Did you leave the city for the suburbs? Or the countryside? Or stay put? How do you feel now?

[sezrah25]

A fairly classic dilemma here - or one that’s likely to bite in a few years, anyway. Interested to hear how others weighed it up.

Husband, 1yo and I live in zone 2/3 SE London. I’m pregnant with our second (and planned last).

We love the area. Buzzy, vibrant and cosmopolitan. Gorgeous parks and a great sense of space, but quick and easy to get central. Lots of lovely independent businesses. Loads going on. It was a great place to be on maternity leave and we’ve met lovely local parents.

So, we’re obviously very lucky.

But in a few years, the two issues that hit so many people are looming.

1 - space. I will hold my hands up here and say we’re luckier than many - though in a way that makes things harder (tiny violin) because we could stay here. We’re in a typical four bedroom Victorian terrace. It’ll only ever have one bathroom (and even fitting in a separate loo would be a struggle). The garden is little more than a yard. The kitchen is a galley affair with a tiny table. So there is enough space - but will we crave more as the children get older to the degree that we want to sacrifice the area?

2 - schools. We have lovely local primaries, dodgy local secondaries. Obviously we’re a long way off needing to use them, and things can change. We also really oscillate on how we actually feel about schools. Neither of us went to outstanding schools, and we’ve done fine. We like the idea of a local comp politically. But obviously we’re going to care about the wellbeing of our kids above all else.

Because we met a little later, lots of of our friends already have primary/ pushing secondary children. We know people who’ve moved to the suburbs, who’ve left London altogether and who have committed to their own zone 2 Victorian terraces for the long haul. And we oscillate wildly in terms of what we think of each decision.

Although it’s years off, I also keep oscillating in terms of what I think will be best for teenagers. Obviously we’ll want them at the best schools we can manage. But I also love the idea of them having easy access to the city, and the amazing array of things there are to do in an area like ours. And with younger kids, is lack of garden a real loss, or can we not just carry on being perfectly happy with our local park? I grew up in the countryside and my teenage self would have LOVED the idea of being in London - I think!

Realistically, we’re going to stay where we are, monitor the local secondary and hope it gets to a stage where it’s decent. If we can afford a side extension one day, we’ll do that.

I mean, we’re years off actually having to make a decision. But I’m just interested in what other people think about this very very ‘done’ dilemma. Which decision did you make? And how do you feel about it now? If you went for the move, do you think you’ll stay there after your children have left home, or try and head back to the city?

You sound very wedded to the area that you currently live in which is all very understandable.

As you grew up in the countryside you do know what it is like and it's very different indeed. I'm late 50s and moved a few years ago from buzzy SW London to a rural Hampshire market town. I still struggle with it sometimes at my stage in life having been born in Beckenham and moved to Clapham at 20.

If it were me at your stage in life I would save for the side extension to give you the bigger kitchen and squeeze in a downstairs loo. Do you have potential to go into the loft to give extra space or has that already been done? You already have the 4 bedrooms so that's a big bonus.

You can make a courtyard garden pretty and if I'm guessing the area right you have loads of local parks to enjoy with children. When they get to the teen years they don't care about a big garden anyway!

You seem to enjoy everything about your locality which is good. You recognise that your teenage self would have loved living in London. Why change something that works for you? Some make the move and it works out well, some hanker for what they know, others decide they have made a mistake. But one thing for sure is that London prices rise / maintain at a higher rate and it's often very hard to go back as you get priced out of the London market.

We moved from city to suburbs to count

Sorry pressed post too early!

...countryside and absolutely love it. Dd is 4 and is thriving, we have a large garden and lots of space around us. We can walk straight into the forest and see rivers and lakes and lovely views. The people are really welcoming and the community feel is amazing. We can easily get to the town and even the city without much hassle. For us it has been really positive, but it is different for everyone and only you can decide if it will be right for you and your family.

Similar dilemma but different city. We moved. I don't love it if I'm honest. However, we moved somewhere with excellent transport and family links, and I do think it was the best for the kids and our particular work situation. Everyone's situation is different.

The kids are very happy. Seeing them.play in a garden is lovely, and I LOVE living in a warm, damp free house for the first time ever. You'd have to drag me back to a victoriana terrace now, and I loved them previously.

Swings and roundabouts really, probably not helpful sorry!

I moved to the countryside from Manchester suburbs. Very happy, love the space and peace. But your place sounds great, you mention being able to access lots of stuff the city offers. Public transport wasn't great where we were, so we had all the traffic and horrid rude people (amongst the nice ones, but naturally more people=more aresholes) but few of the benefits of easy access to fun stuff (without car). We had inconsiderate neighbours and rubbish secondary schools.

