Did you leave the city for the suburbs? Or the countryside? Or stay put? How do you feel now?

[sezrah25]

A fairly classic dilemma here - or one that’s likely to bite in a few years, anyway. Interested to hear how others weighed it up.

Husband, 1yo and I live in zone 2/3 SE London. I’m pregnant with our second (and planned last).

We love the area. Buzzy, vibrant and cosmopolitan. Gorgeous parks and a great sense of space, but quick and easy to get central. Lots of lovely independent businesses. Loads going on. It was a great place to be on maternity leave and we’ve met lovely local parents.

So, we’re obviously very lucky.

But in a few years, the two issues that hit so many people are looming.

1 - space. I will hold my hands up here and say we’re luckier than many - though in a way that makes things harder (tiny violin) because we could stay here. We’re in a typical four bedroom Victorian terrace. It’ll only ever have one bathroom (and even fitting in a separate loo would be a struggle). The garden is little more than a yard. The kitchen is a galley affair with a tiny table. So there is enough space - but will we crave more as the children get older to the degree that we want to sacrifice the area?

2 - schools. We have lovely local primaries, dodgy local secondaries. Obviously we’re a long way off needing to use them, and things can change. We also really oscillate on how we actually feel about schools. Neither of us went to outstanding schools, and we’ve done fine. We like the idea of a local comp politically. But obviously we’re going to care about the wellbeing of our kids above all else.

Because we met a little later, lots of of our friends already have primary/ pushing secondary children. We know people who’ve moved to the suburbs, who’ve left London altogether and who have committed to their own zone 2 Victorian terraces for the long haul. And we oscillate wildly in terms of what we think of each decision.

Although it’s years off, I also keep oscillating in terms of what I think will be best for teenagers. Obviously we’ll want them at the best schools we can manage. But I also love the idea of them having easy access to the city, and the amazing array of things there are to do in an area like ours. And with younger kids, is lack of garden a real loss, or can we not just carry on being perfectly happy with our local park? I grew up in the countryside and my teenage self would have LOVED the idea of being in London - I think!

Realistically, we’re going to stay where we are, monitor the local secondary and hope it gets to a stage where it’s decent. If we can afford a side extension one day, we’ll do that.

I mean, we’re years off actually having to make a decision. But I’m just interested in what other people think about this very very ‘done’ dilemma. Which decision did you make? And how do you feel about it now? If you went for the move, do you think you’ll stay there after your children have left home, or try and head back to the city?

Oh, and i meant to say that lack of diversity can be an issue too. I didn't notice it myself initially as my workplace was pretty diverse, but as my children were growing up, I realised that their friendship groups were very homogenous.

Good friends of ours have this year moved from zone 3 SE London to the south coast and are really miserable.

All the things they moved for - beach, big house etc haven't made up for losing the community and buzz they had in London.

My friend described it as ' a very expensive mistake', and said there are only so many trips you can do to the same beaches weekend in and out.

She came over for dinner a few weeks ago and cried. Her eldest child is suffering from long covid and she's stuck at home with him and feels totally isolated, her husband still works in London so is travelling back and forth loads.

I wouldn't personally risk it unless you have good family friend networks in place as I think the novelty of all that fresh air and romping round the countryside can wear off pretty fast.

My in laws are in a rural part of Warwickshire and whilst I love to visit, I'm itching to get back to London after a few days!

We moved and I love it, the kids are happier. In general it’s made my life easier by far, don’t have to worry so much about day to day things like traffic, road rage (which was terrible in my area of London), not so much crime, people friendly and more relaxed and I don’t have to put the kids on a waiting list for 18 months for swimming lessons/ brownies etc. But I also was definitely ready for a change and wanted to live more rurally, plus we can be back in London in about an hour or so. I think people who move just for the kids/ schools and who personally would rather stay are the ones who find it most difficult/ regret it.

We moved from SE London to suburbia when our youngest was born. We did NOT like it and moved back to SE London two years later. Very happy that we did.

I'd say to anyone thinking of moving out of London - it is very different, more different than you expect, almost another country. Don't do it without a plan B: make sure you can move back if it doesn't work out.

I grew up in semi-rural and as an older teenager/young adult it seriously cut down on the possibility of a part-time work and work experience. At uni, people on my course who were from London were able to take unpaid placements during holidays etc., whereas I had to turn them down as no way to pay for the accommodation. I also stayed in uni accommodation year round to keep my part-time job and never moved home after uni because I would never have found work.

I grew up in London zone 2 and moved out when DC1 was a year old. I am a convert - nice house/garden, great state schools and my DC (now teens) are having a more "innocent" childhood than I did (in terms of sex, drugs etc). The main downside is all the driving around!

We moved (from a tiny 2-bed central London flat I adored and adored living in) to a village in the SE when DC2 came along. I hated it. Didn’t find ‘our people’, hated having to drive everywhere, etc. Lovely house though! We then moved to another village about 3 yrs later. Much better (can cycle to a station, good local community, better access to countryside, kids can walk 3 mins to village school), walkable/cycle-able to great little town that attracts lots of London emigres. We like it here a lot and kids are happy. Buuuuut, my heart will always be in London. I miss the vibe. I mourn the friendships that have drifted because I’m not around for a quick drink or meet up. I miss being able to walk everywhere. I can get to London and back for an evening but it means having to leave the evening early to get a train that still gets me home very late and then I’m knackered the next day.

