Buyers Remorse - help 😢

[Punkyskullyy]

I’m looking for words of wisdom to help me see sense and stop feeling this way.. I need to know this feeling will go, or is to be expected?

We exchanged on a 1970s semi last week, got the keys Monday and we move in this coming Monday. We left a week as we’re in a rental and had a plumber/elec visiting, and I wanted to paint the bedrooms.

I have been happy literally until Monday when we got the keys. I’m having huge anxiety as reality has set in and this now feels very real. I’ve never dealt with transition too well, I remember feeling like this when moving up a year in school, when as a child we were looking at moving house. I’ve had PND and severe anxiety after having both children.
We currently rent on a 15yr old estate, we live on a through road with a tiny 3bed semi. We’ve bought in a quiet culdesac with the majority of owners being old.

I’m feeling really overwhelmed now I’ve seen the property empty and can look at finer details of what needs doing to bring it up to our spec. We have a huge garden (we can fit around 7 of the size we have in rental) that I know my 2 DC will love, but it needs a lot of work.

I knew all of this when we offered/exchanged, so why am I feeling like this now? I’ve been painting at the new house this week and I’ve just been full of anxiety, questioning whether we’ve done the right thing. I come back to our rental, and although it’s small, it’s my comfort zone and I see it as my home.

I’m really embarrassed about how I feel and I don’t want to mention to my DH as he and our 2 DC are excited for the move. My excitement and happiness is gone, when I think deep down, do I want to move, I feel like I don’t. I wish I had felt like this sooner, this is why it has come as a shock to me 😔
I feel like this is very permanent now, it’s an overwhelming pressure and I feel like this is it. I’m stuck longterm in a house I’ve started feeling anxious about but did see potential during viewings.

Please help 😢

Good luck for tomorrow OP. Some small things you can do to help the house feel a bit more like like home straight away

• Buy a big bunch of 'happy' flowers or a big flowering pot plant and put it somewhere you can see as the unpacking gets underway.
• if you like scented candles or reed diffusers, get one going on the first evening. Lovely familiar smells make anywhere feel homely.
• Make sure you pack the kettle, some mugs and favourite drinks in a clearly labelled box and unpack it straight away. Nothing feels more like home than sitting down for a nice drink
• Get a few favourite ornaments out, a couple of rugs down and a couple of nice pictures up on the walls as soon as you can. (Whatever makes it homely for you). Unpacking other stuff can come later but immediately seeing things you love with sentimental value make all the difference to feeling at home.
• First weekend, no matter what the weather, get out in the garden with DH & the kids and have some fun; kick a ball, play a game, be silly, get some laughter going. It will make it feel like you all belong there.
• Don't try to recreate your old place or compare the two - the new house will 'tell' you about itself if you give it time. Take some time out to just sit and relax. Watch were the sun comes in, how the light plays out over the day, where the cosy curl up spots are, the darker spots that need a lamp, where the Christmas tree should go. Once you start imagining the future positively, it won't feel so scary.

Honestly, moving to your first place can be pretty overwhelming even without anxiety. It takes time to adjust, especially if you've been settled in your previous rental for a long time. I remember thinking 'what the hell have we done' when we got the keys and when in for the first time as owners, as some of the decor was very old and really truly awful and we knew we weren't DIY types. But we ripped up the ghastly ancient carpet, got the beautiful old floorboards polished and put some new curtains up ad although he rest of the house was still pretty dire I remember coming in the front door one evening a few weeks in and thinking 'yes, this is mine'.

So go easy on yourself, it's totally normal.

This time tomorrow you'll be in and eating fish and chips Chez Pinky!

Good luck xx

Obviously you'll have moved into the wrong house though, so make sure you're Chez Punky or the Pinky's at no. 43 will be a bit

We are just about to exchange on one that needs a tonne of work. New gutters, soffits, roof flashings and ridge tile repairs, some repointing, new windows, and internally basically needs gutting. Back garden is ridiculously big for London, but looks like a jungle. In an ideal world we’d also do a kitchen extension eventually. Basically hasn’t been maintained at all since the owner moved in in 2012.

We can’t afford to do much the first year we buy it, so will focus on the roof and guttering. Windows, external painting and repointing next year. Extension/new kitchen and bathroom in 5 years we think. Might well need a new boiler by then as well.

Our current flat was also a dump when we moved in 20 years ago, and we have sanded all the floors, replaced the crappy single glazed aluminium windows with double glazed wooden sashes, external painting, new kitchen, new bathroom, new gutters and soffits, repaired the roof, put in a new boiler. It took us a while, but our flat is really lovely now.

I just keep on reminding myself that this new place will be lovely too once we are done renovating it, and it is fine to live in for the meantime. I am repainting the bedrooms myself just so it feels clean and like it is our place. Just white paint, but it will stop it feeling like somebody else’s house.

