Buyers Remorse - help 😢

[Punkyskullyy]

I’m looking for words of wisdom to help me see sense and stop feeling this way.. I need to know this feeling will go, or is to be expected?

We exchanged on a 1970s semi last week, got the keys Monday and we move in this coming Monday. We left a week as we’re in a rental and had a plumber/elec visiting, and I wanted to paint the bedrooms.

I have been happy literally until Monday when we got the keys. I’m having huge anxiety as reality has set in and this now feels very real. I’ve never dealt with transition too well, I remember feeling like this when moving up a year in school, when as a child we were looking at moving house. I’ve had PND and severe anxiety after having both children.
We currently rent on a 15yr old estate, we live on a through road with a tiny 3bed semi. We’ve bought in a quiet culdesac with the majority of owners being old.

I’m feeling really overwhelmed now I’ve seen the property empty and can look at finer details of what needs doing to bring it up to our spec. We have a huge garden (we can fit around 7 of the size we have in rental) that I know my 2 DC will love, but it needs a lot of work.

I knew all of this when we offered/exchanged, so why am I feeling like this now? I’ve been painting at the new house this week and I’ve just been full of anxiety, questioning whether we’ve done the right thing. I come back to our rental, and although it’s small, it’s my comfort zone and I see it as my home.

I’m really embarrassed about how I feel and I don’t want to mention to my DH as he and our 2 DC are excited for the move. My excitement and happiness is gone, when I think deep down, do I want to move, I feel like I don’t. I wish I had felt like this sooner, this is why it has come as a shock to me 😔
I feel like this is very permanent now, it’s an overwhelming pressure and I feel like this is it. I’m stuck longterm in a house I’ve started feeling anxious about but did see potential during viewings.

Please help 😢

It doesn’t sound silly at all, from somebody who suffers with anxiety I can imagine how uprooting that felt. Are you feeling better now?

@Punkyskullyy
thank you for asking, I am definitely feeling better now, it takes time that’s all, and I know the same will happen to you in the end. I actually really like my room now, but hated it at first. Nothing wrong with it, just different, which is the same for you isn’t it

It would be nice to fast forward past all the anxious next few days but it is just about taking the time to adjust. Just takes a bit longer than others with anxiety thrown into the mix. I think you will slowly settle, get used to your new surroundings and start to enjoy your new home, you deserve it 😊

@Punkyskullyy you're overwhelmed with anxiety at the moment. Have you had this before? If so, you'll know it will pass x

I’m glad you’re feeling better. 💗

I wish I could just fast forward to Monday night. I thought having this week to paint/clean and move organised and not on the same day as the sellers would help. In hindsight I should have moved in a day later and not had that experience of it being empty, daunting and painting in the house alone with all these new creaks and sounds.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope they come to fruition and I feel better soon 🤞🏼

Yes a lot throughout my life. I had it a lot as a child, but didn’t realise it was anxiety then. I had it when I worked abroad for a year, and after having both DC. It’s awful and completely consumes me. I can’t focus on much else, struggle to sleep/eat. It has passed previously to the point in which I came off medication; but as I was doing so well, even after exchange, I thought I would be ok. I was so wrong 😞

In which case it might help to go back on the medication for a bit? I suppose it depends how severe it is. I totally understand about the all consuming nature and not eating etc. Just remember you've been through this before and will feel better.

We bought a similar house 5 years ago built on 1969. It was through probate and awful - wood lice everywhere (the floorboards were rotten under the kitchen and we didn't know) and smelled of cigarettes. All neighbour much older. It was v expensive and my parents thought we'd made a massive mistake. DH said he felt depressed just sitting in the lounge... But now we've done work and made it our own, had two DCs and it's my happy place. The neighbours are amazing - they give us food from their allotment and keep an eye on things. They know everything about the area and can give great advice. Plus I am anxious and they are around when DH works away.

Take a day at a time! It will be ok and you may end up being like me and never wanting to leave. And if not, then you can move in a few years (something my parents did when I was young and they actually did make a mistake).

