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Original poster

Elderly neighbours overly helpful/friendly

87 replies

Lollyloup95 · 16/02/2023 15:58

I'm due baby 2 very soon. Our elderly neighbours have always been a bit keen on offering their help, and now were having our second child, whenever we see them they constantly (normally 3 or 4 times in that one conversation) say "if you need anything please let us know!"
Once, I understand is friendly, but the 3rd or 4th time makes me feel like they feel we need to ask for more of their help! Which makes me feel awkward. They say it in a a way that we NEED to ask them for stuff.

DH and I are pretty self sufficient, in our early 30s and this is not our first home. When we moved in they acted like me were buying our first house but soon realised we didn't need loads of help with the house.
But now we have a second baby coming they are overbearing and I'm uncomfortable they are going to bother me a lot and act like im a poor soul who needs help.

How can we stop them treating us like kids who they need to look after?

OP posts:

jannier · 16/02/2023 17:11

Lollyloup95 · 16/02/2023 16:36

Okay so I'm lucky they're not rude horrible old bastards, but I can't for that reason feel completely comfortable which the way they are.
Yes we're not neighbourly by the old definition, but we're very neighbourly in terms of not making noise, keeping our house looking tidy, being polite when we see people etc etc.
In my book a neighbour should not be relied upon, and they are asking us to rely on them more, it's not something DH or I are comfortable with.

They haven't asked anything of you....your assuming because that's the way your brain works...some people just are good neighbors they don't want anything. Human kind has always had genuinely nice people it needs to have people who help each other to survive.

Original poster

Lollyloup95 · 16/02/2023 17:15

@jannier yes I totally get that, and I am a rather shy person who's probably a bit socially awkward, but if you constantly offer help to someone, are you not either implying they need help? Or asking for them to keep you busy?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lollyloup95 · 16/02/2023 17:15

And I just need to reiterate, this is every single conversation..

OP posts:

Original poster

Lollyloup95 · 16/02/2023 17:22

Chippychipschips · 16/02/2023 16:53

I don’t think you’re over thinking it, they sound overbearing. I think they want to adopt you as their project which I would find annoying.

Thank you @Chippychipschips this it totally how it feels.
I am a pretty decent person I like to think, and this feels overbearing and uncomfortable.

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 16/02/2023 17:33

I agree, asking several times in each conversation is too much. Sounds like they’re extremely keen to help and think that if you ask enough times, you’ll think of something.
I think PPs are being really unfair saying that you don’t sound like a very nice person. It’s ok to be uncomfortable with someone asking you the same thing over and over again. It’s not like you’ve rejected them in some unkind way.

FKATondelayo · 16/02/2023 17:37

How many conversations are you having with them that it's become annoying? How much interaction is there? I interact with my neighbours max once a month.

They are just late 70s. They probably don't know what to say to you so just repeat standard phrases. Also, like most older people, they love babies and probably hope to get to cuddle one.

I really don't see this as a problem. Just say 'no we're all right' and move on.

CottonSock · 16/02/2023 17:42

I'd be finding them jobs to do :)
Put out bins, mow the lawn etc.

BeeBB · 16/02/2023 17:42

YABU I think I would be very grateful and think myself lucky you have nice neighbours and you haven’t yet needed their help and you are so ‘up yourself’ you can’t even conceive a situation where you might one day need help.

I would just thank them and just say thats very kind I will let you know or maybe consider moving house and give them the chance to have nice neighbours living next door who might actually appreciate them.

PS I had two children extremely close together in age and I once had to make an emergency stop off at a neighbours to ask them to look after my eldest child who was just under 2 while I rushed with my baby up
our doctors. She was really really sick (I wouldn’t have had time to go anywhere or wait to ask anyone else to help me).

Pogpog21 · 16/02/2023 17:44

They sound lovely. I would say thank you very much and you really appreciate the offer, if anything ever comes up you’ll let them know but you are doing well at the moment. I think you might have a chip on your shoulder given your comment that they were acting like it was your first house. They have years of experience on you, time on their hands and a willingness to help you out -why kick a gift horse in the mouth? Our old neighbours were in their 70s and were so neighbourly - I often asked to borrow things if we didn’t have them and we were very very sad to say goodbye to them when we moved.

Original poster

Lollyloup95 · 16/02/2023 17:47

So because I might need their help one day, I should be grateful they are repeatedly implying we need to ask for their help? Can it be a bit less black and white than that?
Sure if they needed our help in an emergency we would absolutely be there for them, and in return I wouldn't think twice about asking for theirs in an emergency, but why should we be comfortable with someone asking us to keep them busy or implying we need their help?
There's being neighbourly and saying "if you need us we're here" say, when you move in, or when you first have the baby etc, but to say it 3/4 times every single conversation - AIBU to think that's excessive?

OP posts:

MinnieGirl · 16/02/2023 18:12

They are being nice kind decent neighbours, and you are being standoffish…. Or at least that’s how their generation will view it..
These days no one wants to talk to their neighbours, but their generation minded each others kids, had a cuppa together and were friends.
They are offering help as they see you as a young couple, that’s all. Smile sweetly and say we are ok thank you but it’s very nice of you to offer.

