Where would you live if you couldn't have kids?

[HungryTruck]

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for nearly two years. We are currently being referred for IVF on the NHS, but I'm realistic about the fact that it's going to be a long wait and we may not get the result we want at the end of it.

It's obviously been a very tough experience and, while we are still hopeful, we are finding it helpful to start planning the life we want if it's just us two forever.

We currently live in a 3-bed terrace on the South coast. We love our house, but it's in a location that's known for being a bit 'rough' with bad traffic and not much to do. We moved here because it was cheap for the region and near family (who would have happily supported with childcare), but not necessarily where I would have chosen to settle had I thought we'd be childless.

So, my question is - where would you live if you were childfree? Or where do you live if you are? And what kind of property would you choose and local amenities would you prioritise?

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles

We have no children, and live in a 2 bed terraced house on the outskirts of London. Not having to think about schools etc makes the decision about where to live a lot easier. We moved here 3 years ago because it's close enough to London to pop in whenever, but there's also lots of countryside and green space around. There's a good high street where we can get most things we need, and nice pubs and restaurants. Life is definitely more relaxed here than it was in zone 2 where we lived before, and I love that

Good luck with whatever comes next. I don't know if it's the right time to say this, but life without children can be really great x

Thank you @Lottapianos. Our current thoughts have been similar - somewhere that has beautiful nearby countryside, but also within a good distance to a city! Although I can't see that being London for us, as I went to uni there and it was never the best fit for me.

I think it's a good time to say it. I thought imagining life without children would be giving up, but actually it helps to think that, no matter what, there will be an outcome where we find happiness.

We live in Midlands in a village that's an easy commute to city centre and 5 minutes from motorway so we can bugger off for weekend breaks at the drop of a hat! We are on edge of green belt and because it's just the two of us, we were able to afford to buy a small house in a really lovey area. We've done some work to the house to make the downstairs a great entertaining space.

Coming to terms with infertility is shit, especially when all your friends have young kids. But as their kids get older , you get your friends back with the added bonus that you have the disposable income to do whatever lovely things you like!

New York.

the world is out there for you op x

@Newgirls has a good point! If you're going to move away from friends and family, seize the opportunity to go big! I have a few friends who have upped sticks and gone to NYC, a couple of friend went to Germany, one to Canada. I wish I had their guts! We're too much of homebird types and would never move so far away from family, but those I know that did are not regretting it!

I would go one of two ways. I would either live in a city centre with no car because I wouldn't need to drive anyone anywhere. I'd live in a flat because I didn't need access to a garden. Ideally an old tenement flat in a posh area of my city, close to the train station, near lots of coffee shops and wine bars and theatres.

Or I'd live in the countryside, somewhere quite remote. Again becauae I wouldn't need to worry about transporting teens around.

As it is I live in a predictable suburban bungalow on a good bus route and near to school.

How old are you OP?

If no children I think I would like to live somewhere within 20-25 walking distance of nice pubs, restaurants and independent coffee shops. Not a big city but somewhere smaller. Maybe somewhere in Yorkshire, North East or Scotland but within easy driving distance of a big city.

PS We were on the NHS IVF list and had almost given up hope. I finally got pregnant naturally after around 3 years of trying age 38.

Good for you @BettyBoo123456 but lots of people don't ever have that miracle, I'm sure you've read enough infertility posts during your journey to know that the 'don't give up hope' posts are not helpful, also it's completely irrelevant to this thread. Should op put her life on hold for years just in case?!
Op I did put my life on hold for ten years just in case and it never happened for us. I regret wasting those years. Do whatever makes you happy for you. Don't not do stuff 'just in case' If you are blessed with a baby you can then go get the family house.

Boring answer, sorry - I live somewhere convenient for where I work. Ironically it's near a very well-regarded school, but I didn't notice the school until after we moved in 😄 If I didn't have to consider work, I'd live somewhere near the sea I think.

'I think it's a good time to say it. I thought imagining life without children would be giving up'

There can be a huge amount of peace in so-called 'giving up'. Sometimes stepping off the rollercoaster and taking back control of your life is the smart and brave choice

Middle of fucken nowhere is where I’d live, in the deep dark woods like the bog witch I should always have been, far away from the noise and demands of the world in general.

Or a city, but not London. Brighton or Bristol (my friends live there and I am )

@Newgirls @postitpatty Going big is a great call! We did debate an Amsterdam move a few years back but I think deep down we are homebird types too - especially DH, who once turned to me 5 days into a 2 week holiday and said he was missing work!

We don't have kids, and recently moved to the South West. I've found it hard to meet people locally. Almost everyone in our age group does have kids, which of course doesn't preclude friendship, but I think realistically our lifestyles are just quite different, and parents tend to meet people via their own networks, school etc, which we are not part of. Aside from families, most other people locally are retired.

