New house and mental health not good

[Andbreathetwothreefour]

Hi everyone,

Really just looking for a handhold. We finally got keys to our new house a few weeks ago. It was probate and very dated but felt well maintained (no damp, roof good etc). We've renovated before so thought we could do it again.

But it's just awful and every time I step foot inside I have a panic attack, it feels so oppressive somehow and I just can't imagine ever enjoying being there. DH is working so hard to strip wallpaper, get rooms skimmed, floors sanded but it still gives me such an awful feeling and a sense of 'doom'. I keep throwing up and can't eat. I do suffer from anxiety and my Dr has put me on antidepressants to try and get me through but they are not working yet.

I honestly don't know how I'll ever be able to move in feeling like this (still in rental house for now). It's technically a very nice house, in a conservation street in a desirable area with excellent schools. Everything I thought I wanted. So why do I feel this way?

DH is convinced it has 'good bones' and it will feel better once painted, new carpets etc and eventually we'll sort new windows and a kitchen remodel too. Luckily we do have the money to do most of the work.

Deep down, however, I think we might just need to sell it if I can't shake this awful panicked feeling - it was so expensive and the stamp duty was 50k so we'd absolutely lose money.

I feel so ungrateful and pathetic and can't really tell anyone in real life how much I'm struggling with my incredibly first world problem.

Take a deep breath and lots and lots of them. Now try and reset your expectations!

I have hated every property I have ever bought in the first stages of it being my new home and I'm on my 4th. None of them needed much work on them either.

It's all about the lack of familiarity and you haven't made it your home yet. At the moment all you can see is the amount of work, the mess and muddle and you have no attachment to it as none of your furniture is in, none of the rooms are done and it isn't actually your home yet! You are just focusing on the negatives of which there are plenty at this early stage.

Every time you feel yourself sinking, put in a positive. You've listed enough above.

It's technically a very nice house, in a conservation street in a desirable area with excellent schools. Everything I thought I wanted.
DH is convinced it has 'good bones' and it will feel better once painted, new carpets etc and eventually we'll sort new windows and a kitchen remodel too. Luckily we do have the money to do most of the work.

You will want it in time, just not the current state it's in and not until you can see it looking nice with your own furniture in place and styling it the way you want it.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will your new house be a lovely home for a while. But in time it will be and you will gradually like it more and more. It's just at the moment you are looking at something that technically is yours but doesn't reflect any of you, your tastes, furniture, belongings etc so it's not really a wonder you hate it at present. I would as well.

In time you will settle but it's very early days in a very unsettling period. I'm sure you will grow to love it.

I struggle with anxiety and have been on antidepressants for years - I understand how you feel. You did a wonderful and proactive thing to seek help for it.
Please be patient. Just get through day to day and don’t think further ahead. The medication will eventually kick in and help with the feelings of panic. You are definitely not pathetic!
Do one thing, something small, for yourself each day that you can look forward to.
🌺

Thank you @friendlycat for such a kind and helpful reply. It's good to know others have felt similarly with new houses.

It's a great house for my children, they are excited to have a garden at last - there's another positive!

We moved from London to a town so I think I am also mourning the change in lifestyle.

Do you think it's wrong for me to stay away while the work is going on, or would I be best to try to confront the anxiety and panic by forcing myself to get involved? DH is happy to lead on the whole thing while I watch kids. I don't know what's the best approach for my mental health - avoid or confront.

I can't believe I'm scared of a house.

I think the bit about moving away from London may be playing a greater part than you think. You should explore those feelings more to work out if that's what underneath all this.

If DH is happy to lead and you don't want to be involved in making decisions, you could do that. But equally, you might feel even more distanced from the house if you take that approach.

Thank you @Velvetcupcakes. I do feel proud of myself for speaking to the Dr. I am on sertraline and hope it will start helping me soon, the horrible side effects and calming down now.

I wonder if you will feel different when you move in and get your stuff in there? Most houses, even really well finished ones, look a bit crappy with no furniture in, doer-uppers very much more so. I could have howled at the decor when we came here- awful flowery frills and patterns everywhere, all clashing like mad (when frills is not us anyway), terrible carpets, and everything 70s or 80s styles, and not in a good way.
In practical terms, it sounds like a fine house, which should work for you, you mention no actual downsides, so I suspect it's a very bad case of Buyers' Wobble, which most of us get to some extent, and which you might well get even if you could wave a magic wand and were looking at a different house.
Could you find a nice simple job in the house, like sanding and painting skirting boards in one room, or something- something simple and physical which would give you a sense of achievement and involvement when it's done? It might make you feel more part of the house. As I decorate this place, I seem to own it more. Like as if very surface I clean or paint becomes 'Mine'. And it helps me feel more in tune with the house- I feel I'm getting to know it and understand it as I touch it, like you would if you were grooming a horse.

Anxiety makes me feel sick too. About a month ago my cat got run over by a combine harvester and it's only been in the last week that I have stopped feeling violently sick almost all of the day, every day. I never actually was sick, just felt on the edge all the time.

