My Son is upstairs crying, I am crying downstairs

[DarkDaysHopefullyOver]

I know there have been several threads on buyers remorse and hating your house, so apologies for taking up another thread, I just really need my hand held.

I am on my own with 2 sons, one has additional need. After a huge upheaval and huge stress, including my brother telling me I was commiting fraud, my Grandmother has allowed me to get on the property ladder, along with a shared equity scheme. The stress getting into the house has been unbearable, i started losing my hair and my face is constantly red. We are low income due to it being only me obviously and I work PT around my sons care. I am very grateful and don't want to sound anything other, so I cannot mention this to anyone...but I am racked with guilt, remorse and stress. All the houses within my budget needed work, quite a lot of work, every room type work. The best I could get is a house on a busy road 10 mins from our beautiful former village where we rented for 9 years, which we loved. We have no ties at all to this new small town.

My 13 year old who doesn't always share his feelings, is upstairs crying in his horrible room which needs fully decorated and new flooring. In the 10 mins I was given to view the house, I didn't spot the endless repairs needed, the cracking outside, the fact a rotten wooded panel is the only thing between a cupboard and the outside, I can see light from outside in the cupboard. How can I even afford the renovations needed.

Please tell me I'm not alone. Please tell me it gets better, and that even if it doesn't its okay because we can sell, we could just sell. I feel so incredibly alone. I thought everything would be better, but it feels worse. I've been telling the boys things would be better, but they are worse and the guilt makes me feel like I don't deserve to be here.

it will get better . My house was a repossession in a previous recession so it was cheap but needed lots of work. I was sure in time all the work would get done but I haven’t been able to afford it BUT it’s our bit of land and we are happy here despite the faults . I was a single parent and very lonely at first but as a family you will settle . Just give it time and do little bits to make it yours x

It all sounds very stressful and upsetting. I hope you and your children are okay. Moving house and buying property is very stressful. You sound like you’re panicking but you really need to be practical. Have you worked out your finances? Can you pay the bills?
As for the work in the house you will need to prioritise the essentials. The fact you can see the outside from the cupboard is urgent and needs sorting. Decorating a room and needing new flooring isn’t. Focus on what needs doing first.
Having additional needs will make it hard for your son to adjust. Make his room his as much as possible, make sure he has familiar things around him. Let him decide where furniture goes. You will need to explain that it may be a while before his room can be decorated and hopefully he will understand.
You are overwhelmed at the moment. Can somebody help you to make a list of priorities? Take things one at a time. It had taken me 7 years to get my house sorted out, it has to be done as and when you can afford it.

OP

It's ok.

You have your boys and your health.

And a roof over your head, even if it's not the perfect roof.

It'll take some time to adjust, but this could still be a huge positive step.

And you're right- if things are TERRIBLE you can sell and rent again.

Grab a sugary tea, or a glass of wine, take some deep breaths, and go and give your son some reassurance x

Did a survey not highlight at least some of these issues? Are they mainly cosmetic? 10 minutes is not so far. Any friends who could come over to help paint?

Take it one day at a time, yes you can just sell and move back if things don't work out.
Focus on the things you can fix for now.. Maybe make a deal see how you get on in the new house for 6 months and if you are still not happy go from there.
We've moved twice and both times have been incredibly stressful, our second home had a water leak from the roof the Christmas we moved in it was awful.

OP

Turn it on its head.
Kids love YouTube, Tiktok - get them to Google DIY solutions on YouTube (, it's full of it).
Not saying that that's what you'll end up doing, but it'll feel more like all in it together for them too.

Just echoing what others have said- it will get better hun. Just give yourself and your sons some space- moving is stressful at the best of times and it seems you’ve been through it during the process as well.

As PP said- get a list made up of the bits that need doing sooner rather than later like the rotten panel and just take it one step at a time- it might seem a lot to start with but one-by-one you’ll get them finished up. And in terms of decorating, this isn’t something that needs doing straight away, but if you can afford a couple cans of paints and some brushes in the future and can rope some friends in to help it can really change a room and might be a good chance for your son to have some choice over his own space.

Just remember everything is going to feel really raw right now but how you’re feeling is only temporary and hopefully one day you’ll be in a happy home with the added bonus that you know how much work and care has gone into it. Or worse case scenario you sell and go back to renting- either way you’ll get through this!

Oh bless his heart - it’s a tough age and he must be feeling pretty low. of course it gets better.

When my parents bought our house it hadn’t been touched since god knows when (we are talking servants bells, pretty basic plumbing and dodgy electrics) not to mention all the mice! All this and 5 young children.

Don’t be hard on yourself. This is a new chapter if your love - and give it a go. As Scarlet O’Hara said ‘tomorrow is another day’.