So if moving again, I'd consider what the local population is like. In London (where we moved from), people without children were very common and no one thought anything of us not having children. Here there is that slight feeling of being an oddity, and people are more likely to ask potentially awkward questions. But most importantly, we feel isolated as we haven't really established much in the way of proper friendships.

Because of this, I'd probably avoid rural areas and small towns in general, I imagine most would have a relatively similar dynamic to what I've described above. Doubtless there are some exceptions. But I'd probably live in a city, perhaps on the outskirts, and I'd prioritise cafes and pubs/ restaurants in walking distance, as well as some green space. Personally I'd still want a 3 bed house because we both WFH fulltime, and enjoy having guests.

Paris.

In your position I’d make something like a pro con list but more a want/don’t want list for your ideal location, then try to identify the place that best matches.

A big city definitely

Big city. If we hadn’t had DD we would’ve bought a fancy flat in our city centre of choice, with a good size balcony. That or following my dream of moving to NYC

My kids are grown now and I live in a big city with my dog. The dog is great company and is much easier than my kids were. The city is great because I have quite a few friends who never had kids here, and those that did also have grown up kids so it's so much easier to be spontanious and fill the days with fun stuff to do. I couldn't imagine living in a rural/semi-rural/small town the way my life looks now. It would be so dull.

All the child-free couples I know have either

a) moved abroad to live centrally in very culture-rich cities, particularly places where there’s a vibrant fancy restaurant scene (Paris, Barcelona) or theatre scene (London, New York), as these are two hobbies virtually incompatible with having small children.

or

b) despite being straight couples, moved to locations with lots of gay men (Brighton, Mykonos), who are much less likely to have children than gay women.

Those who can’t move for work reasons or responsibility for elders have bought second homes in very beautiful but slightly remote rural places which again aren’t really an option for people with small kids.

Another positive thing they do which I really envy is not just socialising with people for the sole reason they have young kids the same age. So they’ll have friends in their 70s because they met over a hobby, or go clubbing with their twenty something nieces and nephews. Others are into ultra-specialist hobbies like dressage or sailing and have a very busy schedule that means their teammates are basically their extended family.

I’d embrace having piles of extra spending ability and have a big place in the country. A longer commute is less of an issue without childcare, and schools don’t matter.

I live 5 minutes walk from the sea in a beautiful Cornish fishing village. If we had been able to have children there is no way we'd be here, I wouldn't have dragged a 10 year old here.

Having done a big move I can't stress enough how important location is. We live close to pubs and restaurants whilst also feeling like we're in the middle of nowhere which is perfect for us.

I chose where to live by writing a list "What makes me happy?". The sea was No 1 so here we are. I do miss my friends though.

Moved back to my home town 12 years ago for schooling for our dc. Also got a good deal on a house (after the 2008 FC slump) but I cannot wait to leave tbh.
I'm tied here for at least 2 more years (ds2 starting gcses) and dh doesn't particularly want to move.
I'm going - with or without him! :)
I think a bustling market town with a vibrant community would suit you well.
Good luck x

I gave up after multiple traumatic miscarriages, but I have to live within a certain radius of work so not a lot of changes I could make on that front. However, i did move from a semi next to a really noisy family who were adding another baby every two years to a detached where there’s currently only one child between all my neighbours, and they’re the politest child I’ve ever met!

I’m not a city person, I like big open views and being able to see the stars at night, so I know the kind of places I’d probably be happiest, but I’d definitely start with the big options when trying to narrow things down. Which country? If overseas, what kind of climate? Does it need to be somewhere English is the first language?

What do you want? Easy access to Theatres, live music, bars, restaurants etc? Or living miles from any of these, deep in the country?

City centre. My sister lives in a city, just out from the centre but can get there in maybe 10 minutes on the bus. Busy, but not late night drinking busy. Shops and facilities nearby, easy to get to station and motorway. Easy to access museums and galleries too. I'd go somewhere like that.

Or near the sea. I'd get a dog and walk along the beach every day. Access to a good train service to cities would help.

Anywhere that isn't angled towards primary school really, so that the house prices are reasonable and not having to compete with family buyers that can inflate markets.

It took us nearly four years, a missed miscarriage and icsi before our son came along. There was a point just before the icsi that I had finally accepted we may never have children.
DH and I talked about our life in that case and we decided we would try different countries just move about for a bit, work and travel on the weekends. DH works in IT so jobs are quite easy to come by for him and I have a masters and speak three languages and have experience teaching English as a foreign language. We had Thailand, Texas, China, Canada on our list. But were open to wherever else.
It was a nice consolation knowing we'd have this if icsi didn't work.