Depressed in new house

[hoipolloih]

When will this cloud of doom lift?

On mat leave. Baby is six months old. Spent most of my mat leave so far in our old tiny rental, desperate for the purchase to complete. Now we've moved in and I've realised how much there is to do to make it feel like home and it's so hard with a baby as time is so limited.

I just feel so dejected and demoralised. It's a lovely location but we had lots of work done to a really poor standard. Theres so much stuff everywhere and nowhere for it to go. I'm realising that my mat leave will end and I will have spent the entire thing in messy environments just wishing to feel like I was in a home.

/ fully aware I sound like a dramatic first world problem wanker but forgive me please /

How long til you moved and it felt like home?
My partner works full time so the weekends feel really frantic with trying to get practical stuff done, just feel like I can't enjoy life at the moment because we can't actually do anything except DIY!

I think this isn't just a diy problem! It's hard being at home with a baby at the best of times (lovely too, but also hard).
I think making one room calm and nice would be a good start, then you can retreat there and pretend the rest of the house is the same! And get outside too and go to other places so you aren't seeing mess all the time.

It took me a good year at least, maybe just over. I hated it and was looking at other houses for months. Something clicked and now I love it. Can’t imagine living anywhere else!

I think one of the things about moving is that all the problems with the house are new to you, so it can all feel very overwhelming. I think when you've been somewhere for a while, the things that need doing can fade into the background a bit; you know they need doing but also you're used to working round them and they don't seem so problematic. Where when you move it feels much more as though everything needs doing and it's just a lot. Add to that the fact that getting anything done around a baby is fundamentally impossible anyway, and I'm not surprised it feels a bit much.

Would it be possible to focus on getting one room nice? So you can be in there, with baby, and have a bit of a nest?

Thanks for your replies; I already feel a little better having read them. It's helped to sort of say it out loud as well... I kind of built this move up to being the solution to all my problems and it's sort of humiliating to admit that it hasn't been.

I'll definitely try to focus on one room first. I think the bedroom is probably the easiest to tackle. You're right. Then at least that's one safe haven to retreat to.

That's tough for you, and I'm sorry.
If you poke around on this section of Mumsnet you'll find lots of us in doer-uppers who have had, or are having, bad times when everything seems a bit hopeless or out of control. Even if your place isn't an actual doer-upper with the dramatic stuff like floors missing and ceilings falling in etc. the problem is essentially the same- sometimes it feels like you don't know where to start it's so depressing. But you will also find encouragement from those who have been through it, and advice about things to do to help yourself feel better. Getting one room nice is one of those, as is putting pictures/posters on the walls to make it feel more like 'yours'.
A move is always a beginning, not an end. And like all beginnings it has its good and bad moments, but hang on to the fact that you're now in your own place where you're more secure and in control, and you have more space- that's a good start. Hang on to the potential it has- which you must have seen before- you've just temporarily lost sight of that in all the stress, very understandable- it's difficult enough 'breaking in' a new house without having a brand-new youngster to cope with as well. You'll get there in the end, but it will take time. If you can take the proverbial deep breath and remember you aren't trying to make a home against the clock, it might help. Only on daft TV programmes do things have to be done in a mad rush, you can take time to plan and do things as it suits you. I find I actually enjoy the planning stages these days.
And do check out the many threads here from doer-upers/extenders in despair, they usually have responses with sensible tips and suggestions, and sometimes even some funny stories- as well as finding advice, it might cheer you up to read some of the more amusing disasters!

I understand completely. I moved five weeks ago to a house that is actually bigger than my previous one. But there isn’t much storage and things seem to take ages to sort out, trades don’t return my calls and everything will be (through sucked teeth) “looking at next February/March”. I’m sick of people telling me that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I just want to shout that it bloody well would be if I was in charge.
I don’t even like the house much. I know I will eventually but it’s really hard right now.

In one house it took me about a year.