I stood in the empty sitting room of my first home waiting for the movers to arrive and deliver, and had an absolute nutty. They had to make a cup of tea for me.

The whole task seemed so daunting and the place, which had looked so lovely, had gone and all I could see was the amount of things I would have to do.

You have to break it down. You've already started decorating, you have the cleaners coming (excellent idea), now get your things in and it will start to feel like home.

My best advice is to order takeout for at least the first couple of nights. Make it a mini holiday. You need to get the fun flowing. When it does, it gets better.

@Punkyskullyy
hindsight is a wonderful thing but it would have been equally stressful doing everything at once so you had a good idea to try to get the house sorted a bit first. If it’s not too late, take some photos of it looking a bit empty and lost, then you can compare them after and be so proud of all the progress you’ve made!

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, moving house is a massive life event and is stressful and leads to anxiety for most people, let alone those who are prone to struggle more. Life has its ups and downs and this is a low point for you, but you will get past it.

I do feel you will feel a bit better once you’re in. I’m the same before a holiday, can’t sleep for a week worrying about flights, things going wrong. When you get to the actual day you just seem to cope.

I remember this quote

If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.

The future can be such a scary place! Peace is in the now. Enjoy preparing your new home for your family ❤️Xx

I have promised my DH that if this doesn’t subside after a while, I will go to the drs and seek help and medication. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that, but I’m willing to do that to feel better.

How long did it take for you to settle in and stop feeling that way?

We’ll definitely do takeaway to make things easier during those first few days.

That’s an incredibly kind message, thank you. I have saved that quote and will re-read it when I’m overwhelmed.

Thank you to everyone for the positive/supportive/very very kind messages. You’re all helping me navigate through this really unsettling time 💗

We moved about 10 months ago and I completely lost the plot with the anxiety of it all - the stress of selling, the horrorshow of the economy and interest rate madness, waiting to move... I couldn't cope with the full scale unknown of everything.

Then once we moved in, the kitchen light switch went, upstairs toilet wouldn't stop flushing and there was a leak from the downstairs sink. Every room needed redecorating. It was overwhelming.

We are very, very slowly getting to out our mark in the place. It isn't anywhere near perfect but it is feeling more like our home now. For the first time in a while I thought about the old house, it used to be a daily preoccupation and sadness, even though we had to move as we had outgrown the house and needed to move closer to new jobs.

Things started to get better the more milestones we crossed. First Christmas (last year) wasn't great. But the first birthdays we've all had here started off new traditions. First time we went on holiday and coming back "home" to here was novel but also helped to cement this place being home.

You will start to settle once you've moved in, even with the realisation that you don't have to worry any more about having to do the move. It will be better, it will take time but each week you'll notice something you like or find a new routine or little bit of happiness in the new home. It might be from your DH or DC initially while you get used to the place.

Good vibes for the moving in, and here's to the new chapter!

When I got the keys to our house I almost cried as it looked (and smelt! Smokers & pets) so much worse without the owners’ furniture. And it had looked and smelt pretty bad when we viewed it. There was mould on the walls where furniture had been, and it just felt grim. We’d definitely bought the worst house on a good street. The only loo was so horrible my then 4 year old didn’t want to use it! We were also renting a relative new build so the comparison was stark.

Lots of cleaning, painting, new carpets before we moved in made it not perfect but liveable. Over the years we’ve got rid of all the horrible stuff (rusty radiators filled with dog hair 🤢), extended it, put a new kitchen in. It is unrecognisable, but even before we did all the improvements it was fine once we were in. We got used to the shit kitchen, cheap laminate floors and doors that had been scratched heavily by dogs.

Give it time, OP, and it will feel like home.

@Punkyskullyy I think you've done the right thing having a gap between moving in. You can clean properly and paint quickly in a way you can't with furniture and boxes everywhere. You can move bits over and set them up properly in your own time.