One step at a time. Make a list, room
by room, of what needs doing and prioritise it. Ask him to help you plan - be patient (he is only 13) and let him know when his room will be done and let him choose colour schemes (yes I can imaging a 13 year olds scheme!) and layout etc. let him get excited about it!

I know it’s rubbish - our place had been rented out for about ten years to a travelling circus (well it looked like that) be still had original kitchen and bathroom firings (1950s) and seriously dodgy wiring.

I remember sitting on the corner or an old broken 3-legged coffee table in the cold (boiler had died) and gloom (they had taken the lightbulbs, unscrewed fitted fixtures from the walls, and left a load of crappy broken furniture), looking at a huge red stain on the floor where we had scraped the carpet up and thinking ‘oh my god!’

It gets better. I promise! Take lots of photos for the ‘before’.

You can do this. It'll be incredibly hard work, I'm sorry to say, but you will get through it and you will all be OK. Best wishes ❤️

It’s normal to have buyer’s regret when you move in! I cried when I opened the door to
my last house and realised they’d painted round the furniture! (It got worse..)
You can make it lovely in time. It’s your home. You’ve been stressed. Do the little things first like bringing your furniture in, bedding, lick of paint where you can. The rest will come in time.

You can absolutely do this! After my divorce I bought a house for me and my children. It was all I could afford and could only do online viewing because it was during early covid. I had to buy something so I went for it. When I got the keys and we walked into the house it was an absolute shit hole. It was filthy and needed so much work doing. I burst into tears and the children did too. We got back in the car and went and stayed at my mums house. The next day I went in with my mum and dad and we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, patched up what we could and it already looked better.

Now years later it's my little palace and I love it!!

Just do what you can when you can. You will be surprised what you can do with a you tube tutorial!!

The best I could get is a house on a busy road 10 mins from our beautiful former village where we rented for 9 years, which we loved. We have no ties at all to this new small town.

Its only 10 mins away, not half way across the country!

You can still have all of the ties to the old village but also make new ties in the new town.

You are both feeling very overwhelmed, which is completely normal when you move and there is so much work to do.

Make a list of everything that needs to be done.

It will seem overwhelming but remind yourself that it’s going to take a long time to do and that’s part of the fun.
Remember that people buy homes to do up, as they get pleasure from it.

Ask your son to plan out what he wants with his room.

I did this with my DD when we moved as I couldn’t afford to sort it out straight away.
She spent lots of time drawing her room and what she wants in it.
I was then able to get onto gumtree and Freecycle and get similar things that she wanted.

In the meantime, find out what’s going on in the town.
Is there anything you can do now that you couldn’t do in the village?
Can your son walk to the shop or join a club?

Sounds as though you've been running on empty and it's just become overwhelming. Moving from a happy home is downright traumatic- but you will make this new house a home in time, and it's your own home. Start the process of redecorating and making it home. Blitz one room at a time. You'll get there.

Can you do his room first and do it together? Have a look here https://communityrepaint.org.uk/ to see if you have a scheme in your area.

Also, check these out: https://ukcareguide.co.uk/where-to-find-grants-for-furniture-and-carpets/
https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/

There is help out there, you just need to know how to find it. It will be ok.

I'd give it 6 - 12 months and see how you feel then. Can you afford a pot of paint for your son's room? If he chose his favourite colour maybe he'd feel happier then.

Please make an application to Family Fund OP, as you have a disabled child, they can help

This is one of those situations you have to try to 'autopilot' through as much as possible, focus on where you'll be in a few months time rather than where you are right now and just try to put one foot in front of the other until things feel easier, which they will and quicker than you think. You're all unsettled and it doesn't feel like home yet, that's even harder for your DC than it is for you and they're looking to you to reassure them it will be ok, so if you can put a brave face on and manage to at least sound positive (even if you don't feel it!) they will reflect that back and you will all settle faster.

It will be ok, even if you end up selling and renting again it will be ok. You and your DC have each other and that's what really matters, anywhere can be home as long as you're together. As for the work, one thing at a time, decide which job is number one priority and just focus on that until it's done, then on to the next thing. The whole picture/list of jobs is bound to overwhelm you so just don't look at it! One step at a time you will get there, the trick is not to look past the next single step

Thank you so much for all your replies, I am reading them several times to try and calm myself.

The shower has black mould. I tried to have one last night, and the water gets all over the floor as the basin (no bath) is too small and the fixed screen is too short, I then realised there is black mould in the flooring from this happening. I left up a corner of the floor which was already listing and there is mould underneath. So I think rotten wood panel and bathroom need priority.

We were homeless for a few weeks before this, living in Premier Inns and my mums floor. I've been sick and can't sleep.

All the walls are caked in wallpaper alot of which is peeling off so I can't just paint, I've got to strip that first.

