My Son is upstairs crying, I am crying downstairs

[DarkDaysHopefullyOver]

I know there have been several threads on buyers remorse and hating your house, so apologies for taking up another thread, I just really need my hand held.

I am on my own with 2 sons, one has additional need. After a huge upheaval and huge stress, including my brother telling me I was commiting fraud, my Grandmother has allowed me to get on the property ladder, along with a shared equity scheme. The stress getting into the house has been unbearable, i started losing my hair and my face is constantly red. We are low income due to it being only me obviously and I work PT around my sons care. I am very grateful and don't want to sound anything other, so I cannot mention this to anyone...but I am racked with guilt, remorse and stress. All the houses within my budget needed work, quite a lot of work, every room type work. The best I could get is a house on a busy road 10 mins from our beautiful former village where we rented for 9 years, which we loved. We have no ties at all to this new small town.

My 13 year old who doesn't always share his feelings, is upstairs crying in his horrible room which needs fully decorated and new flooring. In the 10 mins I was given to view the house, I didn't spot the endless repairs needed, the cracking outside, the fact a rotten wooded panel is the only thing between a cupboard and the outside, I can see light from outside in the cupboard. How can I even afford the renovations needed.

Please tell me I'm not alone. Please tell me it gets better, and that even if it doesn't its okay because we can sell, we could just sell. I feel so incredibly alone. I thought everything would be better, but it feels worse. I've been telling the boys things would be better, but they are worse and the guilt makes me feel like I don't deserve to be here.

It will get better.

I bought an old house two months ago and like you I widely underestimated the repairs it needed...there was also a leak within the first month from the toilet cistern that damage a bit of ceiling, the boiler broke down on the first day, house needed rewiring, broken kitchen gully, leaky gutters, previous owners left stuff everywhere, like you I had bits of wall paper on some of the walls which was quite hard to peel off but I did manage to remove it...

It made me sink into depression if I am honest and it is only now that I am starting not to feel completely overwhelmed and the place is starting to feel like home.

The advice is to try to fix what is really essential if you can than see it as a long term project.

I have been doing all the wall painting myself, painted the kitchen cabinets, ripped out the old carpet on my own too. All my furniture come from charity shops (Facebook Marketplace is also good) and I have 'up cycled' some of them by painting them with chalk paint. I don't have new carpets, I just cleaned up the old floor boards and got a couple of big rugs from a local shop.

Try to apply for any grants you might qualify for and check whether there is any local charity that helps with this type of situation.

At least you have a place of your own and don't depend on landlords' whims anymore.

No matter how smoothly it goes moving is always unsettling and it sounds like you’ve not had a smooth time of it - give yourselves some grace. It takes time for somewhere new to feel like home.

HG mould spray is brilliant as a start for your bathroom, you can get it in Tesco or on Amazon, just remember to ventilate well while you’re using it. Their professional limescale cleaner is great too if you’re somewhere with hard water.

Not sure if it's been mentioned or not but Astonish mould and mildew spray is amazing. Not expensive and really works. We are just coming to the end of a 2 year renovation now, I felt similar to you when we moved in with an 18month old and 6 month old. You'll start getting used to it pretty quickly and things won't seem so bad. Wallpaper steamers are great and only £20 if you can't afford maybe neighbourhood websites and see if you could borrow one from someone?

I think you need to get onto some home instagrams, not the celebs where money is no object, but budget DIY. Use YouTube to learn new skills and get DC involved too.

I've taught myself basic electrics, plastering and hard flooring from a base knowledge of absolutely zero.

If there's wallpaper everywhere, pick a room, get a scraper and get cracking. A good upbeat playlist on your phone/smart speaker will help - see it as an investment of time and love into a house that needs it, from a family who needs a home

Wow🫨 you only saw it for 10mins?. How come?. No survey?

I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. It’s completely understandable you feel so overwhelmed and stressed.

lots of good advice here, hopefully some things help.

I’d also say look for grants or local charities. For things like wallpaper steamers and power tools we have a ‘share shed’ in our town, but like a library for stuff. They also have links to community groups that help with diy. Might be worth seeing if you have one locally.

