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Original poster

Left out of mothers and aunts will

43 replies

neine · 19/04/2023 12:09

Still feeling hurt that my much loved aunt left her bungalow to my brother
even though she told me that she was leaving it to me. I am one of four
children and have one brother and two sisters. My brother is a millionaire
three times over, "his words" and financially doesnt need any help at all.
My mother who lived just above her has also signed her bungalow over
to him and has excluded myself and my two sisters also. Her reasoning
is that he looks after her and pays for any jobs that need doing. He does
do this but I feel it is so wrong to have a preferred child in the family. I
will never do that to my own two girls, both of whom are married and
live independently of myself, as everything I and my husband own will
be split 50 50 and wouldnt dream of favouring one over the other. This
has left myself and my sisters disliking my brother for having all this extra
wealth and has caused a rift with my mother also. Are we right to feel
this way?

OP posts:

DrMarciaFieldstone · 19/04/2023 12:11

Would it have been okay if the aunt had left her bungalow only to you, and not the others, as she originally said?

FrenchandSaunders · 19/04/2023 12:12

Hugely unfair but not sure what you can do about it. Presumably he pays for any jobs for her as he can afford it! You shouldn't be penalised for that.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 19/04/2023 12:18

Reminds me of a recent thread where the mother disinherited the sister over the brother. Sometimes these women can be supremely sexist, also controlling and want to throw a hand grenade from beyond the grave into their children’s lives.

ArcticSkewer · 19/04/2023 12:19

I am a fan of natural consequences. Your aunt made sure by lying to you that she wasn't negatively affected while alive. But she was your aunt not mother so more forgiveable to favour one over another.

I wouldn't give my mum the time of day, sorry, if she was showing this kind of favouritism. It sounds more like sexism tbh. Either way, unlikely to be a sudden change - presumably she has always favoured your brother?

Sorry op, I know it's hurtful

Original poster

neine · 19/04/2023 12:23

Both my sisters live out of the area and would not have wanted to move
back home to live in my aunts bungalow. I told my aunt that I may not
want to live in the bungalow as I didnt drive and wanted to stay near to
my grandchildren who I looked after for my daughter to work. I told her
this as she wanted the bungalow to stay in the family. She left it to my
brother and he sold it.

OP posts:

GasPanic · 19/04/2023 12:26

It does sound bad. Your brother may help your mum out more and I suppose you might expect that might be reflected by some bias in the will, but for you not to get anything I can see how that would be hurtful.

it's unusual I think to have this level of bias. Is this a cultural thing, where daughters are expected to be looked after by the family that they marry into ? A lot of cultures do have different traditions and attitudes re inheritance that make it difficult when families become cross cultural.

MelchiorsMistress · 19/04/2023 12:27

If your mum is receiving a lot of financial and practical support from your brother, it seems fair that he is paid back via inheritance.

SilentHedges · 19/04/2023 12:28

OP, I'm truly sorry this has happened to you. Before people start saying it's "grabby" and "no one should expect an inheritance", and "it's up to them what they do with their money", then you have missed the point completely. It's not about the money foremost, it's about another child being favoured ahead of you, it's saying "you're not important to me". It's cruel, and hurtful in a way that can never be repaired in my view and then goes on to destroy the relationship with the remaining children.

Your Aunt, she has lied to you for her own ends while she was alive. Despicable behaviour.

As for your Mother, if I was your Brother, I would do the honourable thing and split his inheritance with you and your siblings, as he is a millionaire "3 times over". However the fact that both your Aunt and Mother have signed everything over to him, suggests to me that he has been manipulating this situation. Of course, he has helped and paid for things for your Mother, he's the one with extreme wealth already! Personally I'd accept your Mothers wishes, and that your future wellbeing is not important to her, and cut her off as she has you.

Yes you are completely right to feel this way, and I'm sorry you have had to endure this hurt.

Original poster

neine · 19/04/2023 12:31

No not cultural in my family. We are all 100 percent white welsh.

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/04/2023 12:36

Depending on the value of the bungalow (if low) and the value of the work and maintenance your brother has arranged and paid for (if substantial) you mother may feel she is making good a debt by leaving the house to him.

No idea why your aunt did so though.

Skybluepinky · 19/04/2023 12:42

Really moaning that it was going to be left to u, leaving others out, then moaning when u were left out.
Not a shock that they left it to someone else.

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 19/04/2023 12:46

I've been written out of my parent's wills despite being the only family member who helps on any level. Years ago I was sole inheritor, now I'm just the executor. Work that out.
It hasn't changed the way I help them, I'm not like that. It's theirs, to do with as they please, not mine.
Funny things families.

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 19/04/2023 12:46

Besides, you sort of told your aunt you didn't want the bungalow.

GasPanic · 19/04/2023 12:47

Does sound a bit like you gave your Aunt mixed messages over the bungalow and then she decided to leave it to someone who told her what she wanted to hear.