I can't believe I've put us in another awful situation.

I want to write something positive too, so it doesn't seem I'm just an awful moaning person, the garden is really nice.

Take a deep breath, it will get better!

Make a list of general things that need to be done.

Focus on 2 of the largest and 3 of the small ones.

For these 5 do detailed "step by step" lists. YouTube and Google can help here. There are lots of "how to guides" on there.

Work out what you can do yourself and what you need to pay someone to do.

Price it up as best you can. Save up like mad and work out which do the 2 you will start first. If you need an expert to help that may be reliant on their schedule.

If you're willing to be flexible some builders etc will slot you in around other big jobs. Often on a big job they have to pause due to waiting for someone else (eg wall can't be finished until plumbing done), or waiting for supplies etc, so they may have to finish a couple of hours earlier or have an unexpected free day and if your job is one they can turn up to at any time they may be willing to be flexible on price etc.

With the 3 smaller jobs see if you can get your DSs on board to help.

These can be as simple as putting up a curtain, putting down a rug, painting a door, etc.

The big jobs NEED to be done, but the little jobs will help with your positive feelings because they will help you "feel" that it is becoming home.

Once one of these jobs is done, add a new one to your detailed job list.

Keep an eye out on freecycle, Gumtree and FB marketplace for freebies and cheap items.

See if you can find any demolition auctions or building supply auctions - you can pick up building materials, secondhand kitchens and bathrooms etc for much less if you have a good eye.

Your 13 year old could be absolutely awesome at this! Whilst you're waiting to sort the bathroom, can you and him work together to strip the wallpaper in his room, and paint in his chosen colour? You can put on some banging tunes whilst you strip/paint! He can get a friend round to help and you can all have a pizza or something.

First things first OP.

Do what you need to make the house safe and do what you can to keep the weather out.

Terrible wall paper absolute can be painted over. We bought our house in April this year. The walls are all terrible, covered in very poorly applied textured wall paper or wood chip. If we strip the walls they’ll need skimming. We won’t have the money for a few years to sort this out. But I did buy 2 pots of £20 pain from dunelm and pained over it in the lounge and DCs room and it has made such a big difference. It isn’t perfect but DCs room feels fun and like it’s their own and the lounge now feels calming and enjoyable to sit in.

This week we are finally getting our roof fixed. We couldn’t get it done during the summer as there were a lot of birds living in it.

It might feel bleak now but you’ll get there. It doesn’t matter if it takes 6 months or 2 years or 5 years. This house is yours and you’ve done so well give your family the security of getting onto the property ladder.

I imagine the 13yo would be upset wherever you moved to, moving is a big change.

OP I’m sending you the biggest hug I can muster!

You know how you start to tidy up, or decorate, or make something and there’s an awful point where you’ve just made a ginormous mess and you have to find the strength to push through and get it sorted? Well this is the messy middle of your life!

You've done well to get this far. You have to muster the courage now to KOKO.

I’m a list maker but I’ve learned that having an enormous to-do list can just lead to paralysis. So what I do with mine is use it to help organise my thoughts - circle the priorities and then divide it into categories so that you separate the 5 minute jobs from the medium and hard ones.

Yes, you have to prioritise the urgent, but knocking out a 5 minute job here and there will give you a boost.

Don’t feel you need a perfect solution to every problem - it’s fine to put in a stopgap until you’re able to afford better.

You tube is a fabulous resource for diy knowledge. Do you have anyone who can help? Colleagues? Friends? Even your dc’s friends? People love to help but it’s hard to make yourself vulnerable and ask.

The most important thing is to cultivate a cheery attitude - fake it for now, but it will help if the dc feel you have a plan; it will help draw people in to help and it will help you too. This thread could be a great support thread for you - post some pictures so we can give you advice and cheer you on.

Ah OP 🌺

Cillit bang make a good mould spray that worked in my bathroom.

As PP said - make a list and take baby steps to work through it.

Of course your son is distressed -its a big change. I know it seems insurmountable but its not.

Do you have anyone to talk to? Could your grandmother give you some more money for repairs?

yes to lists.

make one for

need to do

• dc bedroom
• anything potential structural

-

want to do

• decorating

- -

look up the jobs that need doing. and if not structural then look at youtube tutorials.
involve your teen in decorating his room.

look up

• technical colleges nearby. some have schemes where they help out in return for the traininf opportunity.
• dc specific disability charity
• neighbourhood association, possibly next door app

Hope things get better. It's always horrible in a new house, you were all excited then realise when you get there that nothing works properly/it all looks tatty.

If it helps, our DC really don't like living in a village now they are in their teens. I was astonished because i thought we were doing them a favour moving to the country! They would love to be living in a town instead. I reckon this will turn out to be a shrewd move!