That’s not really useful for the OP is it.

She has completed on the sale and moved in. I assume a mortgage company was happy to lend on it which is no mean feat at the moment.

Just echoing what everyone else has said. It will get better. Our house was a dump when we moved in - we knew it needed work but didn’t realise it was really a total fixer upper. Gave myself 6 months and guess what - were still here nearly 2 years later. House looks totally different and all we have done is cosmetic work. You’ll be surprised what paint etc can do. Obviously if you have maintenance that needs doing, make sure this is done first so you’re watertight etc.

my daughters room was also awful (woodchip wallpaper). She hated it. I stripped the wallpaper and then sanded the walls for hours and painted them as we couldn’t afford to replaster. They look absolutely fine and her room is lovely now.

there are lots of ways you can save money by doing things like the decorating yourself, saving anything major for the professionals. I’ve hung a wooden beam, taken out old fire mantles and couldn’t even use an electric drill before we moved in here.

you’ll get there. Moving house is one of the most stressful things that you can do, especially if you need to do lots of work. Be easy on yourself.

It will get better. We’ve been in our house a year and regret it, I hate living here, we plan to sell within the next year or two.

But the more I make it a home the more bearable it gets. Decorating makes a big difference and Wickes own brand paint is pretty good and cheap too. We did a whole room with one pot which we got for a tenner and it’s brightened that room up.

Id say try make little improvements where you can, so we put a shelf up in our bedroom for toiletries/make up and it’s made a cute little corner. No I don’t like the house but I like that little corner!

We also wrote a list of things that needed to be done. Seeing it all written down was quite disheartening, but ticking each job off was very satisfying and helped us see the progress. We started with the roof as we needed some repairs then did smaller more manageable things such as painting skirting boards so that we could tick some of the easier stuff off. Take lots of pictures!

I hear you op. We moved for different reasons and I've never stopped feeling homesick for my old house. Additionally the new house has just had problem after problem. A pipe burst flooding half the downstairs. It took months to fix. Four months later we had a huge house fire and had to move out for 9 months. Now we are back and the bathroom upstairs is somehow leaking in to the lounge. I'm hoping the people that did the work for the insurance after the house fire will come and remedy it but it will take months and a lot of faff to sort it and will involve taking down a bit of ceiling at least. Two week ago someone broke in and took my car and house keys, (but for some reason and almost even more unsettlingly, not my car) so we have had to have all the locks changed and installed a security camera. Next doors dog and our dog hate each other and ours was barking at theirs one day through the fence-so their dog managed to collapse the fence at the top trying to jump over it. So there is a dispute about who pays for the fence to be redone and it's a pain to use to garden. I haven't even finished all the bloody painting yet and I've lost the will to do it, because 1) I don't think I will ever like this house and 2) every time I do any sort of job we seem to have a major disaster and I have to re do and then some.
I've said we will stay here for two years or until the housing market picks up (if it ever does) as nothing is selling near us anyway (even without the litany of insurance disasters we would have to declare) so we can't even move at the moment.
I am trying to do things to make the house seem
More homely. I've put my autumn decs up, and done what I can decorating wise. I'm allowing myself a month off doing anything to it, but have set myself a deadline of Christmas to at least finish painting the bathroom, hallway and kitchen. Otherwise it will never get done as I have got no enthusiasm for it at all. Could you set yourself a realistic deadline to get any immediately achievable jobs done and try to involve the kids somehow? I know it's hard

Thank you, for making me feel less alone.

I don't know if anyone else felt this way, but I feel an enormous amount of guilt for my sons. I feel like I'm mourning our happier time, I can't describe it as anything other than a loss. I can't get over our old house, it was so perfect for us. I can't move on. I keep walking about crying. I had to fight the urge the get in my car at 4am. I don't know if I'm unwell? I don't know why a house move would bring these awful feelings on, I feel like I've failed them, I feel guilt in my core. I know I sound spoiled, I am grateful to be able to buy. I was never set on this house, I had a feeling the whole time and again I didn't listen. I feel like they may be better off with their Dad, I don't know how stable I am or what damage I'm doing to them.