I felt like this too when we moved op, I think it's quite common. Especially when during the buying process, you're just getting through paperwork and trying to hurry solicitors along, hoping nothing goes wrong, and then when that house is finally yours, you get the time to breathe, and you start to doubt whether you actually considered if it was the right thing to do. It's leaving the comfort zone of something that's been your home and safe space for so long, and forcing yourself into the unknown, which is scary. I cried the whole way from leaving our old house and driving up to our new one. And then once we were there, the chose of decorating, unpacking, and getting used to a completely new area was so daunting, I didn't sleep for weeks. On the odd occasion I would actually sleep, I'd wake up, and think for a split second I was in our old house, then reality would hit and I'd feel sick to my stomach. I have no idea why I suddenly felt so strongly about our old house, as I never really loved it, we'd massively outgrown it, and it really wasn't in the kind of area we would have chosen to raise the kids. I kept trying to remind myself all the reasons why we chose this house, all the stress and money it took to finally get it, and eventually it started to feel like home. We've been here 6 years, and I love it now, and have done since around 6 months in. Once your things are in, and you've started to make it feel like yours, you will love it, the garden sounds fab! X

Thinking of the garden, keep a space mowed/clear for children to play/you to sit out. Other than that let it go for year and observe/take notes/weed beds and look how the sunlight falls, what grows well. Are you overlooked at all - think of how to respond to that.

I think it is very common . When you look at a house to buy it is a home and you imagine it as your home. Then suddenly you are in it it all stripped out and it feels so different, the bare bones are exposed. These are building blocks for you to make your new home on.

There is an evolutionary reason you feel unsettled. Familiarity meant relative safety as a risk assessment for predators had been done and all the weaknesses of where they lived were familiar so their brains didn’t need to be on such high alert all the time. A new place meant more risk of attack and it could be life or death so they would need to be on high alert and I think is a throw back to those time that means moving can be so unsettling and a feeling of loss of safety.

We have just moved in after some months of renovation. I loved it from the start so different situation but the difference having our things around has made is huge. For ages at the beginning it felt like someone else’s home, now it feels like ours.

Good luck today. Concentrate on getting bedrooms and living rooms sorted at the start.

Having read and contributed to many threads on this topic in the past, I'd say a) it happens a lot and b)the vast majority of people seem to get through it and come to love their new house. Things people say helped include stuff like, getting your own stuff in and putting pictures up, getting rid of the worst of your predecessors' decor, doing a few basic DIY fixes if you have the skills so it feels like it's yours, planning and/or working on the garden - at this time of year that mostly means clearing it up, weeding for the winter, and popping some bulbs in before it's too late. Being outside is cheering in itself, partly because you can get a big sense of achievement without having to have a lot of skills or equipment. And it gives you things to look forward to in the Spring.
Main thing I'd say is give the house a fair chance to help you to love it.
At the risk of sounding mawkish- ours had been unloved for so long it has taken some time to build a relationship with it. It had to learn to trust us, and we had to try not to judge it until we'd given it a fair chance. First we had to do lots of essential but invisible/boring stuff to make it healthier, and we're now at the stage where we're dong the 'nice things' to make it happier. It seems to be working. I hope it works out for you- from what you say of the house there seems to be every reason to think it will.

I hysterically cried on the stairs when I got the keys to my house, my anxiety was through the roof and I thought I'd made the biggest mistake ever. Once I put my mark on the house I fell in love with it.

Thanks everybody for your kind messages. I didn’t expect anybody to check in on me after moving day today so I was really touched, and after such a difficult day it was so comforting to read your messages.

The move itself, removal wise went well, DH and DC are happy to be in the house, but I’ve had such a low day 😢 I couldn’t hold it together during the move and I broke down multiple times. I’ve felt so rock bottom that I’ve had suicidal thoughts over the last few days. I have barely been able to sleep, and when I do, I wake to the reality of how I feel and have I have anxiety attacks in bed. I can barely stomach food. My ears are ringing, my stomach constantly feels sick and I am often feeling paralysed, as if I don’t want to move. I feel depressed. I phoned the GP today who has put me on sertraline and I have an appointment with the mental health nurse tomorrow. It’s snowballed massively over the last few days to a point where there are instances I don’t want to exist as the way I’m feeling is so painful. It’s so hard to admit that when I have a beautiful family who love me. They are all that helps me break out of those thoughts. I feel lost in this house, I don’t want to be here. I don’t know whether my mental health is making me feel this way, or this is the cause of why I feel this way 😢

Sorry to hear that @Punkyskullyy
I think your mental health is the issue, not the house
Once the sertraline kicks in and you're on a even keel you'll feel a lot better about the new house. Until then, hang in there x

It’s normal to be scared of the change and all the work ahead .

Its NOT normal to be feelings as low are you are - that’s the fucking brain chemicals / hormones / whatever these bastard things are that take us over.

you have done totally the right things contacting your Gp so quickly and starting on the meds. you will feel much better soon.

And please try not to blame yourself or feel guilty about your beautiful family . You didn’t chose to feel like this, the same as people with diabetes don’t chose to have bodies than don’t make enough of some chemical.