I'm about to move into my half done house, and dreading it. We've still so much to do, and it's like @SlipperyLizards house - was very very dirty, smelly, covered in black mould behind furniture etc. We still have their kitchen and it's grim. But we have decorated, done plumbing and electrics and now have a nice bedroom for us, a nice bedroom for my toddler, a really good bathroom, and a room set up as a cosy and clean lounge with our things all in. Focus on getting a decent bedroom and lounge. Buy some rugs or carpet offcuts to put down. We've used cork underlay as a sustainable biodegradable temporary floor, just to cover the nastiest bits until we finish the renovation. It will be okay, it's amazing what paint and new flooring can do to change a space. When you get your rugs and curtains in etc, it'll make a real difference

@Punkyskullyy also remember that it's not permanent. Give it a go and if you hate it in years to come, you can sell and move out.

But for now you're on the property ladder and building equity. Huge garden for the children. Able to make the space yours in a way you can't when you rent.

I always find having an out in my mind makes doing something easier, as you're not committing forever. It's just for now.

I feel awful admitting that reminding myself that it’s not permanent is helping a little. I’m already thinking about how long I should give myself before admitting I want to sell and move.. and I haven’t even moved in. I feel overwhelmed and completely low and lost. I feel like I’d jump back to the day before exchange in a heartbeat. 😔

OP I should have added in my post that I did seek help from the GP and was prescribed anti-depressants and it has made a huge positive difference. Maybe something you might want to consider. I have a history of anxiety and depression so it was important not to let the events overwhelm me.

I don't think I could be tackling all the issues with the new house if I did not have that support.

I also took some time off work so I could fully concentrate on fixing the urgent bits.

Take it one day at the time and things will get better.

Thank you for sharing that.

I think this may eventually be the case for me too. I’m going to give it 1-2 weeks and if it’s getting out of control, see the GP.

What’s frustrating me most is that I’ve been content/happy until we had the keys. Now I feel deranged, panic stricken, upset.. just a mess. It’s so very real now 😞

@Punkyskullyy sorry OP, went out on the razz last night.

About 6 months to really enjoy opening the front door and having a lovely little "hello house" thought.

Can you pop out this weekend and buy some new bedding to match your new bedrooms or some cushions/towels so you've got some lovely new stuff to dot about.

I know it makes me sound as deep as a car park puddle, but just a few new touches can cheer me right up.

And get thee to the GP. Speaking personally, sometimes a person has to have help getting out from under the black cloud. No amount of cushions will help that.

You will absolutely feel better when your belongings are there. I've felt this before and that's what helped me settle in!
But also once renovated it sounds like a fab house and a great idea! I hope you
can your excitement back cos it really goes sound great

O suspect you are grieving the loss of your 'home' and feeling anxious about having so much to do but ultimately the 'bricks and mortar' do not make a home. That's what you and your husband will do. Remember the kids don't need immaculate or perfect. They need warmth, safety and a loving place to go home at the end of the day.

We lived in the perfect rented house for 10 years. I did not want to leave it. But we bought a house during Covid and moved in. There was no heating, awful floors, needed complete rewiring and the garden was so overgrown it was unusable. It was literally hell and we had access to both houses for 3 months overlap in the end. My only joy in that time was going back from my new house to my gorgeous rental 'home'. I HATED the new place. But.... I don't regret it. I spent those first months creating bedroom havens for each of us. So despite the fact we are nowhere near complete in renovations, we all have beautiful bedrooms that are 'home'.

My advice to you is to focus on making certain comfortable spaces in your new home. Unpack clothes into wardrobes and make beds as soon as you can. The rest can wait. If you're eating takeaways and drinking water out of mismatched mugs it doesn't matter. And soon your tented home will be a fond but distant memory.

You will have new memories. You have Christmas coming up. What a joy to spend Christmas with your family in your hard earned new home! Congratulations op on achieving something big.

I will give that a try, thank you.

I hope you had a good night out. Thanks for the support, it’s really appreciated.

It does feel like grief, of what we made our home, the estate (although we chose not to buy here due to sized houses) and our life here. I feel broken inside and really scared for what’s to come. I know that sounds really silly. We’ve saved for years to get to this stage and I feel really disappointed in myself.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it’s so appreciated. It’s good to know there have been thousands of people feeling like this and it’s not just me.