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Original poster

How far do I compromise new house for DD

60 replies

Hausmauss · 04/05/2023 15:23

I’m looking to move from my house where my 2 DD’s and I have lived for the last couple of decades. My youngest dd is 18, and will be off to Uni soon.

My question is would you buy a property that your dd did not like? I have viewed an older property on a street with a mixed bag of inhabitants. I love the style of the house, the current owner has made several improvements and the layout is perfect for me and my 2 DD’s when they’re back from Uni. But my dd says she finds it creepy (is not helped by the dark old fashioned furniture the current owners have, although I quite like it) and she would not want to walk along the street. I believe there are many professionals living in the road but some properties are less well cared for than others, and a little disheveled. My dd wants me to buy a house same style as our current one in a “family friendly” area not far from where we live now but I find it so boring, and I really want a change. I’ll add that I’ve stayed where we are for years now so my DD’s would be near their school.

How much should I take my DD’s opinion into account? She does tend to either love things or hate things, can sometimes be a little irrational, often changes her mind, but also is quite anxious about feeling safe. I really want her to be happy and comfortable but this is a massive purchase for me and it needs to be right for me too, ideally for years to come.

Also, just to add, staying put is not an option, for financial reasons I really need to move sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 04/05/2023 20:14

greenspaces4peace · 04/05/2023 15:47

Are you sure this mixed bag property IS a good idea? What if it deteriorates further? What other antisocial signs are there? I’d say keep looking as safety (personal and of your investment) is important.

This

PollyPeptide · 04/05/2023 20:20

If she's very anxious, wouldn't she have reservations wherever you go? I'd ask your older one what she honestly thinks of the area and go by her advice rather than your younger one's.

BungalowLil · 04/05/2023 20:30

Sounds like you're used to a quiet, family suburb. Do you think the mixed bag will suit you? A funky, alternative place to be during the day might be ok if you have a safe, quiet place to retreat to at night. If the noise and buzz are 24 hours a day you might end up craving a bit of boring peace.

You can search the police crime map of your area to see how safe places are.

Do what suits you, not your daughter....she's about to go her own way and by the time she comes back after the first term you'll have made it home and she'll love it.

2bazookas · 04/05/2023 21:19

She's on the very edge of the nest before launching into independence and adult life. so she gets no say at all. Buy the house YOU want that suits YOUR lifestyle.

itsgettingweird · 04/05/2023 21:27

At this stage in her life.

None.

She's an adult. Off to uni to fly her wings.

The home won't be her permanent home for 3 years.

You are now having a life where you get your independence back. So the house has be right for you to do that.

Move where you want.

Secondwindplease · 04/05/2023 23:06

Hausmauss · 04/05/2023 16:25

Thank you all so much for replying!
My relationship with my dd is good, we are close, I have always tried to be supportive of her, but yes she can be melodramatic and she does not like change.
The area is really not bad, but not the spacious suburban kind of area she is used to. I think she is genuinely anxious about the area. Not all that long ago she used to phone me at work while she was walking home from school - and that was in a nice area along a busy road - so she was talking to someone, ie. feeling like she was not on her own - she has an irrational fear of things that could happen, but are extremely unlikely. Logical thinking doesn’t come very easily. I, myself, am quite the opposite, I’ll walk anywhere (in my fairly safe hometown) and not think anything of it, even the more “rough” areas. But this means it is difficult me to put myself in her shoes and understand where she is coming from.
As a pp mentioned, she may well come round to the idea once our own furniture is in the house and it’s more familiar.

I wouldn’t pander to this. She shouldn’t be letting it influence her own life let alone yours.

AudentesFortunaIuvat · 04/05/2023 23:08

Are you serious? Is she paying half??Thought not. Then zero input as others have said. If she wants to remain living under your roof, especially gratis, then it’s under whatever roof YOU want - she will soon be gone and have her own life if you’ve raised her to be strong and independent. Right now she sounds entitled and melodramatic. Hopefully that’s just a phase. You are a person in your own right with many years in front of you without the burden and compromises of having to accommodate children for the rest of your life - do what’s best for you, with your own money. And remember, fortunately gentrification is a thing, so if you make a good investment and buy in an up and coming area it doesn’t matter if not every house is already pristine, you’ll make money if it’s a long term move. Good luck, don’t let yourself be guilt/tripped by children who aren’t mature enough yet to know any better.

Clarabe1 · 04/05/2023 23:08

Is she paying for it?

IndysMamaRex · 04/05/2023 23:52

Sorry but DD doesn’t get a say. It’s not her house or money. In a few years she’ll be getting her own place anyway so pick the place you want.

I know it sounds harsh

JudgeRudy · 05/05/2023 00:12

I would not take an 18 year old child's opinion on board at all.

notquitesoyoung · 05/05/2023 00:41

DD's outlook is very likely to change once she's at uni if she won't be living at home. Very few get exact halls they want and subsequent years accommodation is very likely to be a compromise. It would be awful to walk away from a house you clearly want if it meets your requirements for a very insular opinion which is very likely to change. You can listen to DD's point of view so she feels heard but without you doing all the compromising.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/05/2023 00:56

I would seriously consider whether she has a point both about the building and the area. If you can see beyond the building the way it is now and know you can make it lovely then that will be fine but if the area isn't safe then I think she has a really good point.

