfortable and as liveable as you can. Don’t go for perfection!
Get some fresh paint on the walls so they are clean. Some reasonable carpet down.
Use the wood burner, with the right sort of logs it should stay in all night and only need fuelling 4 times in 24 hours for a low heat.

Offer the tops sool free to take away and then whack some turf down.
Just do what you can

Do you mean you are not in the attic because you didn't get the dormer done? If so, make the attic your clothes storage for now. You can put up under-eaves wardrobes to free up space in your bedroom. (Eg in pic)

Same boat here OP minus the baby and husband. I moved in a panic due to hellish neighbours, thought this bungalow is ok just needs a lick of paint ect. But no!! Ive been here two years and only done one room. Emptied and stripped bedroom for plastering and new subfloor in march and im still sleeping in the living room now as havnt got the will, inclination or the money to get it done. Id just love a new built but cant afford!

Just as a counter point to putting clothes in the attic/loft, don't do it as it's either boiling or freezing up there and it's very damp in winter.
Only keep them in a heated part of the house for storage. Or you can vacuum pack them ideally on a cool dry day when the humidity is low.

I don't understand the issue with the pipe runs. We have a concrete floor and all the radiator pipes for both upstairs and downstairs run under the floorboards upstairs, go up in the wall for the bedroom rads and down inside the walls for the downstairs rads. The whole house is that Speedfit plastic pipe in the walls and then it changes to copper just before it connects to the rads. I don't understand why they cannot chisel a wall out for it, go up and over the door frame putting the pipe in the wall.

I would not let them cut into a door. Do you want to post a floor plan so we can see if we can advise on the pipes? There are also plumbing forums where plumbers weigh in on these sorts of things.

If you can print off any sort of mood board or room ideas and put those up on the walls to remind yourself of what your vision is and where you will end up. It is good to remind yourself of why you took this on. I think any reno with a young baby is especially hard.

I agree with heat first even if that means temporary electric oil filled rads or some sort of infared heater etc, get warm first, everything feels worse if you are cold. One day you will look back on this, but right now you are in the thick of it. Best of luck.

If you have central heating upstairs can they not run pipes from above?

I'm so confused by the hearing pipes running through the door?

Get some plug in radiators to get you through the cold winter.

I've had pipes in concrete, it's a nuisance. We needed a rad moved and they had to cut into the concrete floor- okay for one rad, not good for a full new system. I'd avoid putting pipes in concrete if possible as if they every spring a leak, they can be a pain to sort out.

I have seen these i the past, though I can't vouch for how good they are- I'd assume they wuld have to be modern microbore rather then the old standard piping, but if our system here is anything to go by, you can mix the two- ours certainly is mixed!:
https://mdfskirtingworld.co.uk/blog/pipe-boxing/

It sounds like your husband has done bits everywhere but not finished a room!

If you can get one room up and running I promise you (from experience) you’ll feel so much better. The kitchen and lounge I think would make the biggest difference so can you prioritise one of them?

I don’t know what to say about the radiators though :( it may be worth just joining off the radiator that works you could box the pipes in maybe? Or paint them to blend in. Obviously not ideal but you’ll get some heating.

It's not unsalvageable. Lay the radiator pipe along the wall, high up if possible because, baby. Box it in nicely. You now have a photo/ornament/toy shelf. And you'll be warm.

Get draught excluders for door and windows if needed. Curtains up at the windows. To help retain heat.

Throw some grass seed on the soil and shove some daffodil bulbs round the edge. Regardless of the long term plan, you'll have some semblance of a garden to sit in come spring. If there's a mound of earth and it's topsoil, that has value. If you advertise, gardeners may come take it away for free, ensure you specify they need to bring their own sacks and shovel.

Windowless(?) attic - turn it into a dressing room for you both. You'll fit more comfortably in the bedroom.

Can't comment on the basement because you've given no idea what's wrong with it.

Get some huge almost-room-sized floor rugs off eBay. They won't be that warm or luxurious pile but they're cheaper than a fitted carpet, provide a bit of warmth and make the place look nicer.

Pay someone to remove the rest of the stair carpet so it's not a half done job, which will improve the look even if you do nothing else with the stairs for now.

Thing is op, you both need to make some decisions. It sounds like you are both flailing.

as others have posted there are a few suggestions for the pipes. I’m not sure if it can be run along the wall , boxed in, and then chiselled out a small section of concrete to run under the door and back up the other side, it’s a couple of inches max. It’s quite common to lay pipework into existing concrete so maybe you need different plumbers.

logically, arguing over kitchen design and not making a decision, makes no sense when you’ve half ripped up carpet on the stairs and chip board elsewhere. Or having a bedroom with stuff everywhere.

you need to sit down and make a plan, room by room, and do one thing at a time, but get it done.

We’re in a doer upper. It’s the third project we’ve done. Started with a flat, then a smaller semi, now we’re on our “forever” home.

i know that daunting feeling. The overwhelm of having it all to do. I have also done it with babies and small children, a self employed business, and working from home.

lists and focus are your friend.

DH and I list everything we need to do on an excel sheet. Start broad - per room / area. Then in each area list what needs to be done. Then we stick an estimated price next to each bit. The last phase is to mark up what is essential, what is nice to have, and what is a bit luxury.

then we work on things a bit at a time. Sometimes we only tick of tiny things for a couple of months. Other times we manage the big stuff. But whatever you are prioritising that feeling when you’ve removed something from the list reminds you that you’ve made progress.