Sounds like your main issue over which you have no control is the secondary schools, but they can change a lot in a few years. New head and it could all be different, so I'd sit tight until you're near school choosing time and then see how things are then.

So many wise words here. Interestingly I lived in Manchester for the best part of a decade @CleopatrasBeautifulNose and adored it! I often bring it up as a city we could attach ourselves to if we decided to leave London altogether…my partner is London born and bred though…

And @friendlycat you’re absolutely right re space, I think. And the pricing ourselves out of London thing. The top two bedrooms are in the attic so no loft option, the only real way of adding space would be the side extension (and we’d definitely be saving for a long time!) But then once you add in stamp duty, cost of moving etc, it’s not so bad…. I think sometimes I sit in our living room which already feels so much more ‘full’ now we have a baby with all their paraphernalia and try to imagine two adults and two teenagers hanging out there together - but what exactly am I expecting?! Multiple huge sprawling reception rooms and games rooms and things?! On the other hand, having grown up in the countryside I did have my fair share of parties in big farmhouses and things and….I don’t know, it was wonderful in some ways!

So glad you feel you made the right decision @RobinRobinMouse , I definitely lust after the big garden and countryside on the doorstep. And finding a great community is the dream!

And sorry to hear you don’t love it @YellowHpok but also totally get what you mean about it being the best family decision regardless. Work is a good point - we both have pretty London-centric jobs and though we could change that it would be a big change… Also, currently shivering in my Victorian living room, I can imagine the heat is a game-changer!

We lived in what sounds like the same area of SE London until the kids were 5 and 7. Moved to a popular city on the coast an hour away (I am acting like no one will guess where this is 😆) and love it. Still cosmopolitan and fun but I am more relaxed about the secondary schools here. I loved London too but it’s only an hour away on the train, I used to do that daily IN London. When the trains go of course.

We moved from London to Cumbria in July 2021. DS was due to start secondary, so it was 'now or never'. We had a very nice life in East London, but after 30+ years of city life we fancied a change.

We thought we'd miss it - and we do, sometimes, a bit - but to be honest the pros massively outweigh the cons. Life is very different here. Slower, calmer. It's easy to get a lot done in a day. Lots of focus on outdoor life which suits us.

However, we were in the exceptionally fortunate position of both being able to work from home and having a significant amount of equity that allows us to live mortgage free. Most importantly, our son is happy and thriving, although he's still getting used to it (as are we).

Would we go back? Nope. We adore London and we always will. But we don't miss the daily annoyances from the occupants of the local crack houses, or the constant feeling that anything could happen any minute (and often did in our old 'hood, sadly). Or having to check the borders of the local play park for discarded needles. That sort of stuff. Londoners put up with so much that it just becomes part of normal life, and we were done with it.

oops - pressed send too early.

A major factor was the size of our house. We were bursting at the seams and with nowhere else affordable that would have extra space. We wanted to be either in London 'proper' (zone 2 or 3) or out of it completely - so off we went!

We moved from London to a village near a popular commuter town (that’s as specific as I’ll go 😂)

Like you, we were in a lovely area with great primaries and mediocre secondaries. We also had a house which wasn’t our dream but was definitely big enough for us and our two kids.

There were a couple of big differences though - firstly that having gone to fairly average/below average secondaries ourselves we both felt quite strongly that we wanted to have different school options for our own children (different and not necessarily “better” as I realise that is subjective). I completely see why others might choose something else and I respect that, it’s a really personal thing.

The other factor was that neither of us really felt that connected to the local area or to London. We’d both enjoyed our time there but neither of us felt like London people. I have actually found it easier to make friends here than I did in London. Again this seems a bit different to your situation.

So I guess in summary I’d say yes I’m glad we moved and I feel it’s worked out well for us but it’s incredibly personal and in your shoes I’m not sure I’d make the same decision.

There are pros and cons with everything.

But do remember the big sprawling house with numerous reception rooms, large garden etc comes at a price. Not necessarily the actual purchase price of the property but everything else.

i.e. Different council tax band by perhaps 2 band differences
Utility costs to heat and light the place
Public transport costs
Rural taxis are hugely expensive
Those tricky teenage years where they want their independence and transport on tap

At least you do know the other edge of the coin so to speak from your own personal experience. Perhaps just let the idea float about without making any firm decisions for the future as you may have a big change of heart several years down the line when schooling is upon you.