As for your Mum, it sounds like she wants to reward the people who have stayed with her and the area and done the most for her.

Seems a bit harsh, but not totally without logic and reason.

I was in a similar situation with my Aunt. I lived away and never really saw her that much. When she died, some of her nieces and nephews inherited (the ones that stayed close to home and visited often) and the rest of us who had relatively separate lives didn't. I don't feel what happened in the end was hugely unfair.

Eggseggseverywhere · 19/04/2023 12:50

My aunt left me a small amount. Her home and the assets her and my dgm's assets (that were verbally promised to me by dgm) all went to aunt's carer. Presume the carer resigned before accepting that sort of wealth...

FurierTransform · 19/04/2023 12:50

If he's the only child that looks after her/pays for things doing for her, it seems pretty fair

Original poster

neine · 19/04/2023 12:53

No thats totally wrong. My husband and I and my two girls have always
been the ones that have been closest to my mother for many many years.
We live ten minutes away and when anything was needed by my parents
we were the go to for help which we always did. Its been since my father
died that my brother has been more involved. Yes hes been there for my
mother but as a family we have been the ones all through the years that
have been there for them both. Also any jobs that
my aunt needed doing was done by my husband. My two daughters also
always always visited a couple of times a week. This is about the fact that
my brother sold the bungalow to complete strangers knowing that my
aunt wanted it kept in the family.

OP posts:

Irissa · 19/04/2023 12:54

My mother has said she is leaving everything to charity rather than to me. Her reasoning is that her parents left everything to the boys rather than the girls, on the premise that the girls would be marrying a husband. So she feels that as she didn’t receive an inheritance, nor should I.

It’s unfair but it’s just the way it is sometimes, sadly.

CoolShoeshine · 19/04/2023 13:23

It’s very unfair- have you told your mum how you feel? You’ll be carrying the resentment forever if you don’t.

LibertyLily · 19/04/2023 13:28

I get why you're upset @neine - families can be weird sometimes.

My maternal grandparents promised their house to me (only grandchild), but wanted my uncle (my DM's only sibling who never married and still lived at home) to be able to live there during his lifetime. In the end, despite years of promising this (so I was led to believe it was coming to me), my DF advised them not to leave it to me because I already owned a house and it went to my uncle. He then - knowing what my grandparents had wanted - willed the property to DS (my and DH's only child who was 19 when he inherited). To say I was surprised is putting it mildly.

DH had an aunt and uncle whose only child was disabled and died in his twenties. DH is one of six siblings, a couple of whom rent and have struggled financially over the years. Even though they must have known that this nephew and niece would have benefited hugely from an inheritance however small, the aunt and uncle left their whole estate (mainly a property which sold for £400k in 2020 shortly after they died) to the charity supporting their late DS's disability. The family received nothing even though those living nearest had supported their aunt and uncle in their latter years.

But it is what it is....

mamnotmum · 19/04/2023 13:38

It's ok that you are sad about it.

But ultimately your aunt and mother did what they wanted to with their houses. And I'm afraid that was their decision.

They presumably had their reasons for giving it to your brother over the rest of you. Regardless though it was their asset and their choice.

Wc100423 · 19/04/2023 13:43

I’m working in the principle of receiving no inheritance and living my life.

Softoprider · 19/04/2023 13:51

@Wc100423 · Today 13:43
I’m working in the principle of receiving no inheritance and living my life.

Me too. One of four who never ever received any form of help from parents and never expected it so was not surprised or disappointed when my mother left what there was to my siblings.
Currently expecting to hear that my aunt who is vastly rich will leave everything to my siblings despite being close to me when I was a child and not to them, but in this family nothing was and is ever fair.
I have stopped wondering why because I know my brother has been grooming my aunt for years. It's what gets him out of bed every day

KievLoverTwo · 19/04/2023 15:08

neine · 19/04/2023 12:23

Not completely dissimilar thing happened with my Nan. 8 kids, half lived far, half near, aunt two doors away. Aunt took her shopping and popped in often, others didn’t, not only because they were raising a young family but because when they did, she was deeply passive aggressive about all the things they didn’t do for her ans ‘oh, you finally found time to come and see me, did someone die’ sort of thing.

She was a toxic, miserable old cowbag who was consistently unpleasant to any child aged 2 to 16 (god knows she never should have had kids) and nobody really wanted to spend much time around her.

When she died, quite a lot was left to said aunt then split between the seven of them, and most of them bitched about how little they had got out of her house after paying her mortgage for so many years whilst she freely gave away money to shopping aunt, tens of thousands over the years (she has always been bad with money).

Reality check: she could bring herself to withstand her toxicity and was physically always there for her. You chose not to come round or you chose to move away and assumed others would deal with the burden of her.

Oh, I went off on one.

I have a bigger problem with your brother not giving you a penny. What’s that all about? It sounds quite dysfunctional to me.

KievLoverTwo · 19/04/2023 15:10

No idea why some of my reply has underlined itself, sorry OP.

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