8 years and still don’t feel settled! Why?

[lking679]

Just that really, I’ve been living in South East London house we own for 8 years have a dh and 3* dd’s and still don’t feel settled! Eldest dd started reception this year.

I’m from the north west, went to university in the midlands, moved to west London for work and moved to south East London to start a family.
It’s a nice town good childcare, schools, and green spaces, I have mum friends (though it never seems as close as childhood friends).
Not near my family though and not a great sense of community.

I keep thinking of moving…. a market town close to family say in Cheshire or Shropshire (the actual area I grew up is quite run down now).
But I’d have to formally agree flexible working, probably impact future job prospects and take daughters away from being able to live at home with everything London offers from universities and jobs on their door step.

Nothing wrong with area or house, what should I do? Why do I want to leave?!

Bump!

What would feeling settled actually look and feel like to you? If you imagine it.

Thanks for a reply! That’s it I don’t know. I don’t know if I’d move and feel the same way? (I looked into renting out our current house to try a move but isn’t possible).

I find London a bit hectic but exciting. I don’t particularly like going for walks on my own here a few things have happened locally but only the usual for a busy city. I feel calmer and safer in quieter locations! (Sabina Nessa not too far away from me for example). On the flip side there’s always something to do and see and loads of free things to keep a family entertained.

I guess I’d be hoping for a more relaxed lifestyle, slightly more countryside and friendly/community feel. Day trips to family possible but amenities of a nice town for ourselves and the kids.
The main thing holding me back from a move would be basically lack of opportunities for my daughters compared to London which is a shame!… All my siblings have moved away from home for opportunities and only recently moved back with flexible working, which hasn’t been great for my parents.

You can definitely find a sense of community in London – I also live in the south east and love my area because everyone's so friendly and chats to each other. I'm not bothered about being near family though and I don't keep in touch with people from school, so I feel settled here because most if not all of my friends are in London. I think the people around you count for a huge amount when it comes to how you feel about where you live, and also there's just an intrinsic sense of whether somewhere feels like 'home' or not, and maybe London just doesn't do that for you? I've lived in Leeds and Manchester too and didn't feel settled there. Are there any groups locally you could join to try and find that community feel?

I agree you can definitely get community in London - it’s very place specific.
I’d look to somewhere within London with more green space and a community feel.

I wouldn’t move unless there was a specific benefit….. too much cost and hassle. So a London to London move wouldn’t be on the cards plus I can’t say our house value buys us that much in other places and the stamp duty is tens of thousands.

it’s really hard to know why it doesn’t feel like home but the constantly wondering about a move is getting a bit exhausting!

I might do feb half term on holiday in Shropshire and see how I feel about it!

Moving anywhere costs money but at least if you move somewhere within London your kids retain the benefits and their friends. The benefit would be you’re happier and more settled.

There's a lot of places on the spectrum between South East London or small town Shropshire that could give you the community and the opportunities. Though I wouldn't be factoring universities into the mix as the chances are DC would move away for uni, if indeed they want to go to uni. So unis are no reason to stay in London, but you could move closer to a city in the north west if jobs are a factor (although again, chances are you DC could move away for work too). More important to live somewhere you feel at home and that will be their home as they're growing up.

I found what I wanted in London and was happy to stay here to raise family but the pull of moving back up north still came intermittently. I did find a community here though (helps a lot when DC are in school) and my work is here and I do like the walks. But if I was less keen on it, there's no way I'd stay. It's too expensive and exhausting and if you don't love it, why put up with it? Good idea to go and try out the new area, but also maybe consider other options that aren't such an extreme move and still give you/DC some of the pro's that you like about London.

A big reason to move would be to be closer to family and for a more rural lifestyle so moving to say Oxford or something doesn’t help much. Lose all the benefits of London and still nearly 3 hours away from family. I’ve looked at Manchester but anywhere decent doesn’t feel rural enough like Altrincham (plus house types that we’d be after would probably be over our budget). Knutsford on the cards too but same issues around leaving London.

I just feel trapped.