I grew up in London zone 2. Terraced house, small garden (although maybe bigger than yours?), but a park at the end of the road. I walked to school (primary and secondary), and could bus or tube into zone 1. I loved it. As an adult I couldn’t afford zone 2, and moved to zone 4. Never loved it, but still had everything on my door step (except the tube because I went from North west to South east). We just moved to zone 6. Lovely detached house, but oh my goodness do I miss having the park/supermarket/cinema/shops/station within east distance. I don’t miss my smallish terraced house with my neighbours in my garden (practically), but I really do miss the closeness of things. I would honestly say don’t move too far out yet. We moved for schools and space but I think we may plan to move back in a few years.

we've stayed in a not-very-big house in London zone 2. the kids can travel all over London as teenagers and I have a pretty easy commute to work and there is masses of culture on our doorstep. I do sometimes dream of space and countryside but I don't think I'd actually like it every day.

We've lived in the city centre, in the suburbs and in the countryside. Overall, I'd say a good school has been the single most important decision for our teens and living on the outskirts of a smaller town was the best location - independent shops; cinema; theatre; swimming pool; gym, etc - and good transport links into the nearest big city. Plus we were able to have a bigger house and a garden. There wasn't a weekend when we didn't have friends round, or someone having a sleepover or people over for dinner. It was fab.

We're staying put. We are in what sounds like a similar area in SE but zone 3/4 borders. 3 bed terrace and hard to extend due to the build style- we can possibly squeeze a 4th tiny bedroom and extra shower in. We do have a small garden (and also had an allotment). Our street is lovely- it's a dead end so no traffic, lovely neighbours, close to 2 train stations with a 17min commute to Victoria. Everything is within a 15 minute walk. Kids are 9 and 6.

We did consider moving but it would mean a new big mortgage (we bought at the right time and have quite aggressively paid the mortgage down) a long commute and needing to run a car. We love London- there is so much on and loads of it is free or cheap- we do loads of outdoor stuff and it's easy to get to the coast for the day if you like. Whenever I go "home' my eyes water at how much everything costs. We have a DC with SEN as well and there are more support options in London.

I grew up really rurally. It's nice for small kids but we were bored out of our brains as teens, our parents used to refuse to ferry us about and there was loads of hanging out with unsuitables, dangerous teen driving and drinking. My school was awful as well. You can't only have one secondary option in zone 2/3 surely? We have several.

A couple of friends have moved back to their home areas but have found it hard as the kids get to primary age and they want to lean back in to careers. They're a bit stuck.

I do also think you need to plan for the life you have every day. If you are up and down to London every day you won't have time to be down at the beach every day after school. Isn't it better to have a short easy commute day to day and then head out at the weekends?

I will caveat by saying we've had a couple of years 'break' overseas - our flat is loads bigger than our house but we still never go to the beach after school/work and we have to drive everywhere which I loathe. So in lots of ways it crystallizes we'd rather have less space and more happening. You will probably find as you move away from the early years the garden etc becomes less important and before you know it you've got a 9yo and are thinking about secondary schools.

I moved out when I had young children and moved back again a few years later!

ime it isn't worth moving out for a larger house and garden. Like you I loved London and really missed it when I went. I also had to commute into London and that really sucked ! I loved my big house and I made some good friends, but I missed London.

I moved back just for my oldest dc to start secondary school. Have been back 11 years now and seen several others through secondary school. I have no regrets about it at all (apart from losing ALOT of money on property when I moved out...). I now live in a Victorian terrace in zone 2. My teens would say its the best place to grow up.

I think you should save for your side extension, and embrace all the good things about living in the area you do!

oh and I have friends a few years older than I am, with children who are now approaching 18 (all living in Victorian terraces in zone 2) as their children leave home, their plans are to sell their houses and buy a flat in London and a house elsewhere. I think that sounds quite appealing....

Could you re arrange the space you have already? Front bedroom tends to be larger than downstairs front room so could turn that into living room? Also poss warmer as upstairs away from cellar draughts?

Think about knocking down / putting in internal walls.

I just moved to a lovely Kent seaside town last week after living in London for 30 years and so far I am really enjoying it.

I can easily walk to the shops/supermarket/station/sea front and leisure centre, it is safe and quiet and there is a nice sense of community.

Towards the end I absolutely hated living in East London: the noise, crowds, pollution and I no longer felt safe there.

Of course it would have been different if I could have afforded to live in a leafy part of London in a decent-sized house.

I can still easily commute when I want to enjoy London's cultural life so for me it is the best of both worlds.

If you are settled where you are and enjoy the area and everyone is happy, I don't see why you would move though.