In another the sellers had covered up a load of things, left certain things in a mess (they left dangerous light fittings, and had to get an emergency electrician in first day), and almost everything was a bodged job.

I did my best to fix things then sold it on after 6 months because the experience was so bad. I lost a bit of money but not too much as the market had risen, but it was worth it as life is too short.

Hey OP I know the feeling, we moved into our house when I was 6 months pregnant, during that awful heatwave and I was just so tired and drained and didn't feel up to anything! Plus it needed loads doing. You say you have loads of stuff and nowhere for it to go. Can you be ruthless and in the time you have left off work do a massive declutter? I struggled massively with 'stuffocation' and I realised loads of the stuff I'd moved I didn't actually need or want. I've got rid of loads to charity shops, sold some on fb marketplace or taken stuff to the tip. Is this an option?

Also lists! I started writing lists of what needed doing and then prioritised into what we could afford to do, what desperately needed doing and what we wanted doing but wasn't urgent. I try do a few things off the list a week so it's manageable, like last week we ticked off getting doors hung upstairs, finishing the landing painting and putting artwork up. It feels really productive ticking stuff off. I appreciate this is hard with a baby though!

We were in exactly the same position last year. Moved from a rented home into our new house with a 6 month old after a year long purchase wrangle. It was tough. It felt like someone else's house for a few months as it took time to redecorate and make it ours. I spent the rest of my maternity leave trying to sort the place out and we still have boxes in the spare room and hardly any pictures on the walls!

What really helped though was to focus on one room at a time, we usually gave ourselves a month to get the work done to each room so as to not overload ourselves and it felt a realistic timeline. We painted the living room and study (my husband had to work from home) before we moved in so that we had two useable rooms as a base. We camped out in the spare room with boxes and suitcases for a month while we painted the master bedroom, built wardrobes and got furniture organised, then all 3 of us moved in there. Then we painted the baby's room and set it up as her nursery and she moved in there. Then we focused on getting the curtains and blinds up throughout, then the new light fittings, then taking up the decking and getting the garden ready for summer and so on. We just finished the kitchen and hall 18 months after moving in. The stairs and landing are next!

I've just started maternity leave again and we still have things to do but it feels much more like home than it did. I'm actually looking forward to finishing things off this time and have great plans to turn the spare room into a playroom! 😀

To start with you notice everything. Give a few weeks and you become more oblivious to the flaws!

How much needs a total overhaul and how much is a touch up?.

We bought 1970s monstrosity with a nine month old baby. We did nursery first and living room but a lot of the rest had paint slapped over wallpaper (and even the fake wood in the kitchen).

I used to park baby asleep by front door and see if I could get a coat done in nap time! It wasn't perfect and we have redone pretty much every room since but for a week or two of frantic work it made it bearable with minimum disruption. The full replastering, new kitchen etc took longer so although it was only temporary, it got us through a year or two looking at least fresh and clean and a whole lot less depressing

And sort your storage as a priority. Even if it's a bit of IKEA kallax and hanging rails. Makes it much easier to live in

Having a young baby and being in a new house must feel rather overwhelming so don't feel that you must be in a rush to get everything perfect OP. Things will get better in their own time, so enjoy baby for now and don't stress about the house. If you're safe, warm and fed - that's all that really matters for now.

So much sympathy. We got the keys months ago but loads of (unexpected and expensive) work needed doing. We were spending evenings and every weekend doing DIY of some sort. It was really depressing. None of our friends saw us and we both work full time and couldn’t give as much as we wanted to our jobs. And we don’t even have a new baby to throw in the mix. We moved in a month or so ago. There’s still more to do. The kitchen is the worst (ran out of money before finishing it).

We’ve made half of one room (the living part of the living/ dining room) really nice but everything else is still unfinished and everywhere I look (except this half of one room) has some furniture waiting to be built or a box to unpack but we can’t do these jobs until another 5 jobs have been done first etc.