You are being far too hard on yourself. Really you are.

you havent failed. At all. Be much kinder to yourself here.

🌼

You don’t sound spoiled @DarkDaysHopefullyOver you do sound like you may be unwell with stress. I’m saying this kindly, but I think you should book a doctors appointment today. It may be that you need some medication to help with your anxiety.

You definitely haven’t failed your sons, you are doing your best for them but are feeling overwhelmed at the moment which is 100% understandable.

House moves absolutely can bring that kind of feeling on! We moved from a small flat I loved in an area I felt at home in, to a house in a new area that was just a bit of a dump (draughty, mould, cracked floorboards, uneven stairs, sharp nails sticking out everywhere, etc). In hindsight I was really depressed for several months and also thought I'd failed my children (I worried almost constantly that one of them was going to get seriously hurt by the house and it would be all my fault).

It got better. I fixed the worst things fast and the rest slowly. No one got hurt. House is much better and more liveable now and we've all settled in to the area. It feels even more like home than the old place.

It'll be ok. Just autopilot this bit and it'll get there. Don't let those thoughts rule you: you're not damaging your children, you're showing them that sometimes in life you take on a period of discomfort and struggle in order to end up somewhere better.

When I was young, we lost our lovely home following a change in my parents financial fortunes due to ill health. We had to move into a total wreck of a house that literally needed everything done to it. My parents couldn't afford very much and certainly couldn't pay for tradesmen to do any of the work. They had 4 children though and I guess having lived through the war my parents didn't see age as a barrier to kids being able to get stuck in. we were ages 7 to 13 (2 boys, 2 girls) and between us we made the place a home. I was 9 and learned how to strip, paint, fill, sand, wallpaper, put up shelves and even some basic joinery, plumbing and electrical work. I'll not pretend we did as good a job as professionals would have but it was good enough, and that was in the days before YouTube tutorials. Some of my fondest memories are actually from that period and it could have been completely the opposite. I felt pride in what I was doing and the contribution I was making, I gained confidence and learned practical skills that I have reused throughout my life.

You and your kids can do a lot together to make this house your home if you work together and I'll bet you will all be surprised at just what you are all capable of.

moving is awful, and the first month after moving is awful.

I cried every day when I first moved in here- there was no floor in the downstairs toilet, just rubble, there were leaky pipes, the electricity meter had been circumvented, no carpets upstairs on one the stairs, windows would not open, no banisters on the stairs, and I had a toddler

I can't even remember what else-

My elder son was devastated that his bedroom had Manchester United wallpaper, and refused to go in!

Well, little by little it was sorted, and we have been happy here for twenty years now. I don't ever want to move again, I will live here for the rest of my life!

I would suggest that you tackle the structural repairs first and fix areas where there is water ingress or damage (shower screen) first since these lead to larger issues down the line.
Try and do one room up where you can then relax in.
Toolstation and Screwfix have a very reasonably priced tools and supplies, much cheaper than B&Q.
For the walls buy a steamer and a long handled scraper.
Ask around as often you'll get offers to borrow equipment from others.
Many people have part used paints and some areas have schemes to recycle paint.
See if there are any community projects.
I know it can be hard to realise the dream home but I'm sure you can do it with help from your son.
YouTube can teach you many basic skills and B&Q have some great presentations too.

I had the same when I moved - I didn't see any mould or damage in the viewings and found it all when I moved in. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach for about 3 weeks.

2 months on, we have two new bedrooms with new carpet and paint. It makes a huge difference.

Some tips:

FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE - there are lots of gems on fb mktp. Lots of people sell on furniture, crockery, paintings, lighting, toys and even showers! We just picked up a new TV stand this morning.

B&Q - there is usually a paint sale area in B&Q if you're willing to look around for it. There'll be lots of tins of random paint colours for very very cheap prices. They've usually been returned by customers and opened once. I bought 20 tester pots once for £4 and used them for lots of upcycling!

Church groups/community support groups - will often have schemes where they can send people over to your place to do a bit of DIY e.g. painting, gardening, cleaning, stripping wallpaper etc.