I live in a small rural town in a really beautiful part of the country (previously lived in very remote Scotland, London and Manchester). The town is pretty but has a lot of bored teenagers and therefore a not awful, but quite visible petty antisocial behaviour problem. I feel quite sorry for them, there is very little for them to do. I think that it’s a great place for small children but awful for teenagers, and I’d always want to think long term.
Our local secondary school is absolutely shocking as well…

It’s not a consideration I needed to take when looking to buy and bought for its access to amazing hiking/climbing but if I had teenagers or children that would one day be teenagers there’s no way I’d have moved here

We made the move from Z2 to a small town in the Home Counties. Yes, I miss the vibrancy, multiculturalism and accessibility of London. No, I do not miss the crime and the pollution.

Had I married a fellow Londoner I doubt we would have moved. But I married a countryman who hated living in the big city. So we found a compromise. We also now have a garden and an ensuite, and the dc have their own bedrooms, but that was the icing on the cake, not the reason for moving. It's not a trendy town by any description, but the schools are good and the train and car connections are good. I miss London but I don't regret the move.

That's a very good point. We already had some of our dc when we moved, so education and services were higher on our list than access to hill-walking. Hence us ending up in a fairly ordinary little town rather than a beauty spot.

We live in a town outside of London but commutable to London and it’s very boring. It’s billed as family friendly and has good schools and the kids are happy. We move within the town from a smaller 4 (but should’ve been a three bed) terrace to a 4 bed detached. Purely as we went from 2 kids to 3. We’ve got a downstairs loo, family bathroom and en-suite but aside from the loo everyone uses the en-suite so I really wouldn’t worry about only one bathroom.

Unless you find another area you really love, I’d consider staying put especially if your jobs are quite London centric. The commuting costs would mount up plus the time it takes.

Kids adjust to what space they have.

We moved from Beckenham to the south coast where I grew up and have family. I adored the area and nearby Crystal Palace but with a young child we weren't benefitting from London like we used to and we were able to upsize from a two bed flat with communal garden to a three bed house with a garden. Couldn't have really had a second child in London due to space/cost. I do miss aspects of living in Beckenham but there's lots of wonderful things for us to do down here and we can always to go London for weekends when they are older or in school hols. Overall no regrets. Hope you find a solution that works for you x

We left a major city for a rural area within a fairly easy commute of a couple of small towns 20 odd years ago, and wild horses wouldn't drag us back.
There are a few things I miss about city life of course, like being able to spontaneously decide to go out to the theatre and having multiple restaurants serving different cuisines on your doorstep. We still do those things, but it always has to be planned and generally involves travel. But on the other hand, there are things that we used to have to travel for that are now on our doorstep, so that balances out.
The big pluses for us were property prices, reduced commuting times, low crime, easy access to outdoor activities and better schools. We live in a house that would have been beyond our wildest dreams if we had stayed where we were, and I was able to reduce my working hours and still afford it.
When we lived in the city I had to leave home at 7.10 at the very latest to stand any chance of being at work for 9, and of course it was the same on the way back. Here, for a comute of almost exactly the same distance I could leave home at 8.15 drop the children at school/nursery and still have time for a coffee before starting work at 9.
Most of our hobbies are outdoorsy things so the benefit of that, for us, outweighed it being more difficult to access other activities and my children have grown up being able to do things as after school activities that would have probably only been holiday/occasional weekend activities if we lived in the city still.
The schools here are very good, both primary and secondary. We would probably have opted for private schools had we stayed where we were but there's very good state provision where we are now. That's freed up money for lots of other stuff. Our children have all been very happy here - in fact one has chosen to move to somewhere even more remote. But they have interests that are well served here and we have had both the time and the money to take them to other places when needed, so I appreciate that they have been more privileged than some of their peers.
Of course there are downsides. We have to travel for lots of things. One of my children is very sporty so there's lots of long journeys to both training and competitions.Options can be limited for those with less mainstream interests. If you don't drive it would be a nightmare as there is no public transport. We are an hour from the nearest mainline railway station and over 2 hours from the nearest airport. Healthcare options can be limited, and again involve travel. I was in hospital for 2 weeks an hour from home recently and its difficult for people to visit. DS sees a Consultant at our "local" children's hospital which is over 100 miles away, so an outpatient appointment basically takes the whole day. Childcare was a bit tricky when ours were younger. As most of the population is fairly static many people use family members for childcare so paid options were limited, especially in school holidays and outside 9-5 working hours.
Nowhere is perfect. Where we chose has worked very well for us, because ot suits our lifestyle, interests, personalities and our jobs. The pluses outweigh the downsides as far as we are concerned, but it wouldn't suit everyone. When I visit cities I do see things that I think would be nice to be closer to and I generally enjoy visiting. But I'm always happy to come home too!