Moving dilemma

[M1739]

Myself and my partner are thinking of making the move from London to Hove. We have a 4 month old baby and I feel in my gut it’s time for a fresh start. Aside from the anxiety of moving away from London where I’ve spent my whole life, and family and friends, I’m in a tricky situation with our house.

Our house has been my family home for 20 years, I lived here with my parents for 12 years until they split up, my dad stayed here though until he died in 2018 which is when me and my partner moved back in. We’ve been here for 5 years, and have made some amazing memories but as time goes on I’ve been feeling like my grief for my dad is trapping me here.

It’s an absolutely incredible house but doesn’t serve our needs as a changing family now but I’m so terrified of walking about from it and regretting it, even though every part of me is saying to go! The sentimentality is what’s holding me back, and almost feeling like I’m leaving my dad behind. I do think this has highlighted some unresolved grief I didn’t know I had.

I want a fresh start, to live somewhere that feels like our family home rather than my childhood home, to go and do something that scares me because life is too short etc etc

Then obviously on top of this I’m worried about moving to a completely new city.

I’m sort of at my wits end with all the worrying which is why I’m posting here to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

I can only imagine how hard a decision this is particularly with the strong ties to your current house! Could you rent out your family home and rent in Hove for a year or so? Perhaps once you don't have the fear of the unknown and have settled into the new area away from London you won't feel quite the same anxiety about saying farewell to your old house and putting permanent roots down in Hove?

@Reeniebeanie78 thanks so much for your reply! This would definitely be the most sensible option, but we also have 2 cats and a dog and wouldn’t want to cause stress to the cats by moving unnecessarily. Also we’re going to view what is basically our dream house in hove this week which is a huge deciding factor as well.

I wouldn’t leave this one for just anywhere and the one we’re going to view is so perfect for us. It’s a multi layered problem! Haha

Hi OP, sorry for the loss of your dad. I understand your thinking- not quite the same but when I had a lot of family tragedy, I had a strong need for a fresh start and we moved house as part of that.

They say not to make big changes within the first year or two of a bereavement but you’re out of that now so it doesn’t sound like you’re making a rash decision and you have other reasons for moving. Presumably your partner thinks it’s a good idea? If I were you, wait until you’ve viewed the dream house then sit down with your partner and have a talk about your worries and take it from there. Moving house is usually fraught with stress and worry, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the wrong thing!

What's driving this? Are you in flight mode and wanting to run away?

The house is one thing but the city move is another. I think you need to unpick things. New mother, grieving is not the time to make huge expensive decisions.

@Retrievemysanity yeah he’s definitely on board, and two of our best friends are down in hove too so would be really nice to live close to them. I think you’re right, seeing the house could change everything, it might not be what we’re expecting or it could be everything we’ve been looking for!

@SquishyGloopyBum I’ve actually never been a huge fan of this house, the living areas are split over two floors and now with a baby, being able to walk between the kitchen and living room without a flight of stairs would be really nice. We’ve been thinking of potentially moving for a year now, before I even got pregnant so it’s not come out of no where. When my dad died I wasn’t even sure I wanted to live here and now I’m wishing I let it go at the time.

Grief wise, I’ll never stop grieving the loss of my dad, it’s a part of me now, I can’t let it stop me from making decisions etc. When I say about unresolved grief I am referring to the house and what it symbolises for me in terms of my dad, I don’t think it’s healthy for me to stay here just because if that/feeling like it’s what I should do for him. It’s only since we made the decision to view this house that I’ve realised that.

@SquishyGloopyBum we love Brighton and hove, we go down there a lot and I have always visited there throughout my life, it’s probably the place I know best aside from london

If you put off the decision, how long will you put it off for? Presumably you would want to be settled before your child starts school if possible, which is only a few years away. I think you should follow your instincts. You will soon know whether the Hove house and Hove itself are right for you. The fact that you may still be grieving doesn't mean you can't make effective decisions about what is right for your family. As regards leaving London, a fast train will get you back there in an hour, so I wouldn't let that put you off. If this house isn't the one, I'd suggest looking at a few more before making the final choice.

Not what you asked, but if this house is partly financing a new house with your partner, make sure everything is done legally so that he can’t get what’s yours if you should split later

My mum died last year and the wrench if selling her house - our family home of 40 years - was terrible. So many memories, I knew every inch of that house and the thought of selling it to strangers made me physically ill. It took 6 months of swinging backwards amd forwards for me to finally come to the decision to sell rather than move back in and sell my place.

But, it's just a house, where memories were made. Selling that hose has given me the chance to make new memories, to improve my own home, and give my kids a bit of a leg up in the future to buy their own house.

I get it op - a friend of mine lives in her mum's old hose and is bereft at the thought of leaving.

But the house (lets step away from calling it your home, just for a minute) doesn't meet your needs or wants. Having safe level access between the kitchen and living area would much better suit your growing family, you've been feeling the pull towards another area for a while etc etc.

Go view the place in Hove. You might like it enough to move instantly, you might hate it and either stop your search or keep looking. Time for your own memories with your own family now.

@ClematisBlue49 this is exactly what I’ve been thinking, I want to be set up down there before he starts school, and also by moving now i can stay there for a bit and if I hate it we can always come back in time for him to start school if necessary. Thank you for your reply, I think you’re right!

@SayingwhatIreallythink thank you! We’re all sorted on that front ❤️

@Loverofoxbowlakes thank you for such a kind reply, it’s basically exactly what I was looking for when posting here. “Time for your own memories with your own family now.” this is definitely how I feel. I think I’ll know one way or another once we view the house, and even if it’s really scary I’m also really excited to go and view it

This

The house has memories, but memories aren’t tangible things you hold in your hand, they are held in your head and you can take them with you wherever you go. So take those happy memories of your family home and use them as a foundation for making new memories in a new house. If it was your family home for 20 years then it wasn’t either of your parents family home when they were children , they moved in and made those memories for you. You can do the same for your family.

I think you are already aware that a lot of your feelings are to do with grieving for your dad, which is understandable, but living in his house is not going to bring him back, he would want you to move on.

@viques ❤️ thank you. You’re right, I need to work on separating the memories and the house in my head. I know my dad will be with me wherever I am, and the idea of being somewhere new is exciting too, especially if this house is as good as it looks

You carry the people who are no longer with you in your heart so your Dad will still be with you if you move away.

I hope you love the house in Hove during the viewing, it sounds perfect for you.

When you have your family with you - and your possessions - a new home will feel like home. X

@Twiglets1 @AnotherMrsAverage thank you both ❤️ I know deep down that this is just a house just need to work though it! You’re right, he will be with me wherever

A little update, we saw the house and it was perfect. We’ve had an offer accepted already. Feeling extremely emotional about it all and worried about potential regret but realistically know it’s the right thing to do!

Do whatever it takes to scratch the sentimental itch you have. Take lots of photos. Write a letter to yourself of your memories in your favourite places in the house. Maybe pick some furniture to take with you, cut a scrap of curtains, dig up a plant from the garden, etc. Put things in a nice box to take with you. I'm pretty sure it'll go into an attic and you won't look at it again but you'll have satisfied the psychological worry of leaving it all behind, not having a connection, losing your memories etc. and may make the move easier.

Excellent news - I'm really pleased for you. Good luck with the move, you won't regret it.

@M1739 your dad I'm sure would want you to be happy- not just hanging onto a home that doesn't really suit your circumstances- great news in your offer. Hove is great

That’s wonderful you’ve found a house so perfect.

🤞everything goes smoothly with the purchase

Great news! All the best for the future in your new home.