8 years and still don’t feel settled! Why?

[lking679]

Just that really, I’ve been living in South East London house we own for 8 years have a dh and 3* dd’s and still don’t feel settled! Eldest dd started reception this year.

I’m from the north west, went to university in the midlands, moved to west London for work and moved to south East London to start a family.
It’s a nice town good childcare, schools, and green spaces, I have mum friends (though it never seems as close as childhood friends).
Not near my family though and not a great sense of community.

I keep thinking of moving…. a market town close to family say in Cheshire or Shropshire (the actual area I grew up is quite run down now).
But I’d have to formally agree flexible working, probably impact future job prospects and take daughters away from being able to live at home with everything London offers from universities and jobs on their door step.

Nothing wrong with area or house, what should I do? Why do I want to leave?!

But you don't know where your DC will end up. My DD is in Bath at Uni and DS hoping to go to Newcastle next year, will they end up in London? Maybe yes maybe no, if they do I will visit often I am sure. Sounds like a good plan to visit. I would highly recommend having a walk around some of the local neighbourhoods as well as the town and quarry to get a feel of community and the type of house you could buy. I was a complete stranger to this area and just looking on Rightmove was not comparable to having a walk around (so much nicer in person). So much to see and do I hope you feel encouraged 🙂

If you loved Richmond and felt at home there then London is not the problem it’s the area. Have you looked at Kingston, Surbiton, the Molseys etc…

I feel like this about where I live, 15 years on still, because I feel the pull of my home area.

Shrewsbury sounds lovely. What about sonewhere like Ilkley on Leeds doorstep?

Looked at West London but the move would need to fund itself. Our house maybe worth £620k and is 4 bed extended 1930’s semi so would give us a budget of less than £600k after stamp duty and moving costs. It’s hit and miss in west London with that… don’t want to down size!

But certainly would want any move to get us closer to family in the north west as well. I find moving so stressful! So shrewsbury about an hour away from family and nice houses. Trains to Chester, Manchester and Birmingham and a direct train to London in the morning for occasional commute. But it’s a one way trip… couldn’t fund another move back!

I know it’s impossible to tell where DD’s will end up but my gut is they could do an awful lot in London but might struggle elsewhere. I’m a project manager and by far majority of roles are London based.

Just taking it step by step and will see how a visit to Shropshire goes!

If you're looking for small town/closer to family in North West I'd suggest Oswestry or Whitchurch rather than Shrewsbury. Oswestry has good shopping, cheaper property than Shrewsbury and a good secondary school. Easy access up to Chester and across to Merseyside. No station in Oswestry itself but there is one at Gobowen, v nearby, which is on the Shrewsbury to Chester line. It is reasonably straightforward to change at Chester for Liverpool. Oswestry consistently features in the happiest places to live type lists. It has bad areas, but so does everywhere! It's definitely got more of a community feel than Shrewsbury does these days.

We have friends in Ellesmere who rave about the community feel there, so another small town worth a look perhaps.

Shrewsbury is no longer 'small town' - enormous housing estates being built everywhere, huge pressures on schools and other services particularly in the more desirable south of the river areas and the horrendous traffic from the extra housing puts me off fighting my way in even though I grew up there and it is still my nearest town. It has become unrecognisable in the last 20 years. The instagrammable bits of the town centre are still there (and stunning) but the rest of it is meh. It has become anytown/anywhere with the sprawling car centered Barratt/Persimmon estates and retail parks to match.

Whitchurch has a good train service up to Manchester - usually less crowded than the Birmingham line from Shrewsbury. It has always felt more Cheshire than Shropshire to me - I worked there for a while and it is very different to the Shropshire I know - so if you grew up in Cheshire it might be a good shout for you to feel more at home?

Good luck, and enjoy your trip up here!

Thanks we’ll check them out. The appeal to being on a trainline is I’ll need to go to London twice a month. If I change jobs I can commute to Birmingham and potential for dd’s to live at home with jobs in various places if they want to. I’m used to walking to everything in town too so wanted something similar!

I don’t like new builds though and I take the point about the strain they put on local services! If I went to the area and didn’t like it It would kind of be a relief! I think I’ve exhausted a lot of other places as options so will just mean cracking on here!

@Chilligrin You see Shrewsbury in a completely different way to me. The new housing estates don't impact the feel of the town at all. I live in walking distance of the town and couldnt tell you where the estates are. We have a thriving town centre unlike Oswestry which feels run down and shabby. There is a wonderful community feel here, if you're on FB op then it's well worth following "for the love of Shrewsbury" where you'll find like minded people who love the place, also great to see what's on locally.

Your budget would buy a beautiful house around these parts. Good luck with your search!

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/129386570

If I had 600k to spend this is the sort of house I'd buy, gorgeous road and the area is lovely too.

Already part of the for love of shrewsbury group as of last week! Lots of lovely posts on there!

Wasn’t sure if belle vue houses are in catchment for priory school though which seems to be the secondary to aim for?

I think what is and isn't Priory catchment is quite difficult. We looked at moving back into the town centre to apply for Priory and it was a gamble whether the smaller and more expensive house than we've currently got plus the cost of stamp duty, moving fees etc was worth it for what might have been a long shot even half a mile away from the school, especially because none of the other town state schools would have been a fit. The areas near the school are popular with families which is a great thing for making friends etc but also means there's lots of demand. I'm sure it's the same conundrum wherever you are - people cluster around the schools they want for obvious reasons!