Hurryupandleave · 05/05/2023 03:52

We moved from my childhood home when I was 18, I didn't want to move and 'hated' every house my DP's viewed, including the one they eventually bought. They still live there and I do still dislike the house but can totally acknowledge that I was entitled to no say whatsoever, it wasn't my money or my decision and they did the right thing ignoring me.

At the time I would have hated any house they'd chosen because I simply didn't want to move, it felt like being ripped away from my childhood and all my memories and had nothing at all to do with the new house, I just didn't want to leave the old one. Bear in mind your DD will feel like everything is changing right now, she's on the cusp of independence at 18 and that's scary as hell as well as being exciting so she's likely clinging to the familiar. Firm but sympathetic would be my approach in your shoes, you understand it's hard for her but it's happening anyway type thing, she'll learn to live with it.

FurAndFeathers · 05/05/2023 04:03

I’d be preparing myself to support DD with her anxiety at uni. If she can’t cope walking down a street then she’ll very likely struggle

OrchidsBlooming · 05/05/2023 05:06

FurAndFeathers · 05/05/2023 04:03

I’d be preparing myself to support DD with her anxiety at uni. If she can’t cope walking down a street then she’ll very likely struggle

This!

Frankly I think you’ve got much bigger issues ahead. She’s lived in one place all her life as you said you’d been in the last house two decades. She’s moving out to Uni (how is she really feeling about that?) whilst having her “home” fundamentally changed. Pick your house as you wish and PP make some good points about safety and checking it out at night etc. But more importantly I think you DD may need some support for her next chapter. Some kids whizz off to Uni quite happily, others do not.

Violasaremyfavourite · 05/05/2023 05:53

I'd be worried about the issues @greenspaces4peace raises. I think you might have an over romantic view of the safety and livability of the area. I certainly wouldn't be keen on walking in the more “rough” areas and the fact that this doesn't worry you is not necessarily a good thing. There is a book by
Gavin de Becker called The Gift of Fear and his basic tenet is that fear is a very sophisticated warning system and you should not ignore it. One of my children was into krav maga at one stage and beyond all the throws for disabling a knife wielding attacker, there is the idea that you should also avoid putting yourself in a dangerous situation and run if you can.

Bamboozleme · 05/05/2023 06:01

Take it you didn’t read the news about the Brixton young woman murdered whilst walking down the street by a stranger?

thankfully most areas in the UK are safe. But there are areas that I definitely wouldn’t want my 18 year old walking down the street alone at night

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/05/2023 08:26

I think your DD is going to need support at university too. I would check out the house at night, if the area still seems nice then maybe you could take DD for a visit one night. It's hard to tell with anxiety what would help, whether to push or to support, too much of either isn't a good thing. The anxiety and moving house coupled with starting University could be overwhelming for her. I feel like she shouldn't get a say, but I know if it was my DD If be worried about the potential effect on her The worry for me would be if she ends up living back with you full time and feels unsafe there it could really impact her mental health. But then Im imaging how my DD would be in that scenario, I don't know if that's a concern with your DD or exactly how things are for her.

AtChoService · 05/05/2023 08:28

How much should I take my DD’s opinion into account?

Big fat 0%.

When she buys her own house, she can choose that.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/05/2023 08:29

A lot of DCs stay in their uni town after graduation. One of mine has, I doubt she will ever move back home.

FlamingoQueen · 05/05/2023 08:38

Buy it! I think your DD would have issues with any house that isn’t your current one. You could miss out on this house, buy one in a ‘safe’ area and she may still hate walking down the road or hate something about the house. I think you would regret that forever.
Could you take her for a walk around the area again so she becomes familiar with it?
But, please buy the house!

OldTinHat · 05/05/2023 08:55

Definitely buy it. I did when I was in that situation!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/05/2023 09:14

Hi would give zero consideration to her preferences. It's your turn to be a priority. She can create the home she wants when she's fully adult & earning.

CustardPiesAPlenty · 05/05/2023 10:39

I wonder how she will feel about second year accommodation at uni if she feels like this about your potential house now. Unless she has heaps of cash student areas aren't exactly the nicest either outside or inside.

As for input I would listen to the opinion but it wouldn't hold a lot of weight. What is valuable and matters to an 18 year old is very different to what matters to you. Maybe get your older DD to talk to her. If she has anxiety about walking home from school to where she currently lives this is going to be no different. I think she needs to try to get some help with the anxiety.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 05/05/2023 11:01

I think you need to research it very carefully in terms of anti-social behaviour, crime stats etc. Visit at different times of day/night to get a feel for the place. But do this for YOU as well as her. If it then stacks up, present the facts to her objectively and go ahead and buy the house.

My DBro was like this after he split from his wife - she moved into an urban setting that he 'didn't approve of' which was a lot of snobbish bobbins.

I also agree that she is going to need a lot of support at uni though, especially if she's planning to move into student accommodation in second year.