One parent wants to downsize to enable me to buy a house, the other doesn't

[Hoarseradish]

My dad is 60, not in great health, and my mum is 75. (Yes I know I know..) Mum is in ok health but had a serious of hospital spells.

My dad really wants to sell the house. They have a 4 bedroom house. It's worth roughly 1.5mil. Half of the house is never used, and the garden is starting to need me or others to do it. My parent's also have a cleaner to stay on top of things. They both agree that a modern 2 bedroom flat would be easier.

My mum wants to stay put. She's happy in the house, but generally tends to bury her head in the sand.

But I think one of the main reasons my dad wants to sell up is that he's very agitated that I haven't bought somewhere to live and I am over thirty and TTC. For work and family reasons we have to live in/near London.

It's difficult because I think really they should downsize, irrespective of whether we get given some money, but I don't want to encourage it as it might seem that I'm being grabby.

That is an amazing sense of entitlement.

I wouldn’t move from a house with a garden into a flat and I would imagine they need any money they would free up for future care .

I would suggest they consider moving to a large bungalow. They don’t need to have a cheaper or smaller property just a more realistic one for their future stage in life.

There must be a compromise, something like a bungalow with a small garden? I can see why your mum wouldn’t want to pack it all in for a flat.

It’s something for them to decide between themselves, yes would seem a bit money grabbing going against your mother’s wishes when it would coincidently be of such huge benefit to you

You will need to stay out of it.

You have a vested interest in the outcome so any influence you contribute will always be tainted in the eyes of others by that even if you are purer than pure in your motives.

Many people don't like change and how they feel about it is a factor in the decision even if purely from a practical pov change is a good idea. Emotions mean something, your home means something.

So you'll have to let this play out without meddling unless you are happy risking affecting your relationships.

If someone isn't ready to consider moving, it will only cause arguments and ill feeling, I'd wait and not say anything, unless it's at a point where the house is actually detrimental to their health.

Lots of studies into longevity suggest staying in a home you need to maintain helps with your quality of life. Having a garden etc...

Giving you money is likely to count as deprivation of assets so even if they want to give you some, it may be clawed back if they need care.

I agree that downsizing would be good for them but what happens to the additional money is a separate issue

The best thing you can do it close your mind to what the decision would mean for you so you don't ruminate on the 'what could be'.
Your mum might prefer to be able to host family gatherings at Xmas and enjoy her garden she has presumably worked on for years even if it means using help, than switch to a small place they can manage alone.

I know someone who is a carer for several older people in similar situations. He says his role is more like a visiting valet/handyman/butler/chef etc than a help you shower and use the loo type carer. He loves it, they love it... Win win. This approach is a valid approach (if you can afford it)

That's a tricky one OP. I agree with you that many older folk stay in their large properties, even when the maintenance is a struggle for them and it would be more sensible to downsize. But yes, it's tricky for you to intervene because you have a vested interest. I guess you try to stay fairly neutral and out in the odd word in support of your dad when it's being discussed?

True. And for inheritance tax purposes I think there has to be 7 (or is it 10 🤔) clear years between a 'gift' and an inheritance situation, if there isn't the gift becomes part of the estate and attracts the tax... So you'd have to factor that into how it was spent.

I didn't get that impression from the OP tbh.

OP are you sure that's your dad's reason? He should do what is best for them, maybe he's using that as an excuse to justify wanting to downsize.

You are simply looking to criticise.

There is no sense of entitlement at all. I was looking for advice/other people's experience if they have been in a similar situation.

Whether you like it or not, practicalities have to come before accusations of entitlement. I think my dad is worried about stuck moving on his own in 5-10 years time when his health has deteriorated (he has a degenerative mental condition) if my mum went..

And as their only child, who lives 8 hours away from them by car (they retired to Edinburgh), then it will be down to me to help them when things become difficult as they naturally do when you get older.

I think my dad is using it as part of the reason or a justification for moving. He has said that even without freeing up money, he isn't happy living where he is. With the Edinburgh Fringe and other tourist events, their street gets extremely busy.

@Hoarseradish
It sounds like they may actually benefit from moving to a more suitable property - perhaps a smaller bungalow with a garden. I don’t think I’d be happy downsizing from a 4 bed with a garden to a 2 bed flat. Bearing in mind that as they get older, the garden often ends up being the only outside space that elderly people can access themselves.

Personally if they asked me for advice on the situation (and I’d only be offering advice IF they asked!) then that’s the route I would encourage them to go down. Any if any funds were freed up in the process I’d be encouraging them to put it aside incase home care is needed in the future - especially with family living so far from them!

I agree, I only offer advice when I'm asked. It's difficult to phrase it correctly without treading on the toes of one party or the other.

If they did move they wouldn't be buying a starter home 2 bed. It would likely be a lateral conversion in a period property, either with a private garden or a large terrace. A million pounds goes a good way in Edinburgh.

This is something you need to stay well out of and something they have to work out together.

That may come across harshly but what I mean is, this is a couple decision. If your mother is happy and coping, then she should stay where she is. If asked for your opinion I'd maybe suggest a compromise option that allows a smaller garden and smaller section. I'd probably suggest if they sell they could spend the extra money on some travel while they still can.

I do think moving is such a stress that doing it a bit earlier than necessary isn't a bad idea.

Is say perhaps jumping straight to a "retirement flat" would be a step too far given their current home. It might mentally feel like they've moved to "God's waiting room". But a bungalow with a small garden and patio to enjoy it, close to bus stops and access to medical care and maybe shops etc sounds sensible.

I agree once that's done then depending on the money that's left financial advice can be taken. There's no capital gains tax to worry about if its been their only and main residence but IHT and deprivation of assets is a consideration.

OP, your father is only 60. He would do well to invest any money he gets from a house sale securely. He still has years of full active life possibility ahead of him. If he buys you a house what is your end of it if he needs help in future?

In Edinburgh it’ll be easy for them to find a nice, small, easier maintenance house for 1.5 million or thereabouts thus not giving cash to you and causing a future deprivation of assets issue. And then keeping the value in order to find their own care.
Or he waits until your mum passes- in all likelihood first and then moves.
In any case you need to not say anything because no matter the non-bias it will appear so to your mum and it can create relationship issues - which is a hard thing especially so at then end of her life (assuming of course that she doesn’t last until she’s 100 or something!).

Ideally there will be a way they can stay in their own home with help if that is what your mum would really prefer, only if doing so despite all the help available creates them more stress than moving then moving should become a consideration. Obviously if funds would be limited to do so the can have a chat about maybe moving now and freeing up some equity to pay for more help and just enjoying life generally, particularly with your mum getting elderly and their poor health. By all means offer them help and advice but it must be totally focussed on what is best for them/will enhance their quality of life. If once they are both totally happy and settled in a new house and have more than enough money to see to them having a good quality of life they offer you something towards your deposit then great

I wouldn’t underestimate the huge detrimental impact on health that losing (or feeling like losing) freedom and ability to make choices can have and sometimes disorientation. Your mum is the older and less healthy one, so the impact will be greater on her.

Er what?

Read it again. The whole thing, but especially the last paragraph.

I would say that is it between them, and nothing to do with you.