Carpeting - don't get overwhelmed by people trying to sell you more expensive carpet. Stick to your guns and pay for a cheaper carpet BUT pay more for a good underlay - it makes a huge huge difference!

Call around a few local places to see if they have excess stock or ex-display items they're willing to sell to you for cheaper! :)

Good luck OP!

You can make a big diference with paint and marine ply.
Repair the walls and colour them what your son loves.
It will temporary but give him a stop to the draughs and a burst of colour that he enjoys.
Off cuts of carpet from a carpet layer are sometimes very cheap and do the job in a bedroom.

Re flooring, my local carpet place has a whole warehouse where they sell offcuts. They will even come and fit it as well.

@DarkDaysHopefullyOver

You said you carer, is the child you care for neurodiverse?

Could you be neurodiverse?

I ask because, if you are, then any move, even to the perfect house, would be traumatising and difficult due to the level of change.

Regards the issues, did you get a survey done prior to purchase?

What I think you need to do is have the place looked at and have a full list of everything required.

Start on a combination of the most urgent (bathroom) and easy jobs that will have the most impact on the children - decorating their rooms (provided the fundamentals are sound, make sure before you spend money decorating).

Spending money on a house is saving towards your children’s future and security. It may not be perfect now, but it will get better. 💐

Congratulations on buying!

We bought our awful house a few months ago. Also in a bad state with mould, filthy and smelly etc. Also wanted to cry and thought what have we done moving here.

Best advice would be to make a couple of rooms as nice as possible instantly, so you have somewhere nice to go to tackle the rest from. I'd say don't peel the wallpaper now, it led to all of the plaster crumbling off when we tried. Instead either look at lining paper, or a good wallpaper primer like this https://www.toolstation.com/zinsser-3-in-1-wallpaper-cover-up-paint/p25972?utmsource=googleshopping&utmmmedium=feed&utmcampaign=googleshoppingfeed&mkwid==dm&pcrid=&pkw=&pmt=&gadsource=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-vLcVOODHluUIA4W78tfQTw-z2h&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8-7t4aCOggMVRsDtCh2mzwctEAQYASABEgIj77DBwE&gclsrc=aw.ds. The primer is very easy, then just one coat of emulation over it- will make it look masses cleaner and brighter and will only take a couple of days to do 2-3 rooms with a roller.

As people have said, look locally for carpet remnants, or I used this site. designer-carpet.co.uk/search/remnant?length=3.00&width=4.00

You know the bigger jobs that need doing - make a list and ask neighbours for recommended trades. Also check if there is a street WhatsApp. Our new neighbours have one and everyone lends each other tools and offers furniture, paint, anything etc they don't want for free

hey hey @DarkDaysHopefullyOver you have done a good thing, it sounds like you have had a dreadful time recently, and you needed somewhere to make a new start.

You will all be exhausted with everything that has happened, and quite possibly that's why your DS is so upset - ok so the house may not be what he had hoped for, but it's yours and you can make it lovely and no one can take it away.

Like others have said, take it one thing at a time. Repairing stuff to prevent worse deterioration is the absolute priority, but you can also do one small thing at a time to make you feel better, whether that's ripping up a horrid carpet or painting a room. Maybe prioritise one room - ideally a living room - that you can make nice fairly easily, even if it's just temporary, and do that so you all have somewhere comfortable to relax whilst you sort out the other rooms.

If you have internet, get your DS onto the Dulux website where he can take a photo of his room and then show how it'll look with different paint colours.

Also have a look and see if there is a DIY help organisation near you - there are lots of "men's sheds" and similar things where people would be only too happy to have a project that would help someone else. And if it's shared ownership then the charity or whoever owns it surely also has responsibility for some of the repairs, it can't all be down to you...so explore that as well, in case you can ask for a grant from them to sort out any of the bits you need.

You sound like a brave but exhausted woman at the end of her tether...it's hard I know, I've been there, but you have done the right thing by your boys, and in time they will understand that. For now just look after the three of you the best you can - hot chocolate and hallowe'en treats to celebrate your new home and what you're going to do with it.