We stayed put outside town in the AONB which was the right decision for us after much soul searching. We are past secondary application stage now but I know a couple of years ago friends who had thought they were squarely within Priory reach got offered Meole and Shrewsbury Academy instead. They were bulge years so the same houses might get places now, who knows! Some went to Meole and some went private (Adcote, Ellesmere and Shrewsbury High). Shropshire council publish 'furthest child' data on their admissions page which might be helpful to look at if you haven't already seen it.
It's only a snapshot of demand/allocation for a particular year but it might be useful if you've got specific schools in mind.

I do still get the yen to be within walking distance of the town centre again sometimes but having been through the whole process of thinking about moving and in our case deciding against, I feel much more settled than I did before. Maybe you will feel more settled too once you've been through the process of deciding, whatever your decision turns out to be?

It's really tricky when you go through big life changes, isn't it? I remember in the baby/toddler years things finally clicked into place for me when I found my 'tribe' - I'd felt very lonely in the groups I'd joined before then. I tried a different one in a different area because we were having a very grouchy day at home and found people I could connect with which changed everything.

Thanks, it looks like in 2022 it was 1.18 miles. So I'd look within a mile straight line distance from the school. But of course who knows in 6 years time when dd1 would be applying if we moved there. We couldn't afford private especially for 3 DD's so that's not an option.

I do have nice friends here but I would say northerners (or midlanders!) just seem more relaxed, friendly with a bit more banter! It could be the type of people I am meeting but none of them really have the same working class background I do!
If I compared Shrewsbury to the town I live I'd move in a heartbeat... it's okay here and the estate I live on is nice and it's very quiet. But in town at night you can get loads of teens out, kid was stabbed the other week (all known to each other but wouldn't want my kids witnessing it). Another man was stabbed to death outside my local coop in a random attack from someone with mental health issues (total tragedy)- another man was stabbed to death in another local shop by people known to him in the morning! Town over is where Sabina Nessa was killed. We do have woods and green spaces and they're nice, but in the back of my mind in the 8 years I've lived here there have been two women assaulted and two people have committed suicide and been found in the woods. When we first moved in there was a spate of car crime and we had our two cars stolen off our drive (I had a nice new car so was asking for it a bit).
.......And to be honest... it's really not that unusual for a London town. Our crime is pretty average or on the low side. It just seems to be what happens in a place with lots and lots of people and a city rife with knives. Never mind when you go into town on crowded trains, or jump on the tube and keep an eye out for anyone looking of edge with a large rucksack, or someone potentially pushing you on to the tracks (all have happened!). I was on a bus and saw a carrier bag left at the front on the seat. Instead of thinking someone left something behind I immediately told the driver and got off in case it was an explosive. I know it's all very rare given the size of the city and amount of people here.. But it's just the mindset I have after 10+ years in London and hearing what goes on. Pretty tired of it.

It's the proximity to London and the hassle of moving that put me off. Certainly in my bubble things are okay. But yes, would move in a heartbeat if just comparing town to town!

Biggest mistake of our lives was moving from London to a nice clean, safe, crime free town in the midlands. Since we moved here the medical centre has fallen apart (pre covid) so you can imagine what it is like now. Younger doctors don't want to move here from a proper city. The gym and swimming pool has been closed down, currently pending demolition so that a future Labour council wont try to reinstate it. The train service has removed several of its off peak services and the cost of commuting out of here is obscene. Of course the COVID and Brexit situation is exaggerated here with nearly all the pubs closing down and most of the eateries. The library only opens during school type hours and all evening type activities seem to have disappeared. We have also lost our bank branch and most of the useful shops that used to exist. Unlike in London where you can just walk or bus to the next 'village' we cant do that here and depend more and more on online shopping. The 'lack of workers' meme seems to be an outright lie where we live, a hand full of min wage part time McJobs is the entire menu, and even paying £80 per week to commute to the nearest small city doesn't get you a lot more than the min wage in an admin/reception role. The way I see it, it is not a good policy in the life of a UK resident to live to far from a decent city. Too young and you miss life, mid life you have to work too hard and spend too long and too much money computing etc to make it worth while and too old you will suffer from a lack of medical care. Summer here is quite nice but the other 8 months of the year are almost miserable.

The one thing I would say having left just the Midlands. Never mind London. Is that if it goes Pete Tong It’s very difficult to get back. I moved from the Midlands to the north west and sold the Northwest house and have had to buy a house with a mortgage that is about a third of the size of the north-west house and about half the size of the Midlands house that I originally started in. That was a very expensive exercise.

Yep thank you. We are lucky here in that I can actually eventually get through to a GP and I have got an NHS dentist!
If I could I’d move more Canterbury way you can get to London in reasonable time but nice city. However we don’t get as much for our money and that’s a big issue I won’t be earning anything more soon and DD’s all in childcare is a big cost. (In places like Tonbridge or Tunbridge Wells would actually mean down sizing) and Kent way is closer to the in laws… have to say I can’t stand them. MIL conversation style is what I call ‘competitive anecdotes’ where if you start a conversation she’ll say something like ‘if you think that’s good/bad what about this’ etc. And in the end it kind of feels like an argument! Honestly never had a normal conversation with that woman. And she’d be by all the time if we were closer.

My dh’s offices closed down completely post covid so he now 100% wfh, I think I could negotiate a trip into London office twice a month as that’s what my boss has agreed. And pretty much was what I was doing before maternity leave. We’ve both worked for our employers over 10 years (in various roles!). So I sort of feel ok about that.

But schools, ability to change jobs, local services, access to the city and yes not being able to move back due to costs (not least the stamp duty involved) all make me wonder what’s best. Wish I had a crystal ball! Can’t really tell if being out of London in a big town nearer to family would suit me better and help me feel settled. That’s the big question!!