I'm not 100% sure it's the right one

[Kafta]

But I don't know why.

I'm currently buying a 'dream' house, it's quite a huge purchase for me & DH, complete lifestyle change (city to rural) which we've planned for years. It will offer lots of opportunity.

On paper it ticks most of the boxes. It's not the dream house that I had in my head, but it definitely has lots of potential.

Why do I have this nagging sense of uncertainty and wanting to pull out? Has anyone else had this too? I'm wondering if it's just the fact it's a big change.

I'm not 100% sure it's the right one but I have no idea why.

It sounds completely normal to be thinking like this. I’ve been having doubts about the downsides of the house but the extra benefits we will get will be massive for us but I’m an over thinker and the fact that the whole process of house buying takes so long it’s given me more time to think and worry!!

from what you’ve said it sounds like it’s a lifestyle change for you as well which can often feel daunting.

have you been back for a 2nd viewing - maybe if not could you go and visit again and view the property to see how you feel?

Thanks so much for your reply!

I've visited for 2 viewings and driven past few times (getting a feel for the area).

The first viewing was a huge 'wow' - the 2nd visit not so much, and I noticed a few things that need attention and felt the house was a bit darker than I remembered.

I can see myself there, and at times I do feel very positive but I can't shake these doubts. And the rural move is more for DH than me, as he very much needs it for his mental health.

But I am a huge overthinker! The admin of it all is down to me too, the stress of the whole process doesn't help...

Do you want this op? Ignore everything else, what do you want?

If you were gazumpted, how would you feel? Relieved?

I think it would be helpful to establish whether the primary uncertainty is the house or the lifestyle change.

Can you imagine your new lifestyle but in a different, more 'dream' house? Is that other house affordable?

If it's the rural move you need a frank discussion with your dh because your mental health matters too.

I want DH to be happier and he adores the country, he grew up on a farm. He needs more space for hobbies which will be good for him, he's been through a lot; I'm more adaptable than he is I think, and he hasn't liked any other houses except this one - and we've viewed a ridiculous amount!

I'm finding it hard to pinpoint the doubts; I admit I'd be much more comfortable with a less rural house. There's nothing walking distance with this one, no pavements etc. I love that where we are now, I can walk everywhere. And the house is too big for our needs really, but the location gives the privacy DH wants.

I'll need to leave my job, too. Which is on the cards at some point anyway, but it's hard as I'll really miss my colleagues. I'm worried I'll feel trapped.

In one way I think a fresh start will be great, but then the doubts nag away. I can't feel excited.

If we got gazumped I'd feel hugely relieved. But then, I'd wonder if it was the right house and would regret it in the future.

It sounds like a terrible move for you.
Why do you need to be the one to make all the sacrifices? Surely in a relationship, you compromise?

You didn't answer my question. What do you want? Remove DH from it, what do you want?

And leaving your job, for a house you don't like and a lifestyle you don't want?

I think you need to listen to your gut.

Sounds like it’s more than the house - if you’re leaving your job and it’s a big change in lifestyle. I personally couldn’t cope with that level of rural! Maybe you need to have a serious chat with DH and find a compromise.

Honestly I'm not even sure I know!

I'd like more room (current house very small) and DH to have a garage to potter in so we can have some space from each other...it's so claustrophobic here, he doesn't have friends/hobbies so he just tags along whatever I'm doing when he's home, which is a lot.

I just want to be settled, without too much stress, and have a life, it's been a tough few years. I don't mind getting a new job and there's potential to have my own business at the house we're buying but I know I definitely need human interaction otherwise I get depressed.

I did focus on compromise houses (semi rural) but DH hated them all! He's such a gentle soul and wants total privacy.

I feel like if I push a compromise, I'm taking his dream away from him. He would do it, but I'd know he wasn't 100% happy.

So you are buying a house which you need to give up a job and no human interaction is likely to make you depressed?

Don't sacrifice your own wants, desires, mental health for him.

Why does he want total privacy? Why don't your wishes matter?