Sertraline can take about six weeks to work, so give yourself a bit more time.

If your OH is good with you staying away, give yourself a break and only go back when you feel ready.

This too shall pass.

Also, could you get the kids involved a bit? If they aren't old enough to do DIY, they might be able to help you clean or polish something, or tidy the garden in some way, or plant something. Then you can all be invoved- even have a picnic there.
It might let you in gently to the place. It sounds delightful, so I really hope you can.

@TeenagersAngst yes, the London thing was big for me, but I think I have just about accepted it now. Family reasons brought us 'home' and I am near old friends again and enjoying that. I still adore London and will allow myself to visit as much as I can to get my fix!

I do worry about being too distanced from the house (a bit of denial almost) if I avoid it completely.

Thanks @KievLoverTwo , so sorry to hear about your cat. When my cat died I was a mess and had to take time off work.

I think moving away from London is a big thing. I did it moving from SW London where I had lived for 32 years and moved to Hampshire. It's a big thing and takes adjustment.

Therefore, you are coping with being unsettled on many different fronts which adds to the panic and anxiety. You say mourning the change in lifestyle.
Mourning is a very strong word. You need time to adapt. There must have been many valid reasons why you decided to move out of London and I imagine this move was not on a whim.

Do you want to say which town you have moved to as others may be able to comment positively on all the benefits of your new town?

I can't suggest whether it is better for you to focus on the kids and temporarily not visit the house for a bit or not. But it could be a worry that you build up more resistance and "scaredness" of the house so to speak.

Eventually, with time, patience and a lot of hard work to make your house a home everything will feel much, much better. You've just remembered another positive It's a great house for my children, they are excited to have a garden at last - there's another positive!

How about writing a diary about your daily feelings? But whilst you can list the negative feelings you must also then list the positives that the house offers as well. Even if you had a page devoted to all of the positives to constantly look at and remind yourself of when you feel overwhelmed with the negatives?

If you were to keep visiting the house and writing it all down, would you then be able to notice the progress being made and how each week/month some of the negatives are slowly turning around and all looking a bit better? Would it help you track how gradually things are changing for the better?

I've had a similar house related breakdown. Moved in and immediately realised we had antisocial and aggressive neighbours who hid behind a twee / posh exterior so no amount of "drive by" would have helped.

We gave the house a lick of paint. And shampooed the carpets. We stuck the house back on the market within weeks and the buyers were very pleased as they were friends of the neighbours. We simply said our circumstances had changed and off we went. Their mortgage provider were absolutely fine and there was no issue.

In fact the buyers offered to cover our legal fees so we didn't make much of a loss!

We bought a smaller house (we decided to be sensible with money / mortgages) with lovely neighbours and we have been here for 3 years! Absolutely smitten.

It can be done 😊 good luck with whatever you do

Dealing with anxiety and a major life event such as moving house at the same time is not easy, so be kind to yourself, but I do suggest you pitch in with some of the work if you can, so that you can start to bond with the house. If you're feeling tired, buy some interiors magazines and spend time there doing some creative thinking about how you want it to look. If it helps, could you agree with your DH that if you are still unhappy in a year's time, you will discuss whether to sell or not, but postpone thinking about it until then?

Hi OP

about a year and a half ago I could have written your post. We moved to a very dated house and although I knew it was, the reality when we moved in was something else I’d never experienced before. I had to go to the doctor for my anxiety, my work and every aspect of my life suffered from it.

We’ve been here for about 18 months now and honestly I wanted to put it on the market straight away after we moved in- I agreed with my partner that we’d give it a year though. It’s good that you don’t have to move in straight away and have time to do things to make it better, use that time wisely and do as much as you can. Even things like house plants honestly make such a difference and take lots and lots of photos, I had a wobble again the other day, but looking back on our progress pictures the difference was unbelievable.

of course, you might still hate it in a years time but I’d bet you anything you feel completely different. We also kept a jobs list of things that needed doing, we’re still not even finished but eveytime I get to tick a job off it feels amazing.

Thanks for such kind words everyone. @BlueMongoose my son wants a trampoline so maybe I'll go ahead and order that for the garden.

The other thing that isn't helping is that we're under a lowish flight path. I did know this, as we're renting in the area, but somehow I am now hyper aware of the noise which I wasn't really before and feel a bit sick when an airplane passes overhead. I suspect it is the anxiety making me hear it more - no one else seems to think it's a big deal.

I've lived near a busy road in the past and got used to it so hope I can learn to ignore it in time.

I hated one of the houses I bought . I got the keys and thought what have I done . I then started to change it to my own taste and as soon as I had some of my own familiar things around me I felt better . It took time but I grew to love it and hopefully you will too one change at a time .

A newly painted and carpeted house with your possessions and photos in will feel very different I promise. You must have liked it when you looked round before you bought it, you're letting your anxiety get the better of you. Hopefully your pills kick in soon so you can begin to feel settled in your new home.

@Darkmodez wow, sounds like a similar reaction to me. Thanks for sharing. I'm also worried my work will suffer as it's so hard to focus and the antidepressants are making me a bit fuzzy headed too.