If I could do it all again? It’s a tough one. I’d probably move to the town we’re just outside of.

I think there's pros and cons to each but being suburban born and bred and seeing the difference in how we grew up and my friends kids do now, compared to the families who live in the countryside I would say countryside means you are tied to being a taxi service to your kids until they either reach 17 and you fund them a car of their own or they leave home! I honestly think that lockdown was the first time they've actually had time to properly appreciate where they live and explore the countryside that's on the doorstep. School catchments are bigger in rural areas and friend's birthday parties could be an hours drive away, there's less choice of activities and even exam subjects at high school, childcare facilities can be hard to find, my friends are now spending their weekend evenings tea total to head out late to collect their kids from parties / the station after trips to the cinema etc.....
If I had to compromise I'd probably aim for a small market town with good local amenities and public transport links.

I really miss living closer to the city and general city life, but in actual fact I LOVE where we live now in the suburbs, especially with kids. It's so nice having more room around us

Just one small point- the countryside has changed a lot even in the last 10 years, with local shops/post offices/other services etc closing, and bus routes being scrapped (which teenagers who can't drive might find a bit of a problem). You'd not be moving back to what you had then, unless you were very lucky.

A very good point- kids without such access are now finding that careers (in the arts especially) are now no-go unless Mummy and Daddy are rich enough to buy them a London flat.

We're staying put - currently live in a 2 bed flat in zone 1, and moving next month to a 4 bed Victorian terrace in zone 2. I grew up in London so I don't have that hankering after childhood memories that many people do when they move from countryside to city - being connected and busy is just normal to me, and it's what I want for my DDs too. We try to make the most of being in London and are out with the dc at theatres, galleries, museums most weekends. Crime stats are high here but we've never been affected, and we tend to go to big London parks and never see discarded needles or anything like that.

I dislike driving and DH and I aren't 'White British' which are big factors for wanting to stay urban - I just don't think we'd feel comfortable in many smaller towns/rural areas in the UK (we take lots of UK short breaks so we've spent time in different areas). The discussions about the ULEZ, train strikes and rise in fuel costs on MN make me feel relieved that I don't have to rely on having a car or commuting in - it's just so easy to get anywhere in any direction, and DD can walk to her school and DH can walk to work, and I wfh. Loads of baby and child activities within walking distance or short bus trip - we do something different every day, and much of it is very high quality, e.g. events at British Museum, Tate Modern etc.

DDs are 4 and 1 and we've taken secondary schools into account when moving - stamp duty is eye-watering so it's definitely worth avoiding that again if you can find somewhere with good primary and secondary options (plus moving in Year 5 in time for secondary applications can be stressful as you'll have to either commute back to the old primary or move them for just the final year). The secondary we've moved near has been sought-after since I was at school (which was a long, long time ago!) so I don't think it'll radically change before we apply for DD. I agree with pp that it's worth investigating the other nearby secondaries in your area, it's very common for secondary aged kids to travel further, especially if they can get in on academic or religious selection. But that felt like a bit of a gamble to me (the grammar schools in N London are very competitive, and none of us are baptised) so we've opted to aim for a secondary with pure distance-based selection.

I probably live near you from the sounds of it. We are in a similar position - very fortunate to have just about enough space for now but wondering if we'll start to feel squeezed as the kids get bigger. They are older than yours and nearly all already in primary school so we feel more pressure to make a decision and move within the next couple of years.

Like you, we love the local area, their school, our friends, what London has to offer both locally and centrally. But as well as issues of space, we also struggle with the idea of the local secondary schools particularly for our boy, less so for our girls as the girls-only comp near us is apparently very good. We also hate the pollution, how hemmed in we can feel and how hard it is to get out of the city. We could move further out, but can't get excited about either London suburbs 'proper' (I don't count where we live in zone 2/3 borders as the suburbs!) or commuter towns in Kent/Sussex. And we can't really afford places like Brighton or Oxford.

So we're thinking of moving to a different, smaller city completely - going either west (Bristol) or north (Newcastle, Edinburgh, Glasgow) - which feels very scary and drastic because at least one of us needs a new job to do this and we would be totally starting again socially. But if we can pull it off, it would give us space, good schools (assuming we could identify right catchment etc) and the benefits of city living with easier access to interesting countryside and outdoor pursuits than London.

I also think that climate change is going to make London summers very unpleasant in future years and I want to avoid that if possible. Not saying that other cities won't be also affected of course - nowhere is going to escape the impacts - but London has the combination of being in the south east and having a significant urban heat island effect. I hate extreme heat and the idea of more regular 40C+ days like July's make me want to run for the hills.

We moved when child was 2. From zone 3 to Surrey.

We are glad we did and are v happy.
We like the sense of community. The kids all go to same schools, bump into each other in park, at scouts etc.

they are growing up knowing the same community of people.

we did a LOT of looking around to find somewhere with a lovely centre and things to do and we did move somewhere where we have easy access to London though. I couldn't be really rural.