BeverlyHa · 16/02/2023 18:16

Give them the cold shoulder and move on.

cptartapp · 16/02/2023 18:20

Lollyloup95 · 16/02/2023 16:25

I have wondered if they're forward thinking and want to help us out so that when they're older (they're late 70s now) that we will offer help back. It's as if there's some motive because they constantly imply we need to knock their door if we need anything, but when you don't really need anything why would you do that just to keep someone happy?

This would be my worry. That they'll expect the same level of input from their neighbours as they seem keen to offer out. PIL are a bit like this with their neighbours, always encroaching on them and pestering for lifts.
Keep your distance.

Crunched · 16/02/2023 18:23

My MIL is exactly like this with everyone. She is always telling me the young couple next door but one, are very grateful that she has told them she will always be around if they need a babysitter (she is 91 and can't manage turning a microwave on, let alone a toddler). Another of her neighbours has told DH that his Mother has told him if he is struggling, she is not short of a few bob (!) I think he was a bit offended.
I think it is a particular type of person who does this. MIL is coming from a kind place and just doesn't pick up signals that she is overstepping boundaries. She is certainly not planning for a future payback. Annoying though.

MrsSquirrel · 16/02/2023 18:27

I would be uncomfortable with this too. It does sound excessive. Just because they don't mean any harm, doesn't mean you have to like it.

I would be polite and say thank you, but that's it.

TessoftheDubonnet · 16/02/2023 18:29

2bazookas · 16/02/2023 16:50

Give them something very small to do.
Walk your dog, fetch the newspaper or a pint of milk. Bring your bins back in.

It doesn't matter what, just to acknowledge their kind offer and reassure them that if ever you really DO need help you will ask.

I'd not do that. Before you know it, you might end up in quid pro quo situation.

I'd just remain polite, in a 'many thanks I will if we need help' kind of way.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 16/02/2023 18:45

Maybe the next time they offer, grab the bull by the horns and ask them why they keep offering. Or you could say, "Mabel, I'm a bit concerned that you might think we're struggling with life. Honestly we're fine. If we need any help, we know where to go." I would seriously doubt they're forward planning and lining you up as carers. Of course, it may be that one or them has the start of dementia and doesn't realise how often they are offering help in the same conversation.

Thighlengthboots · 16/02/2023 18:55

I disagree that its "kind", asking once is kind. Asking three times every time they see you is weirdly intrusive, pressuring and not respecting your "no thank you".
It shows a lack of boundaries and respect for your wishes.

You shouldnt have to tell someone THREE bloody times you dont need help every damn time you see them. Just because someone's intentions might be kind, doesnt mean they arent being annoying or disrespectful, or crossing personal boundaries.

I would use the broken record technique "thank you so much for offering but we do not need any help", then just repeat every single time they ask. Dont vary the reply, just rinse and repeat every time. They will get the message once they hear it repeated over and over again and you arent being rude because you have said thank you.

nicknamehelp · 16/02/2023 18:55

Why not embrace it and except help? I had similar neighbours when my dc where little and at times they really helped me out with baby sitting, hiding of Xmas presents etc they actually became like extra grandparents who dc cherished.

viques · 16/02/2023 19:04

Maybe they have picked up on you being a bit shy and socially awkward so are trying to ensure that you understand that yes, they really do mean it about help if you need it and they are not just being polite and making conversation.

But hey, if one day you manage to lock your keys in the house and find yourself on the doorstep with a baby and a toddler in the pouring rain just ignore the fact that there are people close by willing to help…….

( that is something that is really useful for kind neighbours to do actually, keep a spare set of keys for you, might be something worth considering.)

Thighlengthboots · 16/02/2023 19:11

that is something that is really useful for kind neighbours to do actually, keep a spare set of keys for you, might be something worth considering

Its also worth considering that this invalidates house insurance if you are ever burgled

LegodOut · 16/02/2023 19:31

It's probably just a bit of social grease they've picked up on, and repeat ad infinitum, almost like a tic.

My neighbour says (three or four times in a conversation), "Well, good to see you're keeping busy-busy". She's not looking for a response, it's just something she says reflexively, probably as it's a good phrase to have in her armoury to wind down a conversation, but then it's become habit, and she says it all the time (similar to 'Do let us know if we can help in any way')

So I think you're overthinking it.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 16/02/2023 19:33

Depends on the tone but I’d just say thanks and then ask them to watch your house every time you go on holiday. They’ll feel needed and you’ve got presumably retired people watching your house for you.

GetUps · 16/02/2023 19:37

I'd find some small way they can help and then help them back with something.

You might be smuggly self sufficient now but things change and you never know. When DH was terminally ill and needed full time care my neighbours and others were amazing. I'm quite capable ordinarily, but I don't know how I'd have got through that without the people around me.

loobylou10 · 16/02/2023 19:38

'Overly helpful/friendly neighbours'!! What a nightmare for you OP - they're just trying to be nice for gods sake. Smile and nod and say 'thank you we will'

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