Just hang on in there. And post on Mn anytime you are feeling low, there are crazy people who stay up all night on here, keeping each other going. You are not alone 💐

One house move I did I felt exactly the same. I cried for weeks. The house was filthy and needed gutting. A pp mentioned about the smell and I think that's right. It sounds weird but the people we bought from left a big box of unopened washing powder. I couldn't find ours so started using it. After a couple of days had a meltdown that even the washing smelt 'wrong' 😆. It smelt fine just wasn't my usual brand. I spent two weeks just cleaning the house. It was so filthy. Felt guilty I'd moved my toddler daughter from our old clean house to this new filthy one. Once it was clean I calmed down a bit and then gradually redecorated. It's a big upheaval, especially when you have kids

we bought our old house as a shiny new build and I cried the day we moved out to our 1960s house with orange carpet even though a project house was 100% my idea! Our old house was so full of memories and good times and I was sure all of that was some how tied to the bricks and mortar. I felt like I’d left all that behind.
it took work to turn it around but I’m so grateful for the space and you’d have to drag me kicking and screaming back to our old house now.
Honestly OP once you paint a few walls and invest a bit of you (a few tins of paint and a deep clean) you’ll settle. And I bet you’ll be so happy that it’s yours not the land lords. The good times transfer and you’ll make new happy times in the walls that are yours.
Give it time and I’m sure you’ll be ok 💐

I am in the same boat OP. The anxiety is killing me ☹️I’m also so ashamed to discuss this with anyone else. We’ve been here 5 nights and I wake up with an awful feeling in my stomach.

Here to handhold.

I commented before but I got to that really point as well OP (I am not ashamed to say it) about three weeks after I completed on the house.

I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of work needed on a house that the surveyor had claimed was in good order and would only require average maintenance (when in fact there were lots of issues), the idiot sellers had left a ton of stuff for me to dispose of and also as I bought on my own I did not have anyone to share the burden with.

So I had a complete meltdown one day and started also to think that there was no way out of it and started having what is called suicidal ideation.

Thankfully I managed to get myself to the GP who was fantastic, prescribed me anti-depressants on the spot, signed me off work and immediately referred me to the community mental health team. They managed to literally put me back together over a period of about three weeks and I started being able to start tackling the various issues with the house.

I still have anxiety but I can actually function and I am working on improving the house every day.

Don't hesitate to seek help!

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a similar situation. It’s so debilitating isn’t it? 😔 That horrid dread feeling every time you wake up. What are you thinking about when you have the anxiety?

Have you spoken with the GP? or sought any help? big hug

I’m so sorry you have experienced this too. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, it gives me a glimmer of hope that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s my third night in the house and I’m still feeling overwhelmingly depressed and anxious. I’m having suicidal thoughts each day, mostly whilst driving as I feel there’s no other way to take away how painful this is 😢 I’m struggling with simple tasks, even navigating through day to day tasks with my DC. I sent my 4yo into school today with his night nappy on, I have no recollection of leaving it on. It sounds minimal, but the guilt when he come and my DH realised 😞. I’ve had 3 days of antidepressants and just counting the days down until they work. I’ve been on them previously, and know they will work, but when I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack or really low point, reminding myself that they’ll work doesn’t help. The GP did refer me to the mental health team, but there’s a 9 month waiting list for psychiatric counselling, so I have to self refer to a charity counselling service in the interim.

I loved our new house when we moved but even then it took a bit three months to feel settled and call it home. It’s such a huge change so dot beat yourself up, you will be fine and now you’ve bought, so exciting!

Yes the dread the moment I wake up is unbearable. Massive pit in my stomach, I’m nauseous. Have to keep moving for the kids though.
We have been here a week now and I feel worse than ever. I am trying my hardest to get things done around the house but I am exhausted and have no motivation.

The GP has prescribed me anti anxiety meds but I’m too scared to take them, never been on anything like that before. In fact I’ve never felt like this, I feel traumatised.

I have had similar thoughts to you, I just want to feel better and want to stop feeling so bad, we were driving on the motorway the other day as a family and I had some terrible thoughts re having an accident.

I hope you are having a better day OP

I find the mornings the hardest. It’s dark and I feel paralysed through the anxiety and dread. Like you, the kids are the only reason I have to pull myself out of bed. I would never move during the darker, wetter months again. It’s really not helping.

Have you spoken with your DH/DP about how you feel?

I would try the meds, what do you have to lose? One of my goals each day is to make it through another day to take my medication, it’s one step closer to them working. Can you start taking them and try this mind-frame?

I’ve sent you a PM

My friend moved to much bigger house further from the location she loved. House was amazing, but she ended up selling it and moving to smaller place, back into town. For someone who needs social life outside of their family bubble, or cares about location, the remorse may never go away.

It's change, fear, and loss of your comfort. You will gradually build that comfort a few weeks into living in your new place. Try to be excited by the blank canvas you have, and accept that you won't have it all at once. You'll need to bild it bit by bit.

How you feeling now OP? Just read this and feel the same as you. Move next week.