I’d prioritise heating and carpet. Heating because you need warmth, and making your hall look nicer because it brightens your mood about the house. Even if it takes a while.

I don't understand the radiator problem. Don't you have radiators upstairs? Can't they just come down through the ceiling into the living room?

Otherwise what about electric radiators?

You can get plastic skirting boards that have a rebate behind them to hide pipes

throwing the carpets out was the right thing to do the ones in our house smelt
if it going to be long time before it’s finished put cheap Lino down to tidy it up and stop drafts

plan and make a list

a lot of this sounds like essential prep work which takes ages and look worse than when u started but it get the mess out of the way

strip the hall altogether

he probably be completely overwhelmed by it

OP I feel for you, I have just come out the other side of this after a few tough years of living in a shithole, we finally finished the major work this week. I agree with the recommendations to do one room at a time.

We had the same re flooring and I honestly can't understand or explain why it got me down so much but it made me so miserable for years. Carpet was the last stage of our renovations and it was finally fitted yesterday.

I wrote a really high level list of the things we needed to do at Christmas 2 years ago when living in a dump got on top of me. My aim was to get as much of it done as we could manage during 2022. With hindsight I was naive/wildly ambitious and it has taken twice as long as we planned but actually it has been quite satisfying to tick things off that list as they have been completed. They were all big items, like kitchen, new bathrooms so masses of work for each one.

My DH is like yours and the only way around it was just to take over. Not ideal but I wanted it done. He has contributed so little beyond funds and I resent him for it but I love my home now. My advice would be to make a list, then a plan, and keep it to look back on. And buy a pair of excellent slippers with hard soles. Toms make great ones. Good luck

Can totally sympathise, 36 weeks pregnant when we moved in and loads needed doing. It took us 6 months to even think about babys room, we're still living with stuff we wanted to rip out etc. Can't offer any practical advice other than focus on one area at a time so you have livable areas in the house. And for anyone else, don't try and do this whilst pregnant. It will NOT go as you planned.

Get new plumber quotes, or even better a good all around builder. I can't believe that the only solution is to go through a door. I suspect your current plumber just doesn't want the work of channelling. We have a very complicated house but found a brilliant team who took on the challenge of how we got the pipes everywhere (including through concrete) and have no visible pipes anywhere.

Try and get one room, preferably your bedroom, organised so you have a retreat. Move clothes into another space temporarily. Then prioritise a job at a time. You will get through this.

We had a similar problem with a gas pipe. The best solution was to run it through the void (between the ceiling) and bring it down to the ground floor, you could channel it into the wall or put it in a corner and box it in. It would be much better than cutting a door!

After living through a major renovation (5 years) my advise is also to get one room nice, but I'd say kitchen, you will spend most time in there if you have a baby. But I'd also suggest just painting every other room white. I didn't do that, but wish I had. it would have made everything less depressing, I had awful wallpaper/ vile colours and everything looked crap. If I had hired a paint sprayer, I could have done it so fast with mega cheap paint.

Then strictly do one room/job at a time. Finish the stairs, a hallway is passed through countless times per day and will really get you down.

Oh to mention on the stairs also. Our carpet fitter used scraps to temporarily cover them from leftover strips from the bedrooms. It cost maybe £50 for him to lay them, and has made a huge difference.

Temporarily for some bare floorboards, we got some cork underlay laid. Was very cheap and is totally biodegradable for when we remove it. Now it's not dusty or horrible, and is a soft surface for our toddler and dog.

And paint - that's made a huge difference, just in making everything feel clean and fresh. Not a proper job, just one quick coat with a roller so it didn't take long. That and some plants, candles, pictures on the wall in a mostly dome room

This !

We had to do up a house. We wrote a very, very long list and made a plan where basically we tackled the jobs at the start one by one and then we did a final big refurb in one go once we got a bit of money together. It took us the guts of 7 years but at each phase we kept the house liveable in. I think you need to make a plan and between phases you need the house to be reasonable presentable for your own sanity.

Stern words with dh . Tell him you can’t love like this it’s needs a plan and so do you .

As pp said

radiators
Window
study
garden
kitchen

although do throw seed down too
and carpet soon as you can

If not sounds like you will
be waiting on the never never

Someone may have said this but if it's a doer upper are you going back to brick? The pipes could be chased into the wall and plasterboard over the top. Or chase the pipes into the concrete floor, ply or osb on too thrn carpet.

Also don't let them cut a square out of your door. My god that will look terrible! They ought to be able to put a hole in the wall for them to go to your study and plaster right up to the pipes.

We did a doer upper and it took 5 years to be mostly finished. I really feel your pain and we didn't have a child at the time. I agree with the one task at a time and finish that task before moving on comments.

One day at a time lovely OP - you have a lot on your plate. Can your DH take baby out for a bit and you research one thing, maybe cheap underfloor heating or the rads. It’s about gently making progress and feeling you can together, as a team, regain control.

It’s not the time of year you’re easily going to get a quick fix so maybe just enjoy time together - even if this involves going to the park and having a walk or visiting friends and relatives and just have a sit down with DH and make a list about how you are going to tackle outstanding items and by when.

If you tackle one thing each month. Eg. Jan - rads/heating Feb carpets Mar laying grass seed etc, you can make where you live more enjoyable gradually and save for the big items. What about getting a second hand kitchen? It might be about making things better and letting go of ideas of perfection! Then you will be in a better position by the spring/summer to sell if that’s what you choose. You won’t have sunk more than you can afford to into the house either.

The housing market is extraordinarily slow in any case at the moment so it’s all about just coping one day at a time.

This is very good advice.