Don’t want to leave because opportunities for dd’s, disrupting them, the pain of in year transfers and moving house etc…. but staying means living in a place that doesn’t feel like home … and that’s far away from my family.
Just wish I could click my fingers and feel settled! Doesn’t seem to be an easy answer!

Where are your family? Where are your DH’s family? Does he share your desire for rural life?

DH comes from a small village in East Kent and likes the more rural lifestyle too (we wouldn’t want to be in the middle of nowhere just not in zone 4!).

His parents are over 10 years younger than mine so travel more easily and he doesn’t seem that fussed with how near they are. We will go on holidays with my family but have never been on holiday with his it just has never been presented as an option! He gets on well with my family. Maybe he would miss them given they wouldn’t be an hour down the road but he’s more worried about leaving London as I am rather than missing his family.

Mine are in Liverpool. Looked at Chester too but the state secondary schools are much worse than here. Sigh.

I moved to a completely different part of the country, sort of on impulse after I'd decided I needed a change of scenery and different quality of life, and also to allow me to get out of shared acommodation. It took a while to actually make the move but I'd say the initial decision was impulsive, then I couldn't let it go.

Some things are better where I am now, some aren't as good as I thought they'd be, but it was what I needed at the time so I don't think I can regret it. To be honest, I still don't really know what I want or where would be right for me, but it's easy to focus on the negatives of somewhere when actually, on balance, it's pretty alright.

If I was giving advice to the me of a few years ago, I'd tell myself that a change of scenery can come from finding a different way of living in your current environment. Find new hobbies, make new routines, find different ways to meet people you truly connect with (maybe linked with your hobbies), explore the place you live with the curiosity of a very excited tourist, get on chatty terms with your local shopkeepers so you feel more connected, volunteer locally, decorate your home in a way you actually love rather than how you feel it should look and, if you still don't feel right after a few years, then reassess and see what you need then when you perhaps have a clearer idea of what's important to you.

I moved from London to a much more rural setting. London wasn't right for me but I do miss a lot about it. If you do head somewhere rural, make sure it has easy access to the sorts of things you currently enjoy doing in London, and be realistic about whether you'll make that effort to go to those places if they're a hour/multiple train-rides away.

Thank you!
That’s good advice. There are times when it all feels more acute than others I think normally if I was missing family I’d go and see them and haven’t for a while. DD3 is 4 weeks old so we won’t be doing any long journeys for a while and my parents still haven’t met her which feels hard!

I would say maybe it’s all post baby stuff but actually the misplaced feeling cycles through every few months for last 8 years and I’ve regularly thought about moving! So I don’t think it’s that. But definitely feel isolated in these hard newborn weeks!

In future I imagine things might get easier as kids get older and trips are easier to do but I wonder if this feeling will ever go away!

I can imagine that makes that feeling of isolation so much stronger!

Like you, I've moved around quite a bit throughout my life and I think it's given me the ability to live anywhere but I sometimes wonder whether it also makes it harder for any one place to feel like home. I think home for me is somewhere that has ready access to the things I'm interested in and like-minded people that I form good friendships with, but I know that you have to put effort in to make those connections with people, it doesn't magically happen.

A friend of mine once shared a quote which was "wherever you go, there you are". At the time I dimissed it but it stayed with me and has made me focus on how I myself am contributing to my own general contentment, because my surrounding might change but I'm not going anywhere!

How about the Wirral OP - ?somewhere like Heswall or west Kirby maybe? Nicely rural but still with good facilities , good schools and easy into Liverpool.

I was in London for about 7 years, though I come from the NW. I loved the London theatre, the art galleries, etc and I loved my job. But I really didn't like the place as a place to live, nor could I afford to buy anywhere, or make friends where lived ( my job was too demanding and the hours too difficult) and I got very homesick for the North a lot. I then moved to the midlands, which I never really liked, though I made the effort to make friends there and preferred being closer to the countryside. 30 odd years on, I moved again, back to the NW, and I love it here and feel at home again- the people are so friendly and the countryside is fantastic. It is a long way now from London, though, I can't pop down there easily for the day as I did from the Midlands- even if the trains were not the total disaster area that they are now it's too expensive and slow from here - I do miss the art galleries and the theatres.....
Are you sure you won't miss London? Bear in mind that outside of London a lot of services, and things to do, have been slashed to nothing in the last few years.