You are so right about plants, they always make a house feel more homely.

When I moved three years ago after 25 years in the same house I had several weeks of buyers regret and panic attacks. It belonged to an older lady that hadn't decorated for years. It smelt funny and all the noises were different. I cried everyday for 2 weeks because I felt lost. I knew I had done the right thing but it didn't stop me wanting to run away back to my old house. It took about 6 weeks of living in the new house for me to stop wishing I hadn't bought it and about 18 months before I realised it felt like home. Now three years down the line I love it and have put my stamp on it. It's mine and ive really enjoyed making it feel like home.

Could you focus on helping with one room so it is less overwhelming?

Get stuck in making a nice cosy living room and see if it starts to help having somewhere in the house to escape to.

I do think that flaws become less obvious each time you see them. The danger of staying away is that you 'see' the issues more than you OH or don't see the progress when the place is still a mess and that's not great for your marriage.

Oh yes it’s just an awful feeling, if someone had offered me my old house back I’d have been off like a shot. I got heavily involved in choosing things, we needed just about everything, this kept me really busy.
I then bought the same diffusers, candles etc as I’d had before, this seemed to help, smells can be very important. I felt much better after 6 months, but didn’t feel totally settled for a couple of years. Don’t think I’ll be moving again!

I’ve been through exactly this with a fixer-upper OP, it’s tough. I was living in the house while we renovated too, which made it harder as I would wake in the night and spend hours obsessively looking for cracks or dry rot.

Rather than avoid it, I would see a therapist and work on CBT techniques to tackle the anxiety the house is creating. I went to a therapist at the time we were renovating - it was for an unrelated issue, but what she taught me about my thought patterns really helped me with the house anxiety.

Avoiding the house is a bad idea in my view, because the anxiety is not a rational response to the situation. I learned to plant my feet, breathe and tell myself that I am safe, and there’s nothing here to fear.

It’s just a house. It’s not going to fall down or break. One incident with our place was before we’d even exchanged, when the surveyor basically condemned the gable end and said it needed rebuilding, or at least tying. We then had to get a separate survey with a structural engineer who laughed and concluded that the first surveyor was a fusspot. To quote the engineer, “that wall’s been there over a hundred year and it’ll still be there when you’re planted”.

I have a similar thread about my ''house of horror''and I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

I have some existing issues with anxiety/mental and like you and I am also alone (relocated after an abusive relationship and like you moved from London to a small town) and I literally get panic attacks/chest pains whenever I step into my new house and feel I have made a massive mistake.

There are a lot of issues with it as it has been neglected for quite a while, plus the sellers did hide a lot of stuff (broken boiler...) and left quite a pile of stuff for me to clear out.

Today I literally burst into tears in front of the guys from the local water company (external stopcock would not work apparently).

So far I have everything from broken toilet, having to rewire the whole house, broken boiler, can't find internal water stopcock, dangerous gas fire had to be removed (I was told it would have killed me), some artex/asbestos in a cupboard...it is endless really.

All I can say is that I am trying to take one day at the time and hope it will eventually get better.

The only silver lining is that my electricians have been brilliant and did additional work (like dismantling the furniture the idiot sellers had left in the house, moving them outside so they could be disposed of) and they put me in touch with a reliable plumber and handyman.

The water company engineers that I was crying in front of today said they would prioritise my case and do all they can to find a quick solution. I also have lovely, quiet neighbours.

I have no idea how this is going to turn and I am actually looking for a new job so I can better afford all the repairs.

Anyway you have all my sympathy and hang in there!

I think the trampoline is a great idea. Have a party to inaugurate it!
Re the flightpath. Not everyone gets used to noises, of course, but I have always done. And it looks like you usually do, too, so I think you're right, it's your current anxiety rather than the actual noise, and hopefuly will go when your anxiety does. Obviously most of us prefer not to have noise as a rule, but noise is like other factors, part of the ups and downs- and much better than having weird neighbours! Myself, I'd rather have come and go noises like aircraft or trains (I used to live near the West Coast Main line and it never bothered me) than continuous motorway noise 24/7 (like being a field away from the M6, as I once was, where we had to shout to each other in the garden all the time, and living on a 4-lane road in London between a fire station and 2 hospitals and all their customers). Aren't flight paths supposed to go quiet at night anyway? It's at night in the summer with windows open when you tend to notice sounds most. I used to love the trains at night TBH, it felt comforting if anything. I used to lie there wonder where everyone might be going and how comfy I was not having to go anywhere!

I had the same thing 5 years ago when we bought this house. It needed so much work and I felt that it was unsafe and wouldn't protect me and my family. Instant anxiety, panic, feeling sick, loss of appetite. It was awful. We were not in a position to sell up so instead I was determined to love the house. I researched it on local history pages on Facebook, found old photos, researched the previous owners. I could see how families had grown up here, been protected by the walls and roof. It sounds so silly to say now but it really helped to know the history. I now love my house and it is my home. I hope your house becomes your home too.