One parent wants to downsize to enable me to buy a house, the other doesn't

[Hoarseradish]

My dad is 60, not in great health, and my mum is 75. (Yes I know I know..) Mum is in ok health but had a serious of hospital spells.

My dad really wants to sell the house. They have a 4 bedroom house. It's worth roughly 1.5mil. Half of the house is never used, and the garden is starting to need me or others to do it. My parent's also have a cleaner to stay on top of things. They both agree that a modern 2 bedroom flat would be easier.

My mum wants to stay put. She's happy in the house, but generally tends to bury her head in the sand.

But I think one of the main reasons my dad wants to sell up is that he's very agitated that I haven't bought somewhere to live and I am over thirty and TTC. For work and family reasons we have to live in/near London.

It's difficult because I think really they should downsize, irrespective of whether we get given some money, but I don't want to encourage it as it might seem that I'm being grabby.

I agree, Yellowdays.

Your Dad was an utter fool to discuss this with you knowing how your Mum felt about it.

Just curious as to what you mean by "I know, I know" after stating your parents' age? I don't get it?

Wow. I couldn’t imagine owning a £1.5m house that is way too big whilst my only child struggles to buy.

Have they not given you anything thus far?

It’s an unusual age gap. Her mother must have been early 40’s, father late 20’s when she was born.

Do your parents want to stay in the Edinburgh area or would they consider moving down near you? Just thinking if you do have a baby, they might want to be closer to see you all more regularly. And you could maybe help out your folks more easily if they were closer.

My DM and stepdad have just downsized - together, we have bought a house and created a decent-sized annexe for them. Stepdad probably would have preferred not to move but was happy to do so because DM really wanted to, and she was struggling to manage their old house. It's been a difficult adjustment for them, but they're now happy with the setup even though it was a big change at first.

I think the important thing is that it's your parents' decision, and that you don't try and exert any influence over what they do. It sounds as if staying there isn't ideal, and it's just an emotional attachment. I wonder if there is anything that would be more appealing to your DM to persuade her that a move would be a good idea? Maybe a lovely bungalow, or moving closer to you? A house move at age 75 is a big hassle, and I don't blame your DM for wanting to stay put. But it sounds as if it would be better for her and your DF if they moved - it's just finding the right option that both of them are happy with.

No it's not, the OP is clearly concerned for the parents' welfare. And also bar in mind that in the longer term, there can be a problem when kids end up as unpaid gardeners and handypersons for parents in houses and gardens that are far too much for them.

I don't think you're at all entitled and quite frankly, the fact that huge numbers of Boomers insist on staying in family-sized houses while their children rent in perpetuity is part of the reason the housing market is so batshit. I find it genuinely weird that people are so determined so do so. I've always loved having a place that was the right size for me (one bed flat when I was younger etc). I'll be downsizing back to something that is the right size for me as soon as kids leave home. I'll chuck a deposit at the kids and spend the rest not cleaning gutters and weeding.

They might need care, so that’s where the sense of entitlement comes , your mums elderly, your dad has a degenerative condition, the house might need to be sold for any future care they might need

My parents 'downsized' aged 75.

(but they have moved regularly, so not a long term family home)

they went from big rambling old farmhouse with lots of nooks and crannies and a massive garden/orchard in a village with not shop/pub etc to a modern house on the edge of town.

5 bed house with a garden. (which is why I said 'down' sizing)
but low maintenance because modern not old. Warm and easy to maintain (double glazed windows instead of listed metal frames etc). Easy to clean, easy to maintain, still enough space to have family to stay and host Christmas. Garden still a good size, as my mum is a keen gardener.
easier to get help as in town, so they have cleaner and gardener to help with digging and lawn.
It was the best thing they have ever done in terms of housing as they did it while they could still make choices and redecorate etc.

So, on balance I would be encouraging them to move to somewhere easier, but not a2 bed flat.

Jealous much!

It does sound like downsizing makes sense, regardless of money. I don't think there's much you can do really though, it sounds like your dad has spoken to your mum and she doesn't want to and shouldn't be forced. It's hard though.

They would avoid inheritance tax if they gave it to you now and they survived 7 years.

My feeling (based on my observations and experience) is that it becomes harder and harder to cope with change as you get older, moving house can be very disorientating and as I get older I feel as if some of my memories have been outsourced to the place I live in, it's less of a home and more of a shell to a snail.
There would be many advantages for all involved if your parents could downsize but I can understand why your mum feels unable to, I don't know what the answer is 😕

If you live 8 hours away and you are TTC, surely it makes sense to have a big enough house for you (and any future children) to be able to stay?

For someone who is 75 with health concerns, I am not surprised your mum wants to stay put. Moving in those circumstances can’t be easy. Your Dad should have kept the idea to himself until he & mum had discussed it. Are they in a financial position to help you with a deposit? Tbh I wouldn’t want to get involved with the decision making just incase it goes sour.

This is a two yesses or one no situation. If they can't agree they can't do it. There might be a compromise somewhere, but moving from somewhere they know is a big deal, there is the hassle of selling, buying and moving. And the worry of what the new neighbours will be like, or the area, or if you would really ever be comfortable and feel at home somewhere else. They have to agree or it will be a bone of contention for ever.

I wouldn’t want to get involved with the decision making just incase it goes sour.

Was coming on to say the same. Do not take sides, because whichever parent loses the debate will likely blame you.

Does your DM, as the older parent, have any friends who have downsized, and who might be able to talk through her concerns?

Keep in mind the 7 year inheritance tax loophole - but with your dad's age it shouldn't be a problem.

It sounds like they should downsize to a bungalow with a garden but yeah you're not in the best position to push this decision.

But also remember that your dad might live for another 35 years and your mum another 25 (being in poor health doesn't always = short life expectancy).

They need to be careful that they can meet the cost of their future care, otherwise the OP may end up trying to pay those, on top of a mortgage, if she is able to buy. The average monthly cost of a nursing home is over 4 grand per person, so easily 100k per year for two. That may be fine if they have good pensions, but they need to be realistic about their future financial needs, for everyone's sake.

MN is so weird about inheritance! Entire lives are structured around preserving it for the children and grandchildren when it is thought of as an estate or a major asset like a house. Blended and step families urged never to move in together or create joint assets. But when it comes to rational estate planning pre-mortem the OP is excoriated for her entitlement.

Of course it can be sad that people can’t manage these big old houses and gardens when they get older. But a decent size flat can take a huge burden off the parents and be a lifechanger if they are concerned about maintaining a large property.

I’m siding with your mum on this. They can afford to sustain big house lifestyle, which they worked for really hard. Why should she move anywhere at all and add moving stress to her life. Lol

Coming from someone who didn’t have mum and dad bank available or random inheritance and had to work her a** off to be able to afford the property your parents live in.

You make it sound as if your dad is very old. Does he have health issues or is he a carer for your mother? It doesn't seem so. Does he really need you to help with the garden? Most 60 year olds I know are working and capable of doing many normal adult things. My DH is only 4 years off 60 and just does stuff I do in my 40s. Having a gardener or cleaner is what many people do to help out with tasks. We do.

Regardless, I think you should stay out of this decision. It's between two capable adults and it does not concern you.