Lots of houses have room for hobbies etc.

There is a compromise surely?

Honestly OP, I find it very unlikely that living in the city is affecting your DH's mental health - he may say that, but when you move to a rural location it will morph into a different reason. If his mental health is not good at the moment, he needs to work on that first and not think there is a one-step solution to the problem by moving house.

He's definitely an introvert and he grew up with total privacy on acres of land, he doesn't want neighbours or to be overlooked. Those were his deal breakers, and he's always wanted that.

I've said I'm worried but he's reassured me I'll be fine, and there is a decent size town 20 mins away where I can find a new job.

I think I'll just need to make a lot of effort to join the community locally, find clubs etc, maybe volunteer - it's just the idea of it all is overwhelming.

He's doing everything he can do be fair to him - medication and therapy. He has PTSD after serving in the Army and has already come a long way, he was agoraphobic and suicidal but he's working part time now and starting to do things by himself, very proud of him.

He's a different person in the countryside; calmer, less low, he really does need it. He's a sensitive soul!

Ok so he's said you'll be fine, that's ok then.

Honestly op, I think you are mad to be doing this. As a pp said, he needs to sort out his own mental health. There's likely to be something else once he's got his total privacy etc.

20mins each way for any kind of social life will be hard for you if you aren't used to it.

Trust your gut here.

It sounds like you are compromising on everything and he is compromising on nothing.

Oh I, I don't get a good feeling about this move.

Can you not rent in the area first? Do a 1-2 year trail run?

Make sure you can actually get a job, you feel settled etc?

If you have to give up your job to move I’d not be going. Town 20 minutes away? What’s It like, who actually are the employers. In my town the only
jobs available that aren’t retail/hospitality would be as a GP in the local practice or a teacher in a primary school.
Everyone with a professional job commutes. I wouldn’t be going until I was sure about employment.

How old is your DH? Is he planning to work when you move?

.... so we can have some space from each other..

I wonder if living this rurally you'd actually be thrown together more?

Lots of good advice from pp's.

It sounds like the move is to please your DH? Think very carefully OP, you don’t sound very onboard with it, doubts about the house, giving up your job, rural living, that is one massive lifestyle change.

I am meaning this kindly, a move may not solve DH MH issues, especially if you are unhappy, often the dream doesn’t always live up to the reality.

what would the plan be, if you tried it and didn’t like it, could you move back, what if you couldn’t get a job, with a comparable salary?

we moved from a city to a semi rural location when our DS’ were babies, DH was ready for the move, it enabled us to buy a very large family home, but I made it clear from the start if I was unhappy I would want to move again. We settled were very happy there for 18 years, but there was literally nothing there for the boys once they grew up.

We relocated just 18mths ago, it has been a big change for us and has really improved our lives having lived semi rural, for 18 years, we now live in a different city, best thing we have done, really convenient, I know I could never move back. I like having lots of buses, anything I want delivered, shop around the corner etc. my circumstances are very different now though, as my disability made the move necessary.

Good luck OP, I hope whatever you decide works out well for you.

That said, a house move is huge at the best of times let alone being uprooted. It's a major change in every aspect.

Can you envisage your husband well and happy there and the benefits that brings to your marriage? In which case embrace the change and visualise having your own business there. This could be the shake-up and opportunity you need albeit daunting.

Hmm , I spent 4 years living rurally for a partner. It wasn’t for me. I didn’t like having to walk everywhere on roads (no pavements) and in fact, you had to drive for all proper walks.
I did try to get involved in the community but I was very different, - it was a traditional Welsh farming community and I was a MC, English and gay - and I just wasn’t welcomed.
What I found the hardest was the sense of having no friends yet everyone knowing your business and the lack of anonymity.
After 4 years we moved to the nearest small city where I am very happy and settled, with lots of friends.
Strangely, I feel that I have my privacy more because Mrs X from down the road hasn’t been told the details of my deliveries from the postie, and so so!

Just be sure, it’s a big thing to get wrong. And it can be harder to sell rural properties IME.