I moved to Shropshire (Shrewsbury) two years ago from a big city and have not had a moments doubt it was the best thing I ever did. My two teens came with me and started 6th form college here so it was a big move for them too. DD is now at Uni and DS going next year. DS did not really want to move but has absolutely thrived, got a job, joined the gym, met loads of new friends, has totally come out of his shell. When you say lack of opportunities for the DC what do you mean exactly? There is so much to do around here, not too big or too small, lots of families with young dc, countryside on our door step, thriving town, lots and lots of independent shops / cafes / markets, river walks. Honestly come and visit and have a walk around some potential areas you could live it is beautiful. Also there is a wide range of houses from lots of period properties, 1930s, new builds. If I want to go into a big city I just get on a train - Brum, Liverpool, Manchester not that far away but I honestly can say I do not miss city living at all.

I would give it time. A child starting reception tends to be when many parent/school friends emerge and you start to feel part of the community. When I look around now at my circle, most are people I’ve met at various school or sports connected to my children.

Soon life will be filled with kids parties, school fetes, play dates, kid concerts etc.

London is a collection of villages. If anything the normality of newcomers and also its multi-cultural nature means that people try hard to connect in a way they don’t in a village where everyone has gone to the school and where their own extended families live.

When I lived in London I never really did anything I couldn't do in any other town/village, and I found things to do for children really limited compared to most provincial towns. We lived in Barnsbury, so there was a smallish park, but to get to say, Regent's Park, it was quite a track. London Zoo is boring and tiny compared to all the other zoos around the country. No farm parks, theme parks, water parks, riding schools are easy to reach. Any larger town will have more going on locally than most London suburbs, and anything happing in the centre is just too big and crowded to be fun, and things like National Gallery etc become boring after you've been there dozens of times. There are dozens of good unis up north, and would you really want your dd staying in your house into their 30s? At some point, they'll have to leave, and starting off life outside of London might well be easier for them as staying in London can be the hardest challenge with regard to house prices. They might want to live close to their parents for childcare/company but won't be able to afford London and will then blame you for living in the mist expensive part of the country 😉

How old were your kids when you left @NellyBarney ?

I don’t recognise that at all. Mine have availed of all kids of things that London (or Manchester or Glasgow..) kids can avail of - fab exhibitions , volunteer positions in world renowned museums, concerts, free bus pass.. They can still be in brownies and riding schools!

I don’t recognise it either, London is without compare when it comes to children’s activities. It doesn’t have farm parks but if you’ve seen one goat you’ve seen them all. 😆 I don’t see why the children will “have” to leave other than for uni. London and the SE has better job opportunities post uni than the rest of the country.

Do you not want to move closer to Liverpool than Shropshire? Know your family's area is rundown but plenty of places around Liverpool aren't and it's a fantastic city, plenty going on.

Do you live in Shrewsbury itself? You say you don't like city living but Shrewsbury is I thought, or do you mean it's not city living like London?

No Shrewsbury is a town not a city. I moved from a large urban city and there is no comparison (congested, over populated, run down, no green space) for me, my quality of life is infinitely better now.

Yes i’m going to spend a few days of Feb half term in Shrewsbury.
I just feel like the pull of jobs to the south east is quite strong and what’s the point in leaving if my dd’s end up down here like me and my siblings all did at one point? I talk from experience! And worked out I spent £50k in renting rooms over 8-9 years before I eventually bought a house with dh!

I was in Richmond, my sisters in Watford and Hitchin. I felt at home and loved Richmond but could never buy there obviously! Crazy money for houses. Shrewsbury reminds me of Richmond.

Sort of a bit tired of London, our house and schools are good but high street hit and miss and although so much to do in London it’s very busy we don’t go in that much!

I remember struggling with my job and looked to leave, my friend said “the grass isn’t going to be greener!” But then turned out to be a great change for me, you just don’t know do you.