So I still hate it. And I dislike our neighbours who play loud music and Tv until past 1am.

When I really hate the house, I try to remember that it’s just a place we live. and try to focus on home being about people, not the place. Now that nothing is urgent anymore (it was leaking before) and we’ve moved in, we try to limit the amount of DIY to one weekend day and that includes not talking about DIY or the house.

Sympathies OP! You’re not the only one, trust me. We’re in a similar situation, except we have a 3 month old so even longer to go before he can sort of entertain himself… oh and we have a silverfish infestation that we HAVE to deal with, so sitting back and taking time to do stuff is not an option 😭 I really hate it right now but I’m sure it’s just all the stress of the past few months… hopefully we’ll settle in eventually!

Any property you buy will likely seem worse once you move in - if you viewed it furnished, it will look different empty. There will always be stuff to do. As others have said, focus on one room at a time - bedroom is a good place to start!

I think it took 2 years with my current house before I liked it, but that was spent undoing all the botched building work the previous owner had done! I've been here a long time now and I love it, but it's time to move on.

I'm always amused when people refer to forever homes as I don't see how that concept works - a house only ever works for so long I find, before your life changes (ill health, kids leaving home, desire for a change of scenery etc.)

Forever homes can work, if you have though out all the likley changes coming up and it can cope. Our current place is, I hope, our last- it's adaptable if we get so one or more of us can't do stairs, for example. There's always the extreme event that might change things, but if nothing really unusual happens to us we should be able to stay here until/if we get so the last one left can't manage in their own home.

Very similar situation here. Lots of jobs started and are not finished. I want to do so much myself but I'm also the default parent, so my attention is needed there. Grrrrr. I'm going out of my mind.

If you have a bit of spare cash (which is hard ATM because of cost of living crisis), outsource some of the jobs on mybuilder.com.
I know mumsnet doesn't like these websites, but I've never had a problem and found s

And found some amazing tradespeople on there. If you do want to do some jobs yourself, then hire a babysitter for a few hours here and there.

And when you return to work, why not go part time at 0.8%? I've done that this year, and Friday has been my DIY day. (DD at nursery full time)...

I meant 0.8 FTE not %

Sympathies because we are in the same situation. Ours was so bad (unexpectedly so bad) that we couldn't move in. Have read the comments with interest from others that have been through it and will take some of the tips.
With a baby and both working we're struggling to juggle the endless people that need to come see the house to do bits and pieces or clear rubbish. It's not fun going one at a time in evenings or weekends to try to clear stuff up, cut a million vines all over the garden or paint etc, and I'm feeling a bit depressed about it. Seems to be taking over our lives and feels stressful and overwhelming! The smell is very bad so even though we have carpets ordered for a couple of the rooms, I darent put them down until we have done more and rectified that

I can sympathise completely because I feel the same. We moved in last week and I feel completely depressed. I just can't settle in at all and just want to run back home.. but it's not there anymore. I cry at least six times a day and constantly have a tight feeling in my chest. We have renovations planned for the new year but that seems ages away. Everyone says I'll feel at home soon and it will take time but I didn't expect to feel this depressed. I just wanted to say I understand and hope you feel better soon.

Thanks, everyone, for so many kind and wise words. I can confirm I do feel a little better this week after we got the bedroom sorted and I can now find all my clothes, at least.

Huge sympathy as well to anyone in the same boat. It's so unsettling. I'm a bit of a homebody too so to have a chaotic home environment is really troubling!

@hoipolloih if it makes you feel better I'm 7 months into maternity leave. Our (delayed) build is only 2 weeks in.
We've just sold our flat (thank goodness!) so are moving in with our in laws until the build completes.

Hopefully you start to feel at home in your new home soon 💞

@reno22 Thank you for the well wishes. Ah, my sympathy for having to move in with in laws - I hope they are nice in-laws and not